<p>I have found a true gem in my current husband - one who goes a long way for making up for the louse my kids have as a biological father. He showers them with love and affection, coaches their sports teams, comes to every event with me, knows the schools/teachers and is truly my partner in making sure they have the best we can give them. Not to mention he was diagnosed with MS almost 5 years ago which threw us a curve ball for sure but we take everything in stride and are happy we all have each other. </p>
<p>I never badmouthed my ex, or pointed out the obvious, but he created a wall between he and them all on his own. Need2no - mine didn’t have him paying for private school (yet) for his new child, but would use such excuses as “her new bed cost $300” or some other such lousy excuse (for a child that is not yet 2) so we only expect it to get worse. </p>
<p>And yes, there were signs looking back, in retrospect it all seemed obvious, but he spins a great tale so it even took some time before people stopped treating me like the bad one for getting out. </p>
<p>His current wife of course thought he always walked on water and believed him 100% that it was all me… until he started the same behavior with her.</p>
<p>I worked on a few high-net-worth divorce cases. I saw plenty of spouses trying to hide their money. But I also saw a number of highly paid individuals torpedo their own careers on purpose in order to earn less and thus pay less to the former spouse. The sudden drop in annual income from $800k to $150k during the year of the divorce was genuine – but intentional. Some people would prefer to destroy their professional reputation and live in a cardboard box rather than pay the ex one extra nickel.</p>
<p>But, often the person is still earning a lot, but is taking the money “under the table.” </p>
<p>Years ago, I worked with a $#@%^ who made it clear that he was never going to retire because he didn’t want his ex (a woman he was married to for 25 years until she found out about his adulteries) to get half of his 401k payouts or retirement. </p>
<p>Now, it seems courts have gotten wise to this kind of thing and can make guys like him “buy out” their exes or give the exes a greater share of the home proceeds.</p>
<p>Don’t keep the home. The marital mausoleum, the ball and chain, the only asset that some women are willing to fight for.</p>
<p>I live in a county with depressed real estate prices and the only homes for sale seem to be those owned by divorced women. First year is great- kids keep their old bedrooms, stable neighborhood, nobody needs to know there’s been a trauma or the lifestyle’s taken a hit.</p>
<p>Year two is bad- real estate taxes are High! Nobody told me how much it costs to heat a house. The roof leaks- yikes! New water assessment from the town and they don’t take credit cards.</p>
<p>Year three is reality. H got the liquid assets which can be sold, cashed out, or held onto for appreciation. Wife got the house which leaks when it rains, costs too much to maintain (snow shoveling, grass cutting, gutter cleaning) and is now worth 20% less than when it was purchased. Oh god- and although I’m back at work now, I’m making little more than an entry level salary seeing as how I took a 15 year maternity leave to raise my kids.</p>
<p>DON’T TAKE THE HOUSE. There’s a reason why your financially savvy ex-husband would rather give you the house than share the 401K, i.e. IT COSTS HIM LESS and is a terrible deal for you.</p>
<p>I’m not usually so cynical- but I have many divorced female friends and they all got %^&* when their lawyers advised them to negotiate hard for the house. What a rip-off. There’s a reason why the savvy husbands ditch the house and end up renting a luxury condo.</p>
<p>mom2- regarding your post #60- some men have character.</p>
<p>Both men and women should not remarry if the have young children and the new spouse shows any inkling that the children are not important or even worse a burden. IMHO you should wait to get married until the children are independent if that is your companions attitude towards your young children. Again just my opinion.</p>
<p>I’ve known some women to want the house because their egos can’t handle the idea of their exes having it with their new girlfriends. They feel that the home was “their domain” and “no way is he moving some chick in here.” </p>
<p>*blossom - you are 100% correct- sell and divide all assets. Both tangible and intangible. *</p>
<p>But, you’re right, the home can become a ball and chain of expenses. Better to sell and split the assets…and include something about paying for college!!!</p>
<p>Hanna-
Were you able to find those hidden assets and income? What happened if you were able to? What happens if my ex is suddenly rich in a couple of years?</p>
<p>lots of male-bashing here, but if that’s your thing hope you enjoy yourselves, female persons. just remember, one way or another you picked the man. and there are always 3 sides to every divorce: his, hers - and what really happened. guess if you initiated divorce, he must have hit somebody, drank or drugs, or had an affair. plus the kids feel better.</p>
<p>as for the house, i’m confused how a wife would feel the house was “her domain” but have no clue until year #2 regards its real cost and upkeep. guess the guy did SOMETHING all those years. so go ahead, sell the house, let the kids lose what’s left of their “domain” - make sure the carpet is really jerked out from under them. better yet, let him have the house (I did). but don’t be surprised if you find that one reason an ex-husband loses connection with his kids is that he lost his home, too. house may not be home, but when the home is gone the house helps you get by those first few years. good going, ladies.</p>