<p>Can someone please critique this essay? I'm worried that it's not personal enough, and is too much like a subject paper (i.e. - the 2nd paragraph). Also, I don't think the "message" is strong enough. Did you see it as bs too? </p>
<p>Thanks for your time.</p>
<pre><code> SLIDE! SLIDE! I shout, seconds before a faceless adversary unleashes a small rubber ball that can make me or break me. One second becomes half an hour, and for just a moment, the only two people in the universe are the shooter and myself. With no other goal in mind than to protect the sacred ground behind me, my body becomes a human shield that could stop a train or truck without fear of injury. Teammates, opponents, coaches, fans, grass, dirt, sky - all are transformed into an ambiguous blur of non-distinction. He shoots. And in the blink of an eye, its over.
Exhilarating, brutal, and exhausting, playing in a lacrosse game is like fighting in a war. In fact, lacrosse was originally played by various Native American tribes, and was often used as a way to train men for real combat, or as a method of solving disputes between tribes. Each game was a battle, and every goal was paid for in blood, sweat, and tears. As such, it should come as no surprise that lacrosse is one of the most physically and mentally challenging sports of our time. As a goalie, however, I inherently face a much different range of obstacles.
My job is stop a hard rubber ball traveling upwards of 90 mph from less than 20 feet away with minimal protective gear - and thats the easy part. Its not the physical act of making a save thats so difficult, but the mental preparation and execution that goes into it. Excellent goal-tending requires more than excellent athleticism; a good goalie must also be a good leader, both vocally and by example. Through my experiences, I have found the three most vital ingredients for success in goal to be confidence, concentration, and communication. The development of these attributes has led me to success not only in lacrosse, but also in many other areas of life.
Music is one of those areas. One aspect of music that I am involved with is playing the cello in the school orchestra. Although not readily apparent to most, Ive found that there is a strong correlation between my positions in lacrosse and orchestra. As the first chair, it is my duty to communicate with my section, and make sure that everyone is always on the same page (literally and figuratively). I must have confidence in both myself and my fellow players, so that we can perform well as a unit. Most importantly, I must have the concentration necessary to lead not just the other cellists, but the entire orchestra.
I have been playing both goalie and cello for almost half of my life, and each has played an important role in shaping my personality and character. While the two worlds of music and athletics rarely meet, it is with one foot in each that I have been made aware of the similarities between the two, including leadership, trust, and teamwork. I know that the combination of these two experiences has created a strong foundation of character on which I can only build upwards.
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