<p>My daughter applied to Alabama as a long-shot back-up, last on her list, and because I told her it may be a chance to go to school out of state (we live in Virginia, yet she does not want to attend some of the well known universities here, as she would like to experience something different). I also had her apply to other schools where I felt she could get some decent merit aid, and she has been accepted (with scholarships) at a variety of schools (Gonzaga, Clemson, Miami of Ohio, as well as back up VCU and George Mason and Montana/Davidson Honors College) and therefore she has many great options…that being said, she has also been accepted at her number one choice, UNC-Chapel Hill. Her father (ex-husband) had told her he would pay, and has told her this for well over a year…I was supportive of her applying to chapel hill, as it is her dream school, yet always told her that it was out of her stepfather’s and my price range and, if accepted, her ability to attend would be up to her father. She felt comfortable applying due to her father’s continued and long term assurances that he would pay and his “push” for her to apply (he graduated from UNC)…plus, he is in a financial position whereby paying would be no issue for him at all, so her reliance on his word is understandable. Now that she’s accepted and on cloud nine, and not surprising to me, not only is he telling me he won’t pay for UNC, but he does not want to pay anything for any college. Thankfully, she does have the “won’t consider it but I will apply just to in case…” schools, which are great opportunities and come with scholarships. She has always had a strong second choice (Montana/honors college) which is the most affordable out of state option, including travel costs, that she has visited and is very happy with the “personality” of the school, as well as the honors college and it comes with a scholarship to make it somewhat affordable, yet Alabama is the next most affordable out of state option (and “doable”). She also has, in Virginia, VCU and George Mason, which are the least expensive schools for her to attend. I feel she should visit Alabama, as I hear such good things about it, even from those who may have initially felt otherwise about the school. At this time, while the “final verdict” is still out on her father making UNC a reality or not, I have told her we need to open our minds to the other schools and make a concerted effort to solidify the rankings of them. With Alabama one of the more affordable options, about $7,000 a year less than the next affordable options (Clemson and Miami of Ohio), I feel like I should “make” her visit so as to, at a minimum, validate her second choice and, potentially, open her eyes to what might be a “fit” for her. It’s hard for her, now knowing UNC might not be her reality, to really think of any other school yet time is short and decisions have to be made. She is a liberal arts major, yet not “set” on anything, but has a love of histories and english yet shines in the maths and sciences (AP stats, AP bio, etc…and doing super well). She is very social, yet does not party much, and loves sports. She thinks Alabama is too much of a party school, too big, and would not be a challenge. If I take her to visit, any suggestions on helping someone go with open eyes and an open mind? </p>
<p>Not that you asked for this bit of advice, but you need to make it clear to your daughter now that UNC is not an option. Even if her father would relent and pay for year #1, there is no way she should start there as there is no guarantee the dad will continue to pay You do not want to let her start and then have to pull her out due to finances, and starting at UNC means she forfeits any incoming freshman merit awards at other schools.</p>
<p>What are your D’s stats? Is she eligible for the honors college? Does she have hobbies or interests outside of academics?</p>
<p>Truly, there is no better school than UA for a student who loves sports.</p>
<p>. </p>
<p>Yes, I would have her visit. Our son did not want to visit and would not even consider Alabama. He is a National Merit Finalist and felt the school would not be challenging, too much of a party school… same reasons as your daughter. We forced him to visit, basically I purchased two tickets and told him to clear his schedule, he was not given an option to refuse. I told him we would cross Alabama off our list if he did not like the school, but he had to at least give it a chance. We had a private tour and a visit with Dean Sharpe, which opened his eyes to the university. The Dean explained, that in the Honors college, he would attend classes with students similar to him, with high GPA’s,high ACT scores and AP credits They would be taught by top flight faculty instructors. The campus was beautiful and the dorms amazing. Let’s not forget the football stadium, which is bigger and more exciting than our home town Soldier Field-Chicago. Fast forward to today-son is a sophomore, with a high GPA, plans to graduate with a double major, and a minor. He is involved in a fraternity (which he said he would never do), is involved in research, shadowing in a medical clinic, volunteers when his schedule allows. Our son aspires to attend medical or dental school, there are plenty of students like him on campus. He takes academically challenging courses. Attending Alabama allows him to graduate debt free. The school is what you make of it, if you want to party, then that’s what you’ll do-at Alabama or any other school. If you want to be a serious student with a bright academic future, and enjoy yourself along the way Alabama should be on your radar screen.</p>
<p>What a cruel disappointment for your daughter! I’m so sorry! Guess this is an opportunity for you to model how to deal with disappointment. I have to ditto everything bamabound7 says. You could offer a trip to the beach with a stop-off in Tuscaloosa! Book tours and a visit with the Honors College folks, then step back and let UA speak for itself. Best of everything to you and your daughter!</p>
<p>I’m assuming that her application met the deadline for UA scholarships? </p>
<p>Ditto what C2M said: you will save yourself a lot of heartache and stress to spell out the financials upfront and take off the table those colleges which are no longer options. </p>
<p>UA will hit all the <like> buttons that she wants to push, but she has to visit to see that. Arrange your visit through the Honors College (see other posts + M2KC will chime in and give you all the deets). Try to see all of the same things you have seen on other campuses (esp UNC), so she is comparing apples to apples - that way she will be able to do a fair comparison with something that she already had her heart set on. UA will not disappoint. Also include, however, any number of things that are relevant to her interests - if you tell the HC at UA her interests, they will put together an itinerary tailored to her. Don’t be afraid to ask to see things not normally on a ‘regular’ tour. If you want to see something unusual, go for it! Do not visit solely on a weekend - make sure school is in session and you ask to sit in on a class or two. Talk with actual students about their experiences at UA. Time is of the essence: spring break for UA starts Fri 3/21. </like></p>
<p>my sympathy for the broken promises of the dad. if she has visited all the other schools, you could advise her to visit this one just to have the complete view of all of them. then let UA sell itself (which it sounds like it can-- i haven’t been there actually).</p>
<p>Class2012mom, thanks for the reply. I have told my daughter that UNC is not likely, yet the final word is not “in” and so we have to plan for an alternative in the likely event, at the end of the day, that a UNC contract is not signed (it won’t be signed by me, and she knew that all along). It’s just sad for her. I had also told my daughter just what you suggested re: the unreliability longer term - she first heard this more than a year ago; presented with the summary of the various schools, scholarship potentials, total projected cost per year and over four years, and noted that IF her dad came through as he said he would (and which would be no financial problem for him to, and his children know that, and he leads them to believe he will pay)…so anything from him would need to be in writing (a contract) as, if he did not come through the second year, she would “lose” her freshman scholarships and be in a financial position at the of the local university or community college and then have to transfer yet again…I also advised her that it would be a lot harder to begin a school she loved only to have to leave, and that, even if she could take on enough debt to cover the cost, it would not be wise especially as she is not certain of her long term goals (liberal arts) and will likely have graduate school costs in the future. She has had such a variety of options and related costs presented to her, beginning with a 2 year community college and transferring to a 4 year school (UVA) guaranteed admission up to UNC Chapel Hill out of state, and everything in between (thank goodness I was mean enough to make her apply to some of the options, and by December 1, so that with scholarships she has the options); it’s just overwhelming to think about, especially when I am still fighting her fight for what she hoped and counted on. I did (after speaking with the school directly) send in a rooming deposit on her second choice so as to secure the dorm she wanted, and she was aware of that and involved in the decision…even though the UNC balloon had not yet been popped). I think the hardest part of this is that she was put on a cloud by someone she wanted to count on only to now find out that what she likely knew all along has been validated and that may be harder to swallow than UNC not being an option. Oddly, through all of this, her dream at UNC is not big enough for her to approach her dad herself (who visited UNC with her in the past couple of weeks), and her stepfather and I have beaten fought for her more than enough…it’s time for her to open her eyes and make an informed decision in spite of all the frustration and heartache (as well as tons of schoolwork and impending graduation). I am just hoping for a way to have her visit Alabama with a new pair of glasses to look through…I wonder if an individual at UA, one on one, could tour the campus with her (other than me, the realist and bearer of not so happy news), and, if so, how to find the “right” person to present the school and it’s options to her? We also have limited time to visit and make a decision, and Clemson and Miami U are potentially viable options, yet with her interests, I am thinking UA may offer more flexibility, in the long run…</p>
<p>UA’s Honors College has student ambassadors specifically for this purpose (as do other colleges/depts at UA), and they are wonderful. They will have lunch with the student, take them around (briefly, because they have classes themselves), and answer any questions student-to-student. Tell us specifically, if you can, about her specific interests - we can point you in the right direction, the more we know. PM any of us if you don’t want to share too many details in a public forum. Each of the UA CC’ers has a kind of ‘specialty’, so to speak.</p>
<p>Since these merit scholarships depend on her enrolling as a freshman, she really has no other choice than to start this year, not attend a CC and transfer, or transfer as none of the out of state options will be affordable.
The problem is dad’s promise to pay for UNC, and without a realiable promise, UNC is not an option. He’s established himself to be unreliable- as even if he says yes, he could always change his mind again and knowing this, UNC is off the table.
She has to choose from her remaining schools.
May is coming soon, so my suggestion would be to sign up for one of the accepted honors students day or a similar tour so you have the date set and make the arrangements with aeromom as suggested to personalize the visit for her. I don’t know the specifics for Alabama, but the more you can show her about how it fits her the better- including going to a class with a student and even a sleep over in the dorms if they arrange that. If she has a specific club or religious interest, go see what is going on on campus when you are there.
Now consider her reaction to having her dream school taken away. Sure, UNC is good, but much of what she actually knows about it is a dream, or some idea built up by her dad. It may even be some wish for her to get his approval, especially from the divorce or a desire to please him by fulfilling his dream of her attending ( although he pulled that rug out under her feet). At any rate, it is natural for her to be sad, angry, and disappointed about it.
Tell her that you are sorry that UNC is no longer a choice, and that you have a date set for Alabama so she can at least see it before she decides. Then let her react to her loss and grieve over it. Try to make the trip fun- maybe explore the area, maybe do some shopping or something she likes like a movie or favorite restaurant- not a bribe but just to make it less punitive. Hopefully when she gets a chance to think about it, she will come around to the idea.</p>
<p>What kind of dad does something like this to his own daughter? Does he enjoy being cruel? I know there are a lot of jerks in this world, but what could his motivation possibly be? </p>
<p><<<
Since these merit scholarships depend on her enrolling as a freshman, she really has no other choice than to start this year, not attend a CC and transfer, or transfer as none of the out of state options will be affordable.</p>
<p>The problem is dad’s promise to pay for UNC, and without a realiable promise, UNC is not an option. He’s established himself to be unreliable- as even if he says yes, he could always change his mind again and knowing this, UNC is off the table.
<<<</p>
<p>The above is so true. She won’t get merit as a transfer and dad could always change his mind at some future point, and then what? Yikes.</p>
<p>I would tell her that she is going to visit and that’s final. Seriously. I wouldn’t make it optional. </p>
<p>You didn’t ask this, but I’m going to offer this anyway… I don’t know you or your D. However, I do know that sometimes kids get stubborn about stuff when they feel that there have been things in their lives that have been too much out of their control. So, they dig their heels in when they think they can as kind of an effort to have “some control.” That may be going on here. Your D may be thinking, “if my parents were still together, I would be going where I want.” or something to that effect. Again, I don’t know your D, so I certainly do not know. I apologize if that is way off base.</p>
<p>Your D may also be hoping that her dad will come thru since he led her down the Chapel Hill path. </p>
<p>Anyway…you can always “sweeten the pot” in some way as a compromise…“you visit Bama and I’ll buy you that (fill in the blank) that you wanted.” or something like that. </p>
<p><<<
What kind of dad does something like this to his own daughter? Does he enjoy being cruel? I know there are a lot of jerks in this world, but what could his motivation possibly be?
<<<</p>
<p>This sort of thing isn’t unusual and usually isn’t because of cruelty. Many NCP’s never want to say “no” to their kids because they already feel like the “odd parent out.” So, they’ll say “yes” to anything TO THE CHILD, but when carrying-out the “yes” isn’t possible, they’ll relay the message thru the CP…which seems to be the case here.</p>
<p>Encourage her to visit. I can only share that our family has been on a roller coaster over college decisions, also. Our ds has been accepted at really great schools, but even with the merit offers from other schools, we simply can’t afford the differential. Ds has been to UA 3 times now. The last time he was there for the CBHP finalist weekend. He came home beaming for ear to ear. The first couple of times he met the dean of the physics dept (an absolutely wonderful man that took time to address all of ds’s questions and concerns). The 2nd was to attend an event. While he liked the campus and everything he heard (he even sat in on classes…another suggestion I would make to your dd), part of him was concerned about whether or not he would be able to find a real peer group like he would on some of the other campuses.</p>
<p>After meeting the kids at CBHP, he no longer has those concerns. He was really impressed by the students he met and said they are definitely high achieving, goal oriented, love to learn students. He now firmly believes he can be very happy at UA.</p>
<p>Fwiw, ds has found out about a lot of activities and clubs that are in his interests. He is not much of a sports fanatic and not a partier either. But, he loves having a good time. He found out about the ballroom dancing club which sound wonderful and a few others (can’t remember what it was he told me about) but it appears like there are clubs to really meet most students’ interests.</p>
<p>Good luck. </p>
<p>My D was in a similar situation. High stats kid who saw herself at a small, private LAC basking in all academia had to offer. We basically strong armed her into applying to UA because of the wonderful merit opportunities. We followed this up with an HC visit. My D and W were all but certain they would not like UA. We had already visited Duke, UNC-CH, Elon, W&L, Davidson, Richmond, UVA, Hopkins, G’town, Rollins, Furman and a few I’m sure I’m forgetting. Anyway, the HC visit and the campus we’re so overwhelmingly impressive that it basically changed my D’s focus. She saw firsthand how a large state flagship could offer almost unlimited opportunities. She could transfer so many AP classes that double majoring would be simple. She could study abroad without worrying about graduating in 4 years. And on and on.</p>
<p>If you think talking with my D would be helpful, PM me.</p>
<p>Agree with Bigdaddy88. All of ds’s AP and dual enrolled credits will transfer in. They accept CLEP credit as well. He hadn’t planned on taking any CLEP’s but now he is. He will have zero problems with a double and is even considering a triple b/c he will be able to transfer so many classes in.</p>
<p>OP, I am just chiming in to say that my story (and that of my D’s) is sounding eerily similar to yours, right down to the ex being a grad of Chapel Hill. (Ex does not, however, have the $ to pay for CH, and likely I do not either.) I hope you can get your D down for a visit to Alabama and that she falls in love. I’m planning to take my D there too, probably in the fall, and am hoping that it’s a great fit for her. Let us know what happens!</p>
<p><<<
I wonder if an individual at UA, one on one, could tour the campus with her (other than me, the realist and bearer of not so happy news), and, if so, how to find the “right” person to present the school and it’s options to her? We also have limited time to visit and make a decision, and Clemson and Miami U are potentially viable options, yet with her interests, I am thinking UA may offer more flexibility, in the long run…
<<<<</p>
<p>How much do you want to spend each year? Clemson is quite high OOS so even with merit it can still be rather pricey. </p>
<p>YES!!! Your D can have a personalized visit by the Honors College. She can still do a campus tour in the morning, but have the HC set up the rest of the day. When would you be touring? Hopefully not on a Saturday because the Saturdays are booked and it’s almost impossible to have her meet with anyone on a day when faculty has off.</p>
<p>Book your campus tour now…those fill up VERY quickly…and some days are already booked.</p>
<p>We’re also in No VA (Chantilly HS) and DS has been accepted at UA and GMU (waiting for VT and USC)… He has visited twice and has been very impressed. My daughter is now keen to go to UA also. The No VA area is so dang competitive that I think one thing holding back DS is that no one else is talking about UA. I personally think they don’t know what they’re missing! </p>
<p>At any rate, as a “low stress” option - maybe you can go to the “Special Reception” at the Westin Tysons Corner 3/18/14 at 7 pm. I presume she got a postcard about it. My DS gets weekly “Bama Love” mailings, as we like to call them. From what I hear, they always have good speakers, some food, a chance to see other kids from around the area that are accepted/interested in UA and free stuff. It’s definitely not the same as visitiing, but might make her feel like she’d like to visit and see more!</p>
<p>My personal feeling is that a stubborn/reluctant teenager being forced to visit a school she doesn’t want to attend may well have a mindset such that she will not appreciate the campus no matter how well things go. Is there any way you can get her just a little excited about Bama so that she’d WANT to visit? Does she have any particular interests? Maybe if we knew about them someone could provide some information on how that interest could be nurtured at Bama and you could pass it on to your daughter. The Honors College usually provides a fabulous visit (I will admit that they fell down on the job during my D’s visit, but I think that was an exception to the norm), so if you can get your daughter there with a good attitude and an open mind, I think she’ll be impressed. </p>
<p>My D is a current sophomore. She is not a partier but has an active social life. She loves the sporting events (not just football), intramurals, and events with her business fraternity. She is surrounded by plenty of really smart kids and her courses are not a cakewalk. You mentioned liberal arts; if your D is interested in writing, I think there are parents here with kids involved in the Crimson White (school newspaper), literary magazines, etc. There are a broad variety of interests represented on this board and I’m sure folks can tell you what their students are involved with that might interest your daughter.</p>
<p>I can also second what others have mentioned about UA being generous with transfer credit (AP, CLEP, community college courses, etc.). Even though my D is a sophomore, she keeps getting e-mails from UA about applying for graduation, because she will have over 120 credits at the end of the current semester. Because of these credits, she is able to have a double major plus a minor and is going to try to also get her masters within the 8 semesters of her Presidential Scholarship. A student with a lot of credits going in will be able to explore many interests, which is good for a liberal arts-type kid who may not know exactly what she wants to study. Do you know what it is about Montana that your D finds appealing? Perhaps we could aslo suggest things about UA that would fit that bill.</p>
<p>I’ve heard this tale before, thanks to my oldest son, who also had no desire to visit Alabama. That was five years ago. He thought he would be doing his undergrad studies at an Ivy, Duke, Wash U or maybe William & Mary or Richmond. He was National Merit from rural Virginia, valedictorian, 13 APs, student council co-president, part-tiome job, etc. He reluctantly agreed to see Alabama, but with the words, “just to humor you. I’m not going there.” </p>
<p>Five years later, he is a graduate of Alabama. Double major. Double minor. CBHP. President of six different campus organizations. Phi Beta Kappa. He had an awesome experience there. Do not be fooled. College is what you put into it, and your student can find a challenge in many areas, not just academics. He also studied abroad, won a prestigious scholarship that gave him a government internship. He graduated without debt. He got into lots of great schools as an undergrad, but none offered him the package he got from Alabama.</p>
<p>BTW, he has been accepted to UVA and Georgetown Law. UVA just offered him a full tuition/fees scholarship.</p>
<p>If your student wants to speak with him, let me know.</p>