I thought I’d turn to the wisdom of the forum for advice on an etiquette question
I have several nieces and nephews that don’t live near me so I only see them perhaps once a year. When they were small I’d send each of them a toy for the holidays, then when they became teenagers and I was less sure of what they’d want I’d send a card and a small amount of cash (these days its up to $20).
A nephew got married this past year and so I have two questions for this holiday season
I’m thinking it would be better to address the card to both of them. Agree? And if so should I sign the card as I have been doing as “uncle Mike”, or just as “Mike”? I’m not sure “uncle-in-law” is really a thing.
Is it still ok to enclose a small cash gift? If I sent a physical gift for both of them that sounds fine to me, but somehow cash seems less so. What do you think?
If you send a card yes, send it addressed to both of them.
Send a gift if you want but also this might be the “right time” to just send a card with genuine holiday wishes but to drop the gift part of it now that nephew is married.
I don’t think we should feel obligated to give gifts for a lifetime. Totally ok if you want to but as married adults it can be a time to move away from the tradition.
Agree that I would address the card to both and I’d sign it as you always have.
IMO at this point a small monetary gift is optional. If it makes you feel good to send a little something then continue to do so (personally I’d opt for gifting an Amazon card rather than cash) – but if you feel it is time to stop the gift that is fine as well.
I’m with the crowd – address to both and sign Uncle Mike.
Also agree that the cash gift is probably unnecessary. If you wanted to send something to them, perhaps something like an ornament for their new “married” tree (if that’s a holiday they celebrate) or something else small (which could be consumable.) The thought is nice, but depending on the number of nieces and nephews involved, potentially quite a bit of expense for you and not something as meaningful for them. It’s really okay to abandoned this and remember them with a card.
Fwiw, several relatives on my list have really enjoyed receiving Lovepop cards and have said they feel like a gift. They are quite beautiful and fun and can be festively displayed.
We stopped giving individual gifts to the 4 nieces and nephews for birthday and Christmas when they became adults. My adult kids no longer get gifts from their aunts and uncles either. It is actually a relief. We still do exchange family food gifts between families at Christmas but that’s it.
Last year BIL stopped giving to my adult sons. This year I will his. It IS a relief.
Back in the day I shopped for 27 people and became quite the Xmas Scrooge. 30-40 years later, this year only my sons, their gals and MIL/SIL. Such a load off.
Agree. I still gave gifts for college graduation and my one son who is married got gifts from aunt and uncle for his wedding. And if/when nieces or nephews get married, they will definitely get wedding gifts from us. But, individual birthday or Christmas gifts. No .And I really am relieved.
At some point, my uncle and aunt (I only have one, my father’s brother) stopped sending gifts to us
‘kids’ and swapped it by sending an LLBean centerpiece to my mother. When we had kids, they sent gifts to our kids. The gifts to the kids were always books, and often Christmas themed books that would arrive before Christmas. My kids always loved them and enjoyed them in the weeks before Christmas when the excitement was still building for the big day. The books also got more attention than if they were opened on Christmas day.
My kids also got a few other gifts in the mail before Christmas and that was the rule for those too - open when they arrive.
Send whatever you like, Uncle Mike. I’m sure it will all be appreciated. If you don’t want to send money, send a fruit basket or a tin of popcorn or a wreath for the door.
I’m definitely send what you like. Transitioning from gifts to no gifts can be awkward.
H’s family is huge into gift giving. At one point, we were giving 40+ gifts. He wants to give to everyone and anyone. I made him stop my niece/nephew on his side at some point in their 20s. He didn’t want to, but I said “don’t you always think it’s strange that aunt S (who we’ve seen once in 20 years) still send us odd gifts? We were in our 30s. So that ended that.
On my side, we stopped when those nieces and nephews were teenagers. We noticed all we did was one parent hand out a stack of gift cards and got another stack in return. It was just a money exchange and we were like “this is dumb.” My family isn’t big on gifts so it wasn’t that big of a deal.
Absolutely , Uncle Mike, keep sending if you still want to. It is a very nice and generous thing to do.
The only aunt who still gives to my adult sons now for birthdays or Christmas is my sister, who never married and has no children. My sons always give to her too. And she gives to a son’s wife now as well. And they still exchange Christmas gifts as well as she always spends Christmas with us. Very different relationship/dynamic than they have with husband’s siblings, who are married with children.
I think if giving a small gift gives you joy, keep doing it. If you’re doing it because you always have, or feel you should, or if you think they are expecting it….it’s ok to stop!
So is (was?) my H’s. My family had a minimalist Christmas. No stockings, gifts opened Christmas Eve. Had a fake tree (and back in the day, yes one of those aluminum ones with the color wheel). We did have outside lights. We wouldn’t have had any Christmas cookies if my paternal grandmother didn’t make them for us every year.
H’s family struggled financially, but went all out for Christmas. Detailed Christmas lists everyone was supposed to fill out. Videotaping of stocking opening (ugh). Special utensils for gift opening. It took HOURS. Gifts to aunts, uncles, siblings (at least not to cousins). MIL still decorates with multiple real Christmas trees, collections of ornaments and Christmas decorations. She’s 90 years old, and lives in an old two-story house by herself (unsafe).
We stopped (birthday) gifting nieces and nephews around graduation from college (although I did gift my nieces a few years longer than that). I’m not sure when we stopped Christmas gifting. Monetary gift when they get their bachelors degree (not beyond that). Money for a wedding gift. New baby gift (not money).
Now we only Christmas gift my MIL and an unmarried SIL. I’d gladly stop with this SIL, but she pitches a fit. She gives each of us an individual gift. The past few years it’s been gift cards, as is our gift to her.
Isn’t everyone glad when the gifts are cut way back?
I’m sure the Uncle Mike in our family would still sign cards to son/DIL as Uncle Mike. (though in person we sometimes refer to him as Uncle Microwave, since that’s a nickname coined by our oldest when she was learning her early words)
If my brother would stop sending gifts to our son, I could stop sending to my niece and nephew. All three have birthdays in the general Chanukah season so it’s often a combined gift. I’ll probably renew the arboretum gift memberships I gave last year.
And yes, joint gift to nephew and his new bride. Our wedding gift thank you card was addressed to Aunt Marilyn and Uncle Firstname. No last name on envelope! Bride barely spoke to us over the weekend festivities but she now carries my maiden name so I feel a kinship.
