<p>We sent our son to BS partly to avoid having to do any kind of academic monitoring. If you think your child might be underserved by the school you chose then, in fact, you may have chosen the wrong school. Not sure how peeking at schoolwork is going to give you that information, though. There is absolutely no way any student at any of these rigorous schools will be underserved academically as they cannot “top out.” If that rare student runs out of formal courses in any discipline, there are always independent studies with top-notch faculty and often partnerships with prestigious universities to supplement. If you are saying your child is a prodigy, so are many others, and the BS know how to handle them. You should be able to assume that your child was placed the classes appropriate to her level and is being challenged accordingly. A good BS will move a student even after classes have started if the current class is over or under her ability. You should be able to be confident of this.</p>
<p>Sounds to me like you need to speak at length to your daughter’s advisor and establish a relationship with this person to address your concerns. Your child’s advisor will know whether or not any tweaking needs to be done.</p>
<p>Look, there’s just no way here to ask a question about how something works in BS without also getting answers from people questionning whether it should work that way or not. You obviously wish you had more direct involvement with the day to day learning process for your child, other people think that’s not really how it works for BS. You don’t need to get all defensive about having a different viewpoint, nor do you need to police whether other people’s answers are or are not responsive to your original question.</p>
<p>I have to admit, I was used to seeing that stuff electronically during D’s middle school years. At first, I felt really out of the loop now that she’s at BS. But I realize now what a relief it is, b/c it prevents me from obsessing about her grades! : ) </p>
<p>I think BigValley is right. Most of us didn’t respond to the OP question in a helpful way, but we got a bit judgemental… we need to remember that we are here to support each other… and we will not always have the same perspective… that doesn’t mean someone is fair game for being called a ‘helicopter parent’. That felt unfair and unkind. Can we all be friends?? :)</p>
Let me restate it more gently:
If parent cannot FEEL CONFIDENT that child will put out best academic effort w/o parent standing over shoulder to QC child’s work, then parent should strongly consider whether a IN LOCO PARENTIS school arrangement is the best situation for parent. A day arrangement might be more suitable for parent.</p>
<p>This was a sensitive topic for our family, because we enriched greatly at home and were very involved in schoolwork thru grade 8. And our D was several years subject accelerated as a result of all of those collective efforts.</p>
<p>Off to Boarding School and NOTHING - no info. We came up with a tentative 4 year course plan (since she already had 2 years of HS credit) - NOTHING. </p>
<p>Very anxious first term. Advisor says no news is good news. D says “I’m just a first year student”</p>
<p>Grades and amazingly complete comments from teachers (pages) came back at the end of 1st term. Class levels were adjusted (a bit) but eventually just where they had placed her turned out to be just right. We relaxed. Her school is great. Now she is a 3rd year and they have encouraged her passions, and her independence and responsibility exceedingly well.</p>
<p>So I have to suggest, as a prior helicopter pilot, to trust the schools. They have educated lots of kids as bright and special as yours. They let the kids settle in a bit, and you should all end up knowing it is a good fit pretty quick.</p>
<p>And I had to find something else to do instead of be a helicopter. So the only grades and comments I see are end of term. And my daughter makes her own course decisions.</p>
<p>That’s not gentle. That’s snarky, GMT. Every parent who has chosen boarding school has considered both day and boarding school options before choosing the latter. </p>
<p>I hope no one reading your remarks thinks that they ought not send a child to boarding school if they think the way I do about parental involvement. In this age of electronic communication, we can be more informed and helpful (as well as annoying) to our boarding kids than we have been in the past. And one of the ways we can be uniquely helpful is by reading what they write and responding to it with our knowledge of what our kid has written outside of school, etc. To put it simply, we can see more quickly than anyone else when our kid is not performing at or above his abilities. That is, unless we’re afraid of being called the “H” word …</p>
From the many parent threads I read in this forum (i.e. ‘empty nest woes’, ‘junior doesn’t call home enough’) it is apparent that many parents who chose boarding school for their child were focused on the academic needs of their child and did not grasp the SCOPE of the oversight of their children they would cede by simultaneously:
choosing boarding, and
moving their kids from a coddled middle school environment to an independent high school environment.</p>
<p>I know how hard it is for you, because I was there before as a first year parent. Breathe deeply and autorotate…</p>
<p>I also find some of the “support” offered in this thread pretty judgemental. Believe it or not, not every parent who reads teacher comments is a “helicopter parent.” Although I found it advantageous to see my dd’s grades in real time, I don’t believe I’ve looked at one of her essays in years.</p>
<p>GMT, I hope you have shared your advice with people on the threads you are referencing. This is not one of those threads, and I am not a first year boarding parent.</p>
<p>PelicanDad, GMT, why are you flinging insults and advice to another parent in cyberspace? Did I insult your parenting by suggesting that you are not doing your job as parents unless you try to see the back and forth on essays? I can understand your feelings, and apologize to the extent I have insulted your parenting. Boarding parents get enough of that without doing it to each other.</p>
<p>Have to agree with BigValley that the snark level is pretty high on this thread. We all have different relationships with our kids. Our kids are all encouraged and supported by various levels of parental monitoring. As my kids would say, Jeez. Stop hating homies…</p>
<p>I also agree that that first set of teacher comment is a huge relief. The teachers are wonderful about sharing what they’ve done in class, and I’ve found their assessment of my son’s strengths and weaknesses spot on. I do think that once you’ve received those, you’ll worry less and realize that your son is being challenged and that the teachers are well aware of what he’s capable of.</p>
<p>First year, my kid shared all of his grades with us–often as he was walking back to his dorm. He volunteered at first because he was in a constant panic about every grade. He shares less frequently now, which isn’t a big deal, but I don’t think it’s a big deal to ask him how he did on his math test either. And, to answer the OP’s question again, I’ll sometimes ask him to forward online comments or to take a snap of his paper with his phone and send it to me. He’s a good writer, so it’s really just because I enjoy reading it–but I’m pretty sure that there are times when knowing I’ll want to look at it at some point holds him to a higher standard. And there’s nothing wrong with that either.</p>
<p>Big Valley hasn’t expressed anything other than an interest in seeing the process. As a professional writer, I can promise you it is a very rare author who doesn’t seek out multiple readers, and its perfectly possible that a parent may be a great teacher as well. I have chosen not to edit or critique my dd’s work but its not the only valid choice. A child whose parents are “helping” with homework i.e doing the work is going to struggle mightily at bs. But not every bs teacher is a master of their craft either. BSs attract a lot of young, inexperienced teachers as well - this is the demographic most likely to live in a stinky dorm and put in the long hours required. Their youth is also a great strength for this lifestyle.</p>
<p>But…I agree it’s called independent school for a reason. There is a fine line between encouraging and micro- managing. If you opt for bs, you need to be happy on the bench. My dd was eager to hear what we thought of her teachers, and they were great! Sharing our thoughts about each assignment she completes would never be constructive.</p>
<p>"But I think my kid would probably produce better essays if he knew I was going to be seeing them … "
could be followed by
[because I am Alice Munro and I do write.]</p>
<p>If it was me who wanted to see my son’s writings, of course, it would be helicoptering since I should really have no business there.
Unfortunately, my kids are in a public school and I am the one who has to teach writing, but that’s another story.</p>
<p>On the other hand, if my son was in BS and was doing a science project or competition, I would want to know every detail and be able to provide significant support and critique. That is not necessarily helicoptering (but possibly a occupational hazard. ;)</p>
<p>I have a different take than most of those who have posted in this thread. I think kids are different at the age of 14 in terms of their readiness for boarding school life. There’s not a clear cut as to who is ready and who is not for boarding school. More often than not, kids who choose to attend boarding school are those relatively more mature than their peers although some may take more time and help to reach the level of independence needed. The point is to find the best way to work with your kid and with the school and help your kid <em>learn</em> to become indepedent. </p>
<p>Is checking his written work a best way? Well, I think you can give it try. For what it’s worth, I did check DS’s work when he was a freshman. Although I didn’t make a “pact” with him requiring him to send all his written work for pre-submission screening and post grading review, I did try to gather all his papers and tests returned to him from his desk and anywhere I could reach when I came up to visit. For a couple of papers with so many comments on the margins that felt concerning to me at the time (looking back, that was not concerning at all, and it’s exactly what we sent them there for!), I went over them and made sure he understood all the comments and/or did indeed read those comments. With time, I could sense that he was really taking care of his business and didn’t want me to intervene the way I did. So we moved on to a different stage where he felt comfortable updating me with the grades, status and sometimes issues with his tests and projects without me looking into the details, and that fit my lifestyle perfectly! </p>
<p>So I would say if your son likes the idea, sure try it out. A word of caution though. He will be leading a hectic life, and your comments/requirements could quickly become an additional burden to him and add to the pressue he’s already taking from multiple fronts. Not to mention your input may be in conflict with his teachers, making it awkward and hard for him. So, tread that water carefully, and take a step back whenever possible. Good luck!</p>
<p>payn4ward:No claims to being Alice Munro…but you’re right that it’s because I spend my days teaching college composition that I have an interest in my kid’s writing, and my eye on the papers matters a bit. I don’t ever recall asking him to send me a copy of his math test or having input into his other work, other than a vague but hearty parental, “Do your best.” :P</p>
<p>GMT…I think the OP was asking how/if others had figured out a way to have a “virtual backpack.” Whether or not we should be rummaging in that backpack at is an individual choice in my view–but at the very least, opinions on that should be taken to another thread because it’s derailing this one’s original purpose and making CC feel pretty unwelcoming right now.</p>
<p>Agree with Benley. We transitioned slowly from life at home to life at boarding school by continuing to talk about grades, look at papers, etc. This helped and comforted my kid as he made a huge life transition–he had no problem sharing his work with us; in fact, he initiated almost all of the sharing. Agree with Benley’s caution as well though–their lives are crazy, and I only commented on work when asked. My son’s humanities teachers, by the way, always asked who students were going to for help, and never had a problem with it as long as they knew what was happening. Maybe it was because they knew I was an English teacher and would be creating more, not less work for CMchild with my comments…but it was never an issue (I saw comments on rough drafts to that effect, so I’m not just deluding myself). Everybody’s different.</p>
<p>I feel that OP deeply cares about writing and may be a professional writer and teach writing for a living thus would like to prevent his/her budding Pulitzer writer gliding effortlessly through.</p>
<p>I often teach and help my kids math and science because unlike many parents and teachers, I can.
If I hadn’t gone through the junk(?) in my kid’s backpack, I wouldn’t have discovered the fact sheet in 5th grade science listing the friction as “the force that pulls object together.” - mistakenly swapped text from gravitation.
What else are they un-teaching ?!!</p>
<p>OK… so a related question (and I wavered about posting this but am now ready for the flames). </p>
<p>There seems to be a lot of judging on this thread about kids being ready or not ready to go away. What if you have a kid who is totally capable of handling the going away etc. but struggles anyway in the first term. Are you saying that if a kid goes away from home at 14, and has trouble adjusting to the workload that they are not ready? Even if they can handle all the other aspects of being away? </p>
<p>I do not check my child’s work. Nor did I expect to. She won’t allow that. Score one for independence. But, how do you handle failures and academic struggles as such a child works out how to “do it all” in her own. What is your opinion the right amount of help from parents? Do we just let them fail, even though they are capable of success? Success is not always immediate. Many people need to go through a process of trying and failing to get there. Does this mean such a person is not ready for boarding school? I don’t think so – boarding school can be a place where the skills necessary for success are learned. It seems like some people on CC are saying that if they aren’t a total success by 14 then they should stay home. Please tell me I have gotten the wrong idea? I value a lot of what I read on CC…</p>
<p>To me it all comes down to this: you know your child best–what kind of support he or she needs or resists; how ready he/she is to make the leap into the independent lifestyle of boarding school. We have options in terms of how involved we remain in our kids’ lives, and there are no right or wrong answers; we’re all trying to walk that fine line between overbearing support and pulling away the beams. I think it’s possible to cross the line in both directions, but there’s no rule book here or system that works best for every kid.</p>