Can someone give me their impressions on my UC Personal Statement?

<p>This is my UC Personal Statement #2. It is a very rough draft right now, and I want to hear some critiques and impressions. Any comments would be greatly appreciated. </p>

<p>Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?</p>

<p>I have always been fascinated by the quality in man that Renaissance humanists dubbed virtu. They defined virtu as the quality in man to shape the world according to his whims, the definitive quality that marked mankind as special. I have always taken virtu to be a philosophy of pragmatism, a recognition that to change the world, an individual must take action. American society has become a society of accessibility and, thus, bred a generation that would rather defer their problems to others. To many people obtaining drinking water is a simple task; one may head to the store to buy bottled water or simply turn on their tap. But few recognize just where the water comes from or how it is transported. So is it really a shock that the problem of water shortage lies unanswered? I often hear many of my classmates complaining about the American political system. “It is too corrupt,” they say, “My votes makes no difference, so why should I vote at all?” It seems that to them, the solution is no solution at all, as if the problem will fix itself.
This recognition of practicality has shaped both my academic and philosophical perspective. Sometimes in my Calculus class, it becomes easier to simply memorize formulas and recognize solving problems as a simple procedure. But in doing so, one forgets what the formula even means, how it can be applied in real life and the scientific principles it signifies. As a result, I often try to understand the fundamental concepts behind equations and their derivations, so I may better understand how it is represented in the real world. This has helped me significantly in the course of my Physics class, where simple concepts are modeled in highly complex theoretical situations.
The focus on the real life application of math and science is what drew me to engineering. I remember when I first opened up the inner components of my toilet and fixed the faulty flush valve chain. “When I press on the flush handle,” I thought, “the chain remains slack. Perhaps it needs to be more tight.” And indeed, by simply attaching the chain to a different position, it became taut enough to flush. I recall thinking that day, “ I finally understand cause and effect. Now I can do anything.”
It is always a rush for me to see tangible effects to my own actions. It gives me a sense of power and achievement,of independence. As a child it helped me understand that my parents could not solve all my problems for me. But most importantly it meant that I could affect change. With a world so large, sometimes it is easy to feel helpless, to feel as if the world will move on with or without you. But seeing the consequences of my own actions gives me a sense of permeance, a sense of purpose and validation. I choose the practical approach to life. I will approach my problems and learning constructively. I will change the world little by little and in doing so, I will reach my potential.</p>

<p>The biggest thing most writers have to really work on is to “show” rather than “tell”. In many cases, there is something that people want to “tell,” but what they “show” may either not back that up, or actually be in odds with what they want to tell.</p>

<p>In this essay, you <em>tell</em> me that “virtu”/pragmatism/taking action is a quality that fascinates you. So, in this essay, I’m looking for you to <em>show</em> me examples that back this statement up.</p>

<p>You talk about drinking water, and the problem of water shortages, but you don’t show me what you do about this (if anything). You talk about others’ perception of politics as being too corrupt, but you don’t talk about what you yourself perceive to be the solution or the actions that you are taking to “shape the world according to [your] whims”. (If you haven’t actually done anything concrete addressing either of these problems, then you should remove these lines, as they detract from your message.)</p>

<p>The first time that you actually show how practicality affects your life is when you discuss your calculus class. I definitely feel there is an opportunity to show practicality here, but I don’t think you dive deeply enough to show it. You say you try to “understand the fundamental concepts behind equations and their derivations, so I may better understand how it is represented in the real world.” But what does this mean? What are examples of this? You say right after: “This has helped me significantly in the course of my Physics class, where simple concepts are modeled in highly complex theoretical situations.”</p>

<p>But again, what does this mean? What are examples of this?</p>

<p>Here’s a basic question to ask yourself: could this essay have been written by someone who did not actually have any expertise with the subjects within? In this case, the statements about physics and calculus could be written by someone who actually doesn’t know anything about calculus or physics. <em>This is bad for you, because your intention is to show that practicality led you to have a deeper appreciation for these subjects</em>.</p>

<p>The paragraph that begins “The focus on the real life application…” is actually a good paragraph to <em>show</em> your thought process, but it’s buried as the second to last paragraph.</p>

<p>I think you should rearrange and rewrite this essay to focus more on the practical – real world examples of you figuring out cause and effect, physics, engineering, math and science.</p>

<p>Above gave some really good advice.</p>

<p>While reading this I felt like the middle of your essay: “Sometimes in my Calculus class… Now I can do anything.” and everything else were two distinct essays that had been badly glued together. The first seemed to be saying that you should be able to apply abstract things you learn to the real world, and the second that you should take action when you see something wrong with the world and try to fix it. Those statements are different enough that the reader will be thrown for a loop trying to figure out what you’re really trying to say. I think your best bet is to pick one of the ideas to expand on and cut out the other. As it stands, the first one is automatically better because it involves personal experiences, while the second was discussed with examples about other people or general statements like “With a world so large, sometimes it is easy to feel helpless, to feel as if the world will move on with or without you”. </p>

<p>Don’t get discouraged though - this essay is like a rubik’s cube that looks all jumbled up now, but can be on the way to getting solved in just a couple of moves.</p>