Dropping Out?

Prep School Admissions Prep School Parents
1

<p>I am a rising junior who has recently completed his first year at a BS. I like my school very much. The education is top notch, and I enjoy learning. The people are generally much smarter, more interesting, and more passionate than your average sheep. I'm also doing well academically; socially, I'm contented with the paucity of companions I've made, which, given my anti-social, misanthropic personality, is remarkable.</p>

<p>However, since I'm an abysmally lazy and (a)pathetic teenager with an unrivaled dearth of motivation for college and life in general, I feel uncomfortable being at an elite boarding school and seeing my peers trying so hard. It's like, it is mandatory for me to accomplish something amazing with my life to match the prestige of my prep school or something. I only want to live an average life. This is also why I don't want to strive for admission to an elite college, after which I will feel even more pressured to do something worthy of the education I have been privileged enough to receive. </p>

<p>So upon dropping out, I can basically proceed to throw my life away and stuff, without guilt. Not trying makes me feel better because I will not feel compelled to blame myself for failing to live up to the immense opportunities that have been given to me. </p>

<p>I don't know, having a good job after attending a good college is indubitably nice, but I'm not sure if it's worth the efforts and risks of failure + disappointment. I don't even know what I want to become in the future.</p>

<p>Am I just scared? Should I start convincing my parents to let me drop out?</p>

2

<p>You’ve said so yourself: You’ve “liked your school very much,” have met a ton of great people, and have done well socially and academically… So why would you want to deprive yourself of something that can only be good for you?</p>

<p>You shouldn’t hold yourself up to what you think society expects you to do. Both you and your peers at boarding school have been given this great opportunity, but now it’s YOUR turn to decide what to do with it. That decision is entirely up to you; your peers may choose a different path, but that doesn’t mean it has to be yours.</p>

<p>Saying that, you should never want to throw your life down the drain: you have your whole life ahead of you. If you feel that you don’t have a purpose, CREATE ONE. Find your passion and pursue it. You have the rest of high school, college, and really your entire life to find and pursue it… so don’t feel like your life is over if you haven’t found “it” yet.</p>

3

<p>“You shouldn’t hold yourself up to what you think society expects you to do.”</p>

<p>That’s precisely my dilemma. Actually my goal is to get a full ride at a crappy state university by having a 3.5 GPA and 2100 SAT, both of which are absurdly easy to get. After that I will just get an average job and move on with my life. But my parents will obviously be averse to this path of mine, and my over-achieving prep school friends will think I’m foolish or something. Getting into a state university will also defeat much of the purpose of attending a prep school, and I don’t like the idea of me throwing opportunities down the drain, lol.</p>

<p>How do people find their passion I don’t even know.</p>

4

<ol>
<li><p>I taught for many years at an elite college and went to and continue to do admissions interviews for an even more elite college. BELIEVE ME, lots and lots of kids ( who get in and go to these schools), don’t have a passion. Some kids do, some kids pretend they do, but lots of kids don’t. Some end up finding one in college, some don’t. Your perception that all your peers have one and that’s what you need to get something out of school (or get into the next school) is wrong. It’s just EASIER if you have one.</p></li>
<li><p>Even for kids with a passion, it doesn’t mean they’ll stick with it. And lots of people who go to excellent schools don’t live extraordinary lives (right now I’m staying at home with my kid, despite my amazing schools and Ph.D.)</p></li>
<li><p>All of which brings us to the main point: you need to stop believing your education is only about the next step. Even if you never work a day in your life, your education won’t be a waste. Even if you go to a mediocre college-- or no college-- your current education won’t be a waste. Those smart and interesting people you say you’re with, those academics you’re succeeding at, are giving you the ability to think about and analyze everything and everyone you encounter in life differently. You’ll enjoy those insights and interests always-- whatever you end up doing or not doing with them. Maybe you’ll have a fascinating career, maybe you’ll find a passion-- or not. Hopefully you’ll be a good person and hopefully what you’re learning will help you find things to enjoy in life. But your education will NOT be a waste.</p></li>
<li><p>It sounds like maybe part of this is a fear of failure. But it doesn’t sound like you’re failing now, right? You’re just worried you’re GOING to fail something you haven’t even gotten to yet— based on what you’re imagining others people’s expectations for you are. If you love what you’re learning now, that is the gift your family has given you, and it will NOT be a waste. Don’t focus so much on the future. Maybe you’ll find a passion in college, maybe after, maybe never-- but that’s not failing–and whatever you do, your BS education won’t be a waste.</p></li>
</ol>

5

<p>I think you’re a little early with the existential crisis some insightful, intelligent students confront, usually in college. </p>

<p>First, you seem pessimistic, a “glass half empty” type, but able to point out good things about your life. So, accept that you take a darker view of the future than may be warranted. Try to find humor in it. I recommend despair.com.</p>

<p>Second, find an adult to talk with, who is not a relative. A minister or rabbi, if you are religious. If not, a therapist. [Find</a> a Therapist, Psychologist, Counselor - Psychology Today](<a href=“Find a Therapist, Psychologist, Counselor - Psychology Today”>Find a Therapist, Psychologist, Counselor - Psychology Today) </p>

<p>Third, try to get a job this summer which involves physical labor. If you’ve had the high-pressure childhood so many of my children’s peers have had, life may have been a series of high pressure academic activities, interspersed with sports camps and community service. Try working at an ice cream shop, or as a bus boy, or stocking shelves. If it’s hard to find paid work (and it can be this year!), volunteer to help senior citizens with household chores, such as weeding gardens or doing grocery shopping. In other words, work at something which uses your body, not your mind.</p>

<p>Fourth, in the coming year, be certain to visit the “crappy state universities.” Pay particular attention to opportunities within your major, honors colleges and the like. Some of the full-pay scholarships are amazingly generous. Graduating without debt will put you on a good road to the future. </p>

<p>Fifth, consider a semester at Milton Academy’s Mountain School, [The</a> Mountain School, a coed semester school for high school juniors on a farm in Vershire, Vermont.](<a href=“http://www.mountainschool.org%5DThe”>http://www.mountainschool.org).</p>

<p>Sixth, try talking with your parents. Don’t start the conversation with, Mom, I want to drop out! That probably won’t go too well. Print out your first post, and ask them to read it first? You are assuming they feel only one way about your experience. Don’t assume you can conclude their priorities until you talk with them, which I know is difficult. </p>

<p>Seventh, who’s a success? I think only our descendants can really judge. You haven’t left school yet–don’t give up! But don’t feel you have to be a rocket scientist/cancer curer/president to be a success. Most people these days change their career several times. The future is uncertain for everyone, and that’s a good thing.</p>

6

<p>We always tell our child that working hard now simply gives her more choices later. You don’t have to know what you want to do at such a young age, but you need to realize that the more you do now, and the harder you work, the more choice you will have WHEN YOU FINALLY DO decide what path you want your life to take. </p>

<p>So - don’t give up now. Even if your goal is to be an “average joe”, get as much done now so that you won’t have to repeat or backtrack in the event you change your mind or get motivated later in life. </p>

<p>It is much easier to slog through now, rather than realize later, that you wish you had done (fill in the blank). </p>

<p>Finally, if attending a state school, and having a “regular” life will truly make you happy, then why care what prep school friends think?</p>

7

<p>converge12 - I’m sorry you’re in a pretty deep “funk” right now - not a pleasant place to be. But I think you need to quit “navel-gazing” and look outside yourself for some answers: </p>

<ul>
<li><p>try to cultivate a “grateful” perspective versus a “woe is me” perspective. The best way to do this is to physically venture outside your “comfortable” world, and get some experience with how other people in our first-world country live their lives. Find someplace to volunteer in a physical, face-to-face way (stocking supplies in a community food pantry,helping build a Habitat for Humanity house, volunteering with an organization that does simple handy-man chores for the elderly, delivering Meals on Wheels, tutoring elementary-age kids enrolled in a low-income school district’s summer program - the list of organizations that need help is endless).</p></li>
<li><p>for now, just think about the “now” - don’t stress yourself out about what you’re going to do for the rest of your life. What are you going to do NOW? The only way to discover a passion is to get out there and TRY NEW THINGS. Is there anything you’ve ever wanted to learn or do, but just haven’t had the time or courage to try? Get out there and try it: learn to play the piano or the harmonica or the kazoo, grow your own tomatoes or orchids, teach yourself to cook Indian food or bake bread, or make the most awesome cupcakes ever created. It doesn’t really matter WHAT you try - just make a commitment to yourself to do something new or challenging or even scary every day.</p></li>
</ul>

<p>Finally, I believe that each and every one of us is on this planet for a reason, and there’s no guarantee that we will ever truly know exactly what that is. Very few people go on to “greatness,” as defined by those who consider fame, or wealth, or breakthrough inventions and discoveries to be “greatness.” But we all have the capacity to make a real, important and significant difference in the world - and that starts by focusing on the needs of others rather than the needs of ourselves. Funny, but our own needs tend to get met when that is the approach to life you take.</p>

<p>Wishing you all good things. Please check in now and then and let us know what you’re doing with your time this summer.</p>

8

<p>Here is my motherly advice, having a son who reminds me somewhat of you and given with much affection even though I don’t know you, b/c you had the guts to be brutally honest and ask for advice. I find that hugely admirable.</p>

<ul>
<li><p>Do not drop out. Being relatively happy at your school is HUGE. Get a good education while you can. Even if you don’t work that hard, you’ll probably still get more out of where you’re at than you would at a “lesser” school, even if it’s just at the happiness level. The idea is sort of - if it’s not broken, don’t fix it. I would challenge you on the idea that what’s broken is you not maximizing the opportunity. See next point…</p></li>
<li><p>Try to stop feeling guilty for the opportunities that you have been given. I’m not sure why, but you seem to have a lot of present and future guilt :slight_smile: . Someone suggested talking w/ a counselor type (not parent) person. I think this would be a good idea, esp. to try to deal w/ this guilt.</p></li>
<li><p>I hear a lot of fear of failure, even if failure just means disappointing others. If you could talk to your parents about not wanting to disappoint them, I think that would be good. But some parents aren’t exactly receptive… so it may be that you just have to chart your own course, even if it appears to be an underwhelming one based on the “others”, and follow it. These kinds of decisions are part of growing up and are hard, but I suspect you can do hard things. :slight_smile: </p></li>
<li><p>In theory I agree w/ all the people who said go do something, esp. for others, but I know for my son, that wasn’t helpful advice. What he needed (he’s 19 now) was to see that his life was HIS to create (as someone else said more eloquently) and he began to work on himself so that he could become more like the person he wanted to be. </p></li>
</ul>

<p>I think it’s wonderful that you are such a thoughtful person at such a young age. I think people like you are often happier in the “adult” world and really find their grove AFTER high school. Dare I say, it gets better?</p>

9

<p>Regardless of what you decide…In the end, no matter what you do, having a work ethic or at least learning to work hard when you must will only help you. There is NO downside to getting those skills.</p>

<p>T</p>

10

<p>I hear you. I didn’t know what it was all about until I was much older. I now feel more motivated and smarter than most of my peer group although I was clueless growing up. The advice I would give based on my experience and my status as a parent is that you never want to be older (like me) and think “what if”. What if I had pushed myself? What if I hadn’t slacked in History? What if I had tried out for that sports team? It feels terrible, I know because I feel that way almost everyday because I am surrounded by people who have the pedigree but not the brain cells that I do. But it doesn’t even matter. You can tell yourself that you are more accomplished or smarter or more whatever but at the end of the day it is a bitter, very bitter pill to swallow. I know you feel as if you are giving up and playing their game. The reality is that it is always someone else’s game. Learn NOW to play it, master it and I promise you it wont be as bad.</p>

11

<p>It sounds like you are feeling the pressure to measure up to the expectations of others. I remember at BS sitting through chapel talks and assemblies listening to graduates talk about ways they had changed the world, how they were fulfilled and challenged in life, etc and wondering why I didn’t feel any passion to change the world. My school had a history of graduates going into public service of some sort and I just wanted a regular job. Fast forward 30 years and I found myself going back to school to get a master’s degree in special education and teaching in an inner city school where I make a real difference in the lives of others on a daily basis. You have a long life ahead of you and will likely change careers a few times. There is nothing wrong with choosing a state school and attending one will not define your future just as attending an ivy league college won’t guarantee you “success”. As a parent I would be pleased that you have friends and that you are happy - that’s it.</p>

12

<p>Thanks everyone for the pieces of advice. I guess I should not drop out because I do value education and don’t want to compromise my future educational prospects. The hardest thing would now be letting my parents know I will neither be attending Harvard nor make $34534643 a year after graduating. </p>

<p>I’m already seeing a shrink, though not for this issue. And talking to my parents is out of the question. They want me to be a doctor or something, whereas I think I’m best suited for an engineering career (which my parents are averse to, claiming engineers are currently faced with high unemployment rates). And the colleges that my Dad knows of are literally Harvard, Yale, Stanford, and MIT, since we’re from a small country in Asia, and I’m the first one in my family to study in the USA. So I guess where I’m going to college doesn’t matter because he’s not going to be cognizant of its relative prestige anyway (I’m going to Lawrenceville, and he doesn’t know what Princeton is). </p>

<p>@Daykidmom: I guess. . .But for the kids that don’t have a passion, what exactly is propelling them forward? I don’t understand why people appear blithe and happy all the time.</p>

<p>@Periwinkle + mountainhiker: a physical job sounds rejuvenating. I’ve never thought about that. I’ll see what I can do this summer :D. </p>

<p>@london: I don’t know. I care little how people perceive me, but I just hate being pitied. I don’t want them to think I’m not capable, because it is MY decision not to strive for a Wall Street, opulent life.</p>

<p>@mountainhiker: I’m trying everything in sight and quitting after 2 days. I don’t know what to do anymore. The only things that I find enjoyment in are movies and music, and meddling with my guitar. Which are totally useless. </p>

<p>@PurpleFever: Heh, my parents aren’t exactly receptive, I think. Their children’s lives are never the kids’ to create. They consistently with what my brother wants to do even though he’s 30 years old. Now they want me to become a doctor or a pharmacist or something because they say job demands for engineers are low. I do hope I’ll be happier as a grown up like you said though.</p>

<p>@Peteri: As bad as those “what if” questions is the acknowledgement that you can’t live up to what is expected of you, I think. My parents are, to quote their words, “investing” by sending me to study abroad. I appreciate their gift, but it sucks not being able to reciprocate the favor.</p>

<p>@Ironmom: When did your passion to change the world begin to take shape? I can’t help being egocentric; doing community service does zero thing to my lack of conscience. It sucks, but I just don’t know how to be sympathetic and compassionate.</p>

13

<p>How much does a ■■■■■ make per year? I’m talking one who’s committed to the craft. There might be a future in that.</p>

14

<p>D’yer Maker +1</p>

15

<p>I’ve been there with you from post one, D’yer and ThatcherParent.</p>

16

<p>We probably make 8 posts and a boatload of attention/day?</p>

<p>Take this as a ■■■■■ post if you want. I have no intention to spend time convincing people who don’t understand to understand.</p>

17

<p>So okay, I’ll bite and take this seriously. Well, if I take you at face value, you’re an “abysmally lazy teenager…with a dearth of motivation…who only want[s] to live an average life.” Your thoughts about jobs involving physical labor are that it sounds “rejuvenating.”</p>

<p>While all teenagers tend naturally toward navel gazing, you’re taking self-centeredness and over-privilege to new levels. ■■■■■ is actually the kinder judgment a parent can make here. Think beyond yourself for a minute to how offensive your post might sound to people who don’t get to choose to throw their “pathetic, average” lives away.</p>

18

<p>@classicalmama: How am I supposed to change the way I think? I try hard to relate to people, but I can’t comprehend why they feel a certain way toward a certain situation. My shrink says I’m not capable of sympathy. Every time I gaze outside of my navel, I see humanity as a joke–a homogenous mess. Every time I try to assimilate myself to my surroundings, I feel miserable for not being myself and having to become a sheep to be with the sheep. What the heck could I do to compromise?</p>

<p>To be frank, I don’t think I’m fit to deserve all these opportunities. Sure, I’ll gladly give my pathetic, average life away to people who want it. Wanna swap place? Do I have to kill myself to make that happen? lol.</p>

19

<p>Getting back to this thread after a bit of time to chill. I also just read your other posts and realize that you’re dealing with being gay in what sounds like might be an unwelcoming family situation. Remembering my lesbian sister at that age (who’s now, fwiw, in a longterm married relationship with two kids, good work, and loving family and friends), I’m feeling a bit more tolerant of your self-absorption than I was a couple weeks ago. </p>

<p>That said, the navel gazing/sessions with a shrink are clearly not making things better. If you were my kid, I’d get you out there doing something useful for other people, without a thought to anything but its usefulness. Mowing lawns for older neighbors, mopping floors in a rest home, babysitting particularly difficult kids whose parents need a break all come to mind. Not for something “different” or “rejuvenating.” You need to be busy. And too tired to think so much. </p>

<p>But when you do think…As far as feeling sympathy goes, it’s not really necessary. You’re right–you can’t comprehend how or why people feel or act the way they do. You’re right that looking at the whole,things seem pretty much a big, hopeless mess; it doesn’t follow that everyone is a mess or a sheep. I don’t care whether you can see the good or the value in another person; you can accept that just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean that that other person doesn’t do something of value or live a meaningful life. Even the most empathetic people in the world don’t have a window into someone else’s soul. So maybe start by accepting your complete ignorance about others, yourself, work, school, your surroundings. Then start trying to unravel the mystery, always remembering that when you think you’ve got it all figured out, at best what you’ve probably found is just one piece to the puzzle. </p>

<p>That knowledge is what a good prep school/college will give you, if you drop the weary arrogance and accept that there’s a lot you don’t know. As we regularly say to our kids, People are complex. All people, not just you.</p>

20

<p>Converge12s post is one of the best humorous posts I’ve seen on the prep school thread; and notice it’s aimed squarely at prep parents. Better than a ■■■■■, really, it’s a parody.</p>

<p>The makings of a great writer. JD Salinger for sure.</p>