I’m executor for my parents, and my reasonably healthy mother has recently gone on a serious winnowing drive. She’s hiring HS aged granddaughters to sort through rooms of treasures and drive things to Goodwill or Catholic Charities or where ever. The stories have been fun from the girls.
My mother is the oldest of eight, and the only thing that caused any strife in that family was the *^%$@# umbrella stand from the front hall that everyone thought no one else would want. Names were drawn and feelings were hurt, but it was the only way to go. Lesson: talk in advance.
In talking to their friends my parents have decided to set aside money to fund the lake place for ten years (ie expected taxes, a new roof and a small maintenance budget) rather than divide ownership evenly now, which would require my brother from the east coast to pay a full share on a place he sees only occasionally. Lesson: money can fix what it foresees, but continue to talk.
A lot of boomers are starting to stare this situation in the eye from up close. The burgeoning obituary lists were on the way up before covid hit and will continue to grow over the next ten years, so I think as a society we’re going to continue to get better at this as we do more of it. Still not looking forward to any of it.
Although in the context of these forums’ main focus, parents need to be careful when considering kids’ needs sequentially. The specific case is to avoid painting themselves into a corner by overspending on their first kid’s college so that the following kids have a much reduced college budget limit (“why did [older sibling] get to go to [$75,000 college] but I can only commute to community college?”).
My father was a financial mess, but the best thing he ever did was name my mother as beneficiary on his accounts and insurance, so no need for probate at all.
We are hoping to have my mother do the same. She owns the house with my brother and while I think it is as Tenants in common, I’m trying to get them to redo it as joint tenants. The car is titled in her name and she wants me to have it (to drive my other brother places) so that’s done. All her bank accounts have beneficiary or joint owner. All that will be left is too much furniture, her stash of yarn, and clothing. Oh, and a set of silver that we all want but in the end will just let whoever gets it take it. It’s fine. We don’t care.
We’re hoping no probate, no fights. Helps to own very little.
I just did, too! My neighbor is facing this exact situation. One sister of eight wants to keep the house, and the others would rather sell it to fund their mom’s long-term care.
@StPaulDad and @Hoggirl with regards to the lake house….see if you can get a copy of “Saving the Family Cottage”. Well worth the read for families that have a second home they are sure their heirs will want to share.
I had a friend with 5 siblings, there was disagreement over distribution of personal items so they had a family auction, each person was able to bid up to their 20% of the estate cash. It was, umm, interesting, and there was still bickering about whether sister Susie deliberately bid up items she 'knew" Sister Mary wanted.
The shared vacation home is fraught with potential problems. My husband’s grandfather and his siblings had a country place. They actually built much of it themselves. As the siblings died, their children inherited a share of the place. Very few of that generation was interested in using it and even fewer of the next generation. The deed became so confused, since it was not modified with each owner’s death, and in some cases grandchildren of the original owners were technically the rightful owners. Nobody wanted to pay their family’s share of the taxes and upkeep. Then there was an uproar when one of the second generation owners wanted to buy it out from all the others. Nobody wanted to sell to them. At some point, they just defaulted on the taxes and let the state take ownership.
We told MIL that we did not want the cottage if she left it to both H and his S. She doesn’t even take care of her own house. We knew that we would bear the burden of upkeep (physical and monetary), and his S would visit & leave us to clean up after her. No thanks. They ended up putting H on the deed a few years ago, and the will stipulates that the value at the time of the second parent’s death will be considered an advance on the estate. If the estate were to end up depleted, it doesn’t require H to pay half to his sister. Even though H is technically an owner, we have told his mother that if she ever needs the money, she should not hesitate to sell the cottage. (For various reasons, we would not want to buy it from her.). It’s a strange situation to be in, but hopefully they set things up so it will all work out.
It’s up to your mother how to leave her estate. If she wants to leave little or nothing to the 3rd sister that is her right. Without probing into what your mother has put in her will, you could at least let her know of ways to make sure her wishes are followed. An attorney, Jeff Condon, has written a few good books about estate planning including “Beyond the Grave”. He has some tips from the book online at https://condonandcondon.net/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/Jeff-Condon-25-Inheritance-Tips.pdf See tip #18
TatinG, what did you say to your sister when she laid claim to all the furniture for her daughter? My issue wouldn’t be with the furniture or its value but with the attitude. I think a parents’ adult children have the right of first refusal. If there are items that none of the children want then it seems reasonable to offer them to the grandchildren as long as everyone gets an equal opportunity to select something. But all the grandchildren should get to choose and they should take turns. If your sister wants things that have some value then it’s reasonable that it counts as part of her share.
I think your sister is being selfish and rude. The value of the items wouldn’t matter to me. One sibling running roughshod over another and the rest of the grandchildren would. If it was my sister we’d be having a conversation about that.
My sister and I get along well. So I said something to the effect of ‘my duty as executor will be to split everything 50/50 and that will have to include items of value’.
I think I’d also be inclined to ‘give away’ items in exchange for work cleaning out the house. If a grandchild helps, then the price of items they want could be seriously discounted as payment. As far as I can determine these pieces of furniture are the only items that could be worth real money (I looked at Ebay, Etsy, Chairish, 1stDibs, retail, I know).
In the future I’m looking at cleaning out a house with 60 plus years of accumulation and I’m dreading it.
Then there’s the question of whether to update the house to get it ready for sale. Do I take down the flocked wallpaper? Do I take down the wood paneling? Do I take out the wall to wall carpeting and put down wood? Not to mention the code upgrades I’ll likely have to do on electrical, etc.
But are the values you are using quick sale values, or are they the values you could get after marketing, storing, and displaying the items for several months?
Perhaps a real estate agent would better know whether the money and time spent on the upgrades would be recouped both in sale price and time to sale.
My real estate agency helped me with that, kept the wallpaper, had carpets cleaned, did some painting, replaced cabinet hardware, painted/removed some shutters, painted porches…
My sister and I handled my dads affairs when he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Neither of us, nor my kids had any room for the things in his house. If anyone wanted anything we gave it to them (including neighbors, yoga instructors, ex-wives, etc…). My dad had put some things in a storage place. I told my sister if she cleaned it out she could have whatever money she made off of it.
My in laws had to make that determination when they moved to assisted living. For them, it made sense to sell as-is. The house is in a prime subdivision, on a golf course. The property itself is beautiful. The house is one of the first built in a subdivision of homes that got progressively fancier through the years. They loved everything about their home, but we knew that it needed major updates. So far, per the neighbors, the new owners have done updates to the tune of 50% of what they paid for the house, and they plan to do a lot more. H and I are convinced that selling the way they did was best. If the house had needed fewer updates, it would have been different.
Are your parents alive? Have you asked them what they want? Can you ask them to write a note setting out how to deal with this situation?
Personally for a few thousand dollars I’d let her take the furniture and be happy it is staying in the family and being used.
When my FIL passed MY SIL and her H took virtually all of their good furniture (dining room set, bedroom set, den furniture) and it was fine – we had no need for it and it helped them a great deal. The only stipulation was that they had to move it to their home (which they did). We took one small piece which fit perfectly into a nook in our house.
You say your duty as an executor is to split things 50/50. I am no lawyer but not sure things need to be formal if siblings are in agreement about possessions not in the will ( take turns picking,etc) Things clearly in the will need to be dispersed as intended of course. Sometimes we can make things more complicated than they need to be.