Giving advice

Our oldest isn’t graduating until 2019, but many of my local friends have 2018 graduates. Many of them were out touring schools with a vengeance this summer and many of them have very bright, high stats kids. It is only now that they are realizing that visiting all of their kids’ reaches and having the kids fall in love was a very bad idea. They are trying to find match and safety schools and the kids are turning their noses up at them. I even have friends who are already getting defensive and saying things like, “our son has worked so hard and deserves to go to x-school (Brown, Harvard, Tufts, you get the drift)”. Our school’s Naviance shows that last year was the worst year ever for kids to get shut out of all of their reaches and many families were very upset at the end of the 2017 school year. I’m not sure my friends understand that. Or, worse, they think it won’t happen to their child.

I was talking with some fellow 2019 friends the other day and they are also planning these crazy see all-of-the-best schools trips. I don’t want to seem like a know it all but I’ve known many of these ladies for a long time and I’ve known their children since they were born. I don’t want to see any of them disappointed and I want to tell them to start with safeties and matches for visits. I told one mom, though, and she thought I was somehow disparaging her daughter and saying she couldn’t get into x-school. I thought I was clear with her that I was just trying to explain the chances.

So, I’m throwing the question out there - do you all try to give advice? Or just keep it to yourself?

I’d probably say “Gosh, I’ve heard from a bunch of people from last years’ class that reaches were super tough. I mean high acheiving kids! One mom told me she really regretted touring daughter’s ‘dream school.’ But have fun!”

Also if your 2018 friends know the 2019 peeps you might say “You should really ask Nancy about this, they just went through it” or “Hey Nancy some of those 2019 people might be a little pie in the sky. If you get a chance…”

But that is me.

I think for that issue, I’m more likely to say what we will do-- i.e. Visit likely schools we can afford and/or are an easy drive while saving reachy, long distance schools for if we see an acceptance and it is a reasonable cost. If anyone thinks about it and decides it makes sense, good. If they think about it and want to do the visits anyway, that’s their business. If they brush it off and don’t even think about it, still just their business.

That said, I can’t always help giving an opinion on college related things. Someone was just telling me their d18 is looking at a couple of schools for music. She mentioned one that I’ve read before on here doesn’t tend to give the best financial aid and doesn’t meet need. I said how I had read that, she countered that they will have to give a lot of aid because the family can’t afford much. I worry that this girl will end up with only one affordable school (the only other one is an onstage public) but then again, maybe because I mentioned what I’ve read, they will search for other schools to add to their list that could be more affordable.

I have a good relationship with a friend’s D, and they were embarking on a disastrous route. Neither her GPA nor her scores were competitive for the schools she was targetting. It’s hard to do this without sounding like a know it all who doesn’t value their kid, though.

I basically said “X is a great school and you’d do well there. Given how popular it is, and to make sure you can sleep at night, you should have some less competitive ones on your list too.” In this case, the "backup " I suggested is where she will be going next month. And quite happily as a branch campus of their state school was the only other place she got in. Her mom was convinced that her essay and unusual high school path would trump her stats, and she could not be persuaded otherwise.

It is often easier to offer your viewpoint (“I am wondering if I should encourage DK to look at CTCL schools/ schools where there is an honors college, etc”) and plant a seed than to disparage their approach.

But people need to find their own way on this. You can only offer input if they want it. Since you’re behind them, you may be a trusted (non competitive ) ear, but they may not feel you have much to offer in advice. The insides of your cheeks will ache from all the biting!

If I said anything, it would be along the lines of, “Wow, those are all great schools! When we started looking someone gave me great advice: make sure first that your son or daughter has some safety schools (give the definition) that she has visited and really likes. Then, for the reachy schools make sure they know that the odds are very slim, and then just enjoy the time together!” or something like that.

No matter how well meaning your advice…most people are not interested and feel they know what is best for them and will jump right to the worst conclusion (that you are bod mouthing, their kids or the schools they pick) even if that is not your intention.

My advice (not that anyone cares) is do not visit the “dream/reachy” schools (unless they are a school that tracks visits) until you have acceptance in hand. Nothing seems to compare once they have seen the holy grail! You do not have to see ALL the schools until you have acceptance.I definitely recommend a visit, after acceptance, if you are thinking of attending.

I do however, suggest visiting one school of each category (urban, suburban, rural) or (REALLY big, big, moderate, small) or (1 private LAC/university and 1 public). That will give you a general idea about was is what. We just finished up a week tour of schools with DD#2 Class of 2018 in the NC/SC corridor. We saw 5 schools. We could have been done after 3, one urban, one college town and one small. DD was on overload by the 5th one and could have cared less about it so it did not fair as well as if it had been the first that we visited. Found that with DD#1 too, she really was on overload after about 3 schools on her visit trips. Also, IMO, most kids (not all) really are not interested in the reality of looking at a college until at least the summer before senior year.

I have a very close friend who recently went through the process. I warned her very carefully and slowly… once her child finished the process and chose his school, she finally understood. I tried to bite my tongue with others… it was not easy.

I wouldn’t give advice to my friends other than in a very general way, but I did have a chance recently to give specific, useful advice. I was sitting on a bench while my son toured a college on a hot day. Another overheated mom sat down beside me, an Indian immigrant who was obviously trying to learn whatever she could about Anerican college admissions in a short time. I told her about Net Price Calculators and liberal arts colleges, so I think I did some good.

Thanks to everyone who responded so far. Very helpful!

Oh my. I just checked Facebook and my friend is posting photos of her son at Harvard and Brown. Apparently it is news that he loved them. Who wouldn’t love them? :((

Did he see the dorms? My younger daughter watched a YouTube video showing one and said she won’t be applying there because no way would she want to live there.

@mom2twogirls LOL. Who knows. It was a beautiful day in Providence though! @gardenstategal I’m biting the inside of my cheek and trying not to type a snarky comment on the Facebook post! :))

The kids in our town who post those visits don’t have the stats to make it through the first door. You almost get the impression that they suddenly want to look scholarly. The serious applicants … would never post those visits.

@twogirls Agreed. It’s weird. And now people are commenting that the son should just go with the most prestigious university he can get into. Good grief. This really is a friend of mine. I think I might have to find a private way to talk to her a little bit. And then I need to stay off of FB until both of our kids graduate from high school!

Good luck :((

:)) :)) Those FB posts… haha! I think it is like @twogirls said, the serious applicants would never post those visits.
Oh, my… Thanks for the laugh, ladies! ;))

@homerdog , a friend of mine did this on FB as well. Her DD did have the stats but struck out anyway and is attending the honors college at a public flagship. Very smart, accomplished young woman who will make the most of any education. Her mom, always “proud”, was shocked at the outcome. Mostly, I felt really bad for the kid because so much of her process was public, and who needs the world to know all the schools that rejected you? I generally would add a comment to the effect of “so many great schools in Boston! Who wouldn’t love to be 20 there?” “Glad you’re having fun together.” “So many great schools! How to choose?!” It was the alternative to chewing right through my cheeks!

You know, you see people here on CC every year - people actively seeking input - who can’t believe that X school is a reach for their kid, that a school won’t overlook a poor subsection score, that most people on a WL will not get off it - etc. They are the ones, who if they stick around, have very powerful stories to tell in subsequent years, but they too had to get there themselves. In our house, DH was way behind on the learning curve, and I am convinced that the very tactful, but straightforward, college counselor assigned to DS saved our marriage!

Our school told parents not to talk to each other about college, and overwhelmingly, it was good advice. That’s not to say that parents on the sidelines wouldn’t chat, particularly if the kids were planning to play in college, but it did keep things from reaching a fever pitch.