<p>Agree that it ‘is what it is’. The downside I was referring to was for your child to end up feeling the pressure of being expected to go to an Ivy. Some people have a very unrealistic view of BS and assume that it is solely and for all a stepping stone to not only an Ivy but perhaps a free ride at one. The student sometimes hears comments in this regard from folks on the home front when on visits.
There is certainly NO shame in returning home for school or going to a less known college or university in and of themselves. The ‘downside’ of bs, however, is that for a child that worries about what others think of and expect of him, bs can put unrealistic expectation on them for future ‘success’ as it is viewed from an uninformed lense.
This happens, I think, more to kids who are surrounded by people at home who have little exposure to bs or prep schools in general…folks who think bs produce Ivy League kids only (their vision of boarding school is from movies like Dead Poets Society or School Ties). They expect your child to end up at a way ‘better’ school than their kid. If they don’t and your child senses or hears their dismay, it COULD put pressure on your child.
In your case, Velv, sounds like your DC found a great fit!
T</p>
<p>What I have discovered more so now then when I was a student, is that most of the pressure to attend IVY’s and top colleges are coming from the parents and outside influences. I don’t see as much emphasis on “keeping up the stats” as I did way back when. College counselors do seem more pragmatic about student choices and fit then in the days where stats were everything.</p>
<p>Our daughter has “NO” Ivy leagues on her list. By choice. I will admit hinting about Yale and Brown - mostly because I thought she was a good fit and would enjoy them. But her interests lie elsewhere and I’ve been very pleased with the joint list she developed after talking to various colleges and getting input from her counselor who suggested two strong choices that weren’t on our radar but had the degree program she was looking for.</p>
<p>There are a lot of good colleges with strong programs out there that are clamoring for a smart, well-rounded, well-prepared student. In some cases, I’ve noted students who did get into IVY’s but selected another college simply because the merit aid was so much better. </p>
<p>As with boarding school selection we suggest: choose a range, then love the schools whose admission’s teams love you back be that IVY, State Universities, or private universities.</p>
<p>Truth be told, this is the last one out of the house and having barely survived Boarding School Admissions cycles, I’m pretty thrilled to not have to go through this process every again after college decisions come in the spring. There should be a special brand of sedative for parents of prospective college students.</p>
<p>This is a great thread - honest about the problems and realistic about the problem solving. </p>
<p>Coming back to the issue of the costs and benefits of academic rigor, and speaking as one more “recovering crispy” - </p>
<p>Academic rigor is a double-edged sword, IMHO. There is the thrill of discovery, the thrill of surmounting difficulties, the thrill of finding a compromise between yourself and a worthy opponent (go Harkness!). All good. There is also the exhaustion of knowing you need 10 hours of work to do a good job, and only 2 to do it in. It could be that your judgement of 10 hours is not correct - maybe 7 would do the job, or maybe, just maybe the 2 hours that you have. But there is also a risk that the student decides to spend the 2 hours creating an attractive surface (that’s what the audience is going to see) and leaves out the deep work. That’s a habit, like any other - and a habit, once put in place, can be hard to get rid of. </p>
<p>Based on what I’m seeing at work, that risk is real. I cannot tell you the number of times I have had to check the work of someone who, based on their fancy education, should have known better. We all make mistakes - but at least I make a mistake after having tried hard not to - these guys are just “I put it down on paper, it looks good from 30,000 feet, and now I’m leaving for the day”. It’s not 100%, thank god, but it happens often enough to be noticeable. </p>
<p>So I’m a little skeptical of the idea that if you didn’t learn your multiplication tables by 2nd grade, you’re washed up, and if you aren’t reading the Illiad in original Greek in high school, the college of your choice and 6 figure income are not going to happen. </p>
<p>I guess the real question is, what would I do differently, or what would I look for in a school. Different things for different kids, goes without saying. But I would be sensitive to the idea that there is a workload that teaches depth and a workload that teaches breadth, and they aren’t always the same structure.</p>
<p>The workload at BS is no joke. S is now home from first semester at a very demanding university, and can’t get over how much time he has – despite that he is also on a sport that requires 3 hours of time every day, as well as most weekends. He is just ecstatic with his college experience. Ironic that BS could be much more demanding then a top university – and I suspect this will change after his freshman year as he gets deeper into his majors – but the upside is that students go to college being VERY well prepared for a heavy workload and time management. When I see how relaxed he is now, I realize how much stress he really handled while he was at BS. Still, he loved his BS and had a great experience; it was the right choice for him, but definitely not for everyone.</p>
<p>Our son has finished the first half of his freshman year at BS, and I have come to a realization. I have taken all of this much harder than he has. He has had an incredible experience - living in a new environment, discovering new classes and extracurricular activities and making friends - without any guidance or influence from us. On the few occasions that he has messaged with problems (bombed a Chinese exam or struggles with the Aeneid) I have fretted over it much longer than he has.
The only “down sides” we’ve faced are minor - roommate changes, conflicting personalities, etc. However, the “up sides” have been amazing. He is more confident and poised, organized and motivated. He is learning to take things in stride and, for him, the pressures of academic competition are minimal.
I will admit to being surprised when I attended the a College Prep Seminar at how many parents were soley focused on matriculating to an “Ivy” school. As the college counselors pointed out, there are many outstanding colleges and universities which may be a better fit for our child, based on his personality and interests.</p>
<p>Exonian has a well done front page article in this week’s paper (avaiable online) on mental health challenges at elite prep schools, with discussion by a number of Exeter students with depression, focusing on how common depression and suicidal ideation can be. WHILE THIS IS A PROBLEM FOR ADOLESCENTS EVERYWHERE, there are some sobering statistics - with a quote from </p>
<p>The 2009 Andover Phillipian "According to a campus-wide survey published in the Phillipian in 2009, two percent of Andover students reported anonymously that they had attempted suicide in the year ending April 2008. Out of a student body of over 1,100, this percentage indicates that over 20 students attempted suicide from April 2007 to April 2008, the Phillipian reported.</p>
<p>A 2011 wellness survey conducted by the Academy asked students to rate stress levels and how often they experienced symptoms of clinical depression on a scale of ten to forty.</p>
<p>Dr. Judith Borgers, a specialist who conducted the survey and who is unaffiliated with the Academy, noted that anyone who rated a majority of such questions with over a 30 should be recommended to visit a counselor.</p>
<p>Twenty percent of the 577 respondents scored in the 30-40 range.</p>
<p>For many, the honeymoon of BS wears off late Oct. Then comes the cold weather, early darkness and even heavier workload.
We were warned that winter is a particularly tough time for BS kids and depression can be a real issue.
T</p>
<p>Depression is a real issue for all teenagers, boarding school students or not. Although I have not yet encountered it with my own children, I keep an eye out as many of their friends have had bouts of it over the years. Many times it is brought on by a particular event - a break-up, feeling inadequate in comparison to their friends or conflict with parents. I can imagine that these types of things can feel more overwhelming to a teenager their first year away from home. So I think it is an issue that ALL parents should be on the lookout for.</p>
<p>^Agreed. Many teens struggle with depression and the reasons don’t change with geography. New technologies also make the boarding experience less isolating. We would not have sent our kids away without cell phones, Skype, etc. I can’t imagine only speaking to a teen once a week or month from a phone booth.</p>
<p>And back to the topic of down sides: I posted this in the wrong place this morning but it’s what I’m thinking now that I’ve completed the FAFSA and other FA paperwork for the year: OUCH…</p>
<p>Our local options are awful, so even with the down sides articulated here - it is worth it for us. That said, we are almost halfway through a dozen or so years of BS and college tuition for two kids and it does get VERY old having no money for anything but absolute basics on a healthy middle class salary. In those times when I struggle to pay bills and see peer families plan nice vacations and new clothes, I have to remind myself that this is a priority and the alternative unacceptable.
Like any other long term commitment, be very sure (if you can).</p>
<p>^ Tremendous respect for you wcmom. I have three kids, the last is now a college senior. It has meant a decade of struggle. We believe our kid’s education is our most important mission and everything else comes second, including our own needs. Boarding school (Thacher) was worth it. We’d do it again without hesitation.</p>
<p>Hang in there!</p>
<p>Thanks, Thacherparent. We share similar values and gratitude. I just wanted to point out that this is a long term commitment. I think that sometimes the intensity of the application process keeps families from reckoning with the long term financial impact - for better and worse.</p>
<p>Just returned from an Andover weekend briefing on the college process. They brought in a number of admissions officers from colleges to speak about process, essays, and parental involvement. Inevitably, a question on many parent minds was asked “Is it worth it to go from being a top student somewhere, to being middle of the pack at a great BS, such as Andover”? I liked the response "if you are looking at Andover as a down payment for prestigious college admission, you may be disappointed. However, if you are looking at PAA as a down payment for educational and life excellence, you will be greatly rewarded.</p>
<p>Found this old thread and thought it might be good to link to…</p>
<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/prep-school-admissions/297688-dark-side-boarding-schools-least-stuff-they-dont-volunteer.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/prep-school-admissions/297688-dark-side-boarding-schools-least-stuff-they-dont-volunteer.html</a></p>
<p>If you care to see just what some of the students are thinking about their experience and you have an account on Facebook, you can search for Exeter Post Secret.</p>
<p>It is an anonymous place for students to share their secrets, fears, and feelings. It is an eye-opening read and sometimes downright scary.</p>
<p>Many posts talked about the vigorous academics at the top BS as being stressful but valuable experience, and how much it is different from public schools. My question is that what other values beside academics do you see in attending a BS?</p>
<p>Our public high is very good (ranked top 100 in US News), offers all APs except a few foreign language courses. My older child, a junior there, has challenged himself by completing 7 APs by sophomore year (all 5s) and another 6 this year, plus semifinalist in USABO, AIME qualifier, plus 25+ hours a week in one EC activity that he can pursue professionally if he wants.</p>
<p>My second child is admitted to one of the acronymed schools. Academically DC2 is more focused, driven and advanced than the brother, so academic vigor will be there for DC2 locally. At this point, DC2 has been the one who really wanted to attend BS, more or less because of the temptation of independence. But I need to be able to justify a huge expenditure that will most likely to the north of $200K, cash, non-tax deductible.</p>
<p>Ive asked several private school parent friends. They all said that DC2 should go because your DC will come out and be a different person, and you will see it 4 years later Different, in what way(s)?</p>
<p>We did not choose prep school for our sons as a “downpayment” for college entrance but I think many of the parents I have met over the years do.
One of my sons went to Andover and as I have stated elsewhere, if his goal was Ivies, it would have been better to go to a slightly less challenging school where fewer kids wanted that outcome because while he got 5s and 6s at Andover, he was not in the top 5%. As BAREERS said though, Andover was amazing. My son loved it and gained so much from going there (as did others going to smaller prep schools) and it did help him in the college process.
@bearsgarden asks how will your child be different? More independant, ,more confident, more outgoing, more self reliant, more knowledgable, more worldly…more everything!
But this thread is about downside…
Ones I have seen:
Incredible academic pressure to succeed/excel.
College pressure is significantly worse than at regular school as students discuss amongst themselves endlessly (and parents too).
Loneliness (home sickness)
For remote schools, sense of being shut in, trapped
Social microcosm, where everything is magnified due to smaller size and live in function.</p>
<p>@cdn: How far away were you from your son’s school and how often could you visit him?</p>
<p>@Alden0611, more than one son, different schools so different distances but between 5-6 hours drive. Depending on time of year, work, etc visits varied but usually at least once a month but more for me than for them :)</p>
<p>@Cdn: I have PM’ed you</p>
<p>I brought D to the airport this morning for her trip back to school after a wonderful spring break. That was only 6 hours ago and I already feel her absence much more keenly than I did before the break started. Maybe it’s because now I’m not going to see her for over 2 months, or because we had such a pleasant and relaxed time this break. Ironically, when I saw her with her friends from home I felt more confident than ever that BS is the best thing for her. This is one of those moments that’s so difficult as a parent, because what’s best for D isn’t what’s best for me.</p>