Could you please give me feedback on this IIT admission essay?

College Essays
1

<p>So, this is an essay answering one of the questions on the application supplement (I am applying as an international transfer) . Now, I honestly don't feel confident about this essay at all to say the least. I am not particularly sure of where I am going wrong. Feedback and opinions would be highly appreciated. </p>

<p>Prompt:As a transfer student to Illinois Institute of Technology, tell us how you think IIT will prepare you to be a positive contributor to the world. This is your opportunity to share your goals and how you see IIT helping you achieve them.</p>

<p>Response:
Shortly after my long search for a university that I think would really help me achieve my goals, it was fairly simple for me to realize what a great school IIT is, for it is a well recognized school that is committed to academic excellence, which is great. But college isn't just about the dream jobs or the dream salary you could get after graduating from a fancy school, which I think IIT is, by the way. Don't get me wrong, I have a dream too as far as jobs and salaries go, and will work my hardest to achieve it, but I look forward more than anything to enhancing myself as a person by being in IIT.
The fact that this institution welcomes a high percentage of international students every year is thrilling, because it means one gets to learn about different cultures and meet new people without feeling like the only person doing so! It really helps you get integrated into the community.
I was really glad to see the clear emphasis that IIT places on the importance of specialization, because I value that too. It really parallels with being a positive contributor to the world, because specialization allows you to go to places where fewer people have been, and where it takes more than just hard work or a simple desire to succeed. But on your journey to success in such an environment equipped with all the tools you need to meet your goals, you become a better and stronger person. And one day, if you're very lucky, you could not only excel at what you do, but do something that no one else ever did. Hopefully Something brilliant.</p>

2

<p>Just my two cents, but I feel that some parts of the essay don’t flow or could be stated in a more concise manner. Maybe

  • eliminate “I think” from the first sentence - doesn’t seem very necessary
  • maybe reword “which I think is great” and mention why you think academic excellence is significant
  • change “which I think IIT is, by the way” to “such as IIT”
  • change “could not only” to “can not only” & “something that no one else ever did” to “something that no one else has ever done”
  • add “also” before “do something that” </p>

<p>just a couple of suggestions, hope this helps!</p>

3

<p>That’s very nice of you. Thank you very much.</p>