Critiques wanted for these common app essays posted on Business Insider

College Essays
1

Hi,

I’ve been reading through several essays posted online by students that were accepted into top schools around the nation to see what successful common app essays look like. I am a high school senior and I’m trying to finish a well-written draft of the main common app essay before school starts mid-august.

I want to write an essay that writes up on sports but from a different angle (not the cliche of winning state championships). Of the several that I’ve read, there are two that slightly follow the format of the essay that I want to write for mine:
#1 https://www.businessinsider.com/essay-got-high-school-senior-into-harvard-2017-5
#2 https://www.businessinsider.com/admissions-essay-all-ivy-league-schools-2017-4

Their essays are posted with their admission results, but obviously, the main essay isn’t necessarily worth 90% in the admission process; there are so many factors involved in the hollistic admission process. Because of that, I’m wondering if these essays are actually really good and if the essay was one of the key factors that got these students into these schools.

It would be great if some of you can read the essays and write critiques of the essays as if they were your son/daughter/student/friend. I’ll be waiting for your responses! :^)

2

Neither one of these essays is about sports. One is about a love for math and music which is a topic admissions people see far too often, so this kid takes the approach of throwing a football anecdote in as well and it kind of works, largely because he is a good writer.
The other uses running as a platform to reveal and connect a series of random attributes about the applicant. Does a nice job creating a story/journey and nicely written.

3

https://amp-businessinsider-com.cdn.ampproject.org/v/s/amp.businessinsider.com/high-school-senior-who-got-into-5-ivy-league-schools-shares-her-admissions-essay-2016-4?amp_js_v=a2&amp_gsa=1&usqp=mq331AQECAFQAg%3D%3D#referrer=https://www.google.com&amp_tf=From%20%251%24s

This is my personal favorite essay… I think she took a chance here but seemed to work well. I also doubt she speaks this way but very well done.

4

Sorry abou this. Said it before, I don’t like the Costco essay. Two years old, chubby legs, hot dog, et al, are not relevant. Cute, not what a Stanford needs to know about this kid for their class. And she doesn’t get to her present day point til a line or two in the second to last paragraph- where she tell us she’s curious. Tells. Imagine the chat, lol: “Well, she was curious as a toddler.” Give me curious as a hs senior. Not tubs of ice cream and “all beef goodness.”

I suspected from the start this was an essay that did not keep her out of contention. Not an essay that won her a spot. I said before, there had to be a LOT more in the rest of her app that pulled her into the class.

Sorry. But other kids should be cautious and think about the purpose.

5

Totally agree AND as I said she took a chance on it. I think if it’s the first time it was done OK but how many copy cat versions since. Essay’s should be about the student so the adcom gets to know who you are and make it unique and interesting to you. Explain how this translates to the college community

6

Thank you all! Yes, that was the reason why I wanted to hear feedback on the two essays I linked @lookingforward @knowsstuff ; all the essays posted are great, but sometimes I’ve doubted their effectiveness. Good thing to know that other people have felt the same way towards the released college essays.

7

I actually enjoyed reading the costco one over the other two, it kind of hooked me in at the beginning and kept me going, which is important for adcoms, as lot of them check out early on, so I can see why the essay may have helped a lot. Math and music as someone posted is a pretty common essay topic, and the other one was good but not sure how unique it was, encountering a black homeless person is also common. Being from North Dakota and urm may also have helped along with the essay.

8

I agree with @lookingforward and @knowsstuff: The Cosco essay is not what got the writer into 5 Ivies and Stanford. It just didn’t hurt her.

Agree too with @theloniusmonk. The Latinx references seemed both superficial and heavy-handed. (Perhaps calculated & not instrinsic?)

FWIW, to me the essay strikes as an unreflective gluttony of consumerist references: How I wish it had been ironic, and pitched higher!

Unfortunately, admissions readers may not be connoisseurs of great writing. They’re just human beings with subjective taste, and you know there’s no accounting for taste.

Speaking of which, there’s a social psychology study somewhere that proves food imagery tends to appeal to most people: It’s pretty basic that we think first with our guts, like any other animal.

9

^ And that we imprint a message more successfully when it’s phrased in the positive, rather than negative.

Rather than blame readers, though, I’d point out most kids are used to a more formulaic style their high schools emphasize. The admissions essay isn’t meant to be “great writing” your English teacher would love. Rather, a different sort of informative. These essays all focus on describing place (and action) and miss the right touch of reflective, as you note. Too polished.

10

I actually think the ‘passive racism’ comment in the essay serves him well. It made him seem brutally honest and acknowledged his faults vs trying to be a perfect, unblemished applicant. I think admissions would appreciate that kind of self assessment.

11

The Costco girl is hispanic. The essay is awful. “jettisoned my churro”

12

In what world does passive racism match what a tippy top wants? Seriously, he never shows how he supposedly spent the summer working on this. We’re supposed to just accept that he did? No mention, eg, of work in his community? Just me, my run, my self.

A lot of sheltered kids are brutally honest and it doesn’t serve them one bit. More is expected.

Maybe the missing is in the rest of his app. We don’t know. But just dropping a naive comment in isnt good.

13

I didn’t say colleges are looking for kids that are ‘passive racists’ What I said is that his honesty, his self assessment and his willingness to present himself as far from perfect would be appreciated.

14

Ok but these schools rejected a lot of people that are not passive racist and don’t immediately stereotype, here’s the thing if you want brutal honesty - about 20 to 30 kids from North Dakota apply to the ivies and similar colleges, he was the best of the bunch. Occam’s razor applies here.

15

@theloniusmonk good point

16

Honesty still needs to be appropriate.

There are a fair number of kids, eg, who admit they’re afraid to leave home. Different? Yes. Desirable? No. Same for kids who can’t wait to get out because they hate everything and everyone at home. Brutally honest? Sure. Smart? No.

17

Sigh. lookingforward, I never like to have words put in my mouth. Nor do I like having attitudes assigned to me that I have not stated here, somehow provably.

My point was that even admissions readers have subjective preferences. The word “blame” doesn’t enter. It is beside the point.

I did not “blame” admissions readers for anything.

Some admit readers are no doubt perceptive to the nth degree & very sophisticated, others perhaps not so much.

I base that belief on my experience visiting schools: Some admissions departments gleam like new trains and run just as efficiently, brilliantly. I could list all six so far, because they were persuasive, reassuring, and memorable. (Some were Ivies, some were not.)

Versus other admissions presentations (some Ivies, some not) I’ve seen that put forward a glaring personality disorder, or a boring, sloppy, or superficial presentation. I have witnessed too, the difficult-to-bear arrogance of “stolen valor” that at least one admission’s head displayed, which was based on the school’s reputation, but on nothing he embodied or demonstrated.

I want the real thing from admissions, because selecting a school is an important decision.

If I were reading essays for college acceptances I would look for depth and originality.

–We doubt, don’t we?, that the Cosco applicant got into 5 Ivies & Stanford on the basis of that particular essay. (The article’s headline is deceptive.)

On that @center and I agree, as does the OP, and so do others.

I only read the Cosco, and only commented on that, at the OP’s invitation.

18

I would love to be able to see/read/critique the essays written by white and Asian kids from NY, MA, CA who got into all the top schools; does anyone know if that is available anywhere?

19

It was a simple, casual use of blame, as in “I wouldn’t hold them solely accountable.” I wouldn’t. They aren’t reading for great writing, as an English teacher or editor might. Rather, looking for the attributes or qualities they want in the students they want in the class.

Lots of topics can offer the opportunity to show well. It doesn’t matter as much if a topic is unique or probing, as that the individual applicant provides some relevant insight into himself. I would’ve liked those 3 samples to “show, not just tell.”

But if the word choice offended, of course, my apologies.

20

Absolutely incredible essays. Easy to understand why these three students were admitted to the ultra selective universities to which each applied.

My only criticism, and it is slight, is that it is apparent that these essays were written & rewritten multiple times. Not my style as I prefer a more fluid quality in any writing. But trying too hard is not a fatal flaw in an admissions essay.

All had the common elements of seeing more & experiencing more & wanting to know and understand more.

In my opinion, these three essays all had a significant impact on the admissions decisions rendered.