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<p>H did not while D was there. Y did, so that D got to come home. Its all about getting good value for your money. :)</p>
<p>No, I don’t do that, eastcoast. I am actually quite conscious of good manners, and try to practice them as much as possible, including never bragging about my trips. My comments were directed at Hunt, originally, who claimed that he wanted to complain for poor students because, “I know it makes them sad to see their rich friends jetting off for ski trips that they can’t afford.” So I responded with, then what to do? Instruct your kids not to tell about the trips? </p>
<p>These threads evolve and the original point can get lost.</p>
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Several people already answered this question pretty well, but I did teach my children to think about the feelings of others when talking about things like this. And I’ve gotta say, what, even I’m not allowed to feel sorry that a kid can’t go skiing with his friends? Remember, it’s not that kid’s fault that he’s poor, and it’s not any virtue of the rich kids that makes them rich. Those rich kids don’t have personal characteristics or achievements that make them “deserve” a ski trip over the poor kid–they’re able to do it because somebody else (their parents, or grandparents) have the money. So while I don’t begrudge the rich kids their trip, I think it’s too bad that their friend doesn’t get to go. And I will begrudge them the trip if they “rub it in.” But surely you don’t instruct your kids to do that?</p>
<p>Here’s a power play gift. This happened between two women who are friends of mine: The very wealthy friend of mine had her two young children in another friend’s in-home daycare for years. (The daycare was in my daycare friend’s home. She was not a nanny.) After the children left daycare for school the two women became friends. One year, out of the blue, the wealthy friend wanted to “give” the daycare friend a vacation with her in Europe. Turns out there were strings attached. The wealthy friend was expecting the daycare friend to watch her children once in awhile during the trip. The daycare friend declined the gift that wasn’t really a gift quite graciously.</p>
<p>To my knowledge, my kids don’t rub their trips in others faces, but I’m also not there to know. Most of my kids close friends were of the same or higher SES, so there would be no point in trying to.</p>
<p>So, she had been their daycare provider? I don’t know. I wouldn’t call it a gift but she may have seen it as a mutually beneficial proposition. Personalities and relationships complicate this stuff, a lot.</p>
<p>My kids, on a ton of aid, really don’t mind that some kids have more stuff and experiences, but they are bothered by rich people without regard for the poor. They have been very surprised by some of the comments they hear, and about the lack of exposure to working class life and values. The vast majority of their close friends are other financial aid kids. That’s not to say they don’t have any rich friends, they do, but the close ones are people they can relate to better. This subject gets a lot of discussion by the way.</p>
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<p>Indeed. Rich kids are given just as great a gift as poor kids on FA. It’s not like they did anything more to deserve being there than the poor kid did.</p>
<p>The lack of exposure to the working class is evident on this thread. Some posters seem to think we are talking about extreme hunger, cold, trauma, general dysfunction, and a lack of clothing. It’s bizarre.</p>
<p>^I was just going to say almost the same thing, electronblue. In many cases the privileged kids have not had much or sometimes any firsthand experience with peers of different backgrounds–they have spent their whole lives relatively insulated from the issues of poverty, discrimination, and so on.</p>
<p>I am fortunate that my kids have attended very diverse schools with students from a wide range of backgrounds. There is a sizable number of kids living below the poverty level and facing other challenges.</p>
<p>ETA: Flossy, there IS extreme poverty in our country. There ARE kids who are hungry, cold and homeless–we have them in our school district. What’s bizarre is that you don’t see a difference between “working class” and “poor.”</p>
<p>Does anyone have kids who think they “deserve” the trips they get? Mine don’t. They are always very excited, see the trips as something special, and always, always thank us for them. Throwing in the implication that rich kids think they “deserve” their riches is a red herring. Like the poor kid scrubbing toilets over break. Unnecessary drama added to the thread.</p>
<p>Flossy, yes. One had been the other’s day care provider in the past.</p>
<p>I just wanted to note that we’ve had more issues with rich people giving cheap gifts than rich people giving expensive gifts.</p>
<p>And I would also point out that this is another discussion where there is unnecessary polarization. I will feel sorry for you if you stub your toe, or if the movie is sold out when you get there. I will be sorry for you an appropriate amount, relative to your misfortune or disappointment. So I don’t “pity” the kid who doesn’t get to go on the ski trip, but I do feel sorry for him, because I know he would have liked to go if he could have afforded it. I will certainly not lecture him on how he should be grateful just to be there at the college, unless his level of complaining is excessive. So (in my majesty) I will allow him to say, “Well, I sure wish I could go skiing with those guys. Maybe some day,” but will counsel him if he says, “I hate those rich snobs–why should they get to go skiing and not me? Life is grossly unfair!”</p>
<p>Eastcoast crazy- yes, that’s a power play gift. But we’re talking about a college kid giving a friend a piece of jewelry with the full knowledge that the recipient can’t/isn’t/won’t be giving something of equal value or comparable whatever. And I don’t think that’s a power play. And on the very few occasions where it might be (a man giving a casual GF something that is suggestive or a long term commitment) I don’t think that’s about money (or at least, not primarily about money.)</p>
<p>My kids think I’m nuts for holding to the Victorian convention that the appropriate gifts between casually dating couples constitute books, candy, a cute kitchen gizmo, etc. But they have observed that it is much less confusing to both give and get such gifts than to be part of a holiday exchange where one person pulls out the Tiffany box and the other has picked out an illustrated William Blake volume they bought on Ebay for $12.</p>
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<p>It was a response to the idea that poor kids should be “grateful and shut up” about their great gift. As I see it, kids whose parents pay for their education have been given the same gift and perhaps both should be grateful for that and then proceed with raising whatever issues they have for discussion as the original articles students do. I object to the idea that FA kids should be MORE grateful because an institution paid their way whereas full pay kids’ parents paid theirs. Either way, the kid isn’t paying.</p>
<p>My friends do a holiday gift exchange each year - we set a price limit. Makes it very easy.</p>
<p>Love your post, Blossom.</p>
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<p>No doubt there are people who think this way, but they are clods, and their world view doesn’t need participation or endorsement. That was my point.</p>
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A group of my relatives used to do this–and one of them routinely would buy a gift that greatly exceeded the price limit. We always thought this was show-offy, and eventually the whole practice was dropped.</p>
<p>I think one thing that kids need to learn is that other people don’t always feel the same way they do, and that it’s best to find out how they really do feel rather than projecting onto them how we feel, or how we think they ought to feel.</p>
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<p>A lot of financial aid kids do pay towards their college bills. Mine pay their summer earnings towards their bill and have their campus jobs to pay for their expenses. We joke about it being character building. They probably have enough character by now.</p>
<p>Both the rich and poor kids are getting the gift of a college education. The rich kid is also getting the gift of a ski trip. I don’t understand the objection to my feeling that it’s too bad they can’t both get the ski trip.</p>