<p>DS has always been an advanced student, done exceedingly well in all classes and been in the Excel program offered by the public school. Now in 8th grade, he decided to apply to a couple of prep schools. Suddenly he is barely passing two of his classes and confessed to me that he is feeling the pressure of applying and feeling very overwhelmed by the whole process. I told him that we will do everything possible to help but that he has to basically pull himself together and get his grades up or he won't get in. He is very involved in sports and going to one of these schools could mean a lot to him from that perspective as well. I don't want him to blow it over fear. What can I/we do to help and encourage him without putting too much pressure on!!!</p>
<p>Are you sure he really wants to go? If he truly does want to go I would be very cautious about which schools he applies to so that he doesn’t end up in a total pressure cooker.</p>
<p>Have you visited schools yet? I think for a lot of kids the idea of prep school can be a little daunting but visiting the schools can help gel for them if it’s something they really want.</p>
<p>
OK. Step back a moment and ask yourself some questions.</p>
<p>1) What is the objective in pursuing these 2 particular schools:
- Is it prestige?
- Greater academic standard?
- The boarding experience?
- Social grooming opportunities?
- Networking potential?</p>
<p>No doubt there are more than 2 prep schools out there that offer his sporting interests. Has he selected 2 insanely selective schools? If so, then he should widen his pool of schools. Believe it or not, there are schools besides Andover & Exeter that can fulfill these objectives. We have a list of 11 schools that we are evaluating. We expect to cull the list down to around 6 that DS will actually apply to-- this is in spite of his older brother already being in a selective school.</p>
<p>His stress is self-imposed if he is limiting himself to considering only 2 schools.</p>
<p>2) Does he have a reasonable fall-back option if he is not admitted? </p>
<p>Can he just continue in his present school system and pursue his sports? If so, then you can point out to him that it won’t be the end of the world if he isn’t admitted. </p>
<p>Plenty of kids don’t go to prep schools and then continue on to college, get a job, get married, have kids, and pretty much have a life.</p>
<p>^^ One assumes that this “DS has always been an advanced student, done exceedingly well in all classes and been in the Excel program offered by the public school”, is the reason for applying.
And by this “decided to apply to a couple of prep schools”, I, for one, assume a couple as in a handful, not just two.<br>
Lets not stone the new Op here, since we are here to help.</p>
<p>I’m with mom of 7th grader. This might be a sign that a part of him knows he’s not quite ready to leave home yet. My kid told me–when he was 16–that he thinks it probably would have been easier to go to prep school at that age. He was extremely homesick for a good piece of his freshman year, and while everything worked out well in the end, it was really, really hard on all of us. If you let him know that it would be okay to put off applications for a year, I wonder how he’d respond?</p>
<p>I guess in part I am saying what classicalmama and momof7th said in a different way. The sudden under-performance is not typical for kids who are motivated to or look forward to attending a great school. On the other hand, IMO, there’s a possibility that he is actually “overwhelmed”. I’d dig a little deeper and find out what exactly is causing the stress. If you are indeed “overwhelming” him with too much work, unload. His main job at this point is to do well at school, and ace SSAT if he hasn’t yet. If that means he needs to be a little less involved in extracurricular activities, so be it. Stop worrying about the applications all together. Wait till after the finals to start working on them. Good luck!</p>
<p>Thanks everyone for replying. It is actually only 2 schools that he is applying to and the reason is because they are within driving distance to us. We are not okay with him going away to boarding school. It’s not that I think there is anything wrong with that for whoever is comfortable with it, believe me, but DH and me are not ready for that. I don’t think that DS is either but even if he was, it’s not okay with us. Figure we only have 4 more years with him and then he’s off to college. Can’t stand to think of him going away next year at 14! Part of me thinks that he is trying to sabotage it but the question is why? Last year he was convinced that this is what he really wanted to do and he was very motivated. He did admit to me that he is feeling like he is unworthy of going. I think part of it might be that he knows that a lot of the kids that go to these schools come from wealthy families. We are very middle class and he can only go if he gets financial aid or a full scholarship and he is aware of this.
I really don’t know what to do. I had a big talk with him and tried to make him feel better. He has always had the rep of being the “smartest kid in school” and has always been proud of his academic achievements but maybe now he is feeling like it won’t be enough since he will be going against the brightest and best from all over the United states. We have told him that he is of course more than good enough to go but have also warned him that he will be up against tough competition-not to upset him of course but just to let him know that he needs to really work for it. Maybe it would’ve been better to just stroke his ego and not emphasize the competition…I don’t know. But I know that it will be heart breaking for him to blow it. He is a super nice kid who gets along with everyone, is involved with sports and music and extracurricular academics when given a chance. (like robotics and math olympiads) I am lost as to what to do.</p>
<p>To the person who asked if he can continue with sports and all if he stays where he’s at in the public school, well the answer is yes but he plays hockey and the HS team is very mediocre at best, there is only one team (not varsity and JV) and he won’t have the opportunity that he could have going to a prep school. Academically it’s an okay school but obviously can’t compare to a good prep school.</p>
<p>Well, first, best to keep comments about parents who are comfortable about letting their kids go to boarding school to a minimum on this board, which is, after all, primarily made up of parents who have made that very choice. Very few of us are “comfortable” with it–at least at first-- and we all miss our kids a LOT (read these boards and that will come out loud and clear). Just like every parent, we do what we need to do for our kids.</p>
<p>However, back to the matter at hand…yes, I think that at this stage stroking his ego is exactly what you need to do. Less talk of the competition and more talk about why he’s a great fit for those schools is what he needs to get the interview done, grades up and SSATs aced. If you’re worried about heartbreak (definitely a reasonable worry), then most people here would tell you to look for good schools within driving distance that are not as competitive as the schools to which he’s applying but that would still be better than his public school. Cover him by casting a wide net, not by pressuring him to work harder. My kids worry more about disappointing ME than just about anything else, and I always have to check myself when it comes to the line between encouragemet/high expectations and pressure.</p>
<p>One thing that really resonated with my son was the idea that he’d be able to learn from the other smart kids at a prep school. We focused a lot on how a prep school was going to overall have more of a learning environment, with more exchange of ideas in classes, projects, etc. Our son had always been the “smart kid” at his small middle school, and while he didn’t mind being that one that was always helping out his friends, I think he could understand that he might gain a lot from being in classes with other similarly smart kids. So more of an emphasis on cooperative learning, rather than emphasis on the fact that he might not measure up to those kids. I’d also emphasize any interesting opportunities that the prep schools have that his school wouldn’t – clubs, advanced classes when he gets older, etc.</p>
<p>And you should reassure him that he is not competing with kids from all over the country - since he is applying to be a day student he will be competing against local kids for a day student spot.</p>
<p>ClassicalMama, I really meant it when I said that in no way shape or form do I judge sending your kid away to a prep school in a negative way. I honestly have no feelings of it being wrong at all or anything like that. and I was thinking after I posted that, that maybe we are being selfish not letting him apply to prep schools that are further away. We are in New England so there is a ton of them within a two hour drive. I just can’t stand the thought of not seeing him everyday. Period. He wanted to apply to Andover and I said no for that reason. (flame suit on now)
Thank you to everyone for the advise on how to approach the part of him that might be feeling overwhelmed or unworthy, etc. I always think I have this great relationship with my son and he’s so easy to talk to that sometimes I talk to him like he’s really an adult and can understand exactly how the world is because he’s always been very mature minded (as I am sure many of your kids are) but the truth is, that he is still only 13. I have been thinking about expanding the search a little but it is very very limited within any reasonable amount of driving.</p>
<p>So are you saying that as a “day” student he is only up against other local kids and not the kids from all over?</p>
<p>Exactly…every school seems to have a certain percentage of students it takes every year from the local area. The local area, of course, extends in all directions, but still, it’s not the whole U.S. If you check the school’s profile you’ll see what that percentage is. </p>
<p>No worries about the boarding school thing…just trying to head off potential flames (though we’re a very civil bunch these days 
) Every child in every family is different. And I know what you mean about how easy it is to forget sometimes that these smart mature kids are, in fact, just 13…or 14…or 17 even, and don’t process the future the way we do.</p>
<p>Thanks Classicalmama. This whole process has/is a lot to go through for both of us -meaning myself and DS. I think maybe we just need to breathe and relax a little and like you guys were saying…just make him feel good and confident again so he can ace the SSAT’s and the interviews. By the way, what is the consensus on how to prepare for the SSAT’s? Someone that works at admissions at one of the schools told us not to bother making him study and that it only adds pressure, etc. But I know that a lot of people do study for them so will it put him at a disadvantage not to? He has a study guide book which he has used a couple of times for a couple of hours but just not sure if I should push that or not? I mean, I know he can retake if he does really badly. He usually tests very high but he’s never taken this kind of test before-where the answers are meant to be tricky.</p>
<p>Took me a bit to understand, but I think I got it - he will be applying as a day student to a prep school, and is currently in 8th grade and just starting applications.</p>
<p>“Barely passing 2 courses” is a HUGE red flag, not just for prep school, but for your previously “top of the class” student! Perhaps meeting ASAP with the involved teachers would be helpful, is he blowing off the work? Could it be depression, or drugs? Is he too overcommitted? New girlfriend?</p>
<p>Until the current school failure gets worked out, I would put prep school on a way back burner. He could always consider it for 10th grade if things settle down this year.</p>
<p>I hear you. And he may just have to wait-not sure yet. I did email both of the teachers yesterday and haven’t heard back yet but he doesn’t have them until tomorrow so maybe they are waiting to talk to him? I was fantasizing about marching into the school and waiting all day if that’s what it takes to see each teacher face to face to get a take on what they think is going on. Definitely not depression or drugs. Over-committed is possible but this year is not very unlike the past couple as far as work load-maybe a bit more. He has been more interested in girls but not to the point that he is obsessed with anyone or anything like that although it could be that sex is on his mind. (stupid hormones!) He is definitely blowing off the work but the big question is why? Hence, getting back to my original worry. “What is going on with him?” I guess I won’t have a better idea until I talk to the teachers…</p>
<p>Take a minute and breathe here. You have lots of options at this point. For example, he could always wait a year to apply as either a tenth grader or repeat ninth grader (my kid turned 15 the week before he started ninth grade and he says he’s always been about the middle of ages in his class). Maybe it would be best to just warm up to the process this year–tour every school within comfortable driving distance, have him email/meet some coaches, take an SSAT for practice (the best way to see if he needs to study or not), and just let him get a little older. As a bonus, older can be better when it comes to prep school hockey ice time.</p>
<p>I second classicalmama’s advice to slow down. If he is barely passing 2 courses, I’d want to decompress him. Consider applying next year. Go to the open houses, take your time learning about the various options, and consider adding a couple of back ups, if you think local public school is a poor option. A few practice SSAT’s will also give him a better sense of where he would be both challenged and successful.</p>