How do you prepare for the "we are sorry"

<p>rejections?</p>

<p>DD spent most of this holiday break completing her applications. I think she said she has two more to go. </p>

<p>All of a sudden, she said: " it will really suck if they say not to me after all these work". That caught me by surprise. All I could say was: all schools on you list are extremely competitive. The likehood of not getting in is very high."</p>

<p>The happy mood in the house just turned ice cold. I then sit her down and asked her: are you comfortable with your list? Will you have regrets? </p>

<p>How do you prepare a relative high achiever who got all nice words from her teachers for rejections?</p>

<p>You explain that they will go to college, will it be their 1st choice maybe not, but in a yr from now as they sit at the TDAY table telling you about all of the funare having they won't remember that rejection letter. That's what we said and what my mom said to me 20 yrs ago. She was right and my kids told me on TDAY you were right.
I also said that the letters were nothing personal, they don't know your kids it is just about meeting the criteria and fit for the college. As an example UMD only takes 30% of Out of State, so criteria can be harder if your not in the state for some schools. It is nothing personal.</p>

<p>If the list is well designed to include some "likelies" which the student will be happy attending (although maybe not as happy as the desired reaches), it's good to remind the student that they'll be attending a good school <em>somewhere</em> next year. We had the same issue three years ago when my older son was applying to schools. Every one of them was a competitive school (even his UC choices were UCLA and UCB where admission is not a guarantee even for high achievers). And we <em>were</em> surprised at decision time, when he was accepted by schools like MIT and Columbia and Olin, and yet turned down by Stanford. I was surprised at how bummed he was by the rejection, but it was quickly replaced by the joy of having some really hard yet wonderful choices to make among schools which <em>DID</em> want him.</p>

<p>You won't be able to prepare her fully for the possibility of rejections, but if you concentrate on how well-designed her list is and focus on the great acceptances she will likely receive from schools that DO want her, that's probably the best you can do. Hang in there....</p>

<p>Dad II, tell them that life goes on. She can try again to transfer in a few years, or she can try again for graduate school.
I've compiled a list of 50 top women that was compiled by Yahoo recently and guest what, only one woman graduated from HYP.</p>

<p>It might be helpful if she knows up-front just how selective some of these schools are and how the method of selection is difficult to predict so even high-achievers aren't guaranteed an acceptance. It's surprising how many students and even parents don't quite realize this. There are countless examples of people being accepted to UCB but turned down by UCLA and vice versa. Ditto with Stanford versus UCB for example. Ditto with Ivies as well - one student gets accepted to Harvard but turned down by Princeton while the other student gets accepted by Princeton and turned down by Harvard. There are also cases where a student with seemingly much lower stats gets accepted to a particular college yet the student with higher stats gets rejected. Why - who knows? Maybe that student had something unique the college was looking for or maybe it just came down to the particular adcoms who looked at the app or the mood they were in that day. Your D likely already knows of some cases like this for the students in the year ahead of her. </p>

<p>While getting rejected will never feel good, if the expectation level is realistic at least the news shouldn't be as surprising and perhaps a bit easier to accept. Moreover, she needs to understand that a reject shouldn't be interpreted as minimizing all of the hard work she's done and the accomplishments achieved. Even if one college rejects her there'll likely be others who'll be thrilled to have her.</p>

<p>Make sure she's applied to some acceptable safeties.</p>

<p>And never overlook serendipity that is not apparent at the time. D was rejected by Yale and attended Smith instead...one of the best things that ever happened to her and she'd tell you so herself. As long as you have one or two acceptances that you're happy with, the number of rejections shouldn't matter.</p>

<p>You can only attend ONE college.</p>

<p>It sounds like she's put a lot of effort into her applications, and if her teachers like her that much, I'm sure there's a reason why - probably many reasons why. I remember the stress of this time from when I was applying, but it does all work out somehow. Good luck to your daughter. I'm sure she'll have a great freshman year somewhere!</p>

<p>There is no way to prepare a student for a letter of rejection...even IF they are expecting one. Our older child is a musician and he has gotten used to rejection (as well as acceptance) as being a "fact of life" in his profession. Still, it stung when he was not accepted at some schools he applied to for graduate school. However, he DID get accepted at a school that he actually is LOVING and for very different reasons than he thought initially. I'm sure the sting is still there at times, but he has moved on for the most part and is quite happy where he is. The reality is that if the list of schools is a well balanced one, there is a place there where this OP's daughter WILL be accepted and will enroll...and very likely will be happy. And if not, there can always be a "plan B". Many of us remember Andison...he came up with a terrific gap year when he did not get accepted to the schools to which he applied. The happy ending here is that when he reapplied for acceptance after his gap year, he found terrific acceptance success and is happily enrolled at his top choice. (do a search for this thread...it's a great one).</p>

<p>I think for many of our kids, college applications are the first time that hard work doesn't guarantee the desired outcome (although some areas have highly selective sports and musical activities). It's very hard to realize that even though your kid is wonderful, someone else's kid is too. </p>

<p>My mother, who mostly was very mean but occasionally useful, used to say "well, the best you can do is still the best you can do." Her meaning was that doing your best was sometimes still not enough, and sadly, it's true--but sometimes your best is the best, and that's good.</p>

<p>Your daughter will, most likely, have some acceptances and some rejections. That will be true for the rest of her life. I wouldn't try to prepare her--I would just state: you'll get in some places, and you won't get in others. Once we have all the acceptances, we'll find the best place for you from those colleges.</p>

<p>Dad II,
I think it's important for kids to hear that the rejection is NOT personal. Admissions committees are trying to create a mosaic of a variety of kids, talents and backgrounds. At the same time, it is quite an accomplishment to have the stats and accomplishments to even apply to top schools with a straight face, so your D has plenty to be proud of.</p>

<p>Perhaps your D's nervousness is because she focused on the high end of the selectivity spectrum. Now is gut check time -- and perhaps a chance to ask if there are any other schools where she might want to apply. As other folks have mentioned, this is where rolling admissions and early action can help to get that first "Yes, they want me!" acceptance.</p>

<p>I think <em>I</em> am more nervous than DS at this stage. However, I am trying very hard to squelch this and not pass it on to him. He has a wonderful list, well-tailored to chances, geography, possible merit $$, a change of tastes between now and then, and the vicissitudes of the admissions process. He would be happy at his safety (which is top 20 in his intended field), so I just have to sit back and let the process take its course.</p>

<p>Dad II,</p>

<p>I think it is important to just listen, let her dream for now and support her if/when rejection comes. </p>

<p>There is NO WAY to prepare her for this short of dashing any dreams she might have. She will have a whole life of successes, failures, rejections and victories. And yes, hard work does not always pay off. So what....</p>

<p>Please, unless you see her doing or saying something alarming, let it be.</p>

<p>Our own D just applied for a major scholarship. She was so excited talking about how great it would be if she got it, even though we parents (and her of course) understood how long the odds were. But she had a lot of fun dreaming. We parents just listened. No "but remember" or "what if". And the ending was not so bad either.</p>

<p>Well, our approach to prepare our senior for potential rejection is to talk about how admission to any school simply does not guarrantee success or happiness in life. Wouldn't it be wonderful if that's all it took? Sadly, there are many who have led less than perfect lives who attended HYPS and the other elites. And many who attended lowly community colleges who have led fantastic lives. We tell her that no matter where she ends up, she will have to continue to work hard, take risks, have confidence and a little luck to get where she wants to go. That seems to help her not to fixate on particular schools. Also, the very first applications she completed were state flagship and a nearby public, both of which are top 50 national universities, both of which have already accepted her, offered her full tuition, and indicated she is a likely finalist for even bigger merit aid. The bird in hand is very nice to have. I'm not saying there isn't lots of anxiety flowing in the house. But it isn't so much about whether she'll be accepted places. It's about whether she'll manage to complete all the applications in time.</p>

<p>
[quote]
You can only attend ONE college.

[/quote]
Actually, Marite, if the notions behind the Everett-Wheeler theories of multiple universes are correct, along with the Kubler-Ross phenomena of "dying if you don't get in," with an assist from Sybil-Eve personality disassociation and the corollary Charcot-Wexler personality integration, it may be possible to attend more than one college at the same time.</p>

<p>I do not create the light, I only hold the lantern.</p>

<p>===</p>

<p>Dad II, you've received some really good perspective in this thread.</p>

<p>Yes, I have indeed. Thank you all very much. </p>

<p>I could mostly relate to what NMD wrote. It is like the $1 lottory purchase I made when the jackpot is more than 200 Millions. Yap, a nice dream for like 1/2 day while knowing the odds.</p>

<p>We have also learnt that there is not really any 100% safety. During the dinner time last night, we talked to someone whose D is attending UVa with a full ride scholarship. He told us that they got nothing (FA wise) from what they thought were sure safeties, including state U. and the city U.</p>

<p>A Safety in terms of admissions says little in terms of Financial Aid. It is well to disassociate the two concepts. CC user Curmudgeon probably has the most extensive documented experience at looking for high levels of Financial Aid from competitive colleges.</p>

<p>It may be counter-intuitive, but you actually have better chances of FinAid at pricey private colleges, obtaining a lower cost of attendance than you would get at the public institutions, whose FinAid is often very limited.</p>

<p>
[quote]
We tell her that no matter where she ends up, she will have to continue to work hard, take risks, have confidence and a little luck to get where she wants to go.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>That's good advice.</p>

<p>I would tell her that there are a lot of colleges out there looking for bright young students - and a lot of bright young students like her looking for colleges. Let her know that she's not alone in her anxiety, and that she will find the right place for her. :)</p>

<p>We prepped DD by classifying her schools as "lottery" and "likely." When she got an EA admittance to one of her "lottery" schools she jumped about 6 feet in the air and screamed. She actually got admitted to a better school RD but she was so warm and fuzzy toward the EA admit I'm afraid that didn't even register. Marketing cuts both ways.</p>

<p>I have to say one of the best things you can do for your kids is tell them that they should just put themselves out there in the app and not worry--their tribe will find them. DD is SOOO much happier at the school that admitted her than at the school she THOUGHT was her first choice. The alum interview at her supposed first choice was probably the best thing--he asked her whether she liked research and she reacted like he'd presented dog crap on a plate. Her reaction is "why would I EVER hide my light under the bushel of some godawful lab?" She ends up at the extravert of all extravert schools and some professor pulls her in and says "you look pretty smart..why can't we attract more undergrads who want to go on to academic graduate programs?" Her quite serious advice was to create an environment that was more appealing to students who wanted to live and work individually.</p>