<p>RESPONSE TO THE OP: "So.... do your kids tell you their college grades? Not semester GPA's, but on an exam, paper, etc.?"</p>
<p>Answer: No. They never did. But we did receive the official grade reports at the end of every semester. That was enough. We didn't want to harass the kids, who had enough "expectations" pressure on them as it was.</p>
<p><a href="She%20is%20getting%20A's%20in%20Ochem%20now%20however-%20too%20bad%20no%20classes%20outside%20of%20Reed%20apply%20to%20GPA">i</a> *</p>
<p>Emerald: yay! and hugs to you and your daughter for all the stress of the past year. In the long run I suspect her resiliency and perseverence in the face of discouraging setbacks will stand her in wonderful stead in the "ultimate final exam of real life."</p>
<p>As someone who has served on graduate admissions committees in the past, I would give your daughter a LOT of credit for the tough row she has managed to hoe. Yes, we looked at GPA, but we also looked at trends in grades over time, at students who learned and grew from their setbacks, who wrote thoughtful essays reflecting on the lessons they had learned from their struggles, and who often went on to accomplish great things down the road.</p>
<p>Many great scholars themselves have very checkered undergraduate records. At the moment, I'm thinking of a ollege classmate who is now a distinguished historian, but who struggled mightily through much of her undergraduate career--and her grades reflected that. She did have an upward trend at the very end and she took off in grad school. Of course, there are countless other examples...if you read the autobiographies of great scientists, they are often full of struggles in school and college along the way.</p>
<p>And as a mom, I'd give YOU a lot of credit for supporting her through all of this!</p>
<p>Mie's also at MIT. He wasn't 'flagged' (meaning a failing or near failing grade 6 weeks into the semester), and my formerly 4.0 student was proud of himself for having passing grades in everything. He also said he's been above the class average on almost everything, which is encouraging for him, as he feared being at the bottom with all of the 'really smart' kids there. MIT doesn't send grades to parents. He said he offered to sign a release to send grades to us, but they said no. </p>
<p>In high school he shared all his grades, tests, papers, quizzes and projects. We share almost everything as a family, school work included. He's told us most of his grades; sometimes I ask, sometimes he offers. We only talk or IM once a week or so, so I don't always know what he's got going on, and I don't always ask.</p>
<p>He knows how much school costs us as a family (he has a little brother who will need college money too). He had some great scholarship offers from top schools but turned them down (with our blessing) to attend MIT. I do believe it's his desire to learn and do well that motivates him to get good grades, not the fear of failure. No one expects perfection. We trust him to perform at the level he's striving for, and also trust him to ask for help if he needs it.</p>
<p>We see our college soph's daughters midterm and end of quarter grades. Not a big deal, I know that she's working as hard as she can and SHE's the one that would be disappointed in anything below a B. She also has a merit scholarship tied to a certain gpa. She told me after her first year of college that she never realized how much harder she would have to work in college or how much harder she COULD work. She always hung around with the smart kids in high school, but in college she found out that she was a smart kid.</p>
<p>My kid lives in the house next door to you - ticklemepink - and I would never ask for her grades, but she tells me all the time. I am far, far more interested in what she is learning (some of which I wouldn't understand, however) than in her grades, and she knows it. And if she is only getting a bunch of A's, I would be very concerned that the courses are too easy. Among the reasons we liked Smith was for its academic rigor.</p>
<p>As far as I'm concerned, if a student hasn't taken a course where she is so challenged she doesn't get more than a C, she is missing a whole world out there.</p>
<p>Mini, good point. Also, somehow I feel, perhaps wrongly, so much less worried about grades the first year in college than I did throughout high school. It just seems that there is a little bit of room to breathe and become acclimated. I know that colleges often say they don't count high school freshman grades but somehow I didn't really believe it. I realize that graduate school and fellowships loom at some point, but even so, I am more concerned that my son be happy, finding friends, learning how to accommodate a demanding schedule on his own, learning how to live on his own, etc. And all of that seems to be happening so I am quite content not to know and not to be worrying about it.</p>
<p>And continuing on a more general point: I am so thoroughly enjoying having an adult son. I was a pretty hands-on mom with him, not like SOME around our area, but still very involved at least emotionally. But in my mind I always had it in mind that when they are 18 and leave for college (Mini, I know you haven't reached the former milestone yet), it was really time to hug them hard and let them go--always there to help, but celebrating their independence and the wonder of watching them create their own worlds. It has, so far at least, been a complete joy. I am so very happy for him and so proud of him! (still a member of the "they usually only call or write when they need something but still..." club)</p>
<p>( She is getting A's in Ochem now however- too bad no classes outside of Reed apply to GPA)</p>
<p><Emerald: yay! and hugs to you and your daughter for all the stress of the past year. In the long run I suspect her resiliency and perseverence in the face of discouraging setbacks will stand her in wonderful stead in the "ultimate final exam of real life."</p>
<p>As someone who has served on graduate admissions committees in the past, I would give your daughter a LOT of credit for the tough row she has managed to hoe. Yes, we looked at GPA, but we also looked at trends in grades over time, at students who learned and grew from their setbacks, who wrote thoughtful essays reflecting on the lessons they had learned from their struggles, and who often went on to accomplish great things down the road.></p>
<p>Thanks for the positive words.
I often don't feel like I know what I am doing, and I know I will have to relearn it all for the 2nd one since she is so different, but with winter quarter coming up, things are going much smoother.
D has been able to see her friends at college fairly often, either going down or them coming up at least once a month, and she has a job she loves working with kids ( where she went to elementary school which is great fun for her former teacher who is still there)
I was able to point out to her that life is full of challenges and that what is important is how we learn from them, not that it happened.
It is fun having an adult daughter, and considering that my sister who has a daughter the same age who is graduating from Colgate this spring, is also pregnant with her 5th child, I am so happy that I just have two! ( and they are pretty self sufficent)</p>
<p>mini: *Among the reasons we liked Smith was for its academic rigor.</p>
<p>As far as I'm concerned, if a student hasn't taken a course where she is so challenged she doesn't get more than a C, she is missing a whole world out there.*</p>
<p>I have fond memories of the C I got in first semester freshman English...and how hard I worked to get it. (Yes, there was a time and place where students had to struggle to pass freshman English. This was decades ago and the college was one that prided itself on grades that meant something--and a C was supposed to be a "creditable" grade. Indeed, there were professors who gave A's only once in a decade there.)</p>
<p>It wound up being the only C on my transcript. ThoughI realize in retrospect that I could have taken the course pass-fail, I'm rather glad I didn't. It gives my whole transcript "character" and makes the other grades look more impressive.</p>
<p>I agree heartily with mini--learning is much more important than grades. And it's healthy for students to feel that a C is not the end of the world as we know it, as long as the student worked hard, learned a lot, and enjoyed the process.</p>
<p>I did not track my kids' grades in college as I did in highschool. And actually, I was only focused on my boys' grades in highschool, as the girls worried enough about them and I knew they were doing the best they could and shared what was going on throughout the semester. I had to keep on the boys' cases if I didn't want them stuck at home the following year. They were not motivated to do well. Now with my freshman son at highschool, I am more relaxed, as again, I can see he is putting in the work and we have not received any interim reports or indications that he is having problems. When the highschool notifies me, it become my problem, is what I tell the kids, and when the problem is chronic, I feel like I need to be more vigilant in self defense.</p>
<p>However, I do feel that parents should get a copy of their kids' grades each semester, and should see what courses they are taking. It gives you some indication what is happening and if there are any problems. If your student is saying all is going rosy in school, and the transcript shows lots of C's,D's and W's and I's, there is a problem there that needs to be addressed beyond just the fact that he got those grades. Also if the student is terribly anxious but is doing just a tad lower or as well as he did in high school, it can be reassuring. It can give you some idea of what to day to them. Also, you might be able to give them some valuable advice. My son was going to take an Engineering course to fulfil a science requirement because it fit so well in his schedule, the room where the course met was right near his other courses, etc. But with his "D" in Calc, it would not have been such a wise choice, and he seemed oblivious of the connection. Where his advisor was, I don't know. He took Bio instead which he had always enjoyed in highschool and he had a good base in it. Since his overall grades were not that great, he needed to focus on his major courses and did not need another tough course against his grain at that time. Sometimes kids do not think of things like that. They'll take a course for all the wrong reasons or not consider a course that might be a better choice. And many times they will not get much advice from their advisors. I am not advocating picking their schedules or getting over involved, but just pointing out some issues as you let them make their own choices so that they can take into account some factors you noticed. </p>
<p>I advocate keeping in touch with their progress for the above reasons, because I feel all parents, even those whose kids have a full ride, should be involved. But I will also mention that at some of these schools with a $45K price tag, there is a financial stake there. I don't put $45 K of my money anywhere without an eye on my investment. If a kid is just blowing the year away, I would want to know about it. I know of an acquaintance whose kid dropped out one term, got a big refund of his parents' money and was living pretty well on it. The parents did not find out until a neighbor went to visit the college, was supposed to meet the kid for lunch, lost the kid's cell number and the meeting spot, couldn't get ahold of the parents, so they went to the college registrar for help only to find out the kid was not registered there. Another acquaintance found out at the end of the academic year that his kid had a 1.2 average at Cornell, and had not made a dent in his freshman requirements. Had they known sooner, some help, intervention might have been possible. </p>
<p>At some schools your student needs to fill out a form for you to get the grades. If the grades are mailed home, you should ask to take a look see. I don't advocated badgering them, but you should have some idea about what they are doing, how they are doing throughout the term. These are tough years for kids as they try to be on their own, and they may be having problems and need your help. And it is possible that things are not going very well.</p>
<p>There is another practical reason for keeping track of things -- assuring that your son/daughter is making normal progress toward graduation. Stuff happens sometimes including failing grades, dropping courses, or changing majors that may require students to go to summer school or extend their undergraduate study by a year. The advising systems at some schools leave a lot to be desired. So it behooves you to keep track of things, and this may mean that you need to see the grade report each semester.</p>
<p>My son had his grades sent home, with the understanding that this would decrease our need to ask how he's doing. Our daughter signed the form, too, without much thought about it. So we were able to track their progress periodically without hovering. And it did allow us an entree to making suggestions and some decisions such as support for study abroad.</p>
<p>Jamimom, I disagree with you but that's fine as parents we do what we believe is best and who is to say we are right. Your children and mine sound very different and therein probably lies the difference in our approaches.</p>
<p>In my view, some of this has to do with trust, and conveying to your children a few messages: (1) you are there for them if they are in trouble (2) it is now their life, and you trust them to do what (mine at least) have always done: be responsible and motivated and pursue their academic and non-academic passions and make choices about where to put their efforts; (3) they have a constitutional right to privacy (see Roe v. Wade et. al) (4) they, and only they, will have to live with the consequences if they are in trouble. I really love not looking over his shoulder, somehow--it lifts one of the many cloaks of responsibility I wear (3 children, 3 pets, 5 employees, about 50 clients....) and I think it gives him added confidence and self-esteem. JMHO.</p>
<p>Now. If I had a child who was scattered, or had learning issues, or had struggled with emotional challenges, etc., my philosophy and approach might be very different. Then, I might well have an agreement to see end of semester grades, not in an intrusive way, so that they know I cared? I could see that. It's just that for this child and this mom, this system feels good.</p>
<p>Each kid's and each family's situation with regard to this issue differs. The thought of making my D tell me her grades or asking her, has not come up. The reason is because she TELLS us because she WANTS to. It is not so much checking up on her as much as both our interest and care about her as well as her strong desire to share her life with us. I am not saying this circumstance is the one for everyone, it just is ours. I have not asked her any grades but she has shared each one so far pretty much. In fact, I recall a phone call one day this semester, where I was walking downtown in a small city when my D called my cell with enormous excitement and ethusiasm with "guess what MOM!, I am so happy I had to call you!" and she went on to tell me the grades she got on some initial papers she had gotten back in her first semester of college. She calls home about every three days and shares what is going on in her life at school, in all areas of college life. The sharing of how she is doing with grades is just one thing she chooses to share. So, it has not occurred to me to have to make her tell us or anything like that. We have always shared this stuff and taken an interest in these facets of their lives. Our only expectation is to do the best they can. </p>
<p>IF my D had not chosen to share her grades as she went along, I think that would be ok but I would want to see official semester report cards because it is a part of their lives I think parents should connect over and not in a threatening way but more out of care and interest in their lives. I can't imagine my kids telling me I could not see the report card so I don't know how I would feel in some situations described here. I think since we are supporting her education, it is reasonable to see reports from school over performance. Maybe it is because we don't have "threats" connected to performance, that this is a nonissue. I am not sure. Sharing grades and how school is going is how we have always done things so it really is a nonissue here. If I thought my child was not working up to his/her potential, I would talk about my expectations of improving or whatever the issue might be. </p>
<p>Susan</p>
<p>Patient, there are many parents I know who take your approach, and things are just fine. It is wonderful when it works that way. But sometimes something goes wrong even with a "perfect" child, and though not a failsafe indicator, the grades or class choices could be a clue to a problem that just might be nipped in the bud. Sometimes kids just don't know enough to ask for advice and go with what their advisor oks, and just a word or two from mom or dad could put a different perspective on things. And kids with great relationships are usually not loathe to share this info with parents anyways. Several parents I know got wind of situations that were easily fixable but could have been a real pain in the neck had they gone the wayside. And unfortunately, many mental amd emotional illnesses rear their ugly heads during those college years. It would really upset me if I found out that something that would have been so apparent had I seen the grades went hidden with dire consequences. I have, unfortunately seen it happen to kids who were unlikely candidates. </p>
<p>Now my boys were the type of kids that really did need to be monitored closely in high school, and I did keep my ears perked up when they were at college as well. My son who just graduated this year, probably would have needed an extra semester of college, if I had not intervened a few times on some choices or come up with some alternative ideas for him. They were not big deal interventions, just a few suggestions that no one thought about. And at $45k a year, that was a pretty big savings. My girls were borderline medschool candidates, and because I am fairly knowlegeable about college courses, professional school admission,etc, I was able to help them in many ways that tipped the balance a bit more in their favor. Without knowing their course selections and grades, I could not have helped them. </p>
<p>I will add that I did not have to strong arm any of them into sharing the info with me. I just made it a matter of course thing. Now had they strenuously objected to my getting any info at all, I don't know what I would have done. I would not have been happy with the situation. I don't think I would have trusted the boys, but I would have reluctantly let the girls have their privacy if they still felt that way after I presented my reasons why I should share in this part of college. But none of this came about as it was not a big deal thing to have the transcripts sent to me--don't even remember exactly how it was done with each kid. And it was a natural question to ask what course they were planning to take the following semester--it never got to the prying stage.</p>
<p>I am glad that your kids have done well on their own. Perhaps mine would have as well without my help. But I was fueling my own comfort level in making it my business to know what was going on as well as being a bit of protection if things started going wrong with the kids.</p>
<p>Thank you all. </p>
<p>Soozievt, see, I do want to brag about my grades because I worked hard for them and my professors were fair. But I'm just afraid of the pressure that my father will put on me if he doesn't think they're good enough. I'm very close to my mom. I would tell her my grades but then it's not fair to my dad. You know? So I don't tell both.</p>
<p>I do use them as a soundboard for course selections for next spring. </p>
<p>Turns out my college does sent reports home at the end of the semester. Not sure who they're exactly addressed to though- me or the parents. I'm going to have to find out (since I am going to be in Japan while they're being mailed home).</p>
<p>* But I'm just afraid of the pressure that my father will put on me if he doesn't think they're good enough.*</p>
<p>Oh dear, this is one of the reasons that I (with my instructor hat on) don't like giving grades when I'm teaching other people's children.</p>
<p>My heart goes out to you. Some parents do place a huge value on grades, sometimes all out of proportion to their true importance.</p>
<p>(My parents always downplayed grades. I gather it's because my dad, who was really quite intelligent and creative, had a rather checkered academic record himself. When we were in K-12, the only grades that mattered were our conduct and effort grades. As long as our teachers said that we were behaving and trying hard, they didn't care about the other grades we got. Of course, they were pleased when we did well in our academic grades, but they never gave us grief when things didn't go so well, as long as our teachers said we were behaving and trying hard. I remember that my parents would always take us out to dinner--a special treat as we never went out otherwise--to celebrate our report cards. But the only thing that would keep a sibling from getting to go was a poor grade in effort or conduct. And in college, I don't ever remember my parents asking for information about grades or complaining about that C in freshman English.)</p>
<p>It's great that you have such a close relationship with your mom and that you would feel comfortable sharing your grades with her. It sounds as though you are confident that she will agree with you that your grades are good. </p>
<p>I imagine that it is likely that your dad cares about you a great deal (even if he is demonstrating his concern in a way that I would not choose).</p>
<p>Because you feel so comfortable communicating with your mother, perhaps you could share your concerns with her and come up with a plan for coping with your dad's possible reactions to your grades. Perhaps he will be more understanding than you think. Perhaps you could enlist your mom's support in helping your dad to appreciatie that your grades do represent good work on your part.</p>
<p>Homeschoolmom gave you some excellent advice, Tickle!</p>
<p>Heh, as a high school senior, I'm already wondering about this... I've already had practice weaning my parents off hearing about every test, although they still ask sometimes, and I have to answer vaguely or they'll get used to details. ;)</p>
<p>I agree, Tickle. I do feel that your parents should see your semester grades, but you may want to work out how you share those grades with them. But the day to day, might not be so easy, as you will be doing so many different things at college, that having a formal grade report session every time you get a grade may not be very productive.</p>
<p>My girls will probably tell me. They volunteer almost everything now, as freshmen, both good and bad, and at that stage my son was already pretty much saying nothing.</p>
<p>My son is just much more private and I feel that it is important to respect that. In high school, he very seldom told us anything either good or bad. Definitely not perfect, no one is, but just never a problem child. And as best as I can remember, I really didn't ever think to tell my parents my grades either--which were always fine. I'm trying to think back about why I didn't tell them. I think I was just more focused on emotional/social/fun things and that is what I told them about, I'm pretty sure--also ideas and courses and trips to museums and so on. </p>
<p>Again, I can see that it depends a lot. As it always does.</p>