<p>It’s not a matter of being "afraid " of ones kids. Though, yes, that could happen too. It happens even in “good” families, and with “good” kids. Most of us are not so careful with our info that if our kids really wanted to steal the info, they could not. But, we just don’t make it too easy, too tempting, so that it can be so quickly done. Just like if anyone REALLY wanted to break into my house, they could. But I don’t leave the front door wide open. I don’t leave money lying on my kitchen counter, or pay stubs and other sensitive info around. It’s making sure that the info is given in measured doses as the kids become older and more responsible. There is always that risk, but when you are sending them off to an environment where they are going to be with like creatures indulging in all sorts of mind blasting activities that you may just not want to know all about and contemplating all kinds of things, and spending too much money, getting into fights with you, and having their moods jumping all over the place so that Bipolar dx could probably be made for most of these young adults as well as ADD and other nasties, and discussing how terrible you are, you don’t want them to have too much right at their finger tips.</p>
<p>You may end up with PLUS loan you didn’t take out, and after you paid the college full freight too.</p>
<p>^^^ Or an even less disturbing situation, where one of your kids is sitting around a with a group of friends who start discussing money and how much their parents make, their net worth, etc. If your kid doesn’t have this information, they will never be tempted to share it with others.
We are very much in InigoMontoya’s camp, in that we have a family trust and an arrangement that would have helped our kids if something were to happen to us. Now that they’re both on their own, I think they have a fairly good idea of Dh’s income and our assets from past discussions and their own knowledge of the world , but when they were growing up and in school, they did not, nor did they ask. </p>
<p>We have given our daughter increasing amounts of information about our finances (and other private family matters) over the years as she as she grew and matured, always with the understanding that it was private information not to be shared with others. Even when she was younger, she showed herself to be discreet; if not, I expect we would have held our cards closer to the chest. </p>
<p>We have two in college and both are full pay (so no FAFSA). We have not told them what our financies are other than to tell them we are in the 1%. My philospophy is that I will tell them if they ask and/or are curious, but otherwise they do not need to know. I also will disclose to them once they are mature enough or financially aware enough to become our estate executors. Until then they do not need the burden. </p>
<p>Imo, this isn’t about any ethics that say you “should” disclose everything by X age, nor some potential financial risk if they know some detail. It’s whether they need to know specifics (or which specifics) - or simply how to access that info, should the need arise. </p>
<p>In hs, what’s the point? In college- well, different kids develop this savvy at different times. Mine couldn’t even begin to fathom the breadth and depth of running a household before now, are now learning that and couldn’t have “taken over,” if there were a crisis. (Likewise, they couldn’t be expected to understand all the considerations re: our health and welfare, not in the ways another adult could.) They know our financial guy’s name and how to find his number. (And that he’s a friend who would advise them on all sorts of things.) Doctors’ names and how they could work with them, for decisions. They know my best friend who would guide them and be an emotional support- and I made it clear she should be their first phone call. They know the info is in that file cabinet, the range of bills and how they and important papers are organized. </p>
<p>For me, that’s the crux: you anticipate what you can, get things rolling, have the info accessible- and be able to discuss what the basics are (we have this insurance or that arrangement. Or, you’d need to decide this, but “that” is covered. ) Not that you have to tell them how much you earn or show them the taxes. Until they are ready and able. It’s step by step.</p>
<p>I have friends from all over the economic spectrum: from homeless to those who would never have to work a day in their lives if they didn’t want to. Parent finances have never, ever come up among us. Not once. I can’t imagine kids sitting around and talking about how much their parents make. It’s just a weird topic of conversation to me. </p>
<p>Like I said earlier, finances were never hidden from me. After my dad’s car accident when I was in middle school when he nearly lost his life, he became very concerned about making sure that I had the passwords for everything and knew where everything was and how to access it. I’ve never gone looking because, frankly, I don’t need to. </p>
<p>My sister is 5 years older than me and lived with her mom so my dad’s info wasn’t necessary for FAFSA. I don’t know how they worked that out because her mom is very, very guarded with personal info. She doesn’t have as much access to my parents’ info because she doesn’t care and isn’t close to us. </p>
<p>It’s a very individual thing how parents handle all personal information as their kids mature. Parents may feel one child is very discreet, while another might not be. There may be professional reasons discretion is important.
A lot of things influence how readily one might share financial info, and there is no universal right or wrong. Whatever works for the family works, imo. </p>
<p>As I said, my kids, myself, my husband, my brothers, most people I know did not have alot of interest in their parental finances until, unless it had to happen. I want to add that many young adults do go through a lot of bumps before getting themselves in some stable situation, and it’s common for them to mess up on their own financials, and hopefully gain some awareness and control in that area. To throw parental specifics at them is not something that happens often, IMO, and I wouldn’t do it without some special situation in place. Better to do a slow and steady feed, as the occasion warrents. There are plenty of things most parents are not doing as it is, in helping their kids transition into independence. I made a lot of mistakes, and am still making them. </p>
<p>Unfortunately with drug abuse and other issues that can occur, though not common, yes, I know parents who have had their kids steal from them. Some were blindsided and it could have happened to anyone. Some gave more info and detail than they should have that made it way to easy for them.</p>
<p>My husband’s one cousin never filled out a FAFSA or practically any form, until parent died. Then he had to step up and it did not take much to so, as he had no handicap that was an issue that area. Just no need. So all info is not necessary to give. I had all info and it just didn’t stick and I had to start from ground zero anyways. Better to keep things organized so that if anyone has to step in, they can more easily do it cold, then spending time telling your kid or whoever is going to handle your affairs all about it.</p>
<p>I think it’s important to differentiate between a child knowing how much their parents make and understanding the family budget. My kids have always understood the family budget. They understand that we are middle class and that we can afford some carefully picked out luxuries but not a lot of them. They understand that we pay for cable and phones, ect. We shop around for good prices. They understand that they choose between activities as opposed to assume that they are all possible. They learn about taxes and such with their own earnings.</p>
<p>To me, that’s really what a kid needs to know growing up… the family budget… understanding where they land on the spectrum. Knowing that they are pretty free to choose which cereal they want at any given shopping trip but must perhaps choose between a winter sport or a theatre class even if their friends take both. That’s quite different than needing to know the details of a parents income.</p>
<p>Seems like most of the parents who do not disclose much are concerned about kids’ “loose lips”, and/or are in high enough income and wealth ranges that need-based financial aid and net price calculators are irrelevant, but do not want to let the kids know how far beyond the “no need-based financial aid” threshold they are.</p>
<p>Perhaps of more concern is if the parent faces a conflict where the kid may have “loose lips”, but the income and wealth range is such that need-based financial aid and net price calculators are relevant to affording the kid’s college. The kid needs to know enough to be able to make a reasonable application list and avoid the affordability dilemmas posted here every April due to unclear (or overpromised) previous expectations on college cost matters. Perhaps the parent can do the net price calculators and tell the kid if each proposed college is affordable on need-based aid alone, but a really inquisitive kid could probably “reverse engineer” an estimate of parental income and wealth from the results.</p>
<p>A family isn’t “secretive” because they choose not to share financial details with their minor children. Parents are not “afraid of their kids” if they choose to keep certain financial information private, or even if they see there might be a potential problem down the line. Things that are not discussed are not necessarily “hidden.”
Good heavens, people, do we need to use such judgmental language even when discussing such an innocuous topic?</p>
<p>" I can’t imagine kids sitting around and talking about how much their parents make. It’s just a weird topic of conversation to me."</p>
<p>@romanigypsyeyes Well as a parent of a 7th grader I can tell you it is a topic of conversion in our Middle school. It may have to do with the area we live in or just that things are different than when you were younger. A lot of kids talk about how much allowance they get or what stuff they have. It just not like it used to be. Since we don’t want people knowing how much my husband makes our kids just keep quiet.</p>
<p>I was a public employee, so my salary was a matter of public record, and was actually published in the local newspaper every year, with my name! No secrets there! </p>
<p>We completed the financial aid application forms with our kids present. It wouldn’t have mattered anyway. They had their PINs so they could deal with their Direct loan MPN, and with that PIN, they had access to the completed FAFSA.</p>
<p>I’m sure they had a ballpark figure anyway. </p>
<p>Put me in the none of their business category. We’re full pay at college so no FA information. They see our lifestyle and hear me preach on living within your means and saving for the future. We live in a very well to do area at a private school with breathtakingly wealthy families and some very down to earth middle income earners and everything in between. Their needs are met, that’s all that matters right now. </p>
<p>We also own a business so money is a number a lot of times for us as a lot goes in and out. I really don’t feel like they need to be all that entwined. We have accountants and lawyers and they’re taken care of - let’</p>
<p>We’ve never gone over our finances in detail and thanks to a well- (or ill-) timed inheritance we’re full pay. I do remember at one point the kids asked over dinner how much we made and we told them. They thought it sounded like a lot of money - so then we told them how much we had to pay for the mortgage, taxes and utilities and they understood it was not so much after all. I think it’s good for kids to have a general idea especially as they get older. My younger son is job hunting now - and while he’ll probably take what he can get - it certainly would be nice if he had a general idea of what his expenses are likely to be. </p>
<p>I’m not worried about my younger son remember my SS #, he asks me what his is about once a month. He has no head for memorizing numbers. Older son has more money in his checking account than we do. They are both pretty frugal sorts - with their only vice being wanting good computers.</p>
<p>Related to this, my H and I periodically play the what-would-you-do-if-you-won-the-lottery (even though neither of us actually play the lottery) and we both agree that we wouldn’t tell anybody, not even our kids / parents, and we wouldn’t change our lifestyles dramatically. </p>
<p>We have very aggressive savings goals and I don’t want to be in a position of saying to my kids - yes, we make $X, but no, you can’t have (thing that we can, technically, afford) because we’re saving for the future. Not that either of them are “grabby” in that regard. But why put it out there? </p>