<p>@mathyone @sseamom My daughter is currently a straight-A 4.0 student in middle school. She’s in Alg II right now against our wishes (she just taught herself several years’ worth of mathematics 2 summers ago on a whim and somehow convinced us she was ready for more advanced classes at the time), and has an A in her class, but obviously slacked on her tests and assignments making reckless mistakes; she joined all her academic ECs against our wishes and took up the violin a few years ago despite our warnings. They’re one of the few things that actually challenge her. We never expected her to want to do this kind of thing (we’re not ivy league all the way parents, we’ve always encouraged her to aim for the local universities nearby, and her dream schools are surprisingly Stanford and Yale, not the UC Davis we’ve always preached); we see parents push their kids to the max, never go outside to play, etc., and here she is, just doing it, with effort, sometimes w/o effort. </p>
<p>The effort thing is what concerns us the most; her teacher gave all the students an adaptive mathematics and English language arts test a month ago, and her results said that her skills were the equivalent of an eleventh grader halfway through their year. She didn’t study for it like her classmates did (she was playing video games the whole week, not acting like it was serious or important!), nor did she want to tell us about her results until the teacher e-mailed us. Some kids are going to bed at midnight doing homework, and she’s just lazing about for a few hours. She finishes it all hastily at school somehow. For long-term projects and anything that requires more preparation, her work habits are quite bad; she can stare into space for +4 hours, get sidetracked, etc., and we’re worried that an 8-period day might be too much if she doesn’t learn to mature or adapt in terms of organization skills, work habits, responsibility… We’ve always tried to hammer this idea of working hard and being organized into her head, but it just never gets in. We don’t blame her if she’s bored by all her classes currently, but this is just ridiculous. </p>
<p>But my daughter has this strange tendency to never back down in a challenge. I hope we can get her to learn to give +100% like the other kids, rather than her giving the usual 40 or 50% if we put something bigger at stake. I think it’s working; she’s covered a lot of content in the last three hours since we told her about our deal. </p>
<p>You obviously have a very gifted child. She’s found ways to challenge herself across the curriculum, and outside of school as well. She has a perfect GPA, and while working several grades ahead in math. She’s more accomplished than some college kids and she’s only in 8th grade. I’m not sure what more you want. She IS only in 8th grade, still finding her way, and it appears she’s in reality not one to sit back and let life happen. I have an ex and two kids who are very gifted. Sometimes such people DO learn how to do well without working hard. They also learn how to keep challenging themselves in other ways. Really, I think you should stop worrying about your daughter “slacking” and whether she’s “top ten” somewhere. She sounds amazing just as she is.</p>
<p>Your daughter sounds great. Smart, highly motivated. I’d get out of her way.</p>
<p>Afraid she will take on too much and fail? Maybe. But from what you have said, she will learn from her mistakes and carry on. She is at an age when you have to start letting her make her own choices and own mistakes. </p>
<p>Her work habits may not be the best because she’s obviously been underchallenged and has never had to develop better ones. I understand your concern but I don’t think it’s cause for keeping her out of orchestra. From what you have said, I don’t think that orchestra is going to be any problem for her. Nor any of the languages you were discussing. </p>
<p>“her teacher gave all the students an adaptive mathematics and English language arts test a month ago, and her results said that her skills were the equivalent of an eleventh grader halfway through their year. She didn’t study for it like her classmates did (she was playing video games the whole week, not acting like it was serious or important!),” Are you talking about MAP tests? That’s not something you’re meant to study for–it’s meant to show where you are. My kids took them, and it never occurred to us that they should study for them. I have never heard of any kid studying for that. Not even sure how you would, since it’s adaptive, the questions will vary and there aren’t study guides or anything. And the whole point is to track progress from year to year. The scores don’t really matter. This isn’t the SAT.</p>
<p>Maybe your middle school is different, but our middle school classes are largely a waste of time. My first child was much like yours and we had little issue (other than the occasional bad grade due to sloppy or careless work). Her work and study habits were a little scary to me, but she’s improved every year and handled her schoolwork extremely well with only one minor bobble in high school. My second is the kind you evidently would like yours to be–she gives 200% on everything. And I am often saying to her, is that really worth the time you are putting into it? Just get it done. Because I see her spending lots of time making things perfect and then not having time to do things I feel she would benefit from. "we see parents push their kids to the max, never go outside to play, " In 8th grade? That’s very sad.</p>
<p>“She’s in Alg II right now against our wishes (she just taught herself several years’ worth of mathematics 2 summers ago on a whim and somehow convinced us she was ready for more advanced classes at the time), and has an A in her class, but obviously slacked on her tests and assignments making reckless mistakes; she joined all her academic ECs against our wishes and took up the violin a few years ago despite our warnings. They’re one of the few things that actually challenge her.” I still cannot understand you. You say she is getting A’s without studying much, but when she takes on extra academic challenge, that is “against your wishes”? She took up violin “despite your warnings” <em>Warnings</em> against what? That she might learn to play an instrument and enjoy the music? It sounds like at every step you have tried to hold this kid back, and you seem downright annoyed that she doesn’t have to stay up to midnight like other kids and knock herself out to get A’s. </p>
<p>She took on these extra academic competitions, obviously wanting more challenge in her life. It’s fantastic that she’s made it to the state level in multiple competitions. That is a challenge she took on and she should be able to decide how much effort to put in, how much success means to her. I just think it’s entirely inappropriate to condition anything on the outcome of such competitions. If you’ve done some of these already, I’m sure you realize that many of the competitors are very talented and very dedicated. Some of them are very focused on that one competition, and possibly have been doing that for years, and it can be difficult for the kid who participates in several different ones to compete with that. She’s only in 8th grade, and I think it’s good for her to try out different things. You can participate and get a lot out of it without obsessing about it night and day. </p>
<p>Why all this anxiety? If she wants to go to a top college, she needs to challenge herself and take on the kind of things that you keep trying to stop her from doing. She’s not going to get in if she stays out of all those EC’s and doesn’t challenge herself academically. And if she ultimately doesn’t get in to such schools (they are very tough for anyone), well then you’ll likely get what you wanted for her in a college. </p>