My mother was raised by an uncle and aunt. They asked her if she wanted to be adopted when she was like 15, but she said no (her parents still lived in the town and she knew them). So she remained a niece. When her aunt died, she was listed in the obit as a daughter and she was very proud and happy. I think she realized she’d made a mistake in not making it a formal adoption.
Words and labels shouldn’t matter. You are making a family chart for a family event, not for future genealogist. And genealogists are learning that those names in bibles and on charts listed as ‘son’ or ‘daughter’ may not have been legally or biologically that relationship, so they are double checking with DNA or other records, notice that the child was 3 years old when the name was entered in the bible because it was a second marriage for the mother and the child had another father or was brought into the family after the death of a relative.
I have an adopted daughter. I wouldn’t think of listing her in any way other than daughter on a family tree. I don’t really care if it causes more work for future historians.
It sounds like the cousin and spouse consider this young woman her D and the woman considers them mom & dad. I’d confirm with cousin & spouse and proceed accordingly. If you want to add dotted lines and whatnot you could.
Parent of two adopted daughters here. I agree with Labeling the niece as daughter. I feel like her family that raised her to adulthood might be hurt if they are asked if she should be labeled as their daughter.
I would be hurt if someone asked me if an adopted label should be attached to my children on a family tree.
This. Then she is their daughter. If they had adopted her, you wouldn’t have the same issue on the tree…but there would be the same issue with DNA stuff. This family raised this young woman as their daughter. No one else did that.
Adoption seems different though than what is being presented here. I would hope an adopted child would never be noted as anything but son or daughter. I have an adopted niece.
My dad was raised by a maternal aunt and uncle when his mother died from complications of his birth. His older sisters remained with his dad . In any ancestry stuff, the aunt and uncle are not noted, just the biological parents. My grandfather still had a relationship with my father and so an actual adoption by aunt and uncle never took place. This was in the 20’s and things may have been more informal then.
But, I just looked at the 1940 census info on ancestry and the uncle was listed as head of household at 47, aunt at 45, and my dad was listed as 16 year old nephew. My mother’s mother died when she was a toddler. My dad’s aunt was the closest thing I ever had to a grandmother. She was Scottish and loved to make us tea and toast!
I would ask the cousin what they suggest. The one term I would avoid would be ward. Sounds like something out of Little Orphan Annie!
At the reunion, possibly have a poster that does not get into the nitty gritty. Just have connections noted like you would see online but don’t label anyone. Let people figure out the connections/details at the reunion.
The other possibility could be to forego any poster altogether at the reunion. There may be other situations that are also not as straightforward as they may seem on the surface. And the issues about how people might want to be seen in terms of gender identity, which also sometimes might not be as straightforward as identifiying a child as either son or daughter. Genealogy can be fun but some are more into it than others. I enjoy it myself.
A reunion could be just a good way to connect and introduce people to each other without worrying too much in advance about labels. Possibly meet and mingle and let people figure it out. Have fun!
@brantly is it really necessary to have a poster with this family tree at this reunion? I know you have probably worked very hard on this, but if it has the potential to create even a small bit of hard feelings for any reason…I wouldn’t do this at all.
As OP mentioned, they call her their daughter. To be honest, if I were in their place I would be hurt if someone asked me this question. Cousin’s mom also seems to refer to her as her granddaughter.
The biological mother doesn’t seem to have been involved much and isn’t even going to be present at this event. So unless the young lady herself feels differently, I don’t see an issue in labeling her as a “daughter”.
I don’t love the idea of having the family tree out. I know for our own family tree if it were accurate, some of the older generation would be very upset. But, if the goal was to not ruffle any feathers, the tree would be flat out inaccurate. Too many family “secrets” that could be uncovered in the tree.
That said, if the cousin consider’s the niece her daughter, that’s how I would label it on the tree.
You would be surprised how often she is noted as something other than ‘daughter.’ Even my mother said at one point just after the adoption “What do you call her, your foster daughter?” No, just daughter.
When we went to register her for a new school, the box asked for my name and relationship. The choices were “Natural mother” "stepmother’ “guardian” or “foster mother” My daughter looked at me and said “None of these are right.” We left it blank and no one ever asked.
It is more and more common to have non-legal relationships such as OPs, where a relative raises a child and considers that child theirs. We don’t really know the legal relationship as the aunt and uncle may have had at least a document from the parents allowing them to sign permission slips and get medical treatment. They also might just have signed them and no one questioned them.
I say do the family tree. If anyone objects to the niece being listed, that’s their problem.
Or have it on a big board and let people fill it in how they want their family known, and then make copies after the event and send it to everyone. You could start the tree with the grandparents (greats?) and the known branches (children) and let them fill in their spouses and children, grandchildren.
Wow—have never seen a form that had that much granularity. It normally just says parent or guardian and that’s it.
People can have different thoughts about adoption. In HI, being raised by someone else is called “hanai,” and it can be due to whatever reason. No one seems to bat an eye.
I do have a cousin whose mom was adopted. We all knew from when we were young kids but for some reason that woman never told her own kids, who were trying to figure out their genetic health risks.
Other kids who have been adopted (my nieces and nephews and others in our circle) know they have been adopted and it’s no secret. Different strokes, I guess.
I’m very into genealogy and see two very different issues here. A poster for a large gathering of people who mostly don’t know each other and an online family tree. For the poster she should be including under the people who raised her and will be at the event. I would also get rid of ALL labels of sons and daughters as you’re asking for huge issues with strangers and the current climate of people not accepting traditional labels.
If the research on the online tree is interesting for you - which I completely understand - what possible software are you using that doesn’t allow other designations? Every software I’ve seen has multiple options including biological, adopted, step, foster, guardian, related, foster or unknown. You can easily add the girl with her biological parents AND the parents that raised her listing them as they would feel fits best.
Slightly off topic, but I’ve been doing a famly history and hired a geneologist to help–my parents on both sides were immigrants and I had a very hard time with the language and the fact that most records were handwritten. What kind of software do you use?
My tree is built on ancestry as that’s where I started and I don’t have the energy to move it. Starting from scratch, I’d probably use RootsMagic. The software won’t solve the handwriting, although it does get easier over time. I have tons of handwritten Latin/Spanish records and I can do a much better job of navigating now than when I started.
Thanks, everyone. I’ve worked it out in my mind. This kind of sums up my decision.
The poster will show the niece as a child of my cousin and his wife. It will display her full name. Her last name is the same as her aunt’s (my cousin’s wife), but not her uncle’s (my cousin). In the online version, when you click her name to reveal details, there’s space to add a note. I wrote that she is the niece of my cousin’s wife, who raised her along with my cousin.
Although my cousin and his wife call HER their daughter, one detail I failed to mention earlier is that the young woman refers to THEM by their first names. Never mom and dad. She has a relationship with her mom.