Cliffs: Wife has 2 sisters and Father. SIL#2 asked if they could host Father’s Day/My Bday instead of us hosting as was the case in the past. We agreed. Wife asked if SIL#2 would put their newer dog outside or away while we were there. SIL#2 agreed in writing over text. Wife is not fond of dogs and her fear has grown worse over the years. SIL#2 used to have another dog but it was old and would leave us alone. That dog passed and they got a new dog that was a puppy and bigger. SIL#2 had dog outside at first and everyone was outside. Wife didn’t say anything. Time to eat we all went inside and dog did as well. Wife asked if dog could be put away. BIL told us if we didn’t like it we could leave. And we did.
We have been no contact with them since. We have seen SIL#1 and Father-in-law on occasion. FIL did not take a stance on the issue. FIL wants everyone to get together to celebrate his bday in May. Wife said no. FIL doesn’t understand why we won’t sit at a table for dinner with them.
Wife is second guessing herself, but in the end we know we are right. We asked for something they agreed and then didn’t do it and got upset when we called them on it. I hate for my wife to have to go through this but these people honestly don’t think they did anything wrong.
Just make a reservation at a restaurant which only allows service dog, send an evite with balloons and confetti and ask for RSVP’s by whatever date so you can tell the restaurant how many are coming.
In my neck of the woods, no restaurant will risk the Board of Health by allowing a non-service dog in the dining room. Or they will ask the patron to sit outside …either way, you and FIL get a nice meal out of it away from the drama…
How well does FIL understand that your wife fears dogs rather than some lesser level of dislike of dogs, and that SIL#2 broke her promise to keep the dog away the last time?
Do I remember correctly you asking for advice on this SIL/Dog situation before you went to their home last time?
I would not want to recreate the dog situation for your wife’s sake. Some people just won’t get how fear-filled this is for her. But I also think that holding that grudge just because you are right doesn’t move family dynamics back together. And leaves no FIL without his family together for his bday.
Is there some compromise? Getting together, no dog, celebrate your FIL’s bday?
I have to say it though it’s a cliché. Life is short and can change on a dime. Will you still be feeling that it is important to hold onto “right” if something happens to someone in the family?
I understand your wife’s fear. My D’s MIL has not been to D’s house since D & her H got a dog more than 4 years ago. They are more than willing to keep the dog on a leash or in another room while she’s there, but she won’t come. They now have a two year old, and that grandma doesn’t come over for holidays or birthdays.
D & her H take their child to the grandma’s house regularly. They visited her regularly before they had a child. It doesn’t matter whether they understand the source of SIL’s mom’s fear … they love her, and while they aren’t willing to live without a dog, they also aren’t willing to live without his mom. Families comprise when necessary.
In other words, your wife’s family needs to figure out a way to get together without the dog. If they can do that, hopefully your wife will accept the olive branch.
I don’t know what you’re really looking for, but I would consider doing what someone up thread suggested. Have a meal at a neutral place.
I understand being upset by the dog thing, but it doesn’t seem like it’s worth a long term family feud. They didn’t respect your conditions, even though they agreed in advance… totally shame on them. So don’t agree to go to their place and let them do that to you again.
They way I read this post (and I could be wrong) is that OP and his wife don’t want to sit at the same table with SIL#2 and BIL because they are still angry about what happened last year. If that’s the case, meeting up at a neutral dog-free location won’t solve the problem. Ultimately, OP and his wife are going to have to decide for themselves whether or not it’s worth it to try and salvage this relationship.
But my advice still stands. After my mother’s funeral, I buried the hatchet with a family member who had been involved in a 40 year grudge match with the rest of the family.
I had cousins who were shocked-- I told them “I just dropped a 50 lb weight from my shoulders and it feels great. She came to the funeral, expressed appropriate remorse for her part in the drama, I forgave her, life moves on”.
Who wants to hold a grudge in this day and age? Watch the interviews of the family members of the poor victims of the latest mass shootings- someone is always distraught that their last words were nasty or unkind.
I say- meet in a restaurant, celebrate the FIL, forget about what’s happened up until now. Wife has a dog-free meal, everyone else goes home to whichever pets and whatnot they choose.
Which is why I started my post the way I did.
In my opinion it makes total sense to not go back to the home of the sibling with the dog. BUT, I don’t think it’s worth not talking to the sibling again or not trying to attend family events and be civil.
I can see both sides (and I’m a dog owner). To be honest, I wouldn’t put my dog outside or in a closed room, she would absolutely freak out, since she’s always had free reign (she’s 12 and I’ve always been a SAHM, she rules the roost, and goes in and out of the house all day long). Was the dog upset about being kept outside? I know it’s sometimes hard for non dog lovers to understand that even though it’s an animal, it’s a member of the family (and some will bark/cry if not let into the house). Everyone needs to put on big boy pants and just gather where there are no dogs. My 20 year old was terrified of dogs when she was little (and her twin brother loved them), until recently she was afraid of cats, and is still afraid of horses (don’t ask me why).
I remember a comment someone made to me a long time ago.
“Do you want to be right or be married?”
Sometimes you absolutely know you’re right in a certain circumstance, but you find a way to move through it.
I am not part of this family, so I don’t know the overall dynamic, but I think it would be awesome if the wife could call or text the sister and say something like “I am still very angry (or hurt, or whatever) about what happened with the dog, but I’d like to move past it. Dad would like us to get together for his birthday, and I’m willing to meet at a neutral place. Please consider it.” If it’s true, she could even say something about missing the sister.
I am currently not that thrilled with my sibling. It’s complicated and complex. But for the sake of family unity, I’m ok with family gatherings.
Doesn’t mean I have to be their best friend. Doesn’t mean I need to give in, because my feelings are valid.
But my mom doesn’t need to pay for our disagreements. I do wish my mom would be more supportive because I’m supportive of mom when my sibling doesn’t respect my mom’s boundaries. But she doesn’t and I continue to be the best person I can be.
Dogs are one of those things that people who love dogs are convinced that their dog is “different” and you (the one scared of dogs, all dogs) will love their dog once you get to know them. It doesn’t work that way but dog lovers continue to believe that.
Your house, your rules, but in OP’s case, I think the issue is that the SIL promised to keep the dog away while they were there but when the time came, reneged on the promise. If that’s what happened, SIL and BIL were clearly in the wrong. That said, if it was me, I wouldn’t let something like this blow up my relationship with a sibling. However, like I said before, OP and his wife will have to decide for themselves and it doesn’t sound to me like they are ready to forgive and forget.
I should have been more clear. FIL’s bday gathering would be at a restaurant and the dog wouldn’t come.
My Wife currently refuses to be in contact with her sister in any form or fashion. My wife is waiting for an apology of some sort or at least for her sister to make the first move. There is some history of course, but breaking your word is a major issue we have. Then not acknowledging it is also not good.
My wife is probably most disappointed in her father for not really doing anything to bring them back together and then just wanting her and us to join them at a dinner like nothing has happened.
I know eventually something will bring the two back together but it will probably be many years. My wife is a wonderful human being that would give you the shirt off her back and is loyal beyond belief, but if you can’t hold to your word then she won’t associate with you.
I know members of my family who have held grudges for years because something didn’t go the way they wanted it to go.
I can’t change them, but there’s no way in the world that I will do the same. Life is way too short to do that, even when the other party is/was wrong. I’ve learned just to accept people the way they are, faults and all.
Maybe the sister didn’t realize how uncomfortable she would be keeping the dog outside? Fortunately in my family, and my husband’s family, we don’t hold grudges. We certainly know families who do this, the whole “dead to me” over an incident. One family lives across the street from the husband’s brother, cousins on both sides are close in age and grew up close. My friend’s teenaged son had a get together and didn’t invite his female cousin. They haven’t spoke in 3 years, it’s very hard on their parents as well for holidays. No grudge is worth that. My friend is an only child and loved the big family gatherings, the cousins loved hanging out together, and now one incident (caused by a 14 year old) has ruined it. Grudges are toxic, it would take a huge event for me to hold one, especially family, it’s like drinking poison hoping the other person dies. Life is too short.