Hi, all. I am a freshman at a university about 3 hours from my home. Back in my senior year I received a scholarship into a business honors program that pays my full tuition, gives me a study abroad stipend, and allows lots of networking. The program only accepts around 20 people for each class. Even though I didn’t really like the school to start with and my dad told me not to go just because of the money, I chose it anyway. I knew I would struggle for most of the first semester due to my anxiety disorder. I got into the counseling center as soon as possible and have been going ever since. I am now half way through my second semester (I’ll finish out the year at least) and am still feeling like I don’t quite fit in.
At the end of first semester I felt pretty good about being at my university. However, after spending three weeks off for break I began to realize just how little I feel I fit in. I’ve joined four organizations and spend much of time volunteering. I’ve made plenty of friends and already have a roommate plan for next year. However, my days still mostly consist of me being happy some of the time and miserable the other half. There are times when I love my college and think I can spend the next four years here and others when I feel like I want to leave as fast as I can.
While I’ve made many friends here, I feel like few of the relationships are a real connection or genuine. Even when I try to be happy while spending time with friends or really doing things I love, I still feel unhappy most of the time. There are things I love about my college like the rec center, the organizations I’m part of, and the opportunity that the honors program I’m in gives me. More than anything, I’d hate leaving the volunteer organization I’m in.
I’ve begun to dread going home though or leaving the university because it’s so hard for me to come back. The last few times I’ve gone home (break and another weekend), the hour before I have to leave usually consists of me crying about having to go back. Even when I leave for social trips off campus, I dread the end of them since I have to go back. this was not a feeling I had first semester as first semester I was more upset about leaving home rather than going back to my university.
I’ve already sent out a couple of transfer applications to universities close to my home that I could commute to. One of my biggest issues with college is that I feel like I lose freedom when I’m there (something that would be true no matter where I went to college). I regret choosing my university just for the money; however, I also worry that I will regret leaving and miss out on a lot of opportunity here because of the business honors program. My biggest fear is failing and that’s what I feel like I’ll be doing if I leave. I also don’t want to make the wrong decision.
My parents say they’ll support me whichever way I choose to go. I’ve been getting some mixed messages though as my dad says things like, “I think you’ll be making a mistake if you leave” or “you’re going to regret transferring ten years down the road”. My mom also gets really frustrated a lot of the time when I talk about how unhappy I am or when I talk about transferring. She says it’s because she can’t help me and she wishes she could.
I’m not sure what I want to major in anymore, either. If I leave the business majors then I’ll have to leave the honors program. So basically, I’m wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience and, if so, what did you do? Are these even good enough reasons to transfer? I’m at a complete loss on what to do and am looking for some advice and help.