Essay Help (Please?)

I would appreciate comments on my essay. I actually changed one written for an earlier prompt and altered it to fit with the common app prompt about taking a risk. Please email me if you are feeling kind. <a href="mailto:tman27615@hotmail.com">tman27615@hotmail.com</a>

Also, I can include the original essay if that will help. Thanks guys.

<p>The school's I'm looking at here are Stanford, Princeton, Cornell, and Duke.</p>