My brothers and I did provide various types of support to our widowed mother in the last years of her life. The single one
moved in with her and served as her caretaker, and the other two of us contributed financially and in other significant ways. We all contributed based on our strengths and resources.
Now all four of H’s and my parents are deceased.
It worked out but I would never want to be a burden on my kids.
H and I are very well prepared for retirement financially. Health of course can become an issue at any time.
Our kids are launched and partnered and I would hate to undermine their own situations, would try to do whatever I could (hiring people to handle things we might need help with, for example) to keep from becoming dependent on them in any way.
I just realized that in our family, at least, it seems to be cyclical. When I was growing up, my parents scrimped to be able to supplement the Social Security on which both their widowed mothers lived. As a result of that experience, my folks were very prudent about retirement savings. My in-laws’ own parents died relatively young, so my in-laws were never responsible for their financial support. When you’ve seen the effects of denial/poor planning, you are determined not to inflict that on anyone else. Our D maxed out her Roth IRA contribution last year, so she’s learning!
No, and NO! We did provide a fair amount of non-monetary help to FIL in his last year, but then he left us the cash he didn’t spend on home care. Not the trade we would have made, but that’s the way it happened. He did not “expect” us to help, he just assumed he was tough and stubborn enough not to need help, but did not do anything to make aging in place or taking care of him easier. Except for saving his money, which of course is huge. So he needed much more help than he ever expected or would ever admit he needed and was getting.
My mom moved to a CCRC so she could assure she would be both physically and financially taken care of without our help. We did help her move there. She lives a larger life in the senior community with the vast support system they have than MIL/FIL lived being “independent” and isolated in their home. It cost much/most of her savings to move there, and worth every penny to her offspring. So that’s my plan - move before we think we have to. Just have to hold out long enough to figure out where the kids and future grandkids will be, so we can downsize near them if possible. We’ll have 2 pensions and 2 SS payments, plus savings, so the money should be there if we can keep our cognitive functions strong enough to manage it.
Unless…
There is a medical breakthrough. Our life expectancies rise to 150 years with the quality of life of 90 year olds for the last 60 years of our lives.
I told my wife if the above happens, put me to sleep when I am 90. I don’t want to be 90 for 60 years.
No to both questions. Both my father and FIL are deceased. My mom at age 95 is 2 hours away from anyone in the family, but would not consider moving into an assisted living or place closer to family. She wants to die in her home. She spends very little money and has plenty to keep her going. She has some home help who come in every morning and she gets meals on wheels. My MIL is in assisted living at age 91 and also has enough assets to provide for her and then some. They both still have decent quality of life, although I think my mom would be happier if she had more social interaction, but she is a stubborn old bird.
I occasionally take my mom to the doctor, and my SIL does the same for her mom. We will not need our children to financially support us. My adult daughter handles her finances on her own (with some advice from me). My son is pretty apathetic and I still help him manage his money. He’s not into investing or research, so I am thinking of setting him up in a target date type fund, although the expenses can be higher. Two more college payments to go for youngest, but that money is in a 529 from the inlaws.
I separate financial support from the kind of support that money can’t buy for elderly parents. My in-laws are financially in great shape, but now need help managing their finances, diagnosing home repair problems, etc. All of their children are happy to help, and don’t see it as a burden at all. Many years ago, they were wise to purchase long-term disability insurance, so now full-time in home care for FIL is covered.
Parents shouldn’t expect it. They should plan for their retirement. Of course, if support is later necessary and a child can do so, then that’s fine.
But to over-spend on college with the expectation that the kid(s) will HAVE to support you in retirement is a bad plans.
This question came up in another thread and I posted:
Your children’s future marriages could be damaged by such an expectation. This kind of thinking may work in some foreign cultures, but it probably won’t work well here for a number of reasons.
What if your children’s spouses’ parents had such an expectation? What a burden supporting TWO sets of parents!
What if one or more of your kids ends up not earning much? Does the remaining child who may be a good-earner bear the brunt since siblings can’t?
And yet, my MIL is nearly 90, she had a disabling stroke 30 years ago, her body keeps going. No cancers, no heart disease, no diabetes, no HBP, no life prolonging treatment and, yet, on she soldiers. Fading & failing now, but she could go on for many more years in a nursing home.
Her care has been very very expensive since FIL was no longer able to do most of it himself.
Well I agree about the paper work. We just started being executor of FIL and discovered that FIL sister who died 2 years ago will was never probated. We are now executor of 2 wills and help manage my mothers medical and bills in assisted living. They all planned for the future financially. I do expect to take care of ourselves and am much more meticulous of our files and neat at home. The paperwork is frankly overwhelming at times. They were and are in their 90s . We just retired but am spending a lot of our time with above. We are planning trips though.
FIL was a union electrician, and though he never saved a penny during his career, he has a good pension and SS, as well as supplemental medical insurance besides Medicare. He lives 1-1/2 blocks from my BIL, who is truly a saint for dealing with daily logistics for him. DH avoids anything regarding his dad’s care. Too many burned bridges. His wife’s dad lives with them and is heading into dementia. My understanding is that he has $$ for care, but wants to leave the money to my niece (only grandchild). At some point my BIL and SIL will have to make tough decisions regarding him.
My dad is 79, still lives at home and is able to deal with daily life (though he can be a little forgetful at times). He says he will die at home. Period. His expectation is that we will all come take care of him, as he has no plans to pay for an aide. I have one sister who lives in the same town, and she absolutely cannot quit her job if he needs FT care. Dad has his military pension, SS, and a small IRA. Also has Tricare. We think that his pension & SS would cover whatever nursing care he needs later, but since he has not shared those numbers, who knows? He also owns his house and the house said sister lives in. There will be no cash at the end to pay for taxes and fixing his house to sell. I suspect that will fall to DH and me, as none of my other sibs have money to provide any kind of assistance. He and Mom did get the papers in order before she passed away (she was the organized one and they had a lot of time to decide on what they wanted as far as end-of-life medical care and funeral arrangements were concerned).
My concern is that some of my sibs will have nothing at retirement except SS.
DH and I should be fine. Gov’t pension, SS, and we both have 401(k) accounts. DH got a late start on his retirement because we were paying for day care and student loans til 1998. We got LTC coverage through DH’s employer years ago. Still have our term life policies. No other property. When we sell our house and downsize, it will be a break-even move at best since I don’t see DH wanting to retire or leave the area and my docs are here. One of our kids will be in good shape financially. The other is still launching – not sure what his LT prospects will be. I am in the process of getting accounts organized and documented. Now if only I could get DH to get wills done! :0
My divorced BIL died last year, with 2 kids still in college. We paid for half the funeral. Fortunately both kids have full merit scholarships, but we will help them if asked.
My parents are in their mid 90’s and still have enough funds to keep them in their CCR for another 10-15 year. I dont plan on having to take care of them and I don’t plan on having my D take care of me. That being said, I save and save and encourage my D to save. I always want the luxury of paying my own way/
<<<
aggravated if we had to support Mr R’s parents. They make decent money but they tend to blow it.
<<<<
This is not an uncommon feeling to have. Once you’re expected to support a parent or in-law, naturally there will be some judging going on.
My in-laws were awful with money, but luckily they inherited money when they were senior citizens, which provided their nest egg.
Prior to that, whenever they needed anything, one of the DD’s would call and say, "mom and dad need a new (fill in the blank), so we need to get that for them. However, (various siblings) don’t have any money, so you and (other siblings) have to split the cost. These things ranged from a new fridge, new washer/dryer, new fence around their home, new A/C unit, and so forth.
The annoying part was that the ones who didn’t have any money to contribute were ALSO the ones that my in-laws would indulge and waste money on.
Few begrudge well-laid plans that don’t work out and help is needed. When my mom had her first serious stroke, my sister and her hubby (no kids) moved in to monitor her meds and just be the “adults” in the household. My parents paid for everything, but sound minds were needed to manage a few things. My parents had a large home, so sis and BIL took the upper floor as their own, and parents had the lower floor. The rest of the siblings “took turns” to give sis and BIL frequent respites.
My mom is widowed and in very good health. At some point when she can’t live by herself, she will most likely move into my apartment building (separate apartment) so I could keep an eye on her. I think financially she will be fine, but if she should need help, my siblings and I will take care of her.
The day we graduated from college, my siblings and I paid for my parents whenever we went on vacations and out to eat. There were times when I gave them money monthly, and I know my siblings also did the same. We weren’t happy about it, but it was expected.
