Feedback needed for my essay please - Goal is to get an 12 in Jan :)

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
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<p>Hello everybody :)</p>

<p>So this is my 2nd time taking the SAT and I got an 8 both times. Yes I did read over AcademicHacker's tips, but I must be doing something wrong if I scored 8 twice :(
Because of the 8, although I only got 1 wrong on the multiple choice, I scored 730.</p>

<p><a href="http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1231634-critique-feedback-my-essay-please.html%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1231634-critique-feedback-my-essay-please.html&lt;/a>
This is my past thread with my older essay (also an 8) if you want to take a look.</p>

<p>ESSAY PROMPT: Do people benefit more from having many choices or few choices? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations. </p>

<p>With myriads of choices presented to one on a daily basis, one can initially feel overwhelmed, but will undoubtedly be grateful in the long run. The novels Flowers for Algernon and Brave New World, and the Universal Declaration of Human Rights demonstrate that options are essential to one’s life.</p>

<p>Charlie in Flowers for Algernon was a mentally disabled boy with an extensively limited lifestyle. After he was presented with a medical cure that would allow him to significantly advance his cognitive knowledge, his life changed completely. He became aware of all the options he was missing out of in his past, such as the chance to fall in love, to learn about academics, to discern between right and wrong, and to stand up for himself when others would treat him in a patronizing way. He was emotionally overwhelmed, but the glory of possessing the liberty to choose was greater. The happiness he felt from loving, his passion for science, and his choice about his own actions gave him freedom and authority.</p>

<p>On the contrary, the citizens in Brave New World are severely restricted in their decisions. The government has censored any options that may be dangerous to it. Instead of letting them make decisions for themselves, the government intoxicates them with a drug called’Soma” which gives them satisfaction. The reason for this is that the authorities want all the power to themselves. They know that if citizens choose to pursue their knowledge in science or have control over their own actions, each person would gain power and potential. IT is essentially wrong to deprive the people of their potential. They will never truly be satisfied, nor will they find their individual purposes in their lives.</p>

<p>The Universal Declaration of Human Rights was written in order to preserve the rightful freedoms that one should be entitled to so that one’s choices will be open. The document covers the fundamental rights in almost every aspect of life. This is done in order to give citizens the options that would benefit them. In that document, one is given the right to choose a nationality, to gain an education, and many more. This declaration was crucial in advancing the society.</p>

<p>As shown by the novels Flowers for Algernon and Brave New World, as well as the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, one will indeed benefit to have many choices . When proper discretion is employed, one will prosper from the liberty of having an abundance of options</p>

<p>(paragraphs were indented, book names were underlined.)</p>

<p>MY PERSONAL OPINIONS
-jumped around tenses, I should've used present tense for the first paragraph
-grammar mistakes
-did i go off topic? maybe i addressed 'freedom' more than 'choices'
-a bit too short, should've had better content</p>

<p>critical feedback is much appreciated :) Thanks in advance!</p>

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<p>Bumping this thread (: i have to do well on the jan sat T_T</p>

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<p>You would get a 10 at least. :D</p>

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<p>I agree with some of your personal opinions. For once, there were a few grammar mistakes there (some very simple mistakes such as the error of using a comma before a conjunction when the sentence is not compound) but grammatical mistakes by themselves should not lower your grade substantially from a possible 12 to an 8.</p>

<p>You slightly deviated from the topic and this slight deviation cause your essay to be a bit muddled. The prompt was about benefits of people from having more options. Your first example hit it on the spot. You clearly linked your Algernon example and went in-depth to support your thesis. However, the other 2 examples are weak.

  1. Your second example of the country never clearly underscored what benefits the people would get if they had options. And this is where you start to deviate: you give a whole new argument that it is wrong for people to deprive others of their potential. That’s a whole new essay by itself. You need to clearly link your example of the drug to the prompt. A good way to always link back to your prompt/thesis is by inserting the key words or phrases in your last few sentences of your paragraph. For instance: </p>

<p>“On the contrary [WHICH also doesn’t make sense, you need to come up with more collegiate and more coherent transitional phrases], the citizens in Brave New World are severely restricted in their decisions. The government has censored any options that may be dangerous to it. Instead of letting them make decisions for themselves, the government intoxicates them with a drug called’Soma” which gives them satisfaction. The reason for this [DON’T SAY PHRASES SUCH AS WHAT YOU JUST WROTE. IT’S A WASTE OF TIME AND TOO MUCH FLUFF. BE AS CONCISE AS POSSIBLE] is that the authorities want all the power to themselves. They know that if citizens choose to pursue their knowledge in science or have control over their own actions, each person would gain power and potential. [AND THIS IS HOW I WOULD CHANGE IT]. Thus, the government RESTRICTED MANY OPTIONS AND OPPORTUNITIES for the people to have, which had consequently affected the country in a disastrous outcome. The people did not have the BENEFITS of having a free will, being intoxicated by a drug, and therefore could not participate in many of the activities and liberties other people, such as we Americans, have enjoyed for centuries.”</p>

<p>It’s a bit vague but hopefully my point was clear. You need to almost blatantly link your example to the prompt; it has to be that clear. </p>

<p>Your third example is but a summary or an overview of a document. You need to write a sentence about some background info to help contrast the significance of the document first off. Then, this paragraph’s syntax is very elementary. They are all simple sentences and overall it actually hurts your essay rather than strengthening it. Be more specific about your last sentence. How did the Document advance society, and also which society did it advance. The sentence(s)( of Significance (I just made that up but it’s a good word to describe what I’m trying to say) should be somewhere near the end of each body paragraph. Your sentence of Significance was a bit too vague. Perhaps if you fitted that sentence to the beginning of the second to last sentence, it would be better. Of course it would be shorter but succinct (but don’t forget being as collegiate as possible) is better than long and vague. For example: “The declaration was crucial in advancing the society of [blank space] by providing opportunities for the people of [country’s name] with the right to nationality, the right to education, which by itself can lead to countless more opportunities in the modern world, and many more.” That shows significance of the Universal Declaration. I have never heard of it so I just put in the bracket marks.</p>

<p>Your verb tenses are fine. They jump from places to place but it follows logically, at least according to myself. If you still feel uncomfortable than that involves the overall syntax of your essay and not just the individual sentences you are trying to change.</p>

<p>In your conclusion, it is generally frowned upon when a scorer reads, “As shown” or “in conclusion.” Look through other essays on this website and see what other people use. Here are a few: “The examples of [this] and [this] clearly exposes and supports the view that people gain more benefits blah blah blah.” In the link “How to get a 12 Essay in 10 Days” (or something like that which you should look up on CC), the person suggests using the word “indeed” in your conclusion. I don’t remember exactly how he/she uses it but it was really good so I strongly suggest you check for it yourself and apply it to your next essay. </p>

<p>Your very last sentence is confusing. Your conclusion should only solidify your entire essay to answer the prompt, not confuse your reader. What I’m confused about is that you are trying to say that with proper judgement, people will benefit from having many options. Nowhere in your essay did you distinctly say anything about having proper discretion. Your only possible link is your second example, but that is just one out of three. </p>

<p>The essay length is appropriate. A stronger conclusion is needed however, which oftentimes means more sentences but that is not necessary.</p>

<p>Overall, this is a solid essay and I would give also give this essay an 8 or 9. Perhaps your scorer was stricter but whatever’s the case, try going online and find some past SAT essay prompts and write the essays. Do this once every week and your writing and brainstorming skills will improve dramatically through practice. Of course, get some feedback and I think, if I remember correctly, SATonline website grades essays for free. I’m not sure, but you should check it out. Hopefully, this has been helpful to you :)</p>

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<p>Sorry, didn’t have the time to read the whole thing but the first line struck me:</p>

<p>“With myriads of choices” should be “With myriad choices”. Common error. I’ll have a better look tomorrow; sorry, just a nitpicker personally ;P</p>

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<p>It can be either “With myriad choices” or “With a myriad of choices.”</p>

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<p>Thank you everybody, your help is much appreciated :)! I’ll keep all of the tips in mind. </p>

<p>If there are any more tips, I would love to hear them =)
Like I said, I got the same score twice even after I uploaded my essay here so I’d love to get as much feedback as possible!</p>

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<p>I generally agree with Josh05’s critique. For 2/3 of the essay (examples 2 and 3) you are off topic, not so much so that the readers will take your grade below an 8, but regardless of how much you improve your writing mechanics on this essay your score will remain in the 8 range.</p>

<p>I don’t quite agree with the strategy of finding new essay topics and writing essays under a 25 minute constraint. My sense is that this essay is an indication that you’re having difficulty in translating the essay topic into a coherent, focused and convincing thesis essay. This is a common problem for SAT essay writers.</p>

<p>I recommend that you stay with this same topic. Write an outline for each of the 5 paragraphs – introduction, 3 examples, and conclusion. For the moment don’t worry about writing mechanics – just the thesis and the proof. Don’t set a time limit. The point for you is to change your approach for writing SAT essays. The outline for example 1 would consist of 4-7 bullet points, each 3-4 words, that identify first the example and then incidents that constitute “proof”. Avoid the temptation to provide a summary of the book. Avoid assertions (unproven subjective interpretations). Avoid repetition. Avoid irrelevant summaries of incidents that don’t help your “proof”. Each point in the outline is an direct example that ties to the thesis – e.g. with “no options” == “what results”, “with options” – “what results”, "the latter was better ‘because’ ".</p>

<p>Then redo the essay. Don’t set a time limit. You need to be able to write a 10-12 essay before you can write such an essay in 25 minutes.</p>

<p>You may find it useful to redo the essay twice, the second time with a different set of examples, or a different take on the thesis.</p>

<p>Your writing mechanics need some tuning. But there’s no point working on this until you “get” the essential connection between the essay thesis and the essay proof.</p>