Common App- is this essay subject appropriate? (Urgent!)

College Essays
1

<p>I unfortunately had to spend my freshman year in a Dallas suburb i really hated because my mom was in the process of marrying my step dad and he lived there, and i didn't make it into the arts magnet high school i desired due to being out of district (waiting list). Even though i didn't like anyone there (and retained no friends to this day) I still worked hard at my musical craft, showing up for all marching band events i hated, (I was a pit percussionist with a bunch of people who sucked because i never got to audition), learning complicated pieces for solo & ensemble (this was better, as it challenged me) and eventually re auditioning for the magnet school and making it. However, i have a feeling that it may too condescending, as i write about the vast conformity of all the kids there and their stupid name brands and elitist attitudes, I wouldn't want to offend someone affiliated with this sort of thing.. But could it equally be a great tool to showing myself as an individual, and hard worker? This is the most personal and real topic/challenge I could think of. I even started with an intense, metaphoric action sequence (not complete, just a rough draft)</p>

<p>(First sentence will definitely be changed, just had no idea what to put)
I ran, I swam so far away. Every stroke away from their specious establishment ironically brought new energy, the crawling shoreline ahead brought new hope. The islanders were enraged, they shot harpoons, chucked spears, and even waded in after me, their Abercrombie loincloths sloshing beneath them. The hooks of Abercrombie bay could never be removed, so they believed. I was never caught. Finally, I hoisted myself up on that beautiful bay, and hastily threw my arms up and roared the deepest cry of victory to ever leave my lungs. Only the spear's blow to my left thigh could of squelched my cry so abruptly. In pain, I looked down expecting blood, only to see the deflected spear in pieces. I reached in my left pocket and yanked out that wet piece of paper, that golden ticket, that glorious letter from Dr. Isd that allowed me to leave in the first place. I embraced my returning hero, who had saved my life again from these viscous creatures, kissed it, and fled with all my might, spears lining my hurried footprints. Of course, the moving truck would come for my things the next day.
(i will later explain the letter from Dr. Isd as my acceptance later, any other creative ideas of how to express this?)</p>

<p>So, honest opinions, is this essay appropriate?
Prompt is: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
Thanks!</p>

2

<p>Ah… What? The writing is melodramatic and kind of mehhh. I really don’t think you should devote so much space to this metaphor. I like that you’re writing in narrative style, but this metaphor doesn’t deserve anymore than two or three sentences.
If you do keep it, at least take out “ironically.”</p>

3

<p>This is a good piece of writing however, I don’t think it’s suited for a college essay. It’ll work for a novel. Try to be less metaphorical.</p>

4

<p>could HAVE</p>

5

<p>too wordy, I lost you, really.</p>

6

<p>lol sorry, i’ve been working on another forum and pretty much scrapped the original intro. Here’s what i have now.</p>

<pre><code>Every stroke away from the superficial establishment brought new energy, the crawling shoreline ahead brought new hope. Waves crashed from every direction, testing everything I held on to and straining every ounce of might I had. My personality, my pride, and even my happiness were all torn away by this monstrous sea. I finally sprawled onto the sand of that beautiful bay and exhaled the deepest sigh of relief to ever escape my lungs. I reached in my pocket and yanked out that wet piece of paper, my golden ticket, that glorious letter from my very dream school that denied me the year before. I had finally prevailed.
So I didn’t really swim to my new home and life, but I struggled through harsh waters to get there. In the year preceding this event, I could only describe my life as a whirlpool of social misery. To put it simply, I didn’t “fit in” where conformity was the first unspoken rule. Abercrombie and Ed Hardy were a social “currency”, and a lack of either instantly deemed you different. Imagine what they thought of a new, feeble freshman with long, blonde hair and an eccentric personality. I was cast into a completely new city, district, and school for my freshman year, the few transient friends I made were the “weird kids.” but the creeping fact that I was nothing like the thousands of sycophants around me made my discomfort grow to self-reliance, and eventually complete seclusion. This seclusion from the world around me, however, only made my passion burn stronger.
By the second 9 weeks, I was already a marching band zombie, trained to show up promptly at 7 am for my borderline useless part (a gong roll) and eventually sleep became an unnecessary luxury. Drum line rehearsals were after school as well, and the football games every Friday didn’t make things any easier. I doubtlessly spent more time with marching band than doing homework, and possibly even attending school. I hated every bit of it, but I still worked. I’ve never been a quitter.
</code></pre>

<p>still a rough draft, but any ideas thus far?
the overall theme is dedication and pushing through difficult times, and how i learned the reward is great. in a nutshell. trying to find a way to convey this better</p>

7

<p>@dd1993
could HAVE ___?..
What are you referring to?</p>

8

<p>i think that it’s never a good idea to knock a school, or place for that matter. it would be better to focus your essays on the positives that came from going to the magnet school, instead of the negatives that preceded it. for all you know, someone on an admission’s committee could have a kid that went to the school you hated, and loved it. and anyways, positivity > negativity. but this is just my opinion and i could be completely off.</p>

9

<p>You definitely are a great creative writer but I don’t think it would be exactly an “appropriate” subject matter, only because the reader may take it as if you are bashing the people, and that you didn’t get to know them before judging them based upon clothing brands and material things. It may make you seem unwilling to try to get to know people, and judgmental, although you probably are not that type of person.</p>

10

<p>does this seem any better??</p>

<pre><code>So I didn’t really swim to my new home and life, but I struggled through harsh water and winter to get there. In the year preceding this event, I could describe my life as a whirlpool of social misery. To put it simply, I didn’t “fit in” where conformity was the first unspoken rule. Drama was the raison d’etre out there. Abercrombie and Ed Hardy were a social “currency”, the kids all owned Mustangs, and the kids too young for Mustangs had a Mustang background on their iPhone. Not to say that their way of life was “wrong”, but was it for me? Absolutely not. Imagine what they thought of a new, feeble freshman with long, blonde hair, an eccentric personality, and that “different” vibe to him. I was cast out into a completely new city, district, and school for my freshman year, and the few new friends I made were the “weird kids” (just like me!). These relationships didn’t retain much value, I can honestly count the ones I kept on one hand. This seclusion from the game around me, however, eventually paid off.
By the second 9 weeks, I was already a marching band zombie. I was trained to show up promptly at 7 am, move half a ton of percussion equipment across a football field, and all for my borderline useless part (a gong roll that started the second movement). Since I moved to the district right before school started, I got no chance to audition and they sort of “found” an extra spot for me. On top of morning rehearsals, drum line rehearsals were held after school, three times a week, and the football games every Friday didn’t make things any easier. I had one friend, I remember vividly, who actually wanted to get out of marching band as badly as I did. It consumed our entire lives and seemed to have no meaning or payoff. I hated every bit of it, but I still worked. Every performance, every competition, I was there.
</code></pre>

11

<p>really, everyones gonna stop helping right before it’s due and talk when they have nothing to say?!
come on lol</p>

12

<p>Cut out the water metaphor entirely. It’s cliche and confusing. Start at “I didn’t “fit in” where conformity was the first unspoken rule.” It’s declarative, immediately gets to the heart of the topic, shows you’re just going to say what you mean.
And take out all the quotation marks. Imagine you’re talking to someone and they make that annoying as quotation sign all the time. It sounds arrogant.</p>

<p>Also stop talking so much about conformity. We get it, you were an edgy 12 year old. You don’t need to devote so many sentences of looking down on people to get that point across. It deviates from your conclusion anyway.</p>

13

<p>Elaborating on the past post: Focus more on your mind. Show an epiphany that altered your way of thinking and perspective, not a stupid shift in your social group.</p>

<p>Oh, and where I suggested you begin, obviously you’re going to need to slip context in there. I don’t think you’re stupid, just want to be as clear as possible.</p>

14

<p>I think if I were an adcom, I’d be thinking three things: </p>

<p>(1) Just what we want at our college - someone who is miserable unless he is like the thousands of other people around him.</p>

<p>(2) Wow, this kid is negative!</p>

<p>(3) Great . . . another essay from someone who thinks he doesn’t fit in. In other words, a teenage angst essay just like zillions of others I’ve read today.</p>

<p>My daughter had a similar experience, but it lasted two years. I was pretty rough on her, because I refused to believe that she couldn’t find good friends and fun activities in a school of 1200 people. The truth was, she was being petulant and resentful that we had moved, and she wasn’t really putting herself out there. Colleges want someone who makes the best of a bad situation - not someone who gets sullen and morose.</p>