Families entering the BS world with eyes open: know the DOWN SIDE

Prep School Admissions Prep School Parents
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<p>Yes, I’ve heard of teacups and crispies, too. Being subject to becoming one is not limited to the boarding school world…any school environment which pushes the kids beyond exhaustion would plausibly suffice. </p>

<p>While I don’t know how prevalent these terms are in the AO world, a crispie is a kid who has burned too much midnight oil studying in high school and is too exhausted to hit the ground running in college. A teacup is a product of helicoptering parents who have shielded the kid so thoroughly from the normal pains of growing up that they cannot stand on their own two feet once they hit college, and either shatter from the stress or are still overly dependent on parental guidance.</p>

<p>Fortunately for us, DC is not in the least interested to be in the running to be a crispie, even though he is getting a great education at boarding school. And he wouldn’t allow us to hover even if we wanted to, LOL. It all comes down to the family and the child how they navigate these things.</p>

<p>I’m glad, 3Dad, that your family found a great school for your DC and it is turning out well!</p>

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<p>I like the term teacup. Personally, I have witnessed many crispies but few teacups.</p>

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<p>I think the “crispies” are the kids I worry about even when they’re at Boarding Schools. They don’t know how to dissipate the pressure. I told another parent that we gave our daughter permission to “fail” at a task in order for her to feel as if she could try new things and experiment. I do know of some students at her school, and at others, who are under tremendous pressure to “deliver” a “win” to their parents. My daughter was crestfallen, but resolved when she got a lower than desired score on a test early on. Her roommate, on the other hand, took a verbal beating from the parents for getting only a 92 on the same exam and left at the end of the year. Another close friend of hers tells similar stories of being afraid for parents to see anything that isn’t perfect.</p>

<p>Those kids seem at risk of burn-out. Which may explain why those kids are surprised not to get into the colleges they want but see classmates with lower stats achieve the prize. Admissions officers are very astute these days.</p>

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<p>As a recovering crispy, the good news was I was coming into enough self awareness in my senior year at elite BS to know that I needed a holistic college experience more than I needed an elite one. I needed to learn how to extend myself socially, as well as intellectually. Following a different route to college than either my parents or over-invested guidance counselor could fathom, I allowed myself to “grow up” in my own way.</p>

<p>Result? I had a FANTASTIC freshman year, immediately gravitating to one of the best departments on campus. By sophomore year I had caught the attention of a senior professor in the department who was also a world-class scholar. He took me under his wing, became my major and thesis advisor, and wrote my ticket to top graduate programs.</p>

<p>It’s about the people, folks. & Exie–so glad to see you back! ;)</p>

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<p>Good for you, PelicanDad. Great story. I think the moral is that you were strong enough to buck the tide, do what was right for you, and it turned out the right path. I do see kids who make it into ‘the big time’ in graduate school (where I’d argue it counts most), in their own way.</p>

<p>And Exie…“only a 92”…ouch. It hurts to witness parents who care so much, yet do so much damage…</p>

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<p>I don’t think parental browbeating for “only a 92” is as uncommon as it should be. We have the opposite — our dd used to be crestfallen with anything but the highest of 90’s. And we didn’t care, often discussing how subjective numbers were anyway. It’s taken being at a school where she actually has to stretch her intellect a bit, for HER to let go of the idea that a 92 is a terrible disappointment. We often discuss the concept that it is the learning, and the environment, that is important. It is a slow process, but we <em>don’t</em> want to end up with a crispy kid at the end of this four-year journey.</p>

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<p>To refer back to the original post on this thread, last item on the list of Thorny Issues: Dating</p>

<p>Does the b.s. dating situation match your expectations?
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/prep-school-admissions/1427618-dating-boarding-schools.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/prep-school-admissions/1427618-dating-boarding-schools.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>Is it really any different from the p.s. of private d.s. dating situation?</p>

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<p>@GMT, do you mean the concept of “hooking up” vs. actually “dating”? I was wondering the same thing myself.</p>

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<p>that’s what I was referring to discreetly</p>

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<p>I realize I have not been on this thread lately. First off, my D transferred to a local private, arts-oriented school, and she is so happy! She had to spend three days there as part of the application process and I think that is a great idea. </p>

<p>She is so much more engaged in this style of learning. They are concentrating right now on US Government, and we have been having discussions every night (prompted by her) about amendments, bill of rights, legislation etc. She has really been able to embrace the topic much more fully than she would in a dry lecture and test scenario.</p>

<p>She also has art a couple of times a week - painting, sculpture, woodworking, drama, all will be featured at some point and she loves that. There is homework, but not the overload she saw at her old BS.</p>

<p>I will say this new school is not for everyone. My S would have hated it. He loves his public school where he can take A Physics and AP Calc and all that STEM and no art.</p>

<p>Some of the BS parents I talked to before we transferred her admitted that there kids were very tired and up all hours. But many of them sympathized with the schedule/issues we were seeing and then said, “Yeah, but we just tell her to suck it up!” </p>

<p>The BS was a hidden gem, not an acronym school, and as I have said all along, I really like it. The faculty was supportive and accessible. It just wasn’t a good fit for the style of learning my D needs. And there are kids who thrive on the pace and get a rush from being able to say they handled all this. I didn’t want my D to burn out on the process of learning before college.</p>

<p>As for college admissions, I printed out the matriculations from both the BS and the artsy school, and they are very very similar. You would probably be only able to guess which was which by the addition of the more artsy LACs and arts schools on the one list.</p>

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<p>surfcity - Kudos to you for being a caring parent and treating your children as individuals. Sounds like your daughter’s new school is a good fit for her. Congrats!</p>

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<p>Have not read all of the responses but advice I can give, as both a graduate of a boarding school myself and the parent of one teen now at one, is this:</p>

<p>Regarding Stress:
VISIT YOUR CHILD if it is at all possible. They don’t have to like that you are coming. But if you ‘play it right’ they usually end up glad that you came. When you do…

  1. Get a hotel suite (homewood suites are relatively inexpensive). This allows the child to have his or her own room for a night or two…a nice break for those with roommates! It also allows you to bring homemade food or purchase meals they love and warm them up right in the suite.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>When they want to talk, listen. Sometimes they don’t want advice…they just want to tell you things.</p></li>
<li><p>Tie in the visit with a reason to be there (i.e. a sporting event, concert, volunteer opportunity…anything). This allows them to say that you are there for the event and are dragging them away for the night vs. them having to say that you are there stalking them (which you may well be!)</p></li>
<li><p>Offer to do their laundry during the weekend. I kid you not. This means one less thing they have to do that week and allows them to get a little more sleep! Also offer to take them to Target for whatever they need. Again, this takes away some stress on them.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>Even one weekend a semester is nice. I was many hours away, but my mom flew in once a semester during long stretched (i.e. late October and late February)</p>

<p>Also, send care packages and letters with no string attached…no request for them to call or demand that they write you or their grandparents. Include healthy things with some junk food. Send extra money during exams so they can buy themselves some treats or order food in during terribly long stretches of studying. Send ‘Team Snacks’ on occassion for them and their sports team (my mom sent Rice Krispie treats…not the healthiest but I remember my team thought it was neat that she sent a package to the team as a whole!)</p>

<p>Regarding Problems they are Facing:
TRY and keep a pulse on what is going on with them and their friends. It is hard, especially if you come off as grilling them or being nosey. But listen more than talk. My mom would ask me how certain friends were doing and that, I now realize, would sometimes lead into me saying what was going on with me! At the very least, she got a picture of what was going on with those around me.</p>

<p>Regarding Academic Stress Specifically:
Try not to talk college too much. Address once or twice on breaks, when they MUST sit and talk with you. But otherwise, don’t bring it up every day of their break if you can help it. They live it all the time.
Schedule FUN times along with college visits. Going to see William and Mary? Spend the other 1/2 of the day at Busch Gardens (or send them there with their sibling or let them bring a friend).
With our child that puts a lot of pressure on herself, we made it clear that she did not have to get all As and that she would be FINE then and later if she did not. </p>

<p>My mom, especially, was wonderful when I was away. I acutally got much closer to her once I went away to school. The daily little arguments were no more and she made sure that our time together was pleasant…be that by just letting me sleep the day away, spend lots of time with friends or talk, talk, talk to her about my life. I now SO appreciate that she and home were a true haven for me.</p>

<p>I LOVED my school, but still…at 16 and younger it is not always easy. Be their respite if you can. I KNOW this is hard, as I don’t implement all of the above myself…but I am trying!</p>

<p>T</p>

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<p>Thus you can produce a happy kid in a bubble. Coddle some more if you like.</p>

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<p>^^^ Thanks, Taben. I will try some of those suggestions. Have a great holiday!</p>

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<p>JoshuaM:
My tips are certainly not meant for every child and every parent. In my case, my parents did those things and it provided me with a great sense of closeness to them and confidence…AS DID them letting me be away at school. I happily continued on to college (out of state) and graduate school. In addition, I remain VERY close to my parents and now coddle them. :)</p>

<p>Would they have done the same for my brother and sister? I don’t know. Different kids. But for me? I loved the method they used and find it working well with my own daughter. For our other one? Hmmm, not so sure. He, frankly, might not want, need or benefit it from it.
Again, just offering things that helped ME while in boarding school. Please share more of your thoughts on how to help your child handle the bumps. I am always open to learning and listening.
Charger78 …happy holidays to you too!
T</p>

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<p>@taben, JoshuaM is a ■■■■■. No need to validate your excellent advice. Since this is a “know the downside” thread, and it’s such a great post, it would be great to see the exact same thing as the start of a NEW thread, about “how to keep you and your child sane for four years of boarding school” (or maybe just “how to handle the bumps…”… it would be a nice way to start the new year!</p>

<p>Thank you for your great post, and Happy Holidays to you!</p>

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<p>taben - GREAT advice, and extremely timely with both kids home for the winter break. Thank you.</p>

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<p>As to the down side of BS, my posted hinted at some but let me spell out a few things specifically that I am seeing in mine and things I faced too…</p>

<ol>
<li>STRESS. You are hit with hard work and having to manage so much on your own. Some kids are not ready for it. Even if they are, it does not mean they are not stressed out a times…and my D seems so TIRED.</li>
<li>Lack of Privacy. Even for a social kid, being with peers 24/7 can get old</li>
<li>College visits. If you do them on breaks, your child does not get the sleep and interaction with local relatives and friends they want and need. If you do them in the summer, the ‘feel’ of the colleges is not as true as it would be during the school year.</li>
<li>Friendships. It takes WORK to maintain, truly, homettown friendships. With facebook and such it is easier now than ever, but it still takes time and effort. With school friends, it is tough once the year is over because you often can’t see your friends in the summer.</li>
<li>Expectations. Being at BS people assume that your child will get into and go to a top college. But, they may not be able to or may not want to. Then it becomes a situations where they may be asked, point blank, why they went all the way to (wherever their BS is located) only to come back and go to the state univ. , which they could have gotten into had they gone to their local public school.</li>
<li>Relationship with grandparents and younger siblings…sometimes they miss out on the last years or last healthy years with elderly grandparents or huge milestones of younger siblings. You can’t get those things back.</li>
</ol>

<p>All things to think about. I remember very clearly that kids who wanted to be a BS generally loved it. But those who did not want to struggled or resented being ‘sent away’. So another downside would be a resentful child for years to come (whether they say it or not) if they are made to go. No matter how good the education, how great the opportunity, etc…it is not for every kid. OUr younger one has told us that he loves his local school and his friends, etc. He has no desire to go away to school even though his sister is so happy at her BS and I think it would be a good fit for him. We may have him apply, but will not make him go (at least I won’t…trying to get my husband to make him the same promise and he thinks ‘once he gets there he will be happy’.)</p>

<p>T</p>

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<p>I will second taben’s comment about “tiredness”. BS students have an extremely full schedule with required sports every semester. When you add in the rigorous academics and all the extra-curriculars, these kids are TIRED to the bone. I think BS’s in general are becoming more aware of this issue, and some have pushed back the morning starting time of classes.</p>

<p>I would like to see BS’s relax the “every semester” sports requirement after the first two years. Junior and Senior years are stressful enough with the focus on college admission. By Junior year, a student has figured out whether they are an athlete or not. The serious athletes have chosen their sports and should not have to meet arbitrary requirements every semester. Those who are not serious athletes should be given the freedom to pursue other interests such as music or theatre. Mandatory sports requirements are a huge time commitment which could be utilized in a more efficient manner in the last years of BS. This might lead to most students getting a lot more rest.</p>

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<p>Not sure this is a downside so much as an “it is what it is”, but this situation does resonate with us. We sent DC to BS mainly to avoid the limitations of our in-state choices for both high school and college. Now we’re dealing with the irony that BS opportunities enabled our once STEM-focused kid to passionately pursue what we thought was just a hobby such that our generally-lack-luster-in-all-other-areas state U will be one of his viable college targets. We’re actually glad that we couldn’t have seen this evolution because we never would have gone the BS route, and DC would have missed out on a transforming experience. We are prepared for the quizzical looks by hinting a couple of years in advance that state U will be in DC’s mix and “wouldn’t it be ironic if DC went away for high school only to come home for college?” The very, very big financial upside for us is that this scenario will cost us almost nothing. The downside is that he may get into one of the top programs in this field (not our state U), and we will be faced with whether or not we’re willing to pay top rates for what will amount more to prestige than practicality, and I’m pretty sure we already know the answer to that. But, we’re saving that battle for another day. ;)</p>