Financial Aid and Remarriage

Paying for College
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@mom2collegekids I appreciate the info. I am well aware of what options my children have and have reviewed all related threads and info many times. As would anyone I do wish for my children to have a choice in their college, both in terms of locations and programs offered which, money aside, their step siblings had. Most on that thread do not meet what they are looking for though in either of both areas, there is one from that thread on my older childs current list at my insistence though it is by no means his top choice. They have options, just not as many as I would like and if the OP feels they are now inadvertently limiting their future SD’s options it’s not a fun position to be in. Everyone would like to find a safety to love that is also affordable but those two often do not seem to go together. I of course have no way of knowing the real impact of that 13k “loss” but it could well eliminate a lof ot schools from a list.

@BelknapPoint and @2inanddone I do not deny that I have a heightened sensitivity to this issue and may overreact or read more into something than intended and if that is or was the case I apologize.

However, statements like:

I don’t see that as empathetic at all. I of course realize that neither of you made those statements but I find them highly offensive. At best they are insensitive. At worst, mean for no reason. I was brought up with the adage of if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Those were not nice in my opinion. I consider it unnecessarily cruel regardless of whether or not it would be a financial savings for the OP to do either of those things.

I just think there are nicer ways to deliver bad or unwelcome news. And yes they raised my defense flag rightly or wrongly. Whether or not the question was about prior prior or not, I don’t feel statements like that were called for.

By in large you may be right that slammed is an overstatement but the overriding theme was “suck it up buttercup” and I don’t find that empathetic even if it is the only real option (as I don’t consider the ones above valid).

The latter comments about Harvard, etc and mid life marriage lottery tickets, whatever appear purely directed at me

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As would anyone I do wish for my children to have a choice in their college, both in terms of locations and programs offered which, money aside, their step siblings had. Most on that thread do not meet what they are looking for though in either of both areas, <<<

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So what are you saying? Are you saying that you’re going to borrow your way so that your kids can have the choices their step-siblings had or the level of programs desired? I’m not saying that you should or shouldn’t…but if you do it will likely be a back-door way of having your current husband help pay…because while you’re paying those loans back, you won’t have the funds to contribute as much to the household.

If you’re not going to borrow to get your kids what you and they think they should have, how will the school bills be paid?

And, importantly, why are what the step-siblings had some sort of benchmark in your mind or your kids’ minds? Those kids had a different situation…two bio parents who would pay. Your kids, very sadly, don’t. Their bio dad hasn’t supported them (he’s the real villain here, not fed aid or institutional aid…put blame where it’s due.). I hope you’re able to keep that outstanding child support judgement against him…maybe someday he’ll inherit some money and maybe you’ll be able to recoup some money.

From your last post, it just sounds like your goal is to make sure that your kids have similar options, compared to their steps.

I think it’s important to point out that while most parents wish their children “a choice in their college,” many don’t have those options, which is why MOST American kids commute to their local CC or public. Most have no choice.

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@mom2collegekids There is no villain here, that’s not productive or healthy for anyone. One can’t get what doesn’t exist. My understanding is that arrears do not go away at 18, they just stop accumulating. However what that looks like in practice I’ve no idea. Mind you I do intend to find out, and I will admit to being shocked that the kids would never be notified of survivor or disability benefits. We just have to keep checking. It is possible that he may be able to start collecting SS towards the very end of S19’s college education if he elects early distribution but I would never count on such a thing. The kids however would not get any direct benefits as they would be past 18, it would only be garnishing what he receives and there are percentage caps. At this point I do wish he could get SSDI so the kids could have those benefits before they turn 18 but he has been rejected at least once a decade ago and I’ve no clue if he tried since.

At any rate, what I wish for and what is are two different things, it is my job to try to get them as close as possible within reason. Simply wishing doesn’t mean I intend to make stupid financial choices. Life isn’t always equal. Will I borrow? Possibly. But not extensively and if I do it will be based on what I perceive the return on investment to be. I will also not borrow alone. If the choice is made for a school that is not a financial safety but seems worth the difference (up to an agreed upon ceiling) based on quantifiable reasons, I fully expect my kids to have skin in the game. That may mean their own loan and likely means that they work while in school. They are fully aware of this. My H is aware of my total loan tolerance and does not find it unreasonable but again, the kid has to be all in as well. There are no schools on the list that do not have the potential of coming within the loan tolerance range and agreed upon ceiling.

As far as any loan of mine impacting the family household expenses I don’t see that as being different than the current colleges expenses being paid for my SD. We’ve had at least one child in college for 5 years straight now with 6 more to go. I’m aware of the impact to disposable income whether the system recognizes it or not. I think of a parent loan as a car loan (one car mind you for two kids to share!) and in terms of that amount and payment/payoff schedule. If it is needed.

The kids are well aware of the budget and their options. It motivates one to work towards non music major scholarship monies at appropriately targeted schools to supplement merit (and continue work on GPA and test scores). And for the other ideally to focus on a GPA and test score that would get him substantial aid on a less desirable location, (to him) such as Alabama, Florida or Kentucky as well as a few others that could deliver the honors experience he wants if he gets his act together. That one cares less about location than about the idea of working during college. We have an excellent flagship. It is a reach for one and possibly for the second as well though it is too early to tell. It is not the right fit for either of them and they are unlikely to apply. I am not going be to force a school that puts them in an unlikely to be successful position but what that actually looks like is completely different for each.

For S17, his 3 financial safeties all fall short in at least one area, some in multiples. Can that be livable? Maybe, maybe not, it will depend on the alternatives and what the real gap looks like. At the moment in many ways all of the financial reach schools fall short as well, just possibly not in as many or as critical of areas. In his case, he has committed to skin in the game, has really upped his game GPA wise within his capabilities this junior year and so as a parent I will do my best to help him find the best possible fit.

I would prefer to borrow absolutely nothing nor have my child borrow or feel pressured to work. But if it comes down to the inability to major in a certain specific, unique or hard to find program at a location my child will thrive in, them some may be worth it to both of us. Time will tell and in the meantime I’ll keep doing my due diligence.

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<<<
Will I borrow? Possibly. But not extensively and if I do it will be based on what I perceive the return on investment to be. I will also not borrow alone. If the choice is made for a school that is not a financial safety but seems worth the difference (up to an agreed upon ceiling) based on quantifiable reasons, I fully expect my kids to have skin in the game. That may mean their own loan and likely means that they work while in school. They are fully aware of this. My H is aware of my total loan tolerance and does not find it unreasonable but again, the kid has to be all in as well. There are no schools on the list that do not have the potential of coming within the loan tolerance range and agreed upon ceiling.
<<<<

Please consider that unless your kids are going into investment banking on Wall Street, there really isn’t an ROI to consider. 99% of careers are not impacted by choice of college. The engineer from the local state school will get the same starting pay as the engineer from Purdue. The RN will make the same, the teacher will make the same, and so forth. The differences in other careers’ salaries will be because of the person, not the school.


[QUOTE=""]
As far as any loan of mine impacting the family household expenses I don't see that as being different than the current colleges expenses being paid for my SD. We've had at least one child in college for 5 years straight now with 6 more to go. <<<<

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I’m glad you think that way. However, there is a difference, but that’s fine. The difference is that it sounds like your H earns a good bit more than you do, so his tuition payments have likely just made his remaining income closer to yours…meaning his household contributions could still match yours.

If you’re earning a lot less, then your loan payments will mean that you will contribute an even lesser amount to the household and your H would be paying for more of YOUR expenses. That is fine in my mind because that’s what happens in marriages, but if that were to happen, then the argument against him helping pay for your kids’ college expenses becomes moot…because if he’s now paying more to support you so that you can make student loan payments, then he’s indirectly helping pay your kids’ tuition.

In case the above is confusing: Imagine your current marriage was your first marriage. Your husband earns $100k and you earn $50k. Your own income is not high enough for you to save anything on your own. Imagine that your H was giving his elderly parents $10k per year for 8 years, and then they died. Because he earns $100k, he’d still be able to match your contribution to the household AND save some money for you both. But, if at some point, you began giving your elderly parents $10k per year, you would be decreasing your contribution to the household, and your husband would be covering your shortfall. Now, your H has no obligation to help support your elderly parents, but if he’s now paying more of the household expenses because you now have less to contribute, he’s effectively helping support your parents.

Again, I’m not criticizing the above…that’s how marriage often works.

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I think the OP has a good set of responses by now and the thread is wandering way off track so I’m closing. If the OP comes back and has more questions I invite him/her to start a new thread.