As Rejections keep rolling in What do you tell your Honor student?

Applying to College Admission Stories
61

I agree with EXieMITAlum; there are so many URM students who are very good in acdemics and every thing else also. My child’s close friend at Harvard – a URM – had 4.0 GPA and did internship at Wall Street as well as in a hospital. Ended up going to Med school. My son used to mention that he has never seen a more brilliant person in his class.

Also as others have mentioned, high school years are for learning and pursuing activities that interests the children - not for resume building. My first child took “History of Art” in high school – he was a science major – because he liked the teacher. I can still remember his excitement when we went to Italy few years later and he saw Michelangelo’s art work.

62

Part of me to say “Is a dream a lie if it don’t come true. Or is it something worse?”- Springsteen, the other part thinks I should say is “it ain’t no sin to be glad you are alive”- Springsteen

63

im a senior and ive been having pretty bad outcomes too. I worked every living day of my high school career with the dream of going to a great college in mind. i just got waitlisted to a school i thought i had a really good chance at and wanted to go to as well. i have two more decisions coming tomorrow and the day after but at this point ive lost all hope. whatever happens will get no reaction from me because i know im probably going to my state school.

it just feels like a complete waste, you know? i feel like a failure. my parents spent time and money on making me a good candidate for college. and here we are, going to a school i could have gotten into anyhow

64

It stinks - that’s all there is too is. The pain and disappointment are real, nothing to be done about that. Here is what you can do - in the evening, it has to be dark, in the middle of tears, grab her hand and a carton of eggs. Go outside, open the carton, take an egg out and throw it as hard as you can against the wall - offer her the carton and let it go (you can go back later and rinse with the garden hose or a bucket of water. But just smash the whole carton - then through tears smile and say - ok, let’s start over - let’s see what we can do now to make things better. It helped with mine, perhaps it will help with yours.

65

Actually, ExieMIT, it’s a GOOD thing to hear. Whenever someone starts whining about being “passed over” for someone in that pool, I say, “You’re welcome to go to a college that is filled with upper-middle class white suburbanites, who are all from the same five states, have no extracurricular talents, and whose parents are all college graduates. Oh, and that school won’t take your kids, either, unless they are every bit as good as you are, no matter how active an alum you end up being. By the way, that school doesn’t even bother having sports teams, a poetry mag, dance clubs, a theatre troupe, or an a cappella group, because there simply aren’t enough students who are good at those things to make it worthwhile.”

Maybe I’m harsh, but if you’re an upper-middle class white suburban kid (a description that fit 17-year-old moi to a T), then you had better score higher on the SATs than a kid whose parents are coal miners with a ninth-grade eduction. Not their fault if you, having every opportunity available to you, aren’t making as much of those opportunities as other ridiculously privileged people.

66

Whiteout13: first, beg and plead with the school that WLed you. Start that now.

Second, you are not a “failure” for getting into the same school you would have gotten into anyway. If you learned something (and didn’t just grade-grub) in high school, you will be better prepared than your peers. If you get merit aid, you’ll save your parents money. If you get into a school that you really like, you’ll have achieved that.

But can we PLEASE stop treating admission as the pinnacle of human achievement? It’s like, congrats, you got in, now what the f— are you going to do with your life and that fancy degree?

67

While we all would like hard work and achievement to be the only factor, it clearly isn’t. Admissions has something to do with playing poker in that there is a certain amount of luck that has to be considered. We never know who will read the app essays or conduct interviews and what their reactions will be. The best writers and actors have their critics, so merely being good isn’t always enough. So consider the subjective factors and understand that there will always be certain things that are out of an individual’s control.

68

I have not read all the posts. But first I want to say that I hope the rejected student is not burnt out. It sounds like they poured a lot of work and energy into achieving in high school. If they are so depressed from rejections that it makes them want to stay in bed, then it might be that they were working specifically for the reward of getting accepted and not for the pleasure and joy of working and learning itself. And if that is the case, then you can view these rejections as a blessing in disguise!!! We have a phrase in our house, that says, “It all worked out for the best.” and although our kids find it annoying the truth is, it often does. I don’t know what schools your child was rejected from, but the Ivy’s (and I am an ivy alum) do not necessarily offer the best or most supportive education. I know tons of alumni who say "I would of been better off if I had gone to another school that did not necessarily have the same “big brand” name. A lot of why Ivy’s are appealing to kids is that they are “brands”. They do not necessarily offer the best education for an undergraduate.

The key question to ask your daughter right now is “Why college?” “What are you going for?” “What are your hopes and dreams as an adult?” And then point out to your daughter that those goals do not necessarily require an Ivy league degree.

My son is a kid with an ivy league brain. But he had some major challenges and obstacles in high school and was not even in a position to apply to a top tier school. He applied to Brandeis and they rejected him (a blessing in disguise actually). But this kid had a goal, which is he knew he wanted to go on and get a Phd and become a mathematician or a scientist. I remember him asking professors at the schools that did accept him about whether they had students who went on to graduate school who came in already behind in these fields because they did not have all the AP credits. They tried to assure him that if that was his goal he make it happen at their school. Once our son was in college he started to excel academically. But because he was not at an ivy league school he insisted that his good grades were due to his school being easier. Then one spring break his cousin came to visit. His cousin was a year older and attending an ivy league school. They had both taken a real analysis math class. They started to compare the classes. At one point my nephew said to our son, “Oh wow your professor put that on the exam. Geez I would have been screwed that is so difficult.” And our son realized that his grade was not because his class was easier due to being at a school that is not considered as prestigious.

Also many kids transfer. Brandeis told us that our son could probably apply as a transfer student and would get accepted. But after our son’s first year he was happy and decided not to. But he has friends who went to his school, which is often a safety school for kids who apply to top colleges, that did transfer. It is considerably easier to transfer because so many kids do not make it through their first year or do not return.

If your child is unsure about “Why College” then seriously consider a gap year. Too many kids go off to college burnt out from HS and all they do is waste their four years. And those are some pretty expensive four years to waste.

69

I was deferred and eventually accepted at UVA, and graduated Phi Beta Kappa. Admissions have nothing to do with ability. I like to throw it in people’s faces that I almost wasn’t admitted and look at me now. I also found my classes to be really easy, and I had learned things in high school many other students were just learning in college. The work will not be for nothing.

My brother was rejected at his top 5 schools, and got into his two fit/safety schools. He is now doing his PhD and had a great time at his fit school. When he changes the pharmaceutical world with the great things he will eventually do, and changes people’s lives immeasurably, it won’t be because of any of those schools that did not admit him, and it won’t matter for him. It truly will be their loss.

In any case, your daughter will go on to do great things at a college she attends, and she will continue to make her life her own with the people and institutions that believe in her.

70

There are so many of us struggling with the same situation: my son has been waitlisted at 3 schools in the last week, and started taking it hard. I am reminding him what we decided going in, which echoes what many of you are also saying: college admissions is a shifting business, and not at all transparent. We are high financial need and went into his applications to private LACs asking for a great deal.

There are losses to be mourned and a moment where you (the student) will continue to grow and redefine yourself in this loss as you move through it. Never have you wasted a single moment of your time working to refine your intellectual capabilities, or musical proficiency, or giving to your communities in service.

I feel the best we can do as parents is to be open and honest with our children: this is a loss, it is painful, and unfortunately the lesson is that life is hard. Throw eggs, cry, talk it through. Then get out of bed and go back to school. Remember who you are – unique among all these applicants, with an existence and intrinsic worth far beyond the pieces of paper you filled out months ago.

71

Often times, colleges see the grades but not the person. This may be a telling sign that she has yet to “ripen” to their expectations . Where ever she goes, she will mature and grow.

72

She is disappointed but show her that you are proud of her no matter what. Sometimes kids are afraid to disappoint parents more than themselves. If we give kids a positive outlook and assure them it’s going to be alright, chances are they will come around. Everything will be fine in the long run and she will ultimately end up at the place where she wants to be. If it’s not this year, it will be next year…or the next.

If you sit down with her and chart the path to her goal and show her on paper there are more than one way to achieve her goal, hopefully she will see that this is not the end of the world.<br>
Having something on paper, sets the plan and makes the future less uncertain. Certainly can take the strain off.

“Brick walls are there for a reason: they let us prove how badly we want things”
~ Randy Pausch

73

The best words of advice I have from a mom who was there two years ago is “The BEST school is the one that makes your child happy.” We as a society need to stop looking at certain schools as the Holy Grail and start looking for a place that fits our child’s total needs and personality. When we looked at GOOD FITS with S2 this year, it made a world of difference. He’s into 9/10; waitlisted at 1. And any one of them would be fine for him. Parent and guidance counselor expectations are the real problem today. Luckily, our GC is very realistic. Good luck OP-I can speak from experience that your daughter will go to one of her matches and be happy S1 later turned down an auto Sophomore admit at an Ivy). And if you have more kids, guide them gently towards the fit and feel. Feel free to PM me if desired.

74

I was a senior applying for colleges last year, and I have to say I took it all pretty badly myself. I applied to about 16 schools (that is, counting the UC system as one entity since they have the same application), and from all of those schools, I was accepted to perhaps about five of them. My story had a happy ending because one of those five schools I was accepted to was actually my dream school, but I also experienced the immense grief and disappointment your D is facing now since my acceptance to my dream school was the last one I received.

The comparison of ‘Oh, well that person is famous but they didn’t go to an Ivy League’ always felt weak to me back when I was a senior because in my head I could list any number of other famous individuals who DID go to a prestigious college. Any time my mother would tell me “Oh, Steve Jobs went to some no-name college and dropped out”, I would counter and say, “Well, Oppenheimer, James McNerney (at one point CEO of Boeing), and any number of U.S. presidents went to Harvard.”

I think what actually helped me along in my disappointment was something like this:

No matter how prestigious your school is, there comes a time in your college experience, during your day-to-day activities, that you realize you’re not even really thinking about your school’s prestige at all. When I’m interacting with my roommates/floormates in the dorm, or talking to my professor at his/her office hours, I’m not constantly thinking, “Cool, I enjoy hanging out with my floormates because my school is prestigious!” or “I only want to talk to my professor because he teaches at a prestigious school!”

In the same way that high school should have been both an academic and a social center for your kid, so will be college. Your child may have chosen to go to a tough or competitive high school for its academic merit, yes, but once they actually entered school, the whole package was a lot more than just the grades they aimed for. In fact, they’ll probably remember best the friends they made, the teachers they bonded with, and the subjects they found the most inspiring. All of these things- friendships, academic inspiration, etc.- can happen at any high school and at any university if you approach it from the right angle.

:slight_smile: I wish your daughter the best of luck! Allow for her to be disappointed and discouraged, because that is completely normal, but also help her to start moving on.

75

Ha! and there is another thread talking about an article complaining that the top schools are not doing enough to recruit poor people. Either the schools recruit or they don’t recruit. the recruiters promise nothing because they can’t promise anything.

BTW: regarding the comments along the lines “its a crap shot” - it is not. Each student is one in 30,000 for Harvard (Yale, MIT, etc.). They see something in each student they admit. That is not a crap shot. What is a crap shot is: I’m a good writer. Is there another good writer that outshines you that year? The student got beat fair and square. It was just unfortunate the someone else was better. Maybe in a different year there were not as many obo players.

76

I wouldn’t call Reed a no-name college.

But I totally took it badly back in my day, and I am one of those people who think about how great it is to be walking through these hallowed halls as one is walking through these hallowed halls. Having 20% of your classmates going on to Ivies doesn’t help, I suppose.

However, I told myself when applying to colleges that I wanted my success to be my own, and I didn’t want the illusion of being able to coast through life on the brand name of my college.

77

Sorry OperaDad but I could not disagree more. Elite school admissions are very much a crapshoot. I’m not saying there isn’t a basis for the school’s decision or that the decision is wrong or unfounded. What I am saying is that the decision is made on intangible factors that are often either subjective, beyond the control of the applicant and/or having absolutely nothing to do with the quality of the applicant. It’s not a question of “the student got beat fair and square”–fair and square has nothing to do with this process beyond the very first threshold. It’s not that someone is better as much as someone is luckier, has a hook, or happens to fit a particular niche.

And if 1 in 30,000 isn’t a crap shoot, I don’t know what is!

78

Yes 3girls3cats - it is a crap shoot - still, I keep buying a lottery ticket. As long as our children know they are in a crap shoot - for life really, we can comfort them.

79

If my child were in this situation I would have two words for him or her: “I’m sorry.” Somewhere along the way your child was given false hopes that stuck. She needs to know it is not her “fault” and that she has not failed in any way. There are smart kids everywhere. Hopefully she has a good safety on her list that she will be happy attending.

80

I wouldn’t use “their loss” personally, but it’s in the past. “They aren’t rejecting you, they’re doing what they think rounds out their very small class and it doesn’t reflect on you.” That’s not a very emotional appeal but if you’re talking elite schools, it’s what they do. Only a very few (talking low hundreds if that) can get into any college, by way of national/international achievement.

Everyone else is getting rejected by some college, whether they bothered to apply or not. That’s how i interpret crap shot, that it depends as much on the specific talents of other applicants for those who have worked hard for a realistic chance (this is nowhere near every applicant), but it’s also out of their hands.

Or you can go with “You’re going to be fine, you’ll be perfectly happy where you end up in a few months and this will be forgotten.” Then like a hug or something, it’s still difficult for now.