Getting written feedback on boarders' work

Prep School Admissions Prep School Parents
41

<p>

^^No, not at all. The yard stick in measuring whether a kid is ready for boardin school is whether he/she WANTS to be there, behaves and gets along with others. If the kid is struggling academically in the beginning, it’s perfectly normal and as a matter of fact expected. Kids are different also in the extent they are willing to ask for help or ask for help from their parents. I would hope they include parents as one source of the help they could get because it is a very reliable source. HOW you help is really an individual choice between you and your kid, as long as parents don’t lose the sight that the purpose is to eventually let the kid be flying on thier own.</p>

42

<p>Whew. My kid very much wants to be there. She is still working out how to manage the schoolwork. I can’t help much – both because of distance and because she won’t accept it. The rest of it - she loves. Even feels sorry for her friends back home as she feels she has already made friends she feels like she has known her whole life. Everything but the academics has gone well. I think she is a kids that almost “needs” to fail to see where she needs to change - but I have to say, it is hard to watch!</p>

<p>I would be the last person in the world she would ask for help. Unfortunately. Because I could offer good, general advice. I went to boarding school, and had a similar beginning. I was fine in the end. But my kid is one who has to work it out on her own. Good and bad. So I help behind the scenes! What? you didn’t think I would totally stay out of it, did you! LOL Seriously, I am using the advisor as the one to check in… my technique of reminding her of the need to “step it up” kinda backfired. I don’t want to be the one adding pressure. I want to take some off. But I need to do it with a “softly, softly” approach. Otherwise, how will she learn to do it on her own? </p>

<p>But, I have to agree with classicalmama: every parent/child relationship is different. We all have things we do which are non-negotiable and things we wish we had done differently. I guess our chief job is to support and adapt. I am working on it!</p>

43

<p>I was very hands on K - 6th grade, but when my kids went away to BS in the 7th grade, I knew I had to employ a more benign- neglect parenting style. Not so much for me, but for them. Honestly, I was more concerned about other things… like their frontal lobes not being fully developed and all the “fun” that can entail.</p>

<p>I think parents need to set the standard going in and step back. I’ve seen too many “overly engaged” parents (with the BEST intentions) derail what should be a wonderful experience for their kids.</p>

<p>It’s all about balance. There’s no doubt (from what I’ve read) the OP will find the right level of involvement. I just think there was an abundance of caution thrown at her.</p>

<p>London: You sound more like a safe harbor parent than a helicopter parent to me. You also know what your daughter is going through because you’ve been there yourself. I know I view things about BS differently than other parents based on my own experience.</p>

44

<p>PhotographerMom: I like to think I am a “safe harbor”. Despite my general hands-off approach, I have lots of angst about it. And my daughter would say I am a jet helicopter. I am still too involved to suit her - LOL Mostly I think she says that because I am usually right and it annoys her. :-)</p>

45

<p>London, nothing you have said about your child or your relationship says “bad fit” for boarding school to my ear. Lots of kids in the boarding schools I know well are getting academic support well beyond classroom hours from teachers and residential staff. Kids who would never ask a parent or a teacher at home for help are getting it from teachers in residence and other staff.</p>

46

<p>London,
the volume and challenge of work at BS is beyond shock for most bright eighth graders coming from average US school systems. Most kids learned how to skate along doing almost nothing in middle school because they were so darn bright.</p>

<p>Most of the boarding schools REQUIRE 45 minutes of concentrated homework per class. (My Ds school just dropped down to 45 from 60, at the request of students, and some faculty, which has been years in the making and was resisted) That’s 5 or 6 classes a day - plus clubs, sports, maybe friends and sleep. THAT’s 5 HOURS A DAY, EASY.</p>

<p>My D wakes up early to finish homework, uses free periods during the day - for homework. Lunch=food plus homework. 2-3 hours of study hours every night. Studies on weekends. Average additional study time for a test = 20 hours per test.</p>

<p>10 minutes to herself is an unexpected blessing.</p>

<p>The first term is about realizing that old patterns and study habits have to change. Often that is a painful learning experience. Straight A students commonly get Cs and maybe Ds. </p>

<p>I found that listening to the wailing and despair, being supportive of the frustration, and gently suggesting more study time over other choices has helped. It is challenging to see them struggle so. It is also not for all kids. Older D never did care for it, and came home after one year. Younger D loves it and has flourished.</p>

47

<p>FWIW I had mentally prepared for a disaster of a first term. That doesn’t mean I am any more ready for it – LOL. I think you are right that many bright kids just don’t know what studying really means. To many, homework is filling in a sheet, or doing math problems. The reality of learning to review notes, do extra help sessions, and making sure that memorization is done is much harder for them (my kid included) to grasp. I am actually hoping hitting rock bottom will be the catalyst for change… and I am hoping the school will be patient as well. </p>

<p>I have been discouraged a bit lately about the fact that when I was growing up, kids were able to make so many mistakes… the kind of mistakes that provide huge personal growth. Today’s kids have the added pressure of an immediate world where mistakes are publicized - often at shocking speed. But, I am hijacking this thread! Sorry!!!</p>

<p>Thanks all for the good info and kind words!</p>

48

<p>

No, this is not what I am saying. Plenty of kids (GMTson included) had a rough start in boarding school. He got a big wake up call that first term that (unlike at his middle school where he coasted) he actually needed to study. </p>

<p>What I am saying is directed to PARENTS, not kids:
If you feel YOU need to PERSONALLY coach your kid’s homework on a regular basis so YOU can sleep at night (because YOU are not confident that child will perform fully without YOU), then day school is a more practical option for YOU.</p>

49

<p>Saying that a high school aged student will do better if he knows his parents will see his major assignments is NOT saying that the parent wants to constantly “coach” the student or is up at night with worry. I do not understand the attack here, and I think you’re taking someone else’s words and giving them the worst possible spin.</p>

50

<p>read all the OP’s posts again</p>

51

<p>What if OP was asking if there is streaming or recorded video of scrimmages for ice hockey? Because OP travels and coaches an NHL team and would love to watch the kid and kid’s team develop?</p>

<p>Having a vested interest can be different from controlling.</p>

52

<p>I hear the concerns of the struggle that first semester or so as they adjust to everything. Some saying your typical A student could end up with c 's or even d’s. I find this concerning because of the big negative impact on their overall GPA which is very important in applying to college vs staying where they are and still end up with all A’s. Any insight would be greatly appreciated. My child really wants to go and is mature but the academic rigor discussed above is exactly the adjustment he will have coming from a large public school I am sure. Just wondering thoughts on GPA implications of adjustment period.</p>

53

<p>Southhockeymom, to make it simple, let me refer you to Andover’s school profile. As you can see, for Class 2014 by the end of the upper (3rd) year only about 5% of students’ GPA is below 4 , which is equivalent to B, with Andover’s 6 point grading system. And don’t think this is just a random example. There are of course other schools just as rigorous as Andover but because its relative bigger size (a graduating class of 300+ students) Andover is widely believed to be one of the most competitive. </p>

<p><a href=“http://www.andover.edu/Academics/CollegeCounseling/Documents/PhillipsAcademySchoolProfile2013-2014.pdf[/url]”>http://www.andover.edu/Academics/CollegeCounseling/Documents/PhillipsAcademySchoolProfile2013-2014.pdf&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

54

<p>@southhockey…many boarding schools don’t count freshman grades in gpa reporting, just soph and jr. They do this in recognition that many freshman need a year to come up to speed.</p>

55

<p>Just make sure you check. At Parents’ Weekend at Deerfield, they warned us many of the students believe (and tell their fellow students) that Freshman grades don 't count-- but they totally do. As Benley suggested about Andover, most students don’t end up with C’s and D’s over time-- but check with the individual schools to see whether Freshman grades count (and don’t just ask the tour guide).</p>

56

<p>I remind everyone this is an anonymous internet message board. As such, we will interpret others’ posts in the light of our own experiences. </p>

<p>First: I know a family whose child graduated from our local public high school. The mother has stated she and her husband are “helping the child with essays” due in a college class. Modern technology makes this possible. (The mother casts aspersions on the professor. I have no way of knowing if these aspersions are accurate.) In case I’m being too subtle about the description, I’m certain the parents are writing sections of the child’s essay.</p>

<p>So, my question of, “when will you stop?” was not snark. It was a serious question about the extent of this parent’s planned intervention. Is it a limited time intervention, to make certain the student interprets the teacher’s feedback appropriately? Or is it open-ended, the only justification being that without the intervention, the student won’t produce his best work?</p>

<p>Either interpretation is conceivable. This is an anonymous message board. </p>

<p>Second: Achievement/intelligence tests are not calibrated for academic prep schools. There are quite a few boarding school students who could conceivably matriculate in college, were they only to be judged on their intelligence and academic preparation.</p>

<p>And yet, some students who score at the highest levels on intelligence tests have difficulty adjusting to living and studying away from home. It isn’t an insult to the child or family to inquire if this might be so. Intelligence, academic skills, and maturity don’t develop at the same rate. It would be nice if they did. Homesickness cannot be predicted. </p>

<p>It can also be thrilling for a bright child who has been lonesome at home to suddenly enter an environment with intellectual peers. Schools vary in the degree of personal freedom they allow students. Some schools require study halls; others don’t. I like mandatory study halls for younger students, because at the least it means the students aren’t distracting each other for at least two hours. It can be hard to buckle down and study if a buddy’s offering to critique your wardrobe or play computer games (adjust temptation as needed.)</p>

<p>Third: sometimes learning disabilities only show up in high school, particularly if the child’s really, really smart. It isn’t an insult to the child or family to inquire if this might be so.</p>

<p>Fourth: some teachers grade particularly strictly at the beginning of the year. Thus, the grades sent home in the first grading period aren’t the grades which will have been earned by the end of the year. </p>

<p>Fifth: If parents are concerned about a child’s performance, it is necessary to speak with the advisor. There are many steps a school can take which can help a child. The student might need to visit the writing lab (if there is one), or might need to work on basic grammar skills. As there are official bodies which discourage the teaching of grammar, this is entirely conceivable. Schools can require supervised study halls, with teachers on hand to give guidance if necessary.</p>

<p>Sixth: Some prep schools have strict grading policies. If you look at Deerfield’s school profile, only 2 students achieved averages over 95 last year; about a third of the senior class scored over 700 on each part of the SAT, though, and they have great college placement. The grades earned in freshman year may not correlate with the grades earned in middle school, but that doesn’t necessarily mean there’s a reason to worry. </p>

<p>Seventh: The schools I know well are goverened by honor codes. They take plagiarism very seriously. I do not know how they would treat a student who allowed others to rewrite his work. I would not want to find out. A teacher or tutor at school will know what help is permissable under the school’s rules. If a student’s work makes a sudden jump in sophistication, teachers will notice.</p>

<p>I do not know you. I am not implying you would go that far. This is an anonymous message board.</p>

57

<p>Why guess at the motivation for the question at all – let alone imagine that something bad for the kid or the parent is in the offing? I understand curiosity, and concern for kids who may be browbeaten by a parent, but the animus here smells like something else. Again, I apologize if I insulted your parenting in asking how boarding parents get access to things that you never thought to ask for. No that I have read more posts and threads on CC that bemoan the criticism boarding parents get from others, I know I should have guessed that the reaction to my question would be hostile. I’ve apologized. If you expect me – or any parent reading this thread – to post the facts that prompted the question, I am sorry to disappoint. Call me mad helicopter mama or whatever else you want, but why? Would like to see parents put the kid’s business in this public street, where despite the pseudonyms, readers can put two and two together? That sure would not be good for the kids, edifying as it might be for us parents.</p>

58

<p>Some boarding schools have “pass/fail” first terms. Not a bad idea.</p>

59

<p>Every new poster should read this thread on the main forum: <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/prep-school-admissions/427714-if-youre-new-cc-please-read-before-posting.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/prep-school-admissions/427714-if-youre-new-cc-please-read-before-posting.html&lt;/a&gt;. It’s good advice for everyone. We don’t want to know your identity. I assume smart posters change details from time to time. We really don’t need to know. Some parents may be curious, because they’re in the process of applying to schools. That’s a different issue.</p>

<p>The reasons make a difference, because the advice differs, depending on the reason. Most students make the adjustment fairly quickly. On balance, it’s better to show a “rising trajectory” of grades, rather than a “falling trajectory.” Parents can freak out about a student receiving a B for the first time in his life, without taking a school’s grading scale into account.</p>

<p>Advisors are a great resource. They know everyone involved, they can put performance in context, they can speak with teachers who are being unreasonable, they can help students access resouces which are available but not on students’ radar screens. From your description, it sounds as if you believe your son needs your remote supervision. Perhaps–but there are other avenues to pursue, which are on site and available to parents. You are paying tuition for an attentive educational environment. A boarding school is its own thing, one shown to build self-reliance and self-control in the students who make it through.</p>

60

<p>

I’m sorry you feel you’ve been attacked BigValley, but because I could see that coming a mile away from the way you opened this thread, I asked you in post #2:

Without that information, most people here would automatically assume you were trying to helicopter remotely and would immediately tell you why that’s a bad idea for all involved. At this point, we know you aren’t trying to helicopter, but you’ve stated that you believe:

</p>

<p>And most of us have tried to tell you truthfully that you will not have such a ringside seat if your child attends BS. That type of access won’t occur unless you force it and nothing good will come of that. You CAN be assured, however, that you will get very detailed updates from your child (because you have a good relationship there) and your child’s advisor, and the term reports (both mid- and end-of-term) will be very detailed. You will not be left wondering how your child is doing nor will you be unsure of the effectiveness of instruction. We’re just trying to tell you that the concerns you have are legitimate but will be addressed through your relationship with your child and your child’s advisor and the reports you received from your child’s teachers at specified times.</p>

<p>Also, FWIW, everyone (well, that may be a bit of an exaggeration) at Choate knows who “ChoatieMom” and ChoatieKid are. The sky hasn’t fallen, and I’ve found it to be beneficial at times. It’s perfectly alright to want to preserve your anonymity, as almost everyone here does, but I don’t see how the question you’ve posed has an identity component.</p>

<p>In any case, sorry for the rough start. Welcome to the forum. It can be a rough ride at times, but you can be sure that most of our hearts are in the right place. Most of us stay here because we are interested and we really want to help.</p>