Different Type of College Essay

Colleges & Universities A-Z University of Notre Dame
1

<p>Greetings English scholars. Below is a draft of my personal statement which I will use to hopefully get into graduate school. It differs from a college essay in that I basically have to talk about the research I have done, what my current research interests are, how they match with the professor I am applying to, and lastly what my plans are for the future. Oh, and did I mention I get 500 words to do this (and I am about 100 over :)).</p>

<p>I would really appreciate it if you would tkae a look at my essay and see what you think. I unfortunately have a lot of different research I have done, so I couldn't go into much detail, but let me know if you don't think it flows well. Any suggestions are helpful, especially those relating to grammar because I am a bit weak there (which is why you don't see me commenting on many essays, I stick with what I know :)). </p>

<p>Also, it should be noted that the part on professor fit is missing, just in case professors I am applying to see this :). Let me know if you have questions as well. Thanks again!</p>

<p>Personal Statement:</p>

<p>I am a curious person. I have never been content with the explanation that certain things are a certain way; I have always wanted to know why. This is especially true with people: I am fascinated with what motivates people to do the things they do. This curiosity led me to pursue Psychology. Reading about my field is never enough for me; I want to explore Psychology for myself. This led to my love of research. My interest in research, along with an interest in teaching which I discovered through being a teacher’s assistant, leads me to believe that a career in academics is perfect for me. </p>

<p>During my freshman year at Creighton University, I worked with Dr. Nancy Stone on her work on teamwork. I was responsible for coding video tapes to ensure that Dr. Stone’s coding was accurate. For the last three semesters I have worked with Dr. Anita Kelly at the University of Notre Dame during which time we have researched the impact being secretive has on the health, how much individuals disclose to their therapists, and how feedback from an authority figure influences the self-concept. During this time I have helped formulate new research ideas, edit of research scripts, and collect and enter data. These experiences have been enlightening for me as I have gotten to see how an idea can become a successful research study. </p>

<p>I have been passionate about suicide and prevention for several years which led me to Dr. John McIntosh at Indiana University-South Bend. Dr. McIntosh’s research is focused on the types of guilt experienced by survivors of suicide. I conducted a literature review on bereavement and the types of guilt and wrote an introduction which we can use to as the foundation of our future research on suicide bereavement. Through these experiences I learned that while research can be tedious work, it also provides an amazing opportunity to discover the answers which are not found in the textbook.</p>

<p>Currently, my main focus is my Honors Thesis which investigates the relationship between risk taking and the negative emotions associated with a gambling loss. Through use of a gambling task, I hope to show that the negative feelings associated with losing will lead individuals to place more risky bets, even against the odds. While my thesis looks unrelated to suicide, it is meant as a first step in showing that depression may lead to increased risk taking, which can be associated with suicide. In graduate school, I hope to be able to continue studying risk-taking and how it is associated with depression and its impact on suicide.</p>

<p><em>SECTION ON FIT DELETED SINCE IT IS ONLINE</em></p>

<p>I am excited about the opportunities research presents in suicide and prevention. Additionally, through helping students and grading assignments as a teacher’s assistant, I have found that I genuinely enjoy teaching. Given these interests, my ideal job would be one that encompasses both research and teaching. Therefore, it is my hope to gain a PhD in Clinical Psychology and to become a professor. This is the perfect career for me as it allows me to teach Psychology as well as quench my curiosity through continued research on suicide and prevention.</p>

2

<p>Irish
There's a number of grammar/editing errors that you should fix, and some awkward phrasing. ("I'm passoniate about suicide ..." should be "I'm passoniate about studying the causes and prevention of suicide...").
The first paragraph is really a throw-away, and given the word limit you're not accomplishing much with it. (Are you sure you only have 500 words? I thought 1,000 was more common.)
Most importantly, you're trying to convince the faculty at University XYZ why they want you in their program, but you've left no place for that. Have you identified and corresponded with faculty at University XYZ? Do they have an interest in your intended area of study? If so, that's the main thing to mention.</p>

3

<p>I know there are still grammatical errors, as it is still in drafting (and I always have a ton) so please point them out if you see them. I see what you mean on the passionate about suicide comment, definitely will look at that. </p>

<p>Several of the programs I am applying to have 500 word limits so that is why I am trying to limit it to that. For those that don't I will expand some, none of them give me the luxury of 1000 words unfortunately.</p>

<p>As for the last part, I do have a full paragraph tying my research with an individual faculty member's research and I show how I am a good fit for the school. I left this out because I wrote this letter for my top choice school and I was worried about the extremely small chance that other professors I am applying to would see it. If you would like to see this paragraph, however, I can PM it on a case by case basis. I just didn't want it floating out there. That is why I have the "section on fit deleted" comment.</p>

<p>While I see your point on the first paragraph, I am inclined to keep it at this point just because I feel like it needs some introduction, and that is what I tried to do. I see what you mean by the lack of utility for those words and tossing it would be helpful, but would it still sound like a decent personal statement? Let me know what you all think.</p>

<p>Thank you for your comments Irishbrigade, I do appreciate them. If you see any specific grammatical errors, please point them out so that I can work on them. If you would rather not, however, rest assured that this statement is at least 6 psych professors and the writing center away from going into any application!</p>

4

<p>I need all the help I can get, so bump it up. C'mon guys, help me!</p>

5

<p>i thought it was really good.... but wut do i know.....</p>

<p>there were the grammar errors.... but its just a rough draft.....</p>

<p>Now, I dont know what the grad school prof. are looking for bu ti think you cover a good basis of what you have done... but most importantly wut u can accomplish in the future with the help of XYX university........</p>

<p>Obviously ..... Im almost 5 years younger than you... and is not as educated so///////so dont take my word for it... but i thought it was good</p>

6

<p>That is alright Chillin, the personal statement is one of those documents that you want proofed by EVERYONE which is why I keep pestering people on the board with this! Any comments are helpful!</p>

7

<p>As a person of insatiable curiosity, I definitely identify with your premise. My simple advice it to switch to active verbs wherever possible. Example, in last paragraph, second sentence, instead of saying "have found" say "find." Do that throughout your easy and you may find that subtle change can make a huge difference.</p>

8

<p>Good point, that is something I have a habit of doing. Thank you for that observation, I will change that up</p>

9

<p>The big things I noticed about your essay while reading it is that the phrasing is kind of awkward and the grammar errors. I will go over your essay and send you a PM. Just thought I'd let you know its on the way.</p>

10

<p>Thank you very much Shellzie!!!</p>

11

<p>Part about checking coding---I know what you mean, but it sounds like you're the expert and she's the novice---I think you mean something about coder to coder accuracy--you might want to change that a little--like the idea though.</p>

<p>Good work--we should all do our best to help you as you have been a big help to all of us.</p>

12

<p>Thanks swimmer, keep pointing things like this out. When you are doing an essay on suicide those small differences can make a huge difference on what the reader reads! I really appreciate all the help I can get as I openly admit that I am not the best writer!</p>

13

<p>Irish
When you've developed a second draft, you might want to post it over on the graduate school board -- a lot of people have done that and gotten useful feedback.
One thing to think about in how you present yourself is whether a Clinical Psyc program will be especially interested in admitting someone who doesn't talk about their interest in actually counselling people, but only teaching about it. If it were me, I'd emphasize my interest in helping people. You do a nice job talking about your interest in learning about suicide/grief and gambling disorders, but not actually counseling people in those areas. I think expressing your interest in teaching is fine to do, but since it is a Clinical program you're applying to, I'd put that as a secondary or complementary objective, as something you'd like to do in addition to serving patients.</p>

14

<p>Good point, I will do that (I am actually a few more revisions down the line so now is a good time).</p>

<p>Also, believe it or not, it is the opposite of that...the last thing you should ever say is that you are interested in counseling. The Ph.D programs are setup mainly to create researchers and professors. In Psych we have a PsyD which is also a doctoral level degree which prepares you for therapy. Therefore, if you say you want to do therapy they will tell you to apply to either a masters program or a Psy.D. For me, I don't really think I want to do therapy (I would get too attached) and I really want to do research and so I stressed those, especially given that they are all Ph.D programs. I will eventually be licensed to do therapy, I just don't know if I will ever do it, and they are okay with that because they want to train the next generation of professors.</p>