I am a freshman with a pre-assigned roommate and we are not allowed to know who are roommate is until move in day. Because we couldn’t communicate about who would bring what, I did not buy any appliances. After we met, because she lived closer to campus, she agreed to buy the fridge (which my parents were going to buy during NSO, but didn’t because she said she would) and we agreed we did not need other appliances. We agree that other roommate will pay 10% of appliance cost whenever we buy shared appliances. We both had food and we decide we can share food but ask when around. However, months passed and still no fridge. I asked about it every one or two weeks and finally December comes and she starts looking for a fridge (and I say I will buy a microwave because turns out we need one) only to decide she doesn’t need one. As for food, she stops buying food and begins eating my food all the time. Last week she opened a package of croissants I bought for a friend (she didn’t know) and she once ate my last pack of Oreos which I usually sneak into the library I bought a giant beanbag and She uses it all the time and calls it ‘ours’ even though she never contributed. Finally 3 weeks ago I just buy a fridge and while she’s driving me to pick up the fridge (I paid for transportation costs) she talks about how she’ll be using the fridge. She doesn’t even offer to pay the 10%. She keeps eating my food so until she gets the message (I previously told her I wanted to change the dynamic and sharing habits) i move the fridge into my neighbors room so shell stop eating my food. Finally, I politely ask her to stop, and she’s insulted but she stops eating my food. I ask her if she’ll get a microwave and she says yes. Next week, she says after she buys her spring break ticket. After she buys her spring break ticket, she says no because she doesn’t have a lot of access to the fridge. This makes some sense, but she’s always talking about how she would like a microwave and she said she didn’t need a fridge. I bought a microwave and it’s being delivered today. I plan to move my fridge and microwave back into our room. I do not want her using my fridge (especially because it’s pretty full already) and I’ll be fine if she uses the microwave a little bit, but other than that I don’t want her touching my stuff.
As for money insecurities, i know her family isn’t wealthy, but she has savings from the summer, she has received over 1000 in refunds from the school, and she has made the choice to work and she goes out to eat a lot.
My family is not wealthy, but is more wealthy than hers. I worked last quarter and do have a little more money to spend, all money I worked hard for.
However, no matter how much money I have, I don’t think it’s my responsibility or others responsibility to pay for me.
Tldr: my roommate is not paying any expenses that should be shared and because of that, I don’t want her touching my stuff and eating my food.
Is this justified? Or am I just too close to the situation to really see things clearly and am being too harsh.
We are close friends which is why I’m trying to be nice, and I don’t want to do anything that will strain our relationship as friends or roommates.
Man up and have the conversation. Or write a letter. Start by saying that she is a good friend, but you are feeling like she is taking advantage, and you value your friendship. Time to be an adult about this.
Instead of locking your fridge, could you get a container or two for inside of it to put your food in? My daughter had to do this in our house because her own dad kept nibbling on her “special” food. She labeled it “D’s food, Do Not Eat!” And it worked. She used some of those cardboard containers from the Whole Foods salad bar.
And a box for your Oreos, etc. My son keeps his food in his suitcase under his bed. Out of sight, out of mind. In sight, and it starts to look really good, and “she won’t notice if I eat just one…” which of course becomes two, then three…
But you definitely need to have the talk and come to a formal agreement. It should probably be: “We don’t help ourselves to the other person’s food. Period.”
If she eats all your Oreos, ask her for the $3 or whatever it cost.
Maybe you can grocery shop together, though.
As far as owning the appliances, just own them. They are yours to take or sell next year. I don’t understand the 10% agreement or why you had it.
At face value it does, but hypothetically if there are repairs to be done or something, the person who paid 10% to “rent” access to the appliance can say they’re not responsible. And the person having to repair it is better off with the 10% than nothing. Alternatively one person buys minifridge, one person buys microwave and they just share them evenly. All depends on the agreement they make.
Re: the appliances
These are your appliances to keep forever. So you get use out of them in the future.
Also, you don’t know her finances nor her priorities. She doesn’t have to buy anything. But neither do you have to share any of your stuff. I would definitely put a stop to sharing food.
You have every right to say "You said you didn’t need a frig or microwave so I ended up having to buy them. That is no problem, but they are mine. Do not use them. Also do not eat any of my food. "
or “You can use the microwave, but don’t use the fridge because you said you didn’t need one. Also, do not eat any of my food from now on.”
You could also say “You can use the frig/microwave but I expect you to keep them clean. If you don’t, I will ask you not to use it anymore. Also, do not eat any of my food from now on.”
So choose one (any are fine) and straight out tell her. Keep track of your food and note when you are eating something so you can see if she is taking anything.
If she does, then you go directly to the RA and tell them that you had discussed with roomie that you were not interested in sharing food, but she is stealing your food and what would they suggest as a next step.
I agree with others that it might be good to store your food in a place that is not in plain sight to her.
Is it “fair” that your roommate won’t contribute? No. But you do not have to share the appliances with her either. You are not harsh at all.
Sharing stuff is cool, only using your own stuff is cool…but me sharing and you not is not cool.
I’d straight-up lock the fridge. Last year during finals week, I had a big care package on the floor behind my desk – which was in a kind of alcove arrangement, so you really had to infringe on my space to get back there – and my roommate went through it while I was sleeping. A care package. From my family. During finals week.
I taped it up and wrote “FOR BODANGLES ONLY” on it and only untaped it when I wanted to eat something from it. I don’t think the written message would have done anything by itself.
thanks for the lovely advice everyone! I keep my food in drawers, but she still opened them. Once, my friend got angry about the situation and put tape over the drawers while my roommate and I were gone, and my roommate just moved the tape lol. But the food situation has been a lot better! She has still been eating my food with permission, but usually only when she’s really hungry. I’m taking her to a grocery store today so she can get her own food to snack on.
She has been hinting about using the fridge a bit, but if she actually tries to use it, I’ll tell her that she did say she did not need one which is why I had to buy it, and suggest she use the communal fridge. I’ll tell her she can use my microwave but only if she keeps it clean.
As for the lock, she’s my friend, we have to live together for another quarter and I want to be able to trust her and for her to know I trust her so I will not put a lock on the fridge.
When you go shopping just tell her that sharing food isn’t working out so she should get whatever she wants to eat when you take her to the store.
I like your idea to suggest she use the communal fridge…you could add that you only bought a fridge only big enough to fit your stuff since she was not interested.
I bought a giant beanbag and She uses it all the time and calls it ‘ours’ even though she never contributed. Finally 3 weeks ago I just buy a fridge and while she’s driving me to pick up the fridge (I paid for transportation costs) she talks about how she’ll be using the fridge. She doesn’t even offer to pay the 10%. She keeps eating my food so until she gets the message (I previously told her I wanted to change the dynamic and sharing habits) i move the fridge into my neighbors room so shell stop eating my food. Finally, I politely ask her to stop, and she’s insulted but she stops eating my food. I ask her if she’ll get a microwave and she says yes. Next week, she says after she buys her spring break ticket. After she buys her spring break ticket, she says no because she doesn’t have a lot of access to the fridge. This makes some sense, but she’s always talking about how she would like a microwave and she said she didn’t need a fridge. I bought a microwave and it’s being delivered today. I plan to move my fridge and microwave back into our room. I do not want her using my fridge (especially because it’s pretty full already) and I’ll be fine if she uses the microwave a little bit, but other than that I don’t want her touching my stuff.