<p>I TOOK INTO CONSIDERATION EVERYTHING THAT WAS SAID: THIS IS MY FINAL EDITING THANKS</p>
<p>Distinguished, dignified, life full of dynamism is only the few words that could describe a sixty seven year old man that had a significant impact on my life. Before meeting Ronald Hall, motivation and maturity of life was clearly non-existent. At first sight he did not appear to be the typical sixty seven year old man, instead he appeared to be well-built and had a pulsating personality about him.</p>
<p>He asked me about my life ambition. My expectations were high; but I was unwilling to disclose them to him. But after speaking to him for some time, I came to the conclusion that he wanted to impart his knowledge to me. Then he quoted You are a brilliant boy. I found it ironic that I would be disheartened by family and friends then supported by a stranger; it didnt make much sense to me. Then he quoted In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't. I was confused at first by what he meant but I came to the realization that light illuminates darkness, the sight of the ones who listens to constructive advice; if they are followed and applied it will eventually lead to actualization of their life dream and ambitions. While failure and agony awaits those who refuses to adhere to instruction, as a result they will fall into perpetual darkness full of sorrow and regrets. </p>
<p>Consequently, after the conversation was over, I asked myself what would be the result of my life history; I was convinced he was a god-send. Ronald Hall is a man full of momentum that has brought me to the limelight of success because of his instruction. He encourage me to discover my potential, it is for these reasons I revere Ronald Hall and claim him to be the most influential person in my life.</p>
<p>Imparted? Quoted? Use more mainstream words. I mean, unless you are an upper 19th century aristocrat.</p>
<p>I also think you need more of a point, other than Robert Hall teaching you the very general and vague "I like to be taught things, because then I can see the light and not fall into darkness."</p>
<p>Make it a lot more personal. This is an essay about YOU, not Robert Hall. You do not have enough specifics about you in there.</p>
<p>I forgot to include the question." Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe the influence." I figured the essay should be more about him and the way he caused my grade to increase.</p>
<p>dynamism (dynamic)
imparted (knowledge that he gave to me)
This is a college essay not high school. I think I have to sound sophistocated and Im relaying on this essay to grant me admission to cornell</p>
<p>Yeah, but you didn't actually use them. How is his life full of dynamism? But then again, this isn't about Robert Hall.</p>
<p>And no, it's always about you. This essay is Robert Hall's influence on you. It's all right to describe him a little, but you used a lot more adjectives and time on him than you did on yourself.</p>
<p>And colleges aren't looking for false sophisticated writing. They're looking for you. It is a college essay, yes, but it's not something that's going to be graded. It sounds more arid than anything, to me, anyway. It's not something that you want to be relying on at this point.</p>
<p>I can't be specific, because I'm lazy, and because it's not my essay. I can only give you general guidelines as to what I think needs improvement. It's up to you to decide what to add or take away.</p>
<p>Your essay says nothing about you except that YOU or this Ronald dude think you're brilliant. It sounds like blatant arrogance to me. Also, "god-send" is completely over-the-top. </p>
<p>
[quote]
I figured the essay should be more about him and the way he caused my grade to increase.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>And if that's all he did, you should probably choose a different person.</p>
<p>No one on here has given it positive reviews so far...</p>
<p>(1) Your grammar is off in numerous places throughout
(2) Doesn't sound "you". They want to read about a human being, not a thesaurus
(3) After reading that I know about as much about you as I did when I began : nothing
(4) Comes across as arrogant. Basically saying because this Ronald guy likes you the college should accept you</p>
<p>Suggestions : </p>
<p>(1) Scrap the essay
(2) If you want to keep it, use more "mainstream" words as someone before said, talk more about what you did after the encounter, etc.</p>
<p>Talk about a man who's changed your life, and HOW IT'S CHANGED.</p>
<p>To answer your question, I would say the essay will not likely help your chances, but I don't think it's that bad so that it will significantly hurt your chances either.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>First of all, you seem to like the semicolon alot. =) There's something unnatural with the flow of the essay... </p></li>
<li><p>This essays says two things: one, you believe in that big statement he made. And two, that guy is an awesome person. The essay does not really say how, specifically that has affected you. I think the first half can be cut out and condensed into two sentences. That will make room for other stuff like your grade incrase.</p></li>
<li><p>Fix grammatical errors.</p></li>
</ol>