Parents who have been here before, how did you talk with your kids before decisions started coming in? My kid has a strong chance of getting into any jazz or contemporary program, I think, but we are also cognizant that these schools get a lot of applicants. We’ve talked about that, but I’m wondering if you have advice about this upcoming phase and mentioning anything now.
we kinda talk generally with our for undergrad. Vocal performance (opera) - applied to 7 or 8, got live auditions to 4, offers from 3 - Reminder that most schools accept about 10% so sitting in a room full of young people auditioning the head of the department stated to the entire group that only 1 or 2 of the people getting in where in the room. I think most people applying are very confident they will get in but realize that it depends on the voice or instrument needs of the department at that moment in time. Tried to keep stress down and we went to all the auditions so we could worry about getting to the right rooms at the right time and she could focus on audition and not the other stuff.
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Hmmm…with all due respect…I think that he knows that already.
I was fortunate to NOT know a lot about music. My D was surrounded by musicians and watching the classes before her closely…so honestly she knew more than me. She also “knew” that she could get in…somewhere…some time. She could see the past acceptances, the talent and she knew that she belonged. I was the one thinking…maybe she won’t get in. And if I mentioned it to her…I could sense an eyeroll (even now so I keep my mouth shut…lol).
So, maybe you shouldn’t scratch that itch. It sounds like it has been discussed prior. My recommendation is to support your kids without the “warnings”. And at this point, how is it helpful? It’s like being at the 20 mile mark of a marathon and someone tell you…hey this is going to be really hard (as a marathon runner…I KNOW that…I trained for it…let’s be positive here people!)
So, engage in and enjoy the auditions without trying to prep for bad results. Be courageous, positive and have faith he’ll deal with the results (much easier said than done…but you asked!).
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Thank you. I do think keeping stress down around this process is something I can (try to) control, and I can talk about it the least amount necessary, so that my kid can handle everything in his way. I can support him going to auditions and help him get there on time, and I can help when or how he asks me to.
Your message makes me realize, I don’t want to be like those professors who talk about how very few people will get in. I don’t see how that helps to have people look around a room and know that, and so why would it help to talk any further with my child about that?
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You’re absolutely right, and this is amazing advice. He does know it. Me talking about it any further would be really unhelpful and honestly, as I think about it more, kind of cruel. I’ve been at that 20-mile mark actually, and I can tell you that while the idea of quitting running sounded appealing, someone on the sidelines yelling “you might not make it!” would have been awful. Why would I ever do that to my kid!!!?? Thank you so much for the analogy.
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I think for me this is about protecting our hearts from something we can’t and shouldn’t try to. Wow, I didn’t mean to get so deep! 
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The professor conversation was in a long context discussion. He basically was making the point that everyone is talented but most of the girls there were sopranos and it is unrealistic to expect everyone there getting into that school. We appreciated the candor.
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Ah, I see what you mean. I’m sorry I sounded harsh about that professor.
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I had to write BU and call yet again. It’s a no; I spoke to the head of admissions at the School of Music. The university isn’t doing what they need to do to notify those who didn’t pass prescreening, at least in some cases. We should have been notified by January 9th. They’d welcome another application in the future…
We’re a bit taken aback he didn’t pass there. Are the prescreens judged differently depending upon whether one is applying as a Performance major or another music discipline?
I’m sorry about this news, and that you had to call to get an answer. It seems like they could have responded sooner. Your kid has a couple of great acceptances, though. Do you have any more applications out?
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I’ve wondered several times since I came onto this forum why sopranos seem to be the most competitive voice type. Is that a dumb question? For my kid’s kind of music, there are an abundance of drummers and I’m not sure why.
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I want to offer a slightly different perspective to @bridgenail. For a kid going through this for the first time, I don’t think it’s necessarily bad to help them manage expectations if you can do it in a positive way. How much and how depends on the kid.
Coming out of high school, D and we really didn’t know what to expect from the more competitive auditions. When setting up her application list, together we acknowledged which ones we knew she would (probably) get into and which ones we weren’t sure about. She knew for sure that she had at least one school that would work for her. That was liberating. It allowed her to go for it at the more competitive auditions without worrying that it was do or die. Every competitive school she got into was a celebration, and the ones that she didn’t were definitely sad but not heartbreaking.
Where we explicitly worked with her to manage expectations was on the money. We felt she needed to know our financial limitations so that she wouldn’t feel blindsided if she got into a fantastic school but had to turn it down because of the money.
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I think it can help to manage expectations when a kid gets fixed on a certain school that is very selective. Otherwise agree that it is best not to discuss. We didn’t discuss money until we knew what aid was going to be given, which was probably a mistake- but it worked out!
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@PercussionMama and @compmom , thank you for different perspectives.
I think managing expectations is a great way to put it, and it’s different than what I got from @bridgenail, both being helpful. As a family, we worked on managing expectations a while ago, earlier in the process, in a gentle but realistic way. (I hope that’s how it came across to him.) We talked about how his friend was applying to Wharton and that a couple of these schools were his Whartons. You have to go for them, but also know that they’re competitive.
Now that he’s auditioned at his first school and is waiting for a decision, I don’t want to bring it up again at the 20-mile-mark, which I do think would be not nice for my kid (given who he is). I think @bridgenail is right that he really does know in concept how competitive this all is (if not having had the experience), and he’s feeling his own stress. I forget how much he knows when I worry about him/us.
As for the money, we did talk about that a long time ago, and we are supporting him in aiming for some schools where he’d need big scholarships, but also several realistic ones. I realized the other day that he did not have a full understanding of scholarships, merit, and aid, which I hadn’t figured out until just recently myself. So, we sat down and talked about those, and how much would be needed to meet the sticker price at each school. He knows how much we have. We also talked about Miami’s apparent practice of deferring a lot of people, and what that may mean if it happens.
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Yes. Oberlin audition coming up, one EA decision to hear by Feb 1st, the rest are mega-selective schools with excellent music departments/opportunities. Schools got dropped from the list given the acceptances in hand, which remain good choices.
So the School of Music people told the university to get their act together, and the university never did. Nothing in the portal. Ergo, multiple emails/phone calls. The gentleman I spoke to was terribly apologetic and at least was able to explain the situation that affected some subset of the undergraduate applicants. Makes me not think so highly of the university as a whole, though.
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This makes a lot of sense. One difficult part is that my kid will have only applied to two schools when he gets the first decisions. Without anything else fully submitted out there, it’s difficult not to get fixated. But he has several competitive schools that are exciting to him and he just hasn’t auditioned yet. I think like @PercussionMama said, it will be liberating to have one decision, and I think that will be true even if it’s a no.
You are doing a great job @BeverlyWest!
Thank you! 
This is so difficult, and may depend on the kid. Music is so competitive at this level (and musicians in general are high achievers), I’d imagine most are aware of the challenges of getting into their programs. I’d also expect that their teachers have also been forthcoming about their chances.
Yesterday, there was a death by suicide at my daughter’s elite prep school. The student was in their junior year, which is obviously a time that’s wrought with pressure. And while I have no idea what that student may have been going through, I’m certain that every upperclassman on that campus has agonized over the challenges of getting into college in our current climate.
All this being said, perhaps the most helpful messaging may not be regarding their chances of getting in, but gentle reminders that any outcome is okay, they will be okay, and that there will be a path forward, even if it’s not the one they’d expected or planned for. <3
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For me, I learned with my first son not to bring it up after the applications were submitted. He was really stressed out getting everything turned in and those months of waiting were a rough ride. My music kid has benefited from this although I did nudge him once in awhile to check his email or portal. Last time I did that he went to his portal to find out his decision was there - we never got an email. (it was good news - his first choice)
With my music major early on we talked about acceptance rates of course but also that admission decisions are impacted by factors that have nothing to do with him. Applicant pool and available slots by instrument can weigh heavy into some schools decisions. We discussed Plan A, B and C so ,while he would have been disappointed if he didn’t get his first choice, he had other less competitive options that he was interested in as well. That said, there is no way around it, it’s a tense time. Wishing you and your student the best!
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