My H is lusting after thinking what car he will be buying. We have set aside a big chunk of money, so he can buy his “dream car.” He has to clean the carport BEFORE he gets it, but he’s well past 60 and even past 70, but still wants his brand new dream car and I want him to have it. S wanted him to get a Tesla, but so far he hasn’t been interested. I’m very curious about what he will choose. I’m sure it will be a great vehicle, once he can decide on which one.
This seems like an odd position to take. Certainly, one wants to avoid running out of money while alive, and perhaps have enough of an estate to cover funeral and other costs associated with dying. But to have a specific goal of leaving an inheritance seems odd in typical cases. Many adult children would rather see the older parents spend the money as they need to enjoy the rest of their lives. And, from the older parents’ point of view, wouldn’t making gifts while alive allow them to see the recipients enjoy the gifts?
Those aren’t mutually exclusive things, ucb. I plan on enjoying retirement by traveling, etc; we plan on giving gifts to our children at certain milestones, and we plan on giving some kind of inheritance. We also intend to significantly fund any eventual grandchildren’s educations. This takes a lot of planning to make sure it goes to them versus Uncle Sam, but this is why we worked so hard and lived below our means.
"He sounds like a smart, loving father, who has saved for the future, especially since he doesn’t care much about prestige or money, and is not buying expensive items for himself. I do not think you will need to care for him financially, and odds are, he will leave you both some money. He may appreciate your help to navigate the challenges of aging, if mental deterioration hits him or your mother, though.
I do have to chuckle about the age 60 being too old to enjoy a nice car."
He is and I am extremely grateful for that. The support I would have to give him would be time, not money. Of course, I would love one day to buy for him vacations. Thankfully I don’t notice any deterioration. They both work which is extremely important I think. Once you stop working, you stop using a lot of cognitive functions which leads to decline. I encourage my mom to work even though she doesn’t many any significant money.
For the car, I was just quoting him. He meant to say, he no longer cares about those things. He used to, but no longer does, that is what he meant. I didn’t mean to imply anything about old age or anything, I am just saying that he doesn’t care, but that he used to.
I’m sorry if I offended, I mis-worded it.
At this point, his main goals in life are making sure his children turn out good.
So in a way that puts a lot of pressure on us to succeed. But I think that is good.
If you want to know the truth, a big reason I went to medical school is because of him. He said, 'If you go to medical school, I will be the happiest man in the world and my life will be complete." I enjoy medicine thankfully and have already started USMLE prep.
My youngest brother is doing extremely well (better than my sister and I) and so is certain to get into medical school as well. Three doctors was his only goal in life really and I am glad that he got to live to see it.
No, parents are both gone and I did not support them. And no. Although I would like to leave them something, I intend to use as much of it as will make my retirement a good one! In other words , as my mom use to say, I hope I will be spending their inheritance! As I told her, you earned it, spend it.
I do not want my kids to depend on what we leave them. They need to plan for themselves. If they get something from us, or any other relative, it should be the cherry on the icing on the cake.
@ucbalumnus, I think my FIL is so focused on leaving money and other property to his children because it is part of his belief system as to what makes a person a good father. I also think my husband and his siblings would much rather their dad would spend money now on himself and MIL; I agree with them. What is particularly painful (at least for me) about the situation is that FIL made some unwise investments and that he might have made these investments with the belief that they were legal ways to engage in Medicaid planning: i.e., protecting assets and also maintaining eligibility for Medicaid if he or MIL goes into a nursing home. I highly doubt that his investments met this goal.
“My H is lusting after thinking what car he will be buying. We have set aside a big chunk of money, so he can buy his “dream car.” He has to clean the carport BEFORE he gets it, but he’s well past 60 and even past 70, but still wants his brand new dream car and I want him to have it. S wanted him to get a Tesla, but so far he hasn’t been interested. I’m very curious about what he will choose. I’m sure it will be a great vehicle, once he can decide on which one.”
I hope he gets it soon. My husband was desiring a car so badly, that I finally said, “What are you waiting for? Get it! Why not enjoy it while you can?” I think that’s pretty much what he was waiting for, he hadn’t really taken it seriously until then. It’s hard spending family money for something you know is frivolous, but we haven’t regretted it at all.
HIdad needs to get it ASAP!
"For the car, I was just quoting him. He meant to say, he no longer cares about those things. He used to, but no longer does, that is what he meant. I didn’t mean to imply anything about old age or anything, I am just saying that he doesn’t care, but that he used to.
I’m sorry if I offended, I mis-worded it.
At this point, his main goals in life are making sure his children turn out good.
So in a way that puts a lot of pressure on us to succeed. But I think that is good.
If you want to know the truth, a big reason I went to medical school is because of him. He said, 'If you go to medical school, I will be the happiest man in the world and my life will be complete." I enjoy medicine thankfully and have already started USMLE prep"
No, I’m sure you didn’t offend anyone! We’re just laughing a little. I know it was his words, but I remember when I was 20, I thought 60 was just SO OLD! In fact, I thought, well, I’ll probably be dead before I’m 30, so who cares what happens after. Your dad sounds like an awesome guy, though that’s a lot of pressure put upon someone to go to med school. How could you say no? I’m very glad that you enjoy it!
Right now, my mother can support herself. She thought she’d have enough to see her to the end, but a few hospital stays and then a small fracture in her hip put paid to that. She can no longer live independently. She can afford the place she’s living for another 4 years (92), then it will be either Medicaid and/or help from her daughters. Her goal is to die the day after her money runs out. We don’t care to ever see a penny from her.
The ILs have plenty and will leave an estate. My SIL is no longer working and spends 20-30 hours per week dealing with parental things.
We have saved aggressively and intend to be able to fund our retirement in all ways without being a financial burden to the girls. We’re sure they will be there for us emotionally and physically.
We know that mom may need help and we are more than willing to do so. One of my sisters is next to impossible. She has long expected money from mom, but after taking $$$ to fund her stupid life decisions, the consensus is that whatever is left is divided amongst the rest of us. I won’t be giving her a cent. She is raising her son to be much as she is, so I expect she will be taxpayer funded in her old age.
“No, I’m sure you didn’t offend anyone! We’re just laughing a little. I know it was his words, but I remember when I was 20, I thought 60 was just SO OLD! In fact, I thought, well, I’ll probably be dead before I’m 30, so who cares what happens after. Your dad sounds like an awesome guy, though that’s a lot of pressure put upon someone to go to med school. How could you say no? I’m very glad that you enjoy it!”
Thank you. I do think he is amazing, I really do love him a lot and I know that the only way to bring him happiness is by doing well. I mean, I’m sure if I wanted to do another field, he would support me.
My other younger brother is doing law. My dad does have a somewhat negative opinion of lawyers though haha, but he is still paying for it.
My dad was born very, very poor. He had an alcoholic farther who used to physically and verbally abuse him, and his mother died from a drug overdose. It is really amazing how far he came and of course it puts a lot of pressure to succeed, but I am glad.
Honestly, when I got into medical school my first thought was, ‘It will make him so happy.’ That was literally my first thought, I did not even think about myself.
Now I’m in the college library writing this. I want to finish off this semester well because you never know. I’ve spend every Friday night in the library for the past two years. I have ADHD and attention problems so I have to spend extra time studying, even after treatment. And honestly I am not that smart, so I have to study 7 days a week. What motivated me is just thinking about how happy he will be if I get into medical school.
We currently help support my dad. He has been living with us for a few years now. We had to give up our master bedroom as it is on the first floor. Dad cannot climb stairs. You just never know in life how thing are going to turn out. I never thought he would have to live with us. He is still independent and drives as of now.
When it comes to my kids I hope my kids support us with their love and not their money. I do hope though they would take us in if the situation warranted it though. That is what family is supposed to do. Look out for each other.
Wow, that is surely dedicated love for your father, turtle. I hope he knows that. Kind of makes me jealous. All I want is a unsolicited hug every now and then. I don’t think our kids do anything in particular to make us happy (though they make us happy anyways). Your dad is a lucky guy. I’m glad you feel motivated and inspired by what you do, that’s a double bonus.
H is able to spend what he likes on repairs because he hasn’t found a new car he likes as well as his OLD car. He just spent nearly $7000 for a new transmission to be installed. It’s what HE wants.
He REALLY needs to get his junk out of the carport. It has been there literally for decades. Much of it is over 50-60 years old! The carport needs to be cleared to make room for the new car. I can’t do it–literally horrible for my health, plus HE has to decide since it’s his stuff and his deceased parents’ stuff.
“Wow, that is surely dedicated love for your father, turtle. I hope he knows that. Kind of makes me jealous. All I want is a unsolicited hug every now and then. I don’t think our kids do anything in particular to make us happy (though they make us happy anyways). Your dad is a lucky guy. I’m glad you feel motivated and inspired by what you do, that’s a double bonus.”
Thank you so much for saying that! That really means a lot. I called him first thing and told him. Honestly I was in tears because I was thinking about how much he spent on me and helped me.
I am sure your kids love you. Sometimes it is hard to express it. For example, I would never tell him this. I would never tell him that what made me most happy was that he would be happy. Honestly, my biggest fear in the world was that he would die before I get into medical school. Of course I would never tell him this.
Same for your kids. I am sure they are motivated to succeed to make you proud. I know a lot of friends who are like me. They tell me, I want to get a PhD/Law/medical- school etc to make my parents proud. But they would never tell their parents that.
So their parents kind of think like you. They ask, ‘Do my kids really care for me’. Because their kids don’t do anything to show it. Just as I would never tell my dad that. But in reality their kids are working so hard mostly to please their parents. But they hide this, just as I hide this. I never told him how I feel once because that is just not something you do.
Same for your kids. I am absolutely sure they want to make you happy. I am absolutely sure they were motivated by you. But they don’t tell you.
Here is a trick you can do busdriver11. When you meet them in person, tell your kids that they make you very happy. Tell them that they make you proud and happy. I guarantee you, you will see them get emotional, probably cry. That will prove to you how much they really love you and are motivated by you. It is just that, they–like my friends and like myself–are really good at hiding it if you don’t bring it up
That’s sweet, turtle0099. I tell them that I am so proud of them, that I love them and that they make me happy quite often. They’re probably sick of it! My kids totally take me for granted, and that’s okay, because they are still kind to me, and nothing makes me happier than seeing them happy. They say a parent can only be as happy as their saddest kid, and my kiddos are on top of the world…so I am too!
My mom recently died, my dad died years ago. She lived on her budget and after a lot of wrangling she agreed to live in a ccrc. However, she assumed one of us would take her in. She had so many issues there was no way that was feasible. It wasn’t the money, it was how much support and help she required daily. It was way more than anticipated. I learned many lessons from it.
Hubby’s parents are younger and probably okay. We would support them if necessary.
The thing is, people try and assume how they will age and die and almost never does anyone plan to have to move from their home and accept help from caregivers. Most elderly don’t get it isn’t that one doctors appointment, it’s everything they need help with all day long. No one thing is a big deal, it’s the totality that is overwhelming. I can’t tell you how many times I hear that elderly will only let their family help, and they either don’t realize or care how hard it is on the family.
I intend to have places chosen where I’ll go when I can’t manage on my own.
My parents are gone, so no worries there. DH’s parents have more financial assets than we do, so no worries on that end. We have, however, told them and DH’s siblings that if needed, we would move back to the home state and live with the parents, if they needed us to. We are the only ones who have that flexibility. My in-laws are wonderful people and I certainly wouldn’t want them to struggle. Thankfully, they are both doing fine at this point.
I never supported my parents or helped them in any way. This is mostly because both of them died suddenly while still totally independent (at 75 and 83, respectively). And neither of them was broke. (I speak of them separately because they were divorced.) My husband didn’t do any eldercare, either, and inherited money from both of his parents (again, separately, because they were divorced).
My husband and I have a decent amount of money. It would take extremely unusual circumstances for us to run out of money before we run out of time. But what bothers me is that we may still be a burden to our kids – not financially but because we may need various types of assistance and care. I would be perfectly happy getting that care from people who are hired to provide it, but still, someone has to make the arrangements, and that involves a lot of work. Even if you live in a CCRC (which is what I want, but I don’t know if I can persuade my husband), a family member may need to become involved repeatedly as your needs evolve over time. I absolutely hate this prospect, especially since it’s likely to come up during a very busy period in my kids’ lives. But I see no alternative.
From the perspective of a "child of immigrants,"I wouldn’t say the idea of helping out my parents weighs on me. It’s something I hope to do as a gesture of gratitude.
Now my dad’s idea that we will all live together, with my husband and children, like one big happy family…lets just say that will remain his unfulfilled dream 