<p>Long background:
My son is a junior with whom we've had conversations ad nauseum about his poor work habits. He would much rather spend his time on video games, fantasy football, facebook, texting friends, playing online games, etc than do work. My husband and I have tried very hard since he was small to let him sink or swim to some extent, and he's done serviceably so far, about 3.4 UW taking a few honors/AP classes. When his grades slip below B+/B-ish we start taking away stuff like the video games, ipod, etc, until they come back up, but inevitably the bad habits start again. You should know that he is also ADHD on meds and really intelligent...got a 224 (80 on math) on the PSAT as a sophomore without ever having seen a PSAT or SAT in his life.
Well, I asked him yesterday how school was going and in typical fashion he was elusive and defensive, so on a whim I went through his binders and turns out he is NOT doing ok...got a D on his last AP chem quiz (EASY stuff...seriously, just memorizing nomenclature), C on regular bio lab report, B- in precalculus test (see math aptitude above). Flipped out, yelled more than I should have, took away cell phone and ipod and basically banished him from the computer except to type/print things out.
Just reading what I've written so far I realize I sound like the wishy-washiest parent ever, but here's the thing: if/when he goes to college, he is going to have to be able to handle being responsible for himself. Maybe it's been a huge mistake to even let him have access to all the "fun stuff" at home, but we always ask if he is done with homework before letting him get on facebook, etc but I know he sneaks a lot of rec time in during homework time. I don't know what to do other than take away internet, but then he says he needs it for homework/research, etc. My other kids (freshman and 8th grader) are straight A hard working students with not much interest in computers/video games but they too need the internet for homework.
Has anyone else gone through this? How did you handle it? Any suggestions would be much appreciated. BTW I love CC...so much great info. Thank you.</p>
<p>You are going to create distance and separation with this approach. You can’t <em>make</em> him do well in school unless you micromanage his whole life - and that’s his job, as a human being. He needs to realize that how he does in school will effect where he goes to college, and thus his future. Talk with him and let him know that you are concerned, but don’t FORCE him to do anything.</p>
<p>He has access to too many distractions that he hasn’t earned. I think commando parenting is needed. All good things must be earned by demonstated good grades.</p>
<p>My son was like that until end of sophomore year. Part time job did the trick. He worked with many illegal immigrants in this job and it taught him how hard they work to live here and how all this was given to him in his middle class upbringing. 4.0 unweighted Junior Year followed.</p>
<p>Our oldest is just as you describe- school was the lowest priority. No ADHD, but didn’t really like school. Very bright and very hands-on. Hates sitting and listening. He barely graduated from high school, and floundered around in CC’s - starting with 16 units, then down to 14, then 12, then lucky if he finished 9 a semester. We paid for school and books, but when he moved to go live on his own and attend a CC in a “more fun” area (San Diego) he had to pay for housing , food, fun. He kept at school (barely) but always worked in very hands-on jobs; concrete, installing floors, modified cars, etc. At about 21-ish he suddenly got more serious about school, finished up his pre-req’s and applied and was accepted for Construction Management. Almost straight A’s from there-on and got full scholarship from department his last year. Did an internship w/ a company his senior year, they hired him full -time. and he is rapidly moving up in the company. We had almost given up but never told him that. While we quit pushing him, we were always here to help when he asked. The only 2 things that changed were:#1- HE FINALLY MATURED/GREW UP!!! He just wasn’t ready earlier and finally was. #2- He found something that interested him. He LOVES his job and we hear from him almost daily about some exciting new event at work. Another branch has already tried to get him and he has received a couple of promotions in a short time. I happened to meet his supervisor and he went out of his way to tell me how lucky they feel at having hired my son and how responsible he is for his age. I was floored!!! I feel for you and wish you the best!</p>
<p>My other kids are also much more in tune with school and do very well. I would never have guessed this one would do so well- it just goes to show they each have to move at their own pace!</p>
<p>Maybe you should limit the amount of time he spends “plugged in” without making it a punishment. In other words, decide how much time you think is healthy for him to spend on electronics (facebook, games, online surfing, etc) and have a conversation about it. Tell him to break it down however he wants, but it’s unhealthy for him to spend more than ____ hours per day on it. </p>
<p>One thing you might want to research a little. i believe some kids are more prone to being “hypnotized” by electronics (that’s what i call it anyway) than others. I think I’ve read that ADD/ADHD kids’ brain are even more susceptible to it than others. it may be that by simply limiting the amount of time he can spend plugged in, he may find that he balances his responsibilities better. It’s way too easy to spend an hour, which turns into 3 hours, online and forget about your homework. time just slips away.</p>
<p>So back to my original point - I would recommend that limiting electronics isn’t a punishment for bad grades or irritability (which we see in one of our sons if he’s on too much). just limit it because it’s the healthy thing to do. And you are also planting the seed (whether he agrees with you or not) that these things can get in the way and need to be limited in order to get stuff done everyday - a lesson that he needs to believe before he heads off to college.</p>
<p>I was in your shoes just two years ago. S had similar problems but wasn’t ADHD. He just simply never learned how to organize his time. Sit him down with a calendar and help him create a schedule for the day which includes homework and fun stuff. You’re probably thinking that he won’t sit with you to do this but the alternative is being the angry frustrated parent that you’ve already become. Be firm - tell him that if this isn’t done, he will have things taken away from him. Set a time for the internet, we turned ours off at 11:00 P.M. (which is late but I need my cc time lol) and the kids eventually got used to it. </p>
<p>I also got a weekly grade report from some of his teachers or emailed them for quick grade updates. They were more than accomodating. </p>
<p>After a crazy junior year, I started to notice that he was being less hostile and I was beinag less of a nag (which came first?) He didn’t do a complete 180 but he did start to finish and turn in homework. His grades improved enough to get him into a good college. And so far, he’s doing well. </p>
<p>Good luck and pm me if you need to!</p>
<p>If you love CC, then you’ve already memorized this mantra, right? Repeat after me: “Love the kid on the couch, not the kid you wish you had.” I’ve so often wished that I could combine my three kids to make one Super Kid:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Kid one: crazy smart. Executive function disorder = a disaster in college.</p></li>
<li><p>Kid two: very responsible, self-disciplined and a very good student, but doesn’t have super smarts.</p></li>
<li><p>Kid two: doesn’t care for school much, but is sweet and athletic.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Why couldn’t the best qualities all three of them be rolled into one package…he/she would be deciding whether to take the DI athletic scholarship or the NMF scholarship. But instead I have kids with strengths and weaknesses.</p>
<p>OP, you’re talking about a boy, so there’s a level of immaturity there. I’d have him take the SAT in November or December, then sit him down and discuss the kind of schools that his scores could get him into. Then tell him how with grades/study habits like his, you are only willing to pay for community college. See if that motivates him.</p>
<p>Be prepared that he may be just a late bloomer, and that he may not be ready to go to college right out of high school (he may need community college or a gap year). Find out from him if he is interested in a traditional college experience, and if he has any colleges in mind.</p>
<p>Same story here, although we stopped the micromanaging first semester sophomore year, which was REALLY bad timing. Should have done it sooner. That first semester was almost all Cs, and they are 25 percent of his UC GPA, but the next semester he did much better, and by second semester junior year, he had a semester GPA of 4.0, and felt like a “good student” for the first time ever. He has been treated for “ADHD” since he was four.</p>
<p>Things that are different; He didn’t score NEARLY as well, didn’t take as rigorous courses, and his primary distraction is soccer, but video games (especially FIFA!) are a close second. I know one day he will be fine, but it is hard when he looks back and wishes he had done something differently.</p>
<p>P.S. I think eleventh grade is too old for the punitive “taking away” approach. They can “win” that battle WAY too easily, and in scary ways. </p>
<p>OTOH, rewarding responsible behavior is always useful, even alien you are grown!</p>
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<p>My neighborhood feeds into one of those “competitive suburban high schools” where pretty much everyone is expected to go to college. On my block alone we have a boy who decided to go to cosmetology school instead of college; a girl who, after her parents had spent about $120,000 on an LAC, told her them she wants to act instead of going to college; and a young man who loves waiting tables at a high end restaurant and intends to do that for a living. Just be open to the fact that your son may not want to fit into the mold.</p>
<p>Also, some people don’t have very high amibitions. They aren’t bad people - just not motivated by prestige, money, etc. My sister’s ex is brilliant…really brilliant…but zero ambition. He runs tech support for a govermental entity soley because he has regular hours and doesn’t have to work very hard.</p>
<p>Junior year was S2’s worst of high sch. He was never a star student but really slacked off that year. He was a football player and very social. Most of his friends (the non-football players)were not great students either. No interest in college discussions.</p>
<p>At that point we were def. thinking CC for him.</p>
<p>Senior yr. I decided it was all on him and I was not going to push,pull, argue ,threaten anymore. Wherever he ended up would be of his own doing. It was a better yr. He took 2 dual enrollment classes at the CC that gave him a taste of college. Most of his football friends were applying to college so he decided he would too.</p>
<p>Off he went to a regional state u. First sem. was really bad (academic probation). Second sem. managed to get off probation. He has improved each sem. since. Now he’s a college junior (will be 21 in Dec) and is having the best sem. of his life. It seems to be all starting to click …finally. It just took awhile for this one.</p>
<p>His older brother was the typical CC star student. I used to think that I had somehow gone wrong/failed S2 somehow but finally realized that you just can’t compare them.</p>
<p>Dang… well lets see, I doubt he has a job so who pays the phone bill? who pays for the video games? who pays for the internet/phone to facebook?</p>
<p>I’m not an expert on ADHD, but it doesn’t sound like his medication is working. Have you discussed the situation with his doctor? </p>
<p>If the issues are more a matter of maturity, you might have to wait things out. It doesn’t sound like taking away privledges is working. Have you discussed his future goals with him? If he wants to attend a 4 year college, I suggest taking him on some visits. Some kids need a reality check to see how important their grades are.</p>
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<p>Taking things away influences the behavior of some kids but not others. If you took his phone and computer away, my son would read books and write poems. If you took away the books and the paper and pens, he would take long naps. Given the right (wrong) frame of mind, a student can think of LOTS of things to do that aren’t school work.</p>
<p>I think teens - like most adults - will react more positively to incentives than to punishments. How about setting up some type of incentive or bonus system where he has to earn something that has value to him by getting good grades? I’m not necessarily speaking of cash - bribery is not the idea - but if he lacks the internal motivation to get good grades maybe a reward of a trip to Best Buy for a good report card is worth it.</p>
<p>At least in most households I know, it’s very hard to limit online access. Don’t try something like that unless you can actually manage it.
For some kids, seeing the difference between a good school (defined as one they have a reasonable shot at with reasonable effort and that is affordable) and a lousy school can be helpful.</p>
<p>Well, the PSAT is coming up next week. It sounds like he is in the zone to make semifinalist, but he won’t make finalist with poor grades.</p>
<p>Does he like sports? If so, maybe you could get tickets to a football or basketball game at a nearby college. If he’s artsy, maybe go to a play or concert on a campus. If you can get more testing done (PSAT then SAT) and get him on some campuses, then you’ll be ready for some good conversations about what HE wants. But just be open. The lower tiered state U down the road that “everyone” (ie. those without superhigh scores) goes to may turn out to be what he wants.</p>
<p>“I’m not an expert on ADHD, but it doesn’t sound like his medication is working.”</p>
<p>Medication can only make it possible.</p>