There’s a big difference between a responsibility to make sure you’re taken care of, and a responsibility to care for you. After all you’ve done to raise him throughout his life, you don’t think he has any responsibility or obligation at all to try to ensure that bad things don’t happen to you? That if he sees you going crazy, giving everything away, walking naked around the neighborhood, he should just do nothing? Step over you on the sidewalk and say nothing? I’m sure you must have sacrificed so much for him in your life.
I don’t know, maybe think a little more on this one. Honestly, you really need someone who is much younger, who has your best interests at heart to at least spend a little time here and there, making sure you’re okay. And I doubt he would feel guiltless about abandoning you into a bad situation, if he could have done something to help. You hear about so many elderly people who were completely ripped off and abused, and all they needed was someone to check in every now and then, just to make sure they were okay.
We’ll have to agree to disagree. What DH and I have done for our son over his lifetime carries no strings. Just none. We can’t control what he might decide to do if he sees us in a desperate situation, but we have no expectation of him. We’ve thought long and hard on this (as a family) to come to these conclusions. That’s just the way we are.
Alright, we’ll just have to disagree, then. I suspect if the time ever comes, since you are a close family, that he will not abandon you. That’s just what a close family unit does, makes sure that everyone is okay, because if your loved ones don’t care enough to do so, who else will?
I just can’t stop thinking about a woman I knew, who turned down everyone’s offer of help, and died because of that, needlessly. If she just had a child that she trusted, that checked in every now and then on her, she’d be alive today.
I’m on the same wavelength as @ChoatieMom . . . do not have any expectations whatsoever. We have taught our sons that - when they marry (or pair up) - their first obligation is to their own families/children. Even if they’re single, their first obligation is to take care of themselves (as adults).
I hope that we’ll always remain close and loving of one another. I just feel like the parent-child relationship, as far as nurturing and support goes, is supposed to flow more in a one-way direction (parent to child). In our faith, which we certainly don’t expect others to follow or agree with, children are to respect their parents.
This issue is deeply cultural too. And sometimes life experience feeds into it. I’ve watched my husband stay up until 3 am working on his mom’s stuff. And this has been going on for years since her condition got worse. He and his sibling are very, very good adult children to their mother. Yet extended family still manage to make noises about how the three of us (husband, sibling, and myself - the DIL) should be doing more. That’s hurtful. I never want to do that to my sons.
“This issue is deeply cultural too. And sometimes life experience feeds into it. I’ve watched my husband stay up until 3 am working on his mom’s stuff. And this has been going on for years since her condition got worse. He and his sibling are very, very good adult children to their mother. Yet extended family still manage to make noises about how the three of us (husband, sibling, and myself - the DIL) should be doing more. That’s hurtful. I never want to do that to my son”
That’s awful. Maybe they feel badly about the little they do, and are trying to shift the guilt. There certainly is a balance between becoming a burden, and complete abandonment.
I get that there are traditions and cultures where children help their parents as they age, particularly as it relates to things not directly related to money. I see that sometimes the money doesn’t last long enough, catastrophic illnesses occur, financial hits can happen to retirement accounts. There are folks who work hard all their lives, but there is no possible way to adequately fund a life which extends into the 90s and beyond, especially if there are chronic or catastrophic illnesses. I see acknowledging those possibilities entirely different from taking the stance that my kids darn well better support me because they are family and “that is what family does.”
If all else fails, I’m sure my kids would step up to help. But I feel no such automatic entitlement which would cause me to neglect my own retirement savings; there is no built in expectation that our kids are REQUIRED to support us and we have no obligation to at least try to provide for ourselves. I don’t understand that attitude at all. DH and I are doing everything we can to make sure our retirement is taken care of, including the possibility of LTC down the line. Our kids will have enough on their plates trying to raise and educate children and provide for their own retirements without adding an additional expectation on them that for some reason we are not responsible for our own financial welfare, so they must assume that role.
I have a good story about this. My widowed aunt had 4 kids, and was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s about 15 years ago. Devastating for everyone – she used to be a college professor, and it was just awful. One sib moved back to her home town (none had lived there). Mom had some assets, so they bought a house with her money that had a MIL apartment. She lived there, and my cousin & his wife (and eventually 2 little kids) lived with her and took care of her. They cared for her in her home for 12 years until she died at home. The other sibs visited and helped when they could, but all lived pretty far away. I think the two away sibs with more money contributed a bit financially, too. When my aunt died, the will split the inheritance equally among the four kids, but the biggest asset was the house. The other 3 out of town sibs got together, and agreed that the sib who had cared for mom deserved the house, and gave him their shares.
My father-in-law has a very strong desire to leave money to his children (my husband and his three siblings). There are various examples of related behavior but for now, I’ll share only one. Several years ago, on the advice of a financial planner, FIL bought a life-insurance policy on the life of his wife, my MIL. She was approximately 82 years old at the time. This is a 20-year term policy; premiums are $30,000 per year; payout at death is, I think, $675,000. It seems clear to me that FIL thought MIL would die within a few years; she was already showing signs of Alzheimer’s disease when he purchased the policy. Eight years later, MIL is deep in the late stages of Alzheimer’s disease but otherwise healthy. My husband has told me that he thinks FIL wants he and his siblings to continue paying the premiums if FIL dies first. It’s crazy.
All of you with siblings you worry about having to care for need to stop posting. We’re trying to get through the process of closing out FIL’s estate, emptying and selling the house, collecting the insurance payouts, splitting the accounts. Then we’ll be done and can take a breather. In no way am I ready to think about how quickly BIL and his DW are going to burn through whatever money they get from this, or how soon we’ll start getting the sad stories. No. Not yet.
I am 23 and I will of course support my parents, and they expect it. They paid for 100% of my college and will now be paying for my medical school (around 300,000). Also, as soon as I got into medical school, my dad–who drives an old mercades–brought me a brand new BMW suv. I asked him not to and to use it himself, but he said that it brings him more happiness seeing me enjoy. And at his age–60–he is too old to enjoy these things, and such luxury is best enjoyed by the young (his words). Of course I will have to support my parents.
My dad supported me, and me and my spouse support him when he needs it. We support my MIL. Though we “expect” our children will support us, we don’t think they have to, we just hope we raised them in such a way that they will want to.
There is also a difference between “support” and “let sponge off of”. Both on the parent and child side.
turtle0099 - many of use would take offense at 60 being “too old to enjoy these things”. Unless your dad has health or other issues, I can’t see why he wouldn’t enjoy a new BMW.
My father is near 90 and enjoys getting a new car every few years, but would give me his car if I asked for it.
Lol at 60 being “too old” (and I’m about your age, turtle).
I think it’s dumb to put your financial future in the hands of your child(ren). There are just too many things that can go wrong. Thor forbid, they could pass away unexpectedly, develop a debilitating illness or have a serious injury, have a special needs child who requires lots of medical care, and so on. It’s just too risky IMO.
OTOH, I’d be sad if I was in a family where there wasn’t some expectation that family members care for each other when needed. Unless, of course, there is some extenuating circumstances (like my dad’s abusive mom that he has zero relationship with). I just think caring for family members is what you should do- whether they’re your parents, children, siblings, etc. I don’t particularly come from a culture of expecting family support but it’s still just something that’s done. Heck, my uncle just moved in with my parents because he lost his job and simply can’t make ends meet… and they’re in their 50s/60s.
“turtle0099 - many of use would take offense at 60 being “too old to enjoy these things”. Unless your dad has health or other issues, I can’t see why he wouldn’t enjoy a new BMW.”
I mean, those were his words not mind. I told him to keep it for himself. His words, he said at this point in life he only wants to see his children succeed.
I mean that makes sense. He doesn’t care much about prestige or money anymore. He told me that, not my words. My sister is in medical school, and my brother goes to an Ivy that costs over 50K I believe. He pays for all of it. He is a doctor, department director now, and mostly spends time doing research and teaching. Only sees patients two days a week. Doesn’t work much anymore. But I think he has over a million saved up, could be wrong though.
I think I will have to support him and my mother. But I don’t mind honestly I’d feel horrible if I didn’t.
H’s parents are both deceased. I have one living parent, but I am long estranged from her and she has plenty of money and a favorite daughter who has been on the financial receiving end for years.
H and I did not receive one bit of support or assistance such as: our own college educations, wedding costs, setting up household, childcare, money, emotional, furniture, assets, etc. from parents on either side, so we learned to be independent both financially and emotionally. There was also no interest in grand-parenting from either side of the family, so our children have not received love or assets of any kind.
It’s been a tough road at times, but we have earned every single thing on our own and provided for our children. It’s also been very scary to know we are without a safety net of family support, but that’s the hand we were dealt and we never felt sorry for ourselves.
We don’t expect our children to support us financially, but hope they will be there physically and want to help us in old age. My H has early Alzheimer’s so as long as I am healthy and able, I will be his caregiver when the time comes that he needs help with daily living.
My folks helped put my sibs and I through college and grad/professional school. They have also gifted us with shares in a small family corporation that provides generous (5 figure) annual dividends. They do NOT expect anyone to pay for their expenses and none of us expect our sibs to pay any of our expenses. At this point, it looks like everyone will have sufficient assets to handle their own financial needs.
My sibs and I spend varying amounts of time and energy with my folks. They are aging and benefit from help driving them to MDs (tho both still do drive), as well as in the evening and to unfamiliar places. They are currently expecting to be able to pay for all their expenses to go to a SR retirement community, where they will live independently but have a common dining room with one or more meals/day provided–they are on the waiting list. It is 7 figures to “buy” a unit and then $7K or more/month for that one meal/day and some other services I’m not clear on. When the couple dies, their estate gets back 90% of the price of their living space.
"I mean that makes sense. He doesn’t care much about prestige or money anymore. He told me that, not my words. My sister is in medical school, and my brother goes to an Ivy that costs over 50K I believe. He pays for all of it. He is a doctor, department director now, and mostly spends time doing research and teaching. Only sees patients two days a week. Doesn’t work much anymore. But I think he has over a million saved up, could be wrong though.
I think I will have to support him and my mother. But I don’t mind honestly I’d feel horrible if I didn’t.
He sounds like a smart, loving father, who has saved for the future, especially since he doesn’t care much about prestige or money, and is not buying expensive items for himself. I do not think you will need to care for him financially, and odds are, he will leave you both some money. He may appreciate your help to navigate the challenges of aging, if mental deterioration hits him or your mother, though.
I do have to chuckle about the age 60 being too old to enjoy a nice car. I’ll have to tell that to my soon to be 53 year old husband, who just bought his dream sports car. He smiles every time he drives it, and loves when kids make comments about it. Good thing he bought it before he got REALLY old. Oh, my youngest would just love to relieve him of that car because he’s too old to enjoy it!
So far, my parents haven’t asked much of me, nor I of them. We just do the things that most families would do. Every now and then they’ve watched our kids or the dogs, helped drive me to doctors appointments where I was going under anesthesia, let us borrow a tool or two, helped with a project. I’ve helped them with physical stuff here and there, have them over for dinner, visit, get them stuff and take them out every now and then. It’s mutual that nobody asks for too much, but asks for help (and gets it) if they need it. The only thing I kind of regret is getting my Dad an iPhone, but he really needed it, and wouldn’t get it. He loves that phone, but he is texting and calling all of us, all the time. Drives us nuts!!
Financially, there have been times they paid for me and given me money when they didn’t have to. And times that I’ve paid for things for them, that I didn’t have to. I don’t really consider that support, just things family does for each other.
