This is a cross post from surviving freshman year discussion, but really in need of feedback here!
We are facing a challenging problem that encapsulates both time management and finances. DS started Oregon State this fall. We live in Portland, about 90 minutes away. His closest friend is at U of O, about an hour or so further south. We chose a meal plan and I gave him minimal spending money (like $150), with the agreement that we would review finances after the first month to see if this aligns with what is needed. He also has savings from his Summer job.
I gave him a credit card to use for college books and supplies plus any online class costs etc. Find out yesterday that he has been using the credit card to come to Portland with his friend from U of O, eating out (outside of school), visiting U of O etc. to the tune of $2,000 (!!! - my bad for not reviewing the charges sooner) within the last four weeks. He’s clearly not on campus a lot of the time and I feel like we are watching a failure to launch.
Any ideas or suggestions? My take is he’s not mature enough to manage himself. Maybe he should go to our local college, Portland State. His response has been completely lacking in remorse and I’m honestly worried that there is more going on than just crazy spending - mental health issues or drug addiction.
FWIW, he does not have a car, has room & board paid for, phone paid for, in addition to the spending money and his savings.
Well, he would be paying that $2000 credit card bill with his savings, and then the credit card would be taken away
What does he say about it? Does he want to stay at Oregon St? Does he want to stay if the condition is that he stay on campus all the time, except for maybe one weekend a month which he’d have to finance on his own.
It really seems like he was paying for the whole group. If not, he spent $500 per weekend on himself?
He’s definitely paying that $2000 credit card bill from his savings. Otherwise he has no skin in the game! He says he wants to stay at Oregon State. His response was if he’s paying for everything himself, he would go where he pleased (which is not true, as we are paying tuition and room & board).
And agree that he is paying for the whole group - he has had this dynamic in the past few years where he feels he needs to treat his friends. I suspect this has gotten out of control recently.
I’m going to give it a day or two and regroup for an (ahem) unheated discussion about this. I like your point about asking him what he really wants to do and if he’s ready for the time commitment of staying on campus. Another idea we had was for him to get a job on-campus - he gets spending money and has to spend more time there.
If you don’t close the card, you can limit the credit through the issuer. Don’t let him take advantage of you. It’s a teachable moment for both. His lacking remorse shows that he’s too immature to handle the situation.
I don’t think it would be any different at Portland State or any other school. He has to want to stay at school and be part of that school, not always going to meet friends and partying it up.
Close the card. Stop giving him spending money all together. My kids covered their own spending money & books. He can do the same. Tell him he just used up his entire spending money budget from you for 4 years treating his buddies, and all that expense is on him now. I’d set a minimum GPA for you to continue to fund college, too.
If you close the card and require him to repay the money, but leave him at Oregon State with base funding for tuition, room, and board, do you think he will be successful academically? With only baseline funding, he will need to learn quickly about budgeting for anything more than the baseline cost of school.
Did he admit to treating his friends without being reimbursed? Otherwise, he could have put everything on his credit card, and had his friends Venmo their portions to him. And you don’t see the Venmo account because he set that up on his own.
Close the card. Make him pay it back. Stop giving him money. If he has to buy something essential, you may do it if you wish (like books) but he really should do it by himself with his own job.
Most students can very easily cover their own books and incidental spending money. I’m not a fan of giving students an allowance especially if you’re already paying for school. They can pick up the extras.
Do you see actual charges adding up to the $2K, restaurants and what not? Or is it cash withdrawals? $2K seems like a lot of $$ to spend for a few weekends off campus, any way you slice it. I assume he’s staying with his friend. If it was me, above and beyond just the sheer sum of spending, I’d want to ascertain that it wasn’t going to something like drugs, online gambling, etc.
You say he is “completely lacking in remorse”-- to me that’s the most frightening part of the story. This doesn’t sound like a kid who didn’t realize how much he was blowing through, it sounds like a kid who is either assuming he’s entitled to blow though your money, or a kid facing some sort of a monkey on his back that leaves him unable to control that spending.
Either way, it’s time for this to stop.
I agree with @lookingforward : replace the credit card with a debit card that has an absolute limit on it-- to be used for real emergencies.
I’m not sure how to handle the idea that he may be into some unhealthy things.
So sorry, I don’t know if I’d be more disappointed or angry but either way its a reality check for you and him. I like the idea of setting a minimum GPA and taking away the credit card. He can call you if he has an emergency and you can take care of it on your end. He unfortunately sounds like a kid that is used to having his parents bankroll his fun.
Very similar situation going on with a friend’s daughter. It’s so sad because she worked really hard to get into a great school but now she is spending a lot of money and not always on campus at class. I think she is burned out from working so hard in high school and she has never had fun or freedom before. I also think this is rather common with this generation because they grew up watching us use cards all the time so they don’t have a great sense of money and the value of it. Everyone has given you good advice. Just want to let you know that I don’t think your story is that uncommon.
I actually immediately put a hold on the credit card and after I checked with him that day that he was the one spending the money, I cancelled the card immediately. We will work out some other approach to emergencies but it is definitely not going to involve a credit card!
What scares/disappoints me the most is that this behavior is out of character for him. We have never bankrolled anything for him. He has had a part time job since Sophomore year with clear expectations on what he would pay for - we paid for his cell phone, he paid for the insurance on his beater truck that he saved up to buy, as well as any outings, dates etc. He didn’t always have a 4.0 GPA but he had good grades in high school and was dependable.
I like the idea of a minimum GPA a LOT so we will institute that. Also, he will need to pay back (or have a plan to pay back) the credit card or we are not paying next semester’s tuition.
I would like to speak with someone at OSU about this but not even sure where to start - the spending is so nuts and this behavior so unlike him that it feels like something is seriously out of whack. I had a couple of friends in college who had manic depression and it actually looked a lot like this.