Haha, I like your username!
Though, regarding the user, I was expecting you to have a strong writing focus – your interests seem much more divergent. Aside from the SAT II/SAT/ACT math scores, I don’t see your commitment to math. Though you have more journalism activities, they seem fairly standard, and your standardized test scores in English disciplines are weaker. I would definitely suggest trying to work on the image of yourself that you want to present to ad-coms. None of these are really matches, so it’s difficult to predict. I’m going to say:
Princeton University (ED): Deferred, Rejected
- University of Chicago: Waitlist
- Dartmouth College: Accept/Waitlist
- University of Pennsylvania (I don’t know what school you’re applying to. CAS, maybe waitlist. Wharton, reject.)
- Tufts University: Waitlist
- Amherst College: Waitlist/Accept (leans waitlist)
- Middlebury College: Waitlist/Accept (leans accept)
- Kenyon College: Accept
- Swarthmore College: Waitlist/Reject
- Northwestern University: Waitlist
- University of Virginia: Waitlist/Accept
- Duke University: Waitlist/Reject
Best of luck! 
Chance me back? http://talk.qa.collegeconfidential.com/what-my-chances/1966406-chance-me-upenn-ed-yale-brown-princeton-etc-will-chance-back-p1.html