Davidg- I think the difference is that we are not just talking about the “elite” schools anymore. We are in California, and I am in amazement at the kids we know who are being rejected from many UC’s; not only Cal (Berkeley) and UCLA, but Davis, Irvine, and Santa Cruz are becoming more and more difficult to get into. Even some of the Cal State’s have become a reach for some kids with very top stats- Cal Poly SLO is as competitive, or more so, than many of the UC’s. My son has had fairly good luck with his admissions, but he is our youngest, so we have been watching the trends and picked his list accordingly. Our oldest (twins) are now 28 and the college admissions is a whole new ball game since then. It has even changed significantly since out 23 year old applied. I think many of the kids around us who have very high stats (3.9 UW/4.5 W GPA’s, 2200+ SAT’s) are a bit shocked that they are being rejected from our 2nd and 3rd tier UC’s. I would not have predicted many of these results, and don’t blame these kids for being disappointed.
The purpose of study is to give yourself the best opportunities in the future. You have done that. Your path may not lie in the top schools you chose, but regardless, you have prepared yourself the best you could for the next stage in your life. You may be going to [safety school], and you will do better and have more opportunities there because of all the preparation you have done.
Isn’t your desire to be [profession]? You can still achieve that. If you had not put in the hard work, would that still be an option? Or, would you be looking forward to a life of flipping burgers?
When you go to college, expect to put in even more hard work. Why? Because you want to have the best chance at more opportunities when you graduate from there. I thought it was funny that they called graduation the “Commencement Ceremony”. Commencement? I thought it was the end of school, not the beginning. Then I realized that it wasn’t just the end of school, but the beginning of the next phase of your life – a ceremonial passing of the baton. Continue to study hard and give yourself the best opportunities for the next phase of your life.
There are three different approaches (use as appropriate):
<ol>
<li>The race is long. Those who work hard will eventually succeed. They might have some setbacks, but they will eventually make it in life. </li>
<li>Schools tend to choose kids who fit in, and most people understand this after they enroll. This means that you could get into a reach school because you’re perfect for the place (as it is, not as you think it is), or get rejected from a match school because other people are a better fit. You will be happy in September.</li>
<li>Honey, you’re competing in a national pool now. There are approximately four million high school seniors If you’re among the top 5%, then there are 200,000 people who are as good or better than you are. And then there’s people who are great athletes, who founded non-profits, or who are otherwise not as bright and academically gifted as you are, but who have succeeded so much in other realms that colleges want to take them.</li>
</ol>
My heart does hurt for some of the kids on this board. Our kids are “lucky” enough to have involved and educated parents who care about their successes and disappointments.
Some kids are not so lucky.
IMHO - In the end, having someone there as your cheerleader is probably worth several college acceptances.
The other thing I will say is that there are a lot more straight-A students than there used to be, but it’s not because today’s kids are amazingly smarter than previous generations. Grade inflation is rampant. So is “AP inflation,” wherein every high-level course has the “AP” label slapped onto it. (If you’re really doing college-level work in those courses, you simply cannot handle more than a few of them per year.)
Back in the '90s, my high school offered exactly four AP courses. Having an unweighted GPA of about a 3.8, with honours weighting getting you into the low 4.0 range, would put you in the top 2% of the high school class. Something like 80% of the school played at least one sport or was heavily involved in at least one club. But almost no one did marching band and sports, because the top-ranked marching band required too much time, and many of the state-champion sports teams wouldn’t make concessions. Mostly, people did a few ECs extremely well, and teachers pushed us hard. It was expected that senior year courses would take up about an hour per night of homework, and, if you did that plus varsity athletics, that was it for you. We took the SATs once.
But I knew someone who went to a parochial school wherein the top 10% of the class was separated based on how many A+ grades the students had, and the sports teams met a few times a week. So someone coming out of that school could have an unweighted 4.0, play three sports a year, do five clubs, take a bunch of APs, but not really be a great college candidate. (Results of each school proved this out - most of our top 10% were Ivy/Little Ivy, and but they were lucky to get one kid a year into a top school.)
DD went through the process in 2010. The results were almost 100% what she, DH and I and her college counselor predicted.
Fast forward 3 years…it’s DS’s turn: different kid, different interest and different stats. But, same style of great college advising and also a Naviance account which shows a pertinent and detailed 3 year history of results. And…the results are not anywhere close to what was expected. Seems it’s quite a different ball game.
That said, what we highlighted for both of the kids was similar. College is a big, big BUSINESS. Businesses change their behaviors based on factors completely out of an applicants’ control. And no, it is not transparent or fair. We remind them that all the hard work they put in in HS is not lost. My dad is a WWII survivor. For as long as I can remember he’s held the firm belief that almost anything can be taken from you. But what you have learned, what is in your head is always packed and ready to go. And, it will always be available to you.
We briefly grieve the loss of one dream and then encourage them to move forward.
FWIW…DS had an internship with a well know research institution last summer. He was the HS kid among UG’s, Grad students and PhD’s in the making. It was positive proof that what you do is more important than where you do it.
Life is Liiiike a box of chocoLATES. you never know what you’re gonna get.
^^^^ LOL …and true!
My D is at the point now where she will have to make a decision soon. She did not get accepted to her “reach” schools but did to her matches and safeties. Luckily a couple of her matches were among her top choices. The thing about it is that where she chooses to go to school is not ultimately a big choice. What she chooses to do once she gets to whereever she decides to go is the big choice. I realize that the OP’s D is dissappointed and that happens in life, however, it doesn’t negate her accomplishments to date. She is just as bright and driven as she was before the decisions came out. It makes her no less intelligent and unless she allows it will not prevent her from accomplishing the things she desires in life. Best wishes and keep giving your best.
No, I was not aware of the California situation. Just shows how the education system is failing our children due to budget cuts. In Florida, most reasonably accomplished High Schoolers can still get into the University System, and if not, guaranteed admission to even the Flagship University of Florida upon successful completion of a two year CC degree. Still, not trying to be harsh, just realistic. Only a very small percentage of kids are going to get into the very top schools. But in th end, I am of the opinion that the undergraduate education is not all that important. Its the graduate education or the first job that will make or break a person. Ive known people who started out in community colleges who are now top ranked doctors, knew a guy who was in my State College class and is now a Director with Goldman Sachs. (He did go to an Ivy for Grad school) Lots worse things can happen than not getting into the school of a childs dreams. Life is going to be far more unfair to most as they get beyond college. The child just needs to learn to make the best of his/her situation and still do the best they can where ever they are
^^^ I do agree that it really doesn’t matter where you start out, but where you end up. I don’t know of any employers who care that a prospect started out at a CC and then transferred - they only look at the last school and what the prospect accomplished while there. We also know of several very successful people who attended low tier state schools and went on to very good graduate programs and then on to great success- and at a much lower cost than others who went to more elite undergrad programs. I do feel that many of our California STate schools can no longer be considered safties- they are bringing in more and more OOS students for monetary reasons, and leaving our own kids out in the cold. Unfortunately, this has occurred over a fairly short time-span, and I don’t think many of our kids realize how difficult it has become. They limit their applications to a few reaches, and then fill in with schools that were once considered safeties, only to find they are left with few options.
Not sure it will help, but I’ll share story of my older D. She was rejected from the 7 schools she wanted to attend and accepted to the 1 safety she didn’t want to attend. It was awful. Nothing we said, the usual “it must be where you are supposed to be”, even “maybe your future husband is there” - jk - helped much.
What did help was a card and flowers one of her friends dropped off on our doorstep. It said (in more colorful language) “Dear (schools she was rejected from), You have seriously made one of the biggest mistakes ever by rejecting a girl who was going to be one of your most famous alumni. She’s talented…etc.” It went on about how stupid they were and what a great loss it was, really very funny. My D loved it.
Okay, she enrolls and attends the safety, a beautiful well-regarded private school so this is where the happy ending should be - but it’s not! She was really unhappy there, it did not fit at all. So for the heck of it, she applied to transfer to only one school, the one where she felt she belonged. And now the happy part. They accepted her, she transferred and settled in, happy as a clam. In fact, she had huge success during her 3 years, more than she would have hoped for and when the other students complained about this and that with the school, she just smiled, thankful and appreciative to be there.
The day she graduated, we talked about how 4 years ago, we never could have foreseen how it would work out.
I know this won’t help at this time, but just a story to show it will work out. She saved all 7 letters and someday when she is successful she wants to frame them and put them on her wall.
(Of course, if you can have her friends write a card telling off the schools and drop it off with flowers…)
In my years of paying closer attention to admissions of kids we know personally, I have seen MANY astonishing/incomprehensible rejections, as well as a few astonishing/incomprehensible acceptances. DS (a couple of years back) fortunately did not have this happen. But just this year I am seeing some of the most head-scratching rejects for DDs friends.
I really do believe that the work ethic your daughter has will serve her forever. I also believe she will get into a good school and will thrive there. It’s what you do with your admission that will matter a whole lot more than the fact of getting in to a single-digit acceptance-rate university.
Give her a hug from us here- she’s a winner, period. Chin up, mom.
Just wanted to add my 2 cents to the discussion. My husband is a retired elementary teacher. The accomplishments he achieved in his profession had nothing to do with the school and grad school he went to. Some of the best teachers he knew graduated from non-flagship lowest-tier state schools. Would getting his degree from an ivy league or USNews Top 100 school have mattered? Not at all. Great teachers are self-made and truly passionate about what they do.
Same thing with my profession–sales, where a 4-year college degree isn’t even required.
Life is about what you do with what you’ve got! Getting into a fancy name school is great for bragging rights, but probably won’t matter much 5 years from now.
Your child will do fine and this will be a great learning experience. I keep telling my D14 that it’s up to her to chart her own path and success isn’t measured by the school you got your undergraduate degree from.
“Everyone is applying to the same top 20 schools.” (floridadad55)
This is really the root of the problem.
Most of the top high school students use the US News college ranking as a guide for college application. Elite colleges also bombard good students with their invitations for application, raising a lot of false hope.
There are so many colleges that offers quality education and scholarships for top students, but too many students set their eyes only on the top tier schools. Parents and teachers should help the students to see the reality and identify the colleges that will truly benefit them in the long term. Always encourage the kids to do their best in school and outside school, not for the sake of college application but for the sake of self-realization; also make effort to find the hiddden gems in college selection.
If you have to go to your “safety” school, just remember that there is no lack of excellent students like you in the safety school. Forget what is behind and strain toward what is ahead.
I’ll add a little wisdom from my experience with kids applying to college. Many times they are pressured by peers, parents, society, into applying and hoping for acceptance into the most ‘elite’ schools. And of course they should shoot for the stars. 
However, I would always remind kids that some of the most successful Americans did indeed graduate from tiny schools not on many people’s radar:
Oprah Winfrey? Tennessee State. (this also happens to be the alma mater of the admissions director where Sportsmom’s son attends school.) Steven Spielberg = rejected from USC. Attended Cal State Longbeach. Murray Lender (Lender’s Bagels) = Quinnipiac University. Ed Bradley? = Cheyney State (now Cheyney University of Pennsylvania.)
I think we might all agree that these are some smart and accomplished people. (I have a list of 20 more if anyone is interested. (ha)) None of them went to schools that ‘most Americans’ have even heard of. So, while the sting of this week for many might feel crushing, remember. Success is not limited to those at the top 20 schools in the country. It might just be that a current freshman at Tennessee State is the next person up to change the world.
Our daughter and family went into this saying the top schools are “lotteries” of qualified applicants and you will need to have some money to be able to go. It being a “lottery” puts in the high element of “chance,” rather than her abilities and achievements. Initially, her list was all elite schools…we told her to change her list because she needed to have some “choices” at the end of the day. She did and is now glad…Out of the most elite, she has been accepted at two, WL at one, and rejected at another. Thus far, the second tier have given acceptances and merit aid, all of which will help. We have emphasized that all are great schools. Your daughter will be a success, no matter where she goes.
davidg: Very wise words. Admissions committees attempt to create well-rounded classes.
There are other variables that are considered. Ex: geography,child of major donor etc. that are considered. This is particularly true at the small number of schools that many parents select for their children to aspire to.
I always wonder when I see people applying to the schools that USNWR and Princeton Review have anointed as the top schools do parents really research these schools? How do they know that these schools are good fits for their child? What criteria are they employing? is it only that these schools have reputations for being where smart people go to college? Also where do you thing the graduate students developed by the Ivies and the other top twenty teach? Answer to the last question; At the state universities and liberal arts colleges.
In response to the mother’s question,I would suggest that our children learn from our example. If you treat the rejections as inconsequential and look forward to next year at the state school as the beginning to a wonderful future she will too.
Sorry to the OP and OP’s daughter.
I am so glad that my children grew up in a small midwestern town where the students aren’t lead to believe that they are failures if they don’t get accepted to a small contingent of colleges. My daughter graduated high school two years ago and her class included a handful of students who are now attending Harvard, Stanford, U of Chicago, Northwestern, a military academy and some “top” LACs. Yet, my feeling is that most parents and students are happy, not envious, for those students who got into those schools. I think that most of her classmates typically applied only to some regional LACs, state flagships and directional universities. Fortunately for them, they went to a high school that offered enough challenging AP courses–so it wasn’t unimaginable for them to get into a top 20 college, yet they weren’t surround by that toxic “dream school” culture that is dominant in other areas.
Meliora really hit the nail on the head.
OP, your daughter sounds like a hard working, very accomplished young person who I’m sure will ultimately find her way to a wonderful school. I wonder, (and I ask this without any judgement!) if now…objectively looking back at the list of schools she applied to, would you make any different choices?