Can anyone take a look at this draft of my common app essay??

Hey guys, I’m applying ED to UPenn College of Arts and Sciences, and I was just looking for someone to review a draft of my Common App essay. Yes, I understand it’s very early. However, I had to do it as part of a school assignment.

If it matters, I’m a white male from NJ, applying as undecided, 1550, 33, 680 Lit, 700 ML2, decent ECs and awards

Thanks for any help!!