<p>We bought a cheap used car that SD and D1 share. SD will have sole use of that (if it’s still running) when D1 goes off to wherever she ends up. I realize that SD may need more than 2 years to fulfill her transfer requirements, or that she may never fulfill them and settle on another path. It is going to be up to her. However, we’ve made it clear to SD already that if she plans to live in our house, she has to carry a full load - that could mean full-time school, full-time work, or a combination of part-time school and part-time work. But she is not going to be allowed freeload and do nothing while she “finds herself.”</p>
<p>We bought a cheap used car that SD and D1 share. SD will have sole use of that (if it’s still running) when D1 goes off to wherever she ends</p>
<p>Sounds like if it’s not still running, you’ll have to provide another car. </p>
<p>If StepD isn’t someone who really likes school, then maybe encourage her to find a two-year program career that she likes. The CCs in southern Calif have beauty schools and training for other 2 year programs. Perhaps the northern ones do, too. </p>
<p>Since she has a good work-ethic with her job, maybe some kind of business program that would make her attractive for promotions. It sounds like she’s artistic, but as we all know, those careers often do not earn enough. If she enjoys cooking, then maybe a culinary career which could include her artistry talents with culinary talents. </p>
<p>You’re a professional and may only be familiar with 4 year programs, but there are many 2 year programs that also lead to a career.</p>
<p>I hope that you’re hearing the subtle message that a few posters have included about D1 vs SD. SD has essentially been abandoned by her own father, at likely a critical time in her life. She sees that you are super proud of D1. That’s gotta hurt a bit since they’re both the same age. There’s a saying here on CC, “Love the kid on the couch.” You’re complimentary about SD’s work ethic. Super. She probably wants you to be proud of her.</p>
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<p>One could argue that a lot of kids who attend four-year colleges are also “finding themselves.” I agree with M2CK that it is really important to make sure the messages SD is hearing are as positive as those D1 is. Not everyone develops at the same rate and we all take different paths to where we end up in work and life. The blended-family thing is SO hard, especially with teens and especially when there is a perception that one’s own kids are somehow superior to the spouse’s.</p>
<p>I do not think that a step parent has the same responsibility toward a step child that a parent has to a parent. The StepParent can CHOOSE to take on more. IMHO, it is up to MOM to see that her DD gets the right message.</p>
<p>I not only think the stepparent has the same responsibility, to some extent, as adults, we ALL have a responsibility to the young people in our lives.</p>
<p>“it takes a village.”</p>
<p>carry on.</p>
<p>Poet, even if you think we all have some responsibility, I would assume you think the degree of responsibility varies by the relationship, right? Certainly I do not owe the same to my neighbor’s kid that I owe to my own, right? I do not think assumptions can be made with respect to step/family relationships, but I do think to assume that the stepparent owes the same to stepkids as a bioparent would is not always correct. Of course, stepparent should not be mean to step kid, but I think bioparents owe more.</p>
<p>I dont like “step”, " bio", “adopted” added before " child".
We have too many parents who remarry to a spouse with an existing family and instead of acknowledging that they are now parents to their spouses kids, they advocate for their original kids more.
If you cant handle the responsibilities of marrying someone with children, dont get married.</p>
<p>SD does have some abandonment issues due to bio dad being a complete f-up and out of her life. Also, not easy being in the same school and grade as D1, the star student. Younger D2 and D3 have similar issues following in D1’s footsteps. (“Oh, so you’re D1’s little sister!”). I have always tried to encourage SD as much as possible and laud her achievements. She is/was a very good artist and athlete (D1 is not artistic or athletic) and she could have played any number of HS sports. I always encouraged her to try out, but she was never motivated to do so. I’m the only dad she knows and I do my best, letting her mom take the lead. But there is only so much I can do. She’s 17 and nearly an adult. She’s got to make her own choices and future.</p>
<p>Doesn’t take a damn thing to tell a kid you’re proud of them for working hard in the areas where they are working hard.</p>
<p>Free as air and makes all the difference.</p>
<p>Good for you Dad.</p>
<p>Also, don’t be too worried. Not every kid takes the same path.</p>
<p>*I do not think that a step parent has the same responsibility toward a step child that a parent has to a parent. The StepParent can CHOOSE to take on more. IMHO, it is up to MOM to see that her DD gets the right message.
*</p>
<p>I come from a very large extended family that has members that have come in thru marriage, adoption, birth, and fostering. We don’t differentiate. People are people. Family is family. Once you’re in, you’re in. The last thing anyone needs to feel is that s/he isn’t a “full member” of the family that they’re now in.</p>
<p>*SD does have some abandonment issues due to bio dad being a complete f-up and out of her life. Also, not easy being in the same school and grade as D1, the star student. Younger D2 and D3 have similar issues following in D1’s footsteps. (“Oh, so you’re D1’s little sister!”). I have always tried to encourage SD as much as possible and laud her achievements. She is/was a very good artist and athlete (D1 is not artistic or athletic) and she could have played any number of HS sports.</p>
<p>I always encouraged her to try out, but she was never motivated to do so. I’m the only dad she knows and I do my best, letting her mom take the lead. But there is only so much I can do. She’s 17 and nearly an adult. She’s got to make her own choices and future.*</p>
<p>Good for you. Every positive and genuine “warm fuzzy” you give her will be meaningful. :)</p>
<p>Yes, it can be hard for the younger D’s and stepD to follow in a star’s footsteps. I can remember how S2 used to complain about that same issue (my kids went to small private K-12 schools, so S2 constantly heard, “oh, you’re XXXXX’s younger brother.” Ugh. lol But, as you know, as long as each child’s talents are respected and encouraged, each can emerge with a positive self-esteem and be successful. Kids are funny. Each has talents that you wish the other(s) had. Don’t we all wish we could combine their gifts and create the perfect child? lol ;)</p>
<p>You might encourage StepD to get involved with any intramural sports that her CC may offer. (I don’t know if CCs have intramurals, but if they do, that might be fun for her.)</p>
<p>Just a thought…have you gone with StepD to the CC to tour and explore what it offers? If not, you might do so. I would think that that gesture would be meaningful for her. As an adult, you’re probably more likely to really explore what the school offers.</p>
<p>The Dad had mentioned the mom took SD (special daughter) to some CSUs hoping to inspire her. As the mom to some athletic children it took a ton of my sweat equity, time and practice to participate and try out at the high school level. Many of the HS sports require outside prep for YEARS before a student would be successful trying out. Or even have the courage to tryout.</p>
<p>And at times it can be more difficult for girls at that age to be seen as a jock. But like you said she is 17 and some things cannot be undone. I do understand competition between siblings as mine are very close in age and are ultra competitive. And even when they are not outwardly showing it, they do notice the accomplishment of their sibs. And the praise that is garnered. It is what it is.</p>
<p>You do love who they are but sometimes it takes more concrete actions to show them and it doesn’t have to do anything with money. I will state again the greastest gift you can give them is time. As in YOUR TIME. And listening doesn’t always require a response or an action plan.</p>
<p>Add all that stuff to the grandparent stuff and YUCK!</p>
<p>Kat
PS
Was thinking last night about this thread and how it brought up the family dynamics…wasn’t thinking so much about the colleges but about helping each of your kiddos. As a single mom of 5, I was always stretched pretty thin, however I realized I approached their needs from a different angle. The ones who needed me the most, received the most. The ones who were/are blessed with certain gifts were expected to help the others who were lacking. </p>
<p>What my kiddos heard every day was “to whom much has been given much is expected”. So if one was struggling the others were their to help. Whether it was socially, academically, athletically…they were there for each other. Competitive, yes…but had their backs no matter what. Still that way today.</p>
<p>since when are Grinnell, Macalaster, Carleton, Kenyon “less selective”?</p>
<p>I did not catch the reference to Grinnell, Mac, Carleton, Kenyon being “less selective”, but, yes, they are compared to those schools that are more selective than they are , just by definition alone. But getting significant merit at any of those schools is very difficult.</p>
<p>*Poet, even if you think we all have some responsibility, I would assume you think the degree of responsibility varies by the relationship, right? Certainly I do not owe the same to my neighbor’s kid that I owe to my own, right? I do not think assumptions can be made with respect to step/family relationships, but I do think to assume that the stepparent owes the same to stepkids as a bioparent would is not always correct. Of course, stepparent should not be mean to step kid, but I think bioparents owe more.
*</p>
<p>a neighbor’s child is not part of your family, and isn’t living under your roof. I never quite understood the “hands off” attitude that some have towards stepkids. When any child is living under your roof, then you have a parent role. </p>
<p>I find it odd that some of the same people that understand that a teacher has to act “like a parent” when students are around (advising, correcting, teaching, disciplining, etc), but some think that step-parents have little to no role. I also think it’s wrong for the bio-parent to shutdown the good efforts of a step-parent. (Obviously any bad efforts by bio or step parents are not the issue here).</p>
<p>Families come in all sorts of sizes and dynamics. I couldn’t disagree with kayf more. When you marry you inherit your husband, significant other, the kids, the in-laws…whatever that family encompasses and putting a kid through college is all about the family support - financial and emotional. Many of the dysfunctional families we’ve encountered among our social group are the “my kids, your kids” families. The most successful families we’ve encountered seem to put aside the whose DNA is this one and whose DNA is that one and manage to blend and raise all the kids. We’ve been as amazed at the people who got it wrong as we’ve been amazed at the people who got it right.</p>
<p>I don’t think I would ever suggest that a teacher should act as a parent, and I think painting all stepfamily relationships with a broad brush is wrong. The age a child comes into a family can make a difference, as can contributions by both parents.</p>
<p>I think that MOM should do more for the SD in the family. According to OP she earns 1/20th of what he does, or approximately $10,000. I realize that as OP says she thought she was marrying a wealthy attorney, but if he hasn’t done so already, he needs to explain the facts of life to her. I do not know how recent this marriage is (maybe I missed it in 10 pages of notes), but I think that someone who married, knowing it would cut her DD off of a lot of aid, needs to work more hours.</p>
<p>^^</p>
<p>I agree that the SD lost all sorts of aid after her mom married (Cal Grants and Pell), but certainly, the lifestyle she’s had during her high school years has been much nicer than what her low income mom was affording. </p>
<p>I do think the mom should work more, unless her working part-time allows her H to work more hours. That is often the case. The dad’s hourly rate is probably 30+ times the mom’s rate. So, if the mom worked full time meant the dad had to work less, then that wouldn’t be a wise decision.</p>
<p>This happens often in families where the higher wage earner has some control over the number of hours he/she works. Work a couple more hours at a much higher rate and it’s equal to full time work for a spouse. it’s better to have one spouse away working for 50 hours and one spouse away for 10 hours, then working for 40 each if the first option yields more/similar amounts.</p>
<p>Per Mom2, there are no young kids here. Per the various postings, they seem all HS age, or close. Many people manage more than 10K per year with kids in HS. I just don’t think it is fair for people to suggest that the D1 should work (even though she is in school), or other solutions before expecting the mother in this saga to work harder.</p>
<p>^^</p>
<p>Wait a minute. We have NO IDEA how hard this mom is already working. Dad likely works for many more hours than a 40 hour work week. He may not be available to help out at all with home responsibilities, as other H’s would be expected to do when their wives work. Working part-time plus taking care of a household of 6 people is already working “full time.”</p>