@gpo613, I don’t mean this in any negative way, but are you hoping to “get” something from this thread, are you looking for advice, or what? Clearly several of us have weighed in, but I’m not sure we are responding in a helpful manner?
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My brother married into a grudge holding family and it’s caused a lot of pain. We haven’t seen him in 7 years - he texts me twice a year, my parents never. My youngest barely remembers him. I’ve shed many tears over it, but no more.
I’m figuring I’ll see him at a funeral when it will be way too late.
Life is way too short for such nonsense.
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Assuming your wife and SIL are over 21 and therefore adults, and definitely not their Dad’s problem to solve.
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It’s not fair to blame your FIL. The two sisters need to figure this out. I’m sure FIL wants to stay as far out of this mess as possible.
@abasket, cross-posted!
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I sure wouldn’t want to paint my wife as person who that if you do her wrong she could never forgive you. God knows I would have been gone at some point. Originally I said there was some history. I won’t go into every detail, but my wife was tired of being walked all over again and she stood her ground and we were told if we didn’t like it we could leave.
I will say all families have different dynamics, some everyone are best friends and others you only see them at certain gatherings like holidays and even then it can be too much. Sadly my wife and her sisters are not close.
Also life is too short to continue to be walked all over again and again.
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This isn’t her sister’s BD. It’s FIL BD. Show up and be civil. Why anyone would drag out this grudge out is way beyond me. No contact/silent treatment is just stupid. “Life is short” is not a cliche.
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Some thoughts/ideas to consider:
- Don’t expect FIL to be the peacemaker to make the rift between Wife & SIL go away.
- How old is FIL going to be? Is this a big milestone birthday? Or just a regular b-day?
- if it’s a big milestone birthday, then my vote is for sucking it up and going.
- Otherwise, just tell SIL that you’re sorry, but you won’t be able to attend. And then make other plans to take FIL out to dinner on a different day.
- If the FIL b-day celebration is at the SIL’s house, then send your regrets/RSVP as a ‘no’ since you know from prior experience that they won’t keep the dog away while you eat.
- Otherwise, if the FIL b-day celebration is at a restaurant, then yeah, you should suck it up and go.
- Don’t hold your breath waiting for an apology from anybody. An apology would mean that Wife & SILs would have to actually talk to each other.
- Somebody has to be a little flexible in this scenario or you will end up one day attending FIL’s funeral with nobody speaking to each other…all because of a dog, for pete’s sake.
- Wife needs to re-explain to FIL what her issue is w/the dog.
- You can be happy. Or you can be right. You can’t have both. You’ve chosen being right for now. So has the SIL. Hence, everybody’s miserable.
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First of all, let me just say that we (my family) respect the differences in our families. There are issues every one of our family members has.
We have gone through some issues but for the sake of our elderly parents, we bit our tongues. Now, that we are all older, we don’t put up with crap.
I am a dog lover and have always loved dogs, but in my work experiences I also dealt with clients who had morbid fears of animals, especially dogs.
I realize that the SIL and her husband love their family member, but it is extremely hard to get past a progressive fear. Her sister and husband probably have no idea about phobias and don’t care to learn about them. Family mutt was more important to them and making a point about getting over a phobia was possibly their opinion. Doesn’t matter. People tend to not keep promises nowadays and that just stinks.
If the restaurant thing doesn’t work because no one is willing to be the adult, then visit separately because “pride goeth before a fall”. Those people responsible for the divide will need to learn to be without family. Sad.
@gpo613 it’s your wife’s decision, and if I were your wife, I would try to be accommodating. If my sister (with the dog) wasn’t willing to use the peace pipe, then I would go to functions with the other sister. I tried-didn’t work-moving on by building another bridge and getting over it.
Personally, I get it, but it’s her dad’s birthday. By not going she is punishing her dad, not her sister.
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This times 1,000!
@gpo613 I’ve been there, I’ve been that person. I’ve waited for someone to apologize.
It went like this. I’m sorry but you did this….
I’ve waited for my parent to be supportive. They aren’t, they can’t, it’s not going to happen.
The only person I’m hurting in the end is myself. And expending a ton of energy for what. To be right.
I am right, my sibling did many things that prove that they don’t respect me. Won’t have my back. And if anything went badly for me, they won’t be there for me. The way I did for them. In spades.
They aren’t my best friend. I don’t have to interact with them anymore than I have to. But for family unity, I go to the family dinner. At a restaurant. I told my sibling that. I will be perfectly civil. But don’t expect more.
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I get not wanting to be walked on. I get feeling frustrated over not being heard, of waiting for an apology that isn’t coming.
But I also know what it feels like when a parent dies and the siblings are filled with anger and mistrust over something that happened so long ago that nobody can remember who said what or triggered what. And it must be sad and lonely for a parent to be close to the end and realize that the kids are still giving each other the silent treatment .
So for the sake of the dad…
Nobody is asking the wife to donate a kidney to the SIL. Nobody is asking the wife to give the SIL 100K to buy a tanning salon franchise. Nobody is asking the wife to take in the SIL who has just been diagnosed with a terrible illness.
It’s a dinner. In a neutral, dog-free spot where nobody will ask the wife to wash the dishes when the meal is over.
Seems like a no-brainer to me.
Want to ice out the sister completely? Wait until the dad is gone.
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Pretty sure that the dog incident wasn’t completely about the dog, and now this isn’t entirely about the FIL’s refusal to take her side.
Something was wrong in the SIL relationship and in the FIL relationship. Maybe the wife wanted more respect or more attention. Maybe she feels like she’s always ignored. But she needs to get to the bottom of it if she wants to fix it. Being angry at the wrong things just leaves you angry!
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It sounds like the dog incident was the straw that broke the camel’s back. It’s unclear if the bad blood is only with the sister, or also if her Dad had a part to play. If it’s both of them, I can understand not being willing to go to the birthday. Maybe someday they can patch it up, just maybe not yet.
As a spouse, I consider it my job to support his wishes. I would gently encourage him to try to find a way to forgive and move on, but if he wasn’t ready, I would support that.
Just a couple of things… Forgiving doesn’t mean you say you were wrong in the situation. And you can work on being assertive in the future so that being walked on does not happen again. And finally, one thing a priest once mentioned that stuck with me… It takes a lot more energy to be angry at someone/something. Let it go - it’s easier!
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Is the dog thing a pattern? I don’t know the details of your wife’s issues with dogs, but unless they are significant, that alone is not reason enough to lock a dog away during a party. Does she have a special need that requires the dog to be put in another room? It’s possible that they just don’t understand the special need and considering it was at their house, it is a big ask if it’s not for an obvious reason.
I’m empathic to the cutting people off thing. I was in a situation where I had to cut off my mother’s cousin and she will never let me hear the end of it. Some things are worth it, but a dog disagreement at someone else’s house alone isn’t it.
Some more thoughts on this:
- Sometimes, getting along with your adult siblings is really hard.
- it’s also made even more difficult by pressure from a parent who wants you & sibling(s) to just sweep everything under the rug so they (the elderly parent) can pretend that everybody’s one big happy family and everybody gets along…when, in fact, when you all get together it’s almost a poop-tacular and you can cut the tension with a knife.
- So you have to figure out what your own personal boundaries are. For OP’s wife, that boundary is now probably a strong “I’m not eating a meal in SIL’s house.” That’s fine.
DH has a boundary w/his sister (my SIL), for example. She’s, honestly, a really horrible host to overnight house guests. Many times in the past, we’ve had to bring all of our own bedding, pillows, even towels. Had to fend for ourselves and just figure stuff out. She’s completely clueless. A few years ago, DH finally got sick of it and decided that going forward, we’ll be staying in a hotel nearby. It’s been way better ever since then.
Same SIL is also really bad at calling people back. Many times, won’t even text you back when you send her a text message. We’ve decided to emotionally disengage and while we continue to try contacting her, we don’t try as hard anymore and, in turn, don’t ever expect anything in return from her.
probably the REAL issue here is that the SIL has prioritized the dog over OP’s Wife. And when you look at it from that point of view, yeah, it would be normal to be upset over the fact that a dog is more important than your own sister. I’d be mad about that.
You also know, however, that SIL is not going to change. She doesn’t understand Wife’s intense phobia/fear of dogs. Probably won’t make a difference if you try repeatedly to explain it to her.
So now you know what SIL’s boundary is. The dog comes before you and that’s not going to change.
So what do you do about it?
You decide what you are and are not willing to do and/or put up with. A reasonable compromise would be to meet for a meal at a neutral location (i.e., restaurant) for whatever the extended family poop-tacular is that particular month, thus forcing SIL to leave her Golden Child (the dog) at home.
You also need to be prepared to extend your regrets and RSVP as a no when one of these days, everybody else agrees/insists that the extended family poop-tacular is going to be at the Golden Child’s house (aka the dog’s house). You will need to be ok with people being upset/mad/angry at you. The world won’t come to an end because you don’t go to ONE poop-tacular.
At the same time, choosing to not speak to your sister because of the dog is, also, a choice. Your SIL has shown you who she is. Believe her. Accept it, decide what your boundaries are, and then move on with your life.
However, if FIL getting his way comes above everything else, then you also have another decision to make. FIL might need to also realize that he can’t have things the way he wants. And that’s ok, too.
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@sbinaz—I think you missed the OP’s comment above:
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So it’s not about the dog but about “being walked over”.
This is FIL birthday and not the time to “stand your ground” against a third party.
No problem though–if your wife doesn’t show up then everyone will draw their own conclusions. And they won’t be good. Pick your battles very carefully.
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This x1000. My sister was much younger and never, ever had to do anything difficult for my parents or with them. She showed up for an occasional “vacation”. I never knew when her family was coming or what they were doing - I was perpetually in the dark. The last straw was when H and I went out to dinner and there they were, having dinner with Mom. It was really hurtful to feel so excluded from my family. We never spoke again. And then she died. Don’t let that happen.
The other thing to do is go to Father’s B-day dinner and not interact with Sister. Your wife doesn’t have to talk to her, and if Sister tries to interact your wife can calmly tell her this birthday dinner isn’t the place - it’s about Dad, not about them. Sounds like enough people will be there that it won’t be weird if they don’t talk.
If that would make Father or Sister uncomfortable…well, your wife is uncomfortable now.
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I’m going to guess that if the OP were as convinced that the wife was in the right here, he wouldn’t be posting on an anonymous message board.
And there seems to be a consensus that showing up for a dog-free dinner in honor of the dad is the path forward.
Good luck.
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