Going No Contact; You may never see your college-bound child again

After realising this topic was never mentioned on CC (at least I can’t find any trace of it), I felt some urgency to post it. Apologies for the monster size of it.
Of course it results from our own experience - 7 months after sending our beloved daughter to her dream school, Pomona College, and paying for it much more than we could reasonably afford, she cut ALL the contact with us, posted vicious things about us on Instagram, and declared we are her “former family” because she found a better one (her ultra-rich boyfriend’s but that’s a topic for another post). This was a few days after her lovely, thoughtful words to both of us, thanking us for all we did so “she could grow her wings.” So no, we are not child abusers, we have been extremely devoted to our child’s success and well-being. 4 months after a breakup, as it turns out, cynically planned by our D and her b.f., I’m finally able to start talking about it.
Here’s what my wife found on the topic, posted on a Web forum approx. 5 years ago.
You can read the whole thing here, The Brainwashing Behind Going No Contact | Gransnet
I’m just posting excerpt that I found most relevant. In the lingo of that quoted forum, AC = adult child, and NC = no contact.

…in view of all those estranged, cut off parents unable to understand why their adult children treat them like they do, this very well written post sums it up perfectly.
It was sent to me this morning. Obviously some AC have no choice but to keep their distance from abusive parents, we understand this. But this NC approach being liberally recommended is a highly destructive trend ruining many lives.

’ I am in the position that my estranged daughter is treating me like I’m toxic when I feel it’s the other way around. We’ve been studying this for awhile now. Why are there so many adult children cutting off their families. These are things that we came up with. Something interesting: we’ve all noticed how our EC all do the same mean stuff and say the same mean things. It’s like they’re reading a script or like they all joined the same cult.
I have news for you. They are all reading a script. They did join the same cult.
What they are doing is called “Going No Contact”. It’s literally a scripted plan that they follow. It starts when they judge us as not just humans with whom they disagree, but “evil” because we don’t see things their way. They complain online, and meet other complaining children who honestly believe, thanks to the self-esteem movement, that any time they were uncomfortable for a moment equals abuse. If their parents disagreed with them or made them do something that they didn’t like or whacked their fresh asses when they talked back or refused to follow rules, they add this to their pile of justification. Lacking coping skills, they believe that anytime they are not happy, they have been wronged, and the person who dared to ‘make’ them feel bad is a Narcissist.
A Narcissist to them is what ‘possessed’ meant to our parents. The Narcissist is pure evil and a force to be feared and hated. They all bolster one another’s justification of their interpretation of who we are. They swap war stories that are positively ridiculous, such as stories of the “evil narcissistic mother in law who wore a different dress than agreed upon to the wedding” or the “evil, narcissistic mother who took away all of their toys until their chores were done”. I’ve seen both of those in these groups.
After justifying to themselves that they are RIGHT and their parents are EVIL NARCISSISTS, they begin plans to “Go No Contact”. It is a systematic plan to discard the parents/grandparent, and turn the kids against grandparents. There are actual steps to this plan. They vary from group to group, but they are essentially all similar.
The groups talk a lot about setting boundaries, but what they call setting boundaries is just rude dictating, and setting their targets up to fail. Stuff like “I told my mother that she can come over between 12 and 1 on Sundays only. If she is one minute early or stays one minute late, that will be the end of her visits.” Part of the plan is to NOT tell mother what she did wrong, just to enact the “consequence”. They know that the targeted parent will try to rectify the situation. They react in a way that is illogical: refusing to answer questions, insisting that any apology is a manipulative lie and therefore is insincere, ordering parent out of their house, putting parents in that time out thing where they tell us not to contact them for a certain length of time, and then they will “review our request”.
They post joyful stories of their parents reaction to losing grandkids or their parents pleas for an explanation. They cheer each other on and congratulate one another for cutting family off. Refusing to give any explanation is part of the plan. They call it Taking Your Power Back.
They claim that it’s to protect themselves from the evil narcissists who are terrorizing them, but in reality, it’s not about protection or healing. It’s about power, control, and just being ■■■■■■. They don’t know the difference between assertive and aggressive, and they think being arbitrary is the same as having boundaries.
Google “Going No Contact”. You will find pages and pages of groups and instructions that will not surprisingly match exactly what our kids are doing.
I think this information can be very helpful. We can learn what they want us to do, so we can do the opposite.
I strongly urge every single person here to read up on “Going No Contact”. It’s like a map to navigate this territory. It even gets amusing sometimes, reading the steps and thinking “You’re such a lemming”. Who the hell would follow this crap.
They would, that’s who’

And some of the replies:

The effects on families diagnosing each other and then the online ‘armchair experts’ all to happy to insist they go NC! It’s really hurting a lot of people. Including those who make themselves orphans by cutting themselves off.

Its also recommended to cut off ‘flying monkeys’ who are relatives that may pass messages between family members - either unknowingly, or with malice - thus breaking ‘no contact’ which must be maintained at all costs.
In short, people are cutting off contact with whole sections of family and friends.

There are countless YouTube videos on the subject, explaining how one should start ‘no contact’ the moment one realises a person is a narcissist, without giving an explanation or further communication.
Troubled relationships with partners are explained by saying that empaths or co-dependents are addicted to narcissistic relationships, bought about my childhood issues. Even if for me, who doesn’t have any childhood issues, I would be urged to accept that as an absolute fact.

The main problem is, and I’ve spent a lot of time researching it, is that while narcissism in it’s raw form has always been around, it’s now become a terrifying weapon to use against any family member who is perceived as being ‘a problem’. Part of it has emerged as a direct result on the 1989 Children’s Act where rights and power were handed to children placing above them the control of not only their parents but teachers and authority in general. There is now research identifying the current generation of 30 something year olds as being prone to depression because of their idealized perception of what their rights actually mean. Notwithstanding this they,not all but some, also have a very unrealistic expectation of not only life but their parents too. Meanwhile the Children’s Act hasn’t solved the problem of child abuse which was its original intention.
So now we have parents cut off, AC miserable but blaming the scapegoat,(their parents) and we also have an army of online nuisances ranting the words GO NO CONTACT! What does it solve? Nothing.
Funnily enough, in all my research I was unable to find any advice that advocated how to communicate effectively with your family. On top of this, we also have a lot of highly damaged individuals, bloggers and youtubers I think they’re called, now grabbing their fame slot online with podcasts telling the world about their experience with a narcissist, how to identify them, what their habits are and how to go…yes, you’ve guessed it…NC. All well and good if these individuals were experienced, qualified experts in psychology but they’re not. More often than not they are unhappy, angry, biased and very motivated to ‘save others’ by going online to say …‘look this is what happened to me! Save yourself, go NC’.
And this is where the trend begins. Very sad for a lot of families who actually love each other but only have a problem of not being able to communicate. I do wish the mumsnetters would think twice before becoming self appointed experts on what is a diagnosis that only a medically qualified person can provide. The reason being that despite how many Youtube video’s they watch and blogs they read, no one can diagnose another person from a third party view. The day will come, as it has already, when posters will be sued for recklessly causing undue harm to another person’s credibility especially where there’s no basis for it.

Having run a support group for parents, it’s clear to see that the problem of estrangement is now an epidemic. It’s also the lazy way out of learning how to manage and work at a relationship. In some cases, if it’s not all about them, it’s simply not important. There is little or no respect for the parents or the sacrifices they’ve made.
Where adult children have grown up in highly dysfunctional and abusive situations, then NC is their only option and as far as I can see, it’s a last resort after many attempts at trying to fix things. These AC have no such thing as a happy ending. Life for them can be and often is very traumatic and difficult especially on birthdays and Christmas.

For those AC who have had loving, caring parents and the relationship was previously good, but you’ve taken the advice from people you hardly know and gone NC, you really need to take a good look at yourselves and the impact you are having on your parents. Estrangement is a killer make no mistake. Parents have ended their lives or become ill and died.
If you can sit and eat your Christmas dinner knowing your parents are facing the bleakest of days, the problem isn’t them.
If you can ignore birthdays, Mothers and Father’s Day knowing the pain it will cause, the problem is not them.
If you can tell your children that your parents are bad people or you simply deny they exist, or if you think you can talk your way through explaining the benefits of cutting your child off from knowing it’s own gene pool and tribal roots, the problem is not your parents.
If you can snub, ignore, ostracise, dish out the silent treatment on an ongoing basis, sulk and then act as though you are the victim, it’s you that’s the narcissist, not your parents.
If your parents loved you and did their best yet you can deal with knowing all these things above and yet still continue to hurt your them in this way, the problem isn’t them.

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Sorry you are going through this. I imagine that it’s very stressful!

If you are footing part or all of the bill for her to attend Pomona College and if she has cut all ties to you, then if it were me, I’d be telling my kid that I was no longer going to pay anything toward college expenses unless there was communication between us.

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Hugs to you- this must be very hurtful.

However- I know a couple of people whose children have gone “No Contact” and although each situation was different, nobody who knows the family dynamic (i.e. in-laws, close friends, a teacher) are surprised or shocked. So to claim that this is a result of some sort of cult is somewhat dismissive. Your own family dynamic might be quite different- but I don’t think it’s right to take your own hurt and apply that to every other family.

Hoping you are getting support IRL to navigate this very painful situation.

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What makes you think I’m trying to do that? I didn’t know that ‘going-no-contact’ is a movement, with ready-to-use scripts, support groups offering ample advice “how to keep your resolve,” etc. I was not remotely aware of it a few months ago, and I assumed I’m not the only parent who can be caught by surprise.

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There is no way we are paying, not after all that betrayal and contempt. But you see, it doesn’t make the pain go away, not at all.
We were not even going to force her into communicating with us by making it a condition of tuition payment. We just wanted her to take back lies about us she posted publicly. And no, the no-contact fundamentalism doesn’t allow that!

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I am sorry to the OP (and all involved in this situation) that there is an estrangement between himself and his adult child. I cannot begin to imagine the pain both parties feel in these circumstances. I don’t think anyone comes to believe estrangement is the way to go lightly or as punishment. It sounds like there is a lot of pain for all those in this situation.

I’m not exactly sure why the long rant from an outside forum was posted above, it is literally hard to read with the changing font sizes and lack of white space. Perhaps it would be better if the OP just posted his own experience and the link without the excerpt?

I would urge OP to realize that posting when in such emotional pain on a public forum might not be the actions most productive for themselves, their adult child or the public forum. No one on this board can help with what you say you want (an apology it seems from your child regarding their publicly posted ‘lies’), and I’m not sure the excerpt has public forum value (beyond the forum you cut it from).

I hope the OP is getting therapeutic help and I also hope his estranged adult child is also getting what they need as well. I wish everyone in this situation well.

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Thank you for your wise words. I’m sorry you found the initial post difficult to read. The reason I copied/pasted from another forum was that I was actually comforted by these words, learning something I didn’t know about the phenomena, and I was hoping readers may appreciate it better when it comes from several people, not just me. To me, spreading the word about “no contact” feels like a mission, paying forward to CC readers who gave us a lot of good advice not long ago.
My post is not a substitute to therapy, and I haven’t really asked for advice, or even comfort, although I appreciate all the kind words. This has been meant as a PA.

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Wow… I never heard of this. Sorry your going through this. Have you contacted the boy friend family? Evidently something is really wrong here.

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Never heard of this…sorry for what your going through. Have you tried flying there and meeting in person? does your daughter come home on break? I would be worried something more sinister is going on. My mom would be on the first flight to see me. Maybe she’s crying out for help? Wishing you all the best.

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There was a post on here in the last 6 months or so by someone whose son did this. My own daughter did it a little bit; she was still interested in my help for some things like buying a car, but on her terms. She did not go through graduation, so therefore I couldn’t go TO graduation. I did go to her final lax games and had to answer all the questions from the other parents, like “where were you?” I learned over the years to let her do it on her schedule. When her sister graduated the next semester and we made a big deal over her (sister wanted the big deal made) I think she regretted not going to graduation a little. Her choice.

It is now 4 years later and she’s back to normal. Her normal, but still better. One thing that has helped is seeing how much her boyfriend’s mother babies her sons, to the point they can’t do much for themselves, like find a job or make a dentist appt. (her boyfriend can, as D makes him do it himself). We had a talk a few weeks ago and I told her of course there are things I wish I’d done differently, that I wish I hadn’t made a big deal about some things that looking back are minor (her cutting her hair at age 3, her saying she hated me in a public place), but all parents make mistakes. She’s good with that. She’s also glad I made her so independent.

There is also a reason why cults are so good at recruiting kids who are 17-25 years old - they (the kids) are looking for something different, something very very different. They don’t know what the thing is, but just as different from their parents as they can get. A friend’s brother joined Scientology when he first went to college. He wanted nothing to do with his parents except money. Always calling to ask for money. Several years into it, the group called the parents and said the son had cancer and if they wanted him to come pick him up but that Scientology wasn’t going to pay for his treatment. The kid was crushed, of course, because he thought the group liked him (no, sorry, they just liked his money).

It is really hard for you, I’m sure. Just let her know that your door is always open (not your wallet, but your door). If she contacts you, ask her to dinner. If she posts things on social media to your family or friends, try to ignore it or tell them privately your side. I think she’ll be back but it will take a while.

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Your daughter is young and feeling independent for the first time. Sometimes those closest to their parents have to make the biggest, most dramatic break in order to break the dependence and feel like they are growing.

One of my kids sort of withdrew from the family during college. He was indeed very close to us and had trouble negotiating the separation that college brings, so his response was distance.

Every few weeks I sent him a loving message that did not demand anything of him. Just to remind him I was there. Chasing kids never works. Things resolved naturally.

I would let her be. She will come around. Continue to pay for college and provide whatever support she needs. To do otherwise will only support the positions of what you read about as a “cult.” She’ll come back to you.

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Interesting the obsession with using the label Narcissist to describe family members when their own behavior comes far closer to fitting the description.

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As I said, I meant it as a public service, more than anything else.
So apologies for not divulging too much - I don’t believe many aspects of our particular “case” are typical of the non-contact ‘movement’ , and therefore useful to other readers. Plus, Pomona is a small community so privacy concerns are valid. And many details are between The Jerry Springer Show and The Life of Rich and Famous.
I know “cult” sounds so dismissive. But if you are in the situation, or read more about it, you will see that it is more of a clinical description than a judgment. I’m not saying that cutting off the parents doesn’t serve a valid purpose in some situations (even in D’s excellent high school, there were kids kicked out from their houses, some of them literally, victims of family violence, alcoholism and drug abuse). My point is that the YouTube manuals, forums and blogs created a situation where every small grievance becomes a firing offense (one of the complaints is that when she was 8, she ‘made an idiot of herself at school’ because she didn’t know what french fries were; the fact that we gave her delicious, healthy food she loved at that time was no longer relevant). That a straight A student of an elite college can come up with something like that is, in my mind, prima facie evidence of cult-like programming.
I realize that by creating this thread I have exposed myself to all “well, there is a grain of truth in every accusation.” And I am sure all the perfect parents on this forum probably think there is more than a grain. I used to think the same way. I don’t wish anyone to be in a situation that tests their conviction that ‘it could never happen to me’.

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I hope that as your D matures she will come back to you. I can’t imagine the pain I’m so sorry you are going through this.

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Possibly not going to be very helpful, but I have to point out there are other very valid reasons some young adults may choose to go their own path for a while. The reasons don’t all have to be as blatantly obvious as violence or addiction.

For instance, there are varying degrees of control some parents seek over their children. This can range from being emotionally combative to children who hold different political beliefs or religious beliefs, to being much more debilitating to the growth of a young adult. Young adults are children trying to become adults and if they feel they are being stunted, they may feel the need to eliminate what they feel (rightfully or wrongly) is the source of that restriction.

I’ve seen this a few times and rarely was the young adult 100% to blame. Not that anyone should be blamed, necessarily. Sometimes, the young adult simply wants the freedom to make some basic decisions about their lives, and they feel their parents are too judgemental/restrictive/critical/etc to allow them to make those decisions. If parents respond to this distancing with anger and revenge type tactics, it usually serves only to alienate the young adult even more. Or cause the young adult to go fully No Contact to protect themselves.

It’s hard being parents. It’s hard being a blossoming young adult who feels misunderstood and not fully supported.

It might very well be that your child is completely off the rails and 100% wrong. OTOH, if you feel there is even the chance of misunderstanding/overreaction on the parental side, it might be better to not make the nuclear decision of blowing up everything if the young adult doesn’t do exactly as a parent wishes. Sometimes giving the youngster time and space to make decisions, make mistakes, grow emotionally, and recalibrate/fine-tune how they make decisions is all it takes.

Best of luck to you and your young adult!

(If you don’t find this message helpful to your specific situation, please consider it a PSA for others whose similar situations may be a little different than your situation.

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I’ve noticed the scripted “opinion” in other spheres as well. OP, you are right, your child has succumbed to a sort of brain washing, and I have family members who listen to too much talk radio, and they all sound the same. I wish I had an answer for you on how to change this, all I can say is, the more we speak logic, the more they cover their ears. Yet, what their “leaders” say is gospel. Frustrating, but hopefully she will see the light eventually.
I really believe this mass chaos and division is pushed by certain strong men to destabilize the world, call me paranoid, but I don’t think so.

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I’m sorry, I have a couple of close friends who are in the middle of this. One has an only child who’s father has poisoned her against my friend, she hasn’t spoken with her daughter for 5 years (her daughter no longer speaks to her ex either). She’s is a support group. My other friend’s daughter comes back sometimes for a bit, at one time she was in a cult situation. Both daughters are in their 20’s.

First, I want to say thank you very much for posting this. I had no idea it was a “thing” and there were groups and posting online. At the same time, I’m not at all surprised. Some of the “things” my kids have told me about are equally dangerous and unhealthy behaviors.

Second, I want to apologize for those who jump to the conclusion that where there’s an accusation, there’s some basis. I think we know nothing about you or your family and you seem like this is destroying both. So unless someone is a friend or has insight (like a trained psychologist), it might be best to refrain from accusations implied or actual. As I am neither, I am sending you a big hug.

I am going to talk to my kids about this. My oldest has a friend whose brother went AWOL when he went to boarding school. The parents were in another country. We happened to know a family at the same school and my daughter reached out via the kid at the school directly as in the kid went up to him in a public space and said you need to call your parents and not be an #$$. The school also counseled the kid. It turned out to be a case where the kid was lazy about communication and didn’t want to answer simple parental questions. Obviously this kid was a bad fit for boarding school. But the poor parents were beside themselves with worry. Very selfish, IMO on behalf of the kid.

Given the circumstances, I’d try to find a specialist ( therapist or whatever) who is trained in these behaviors/cults/religious groups/etc. There is a certain element to most of these behaviors. And there are methods which have been used successfully. These behaviors and methods are not new. Sadly, every generation seems to have these groups. And some are pulled to them.

Best of luck to you. I’m sorry this happened and wish you all the best trying to get things back to a loving family unit.

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ArtsyKidDad, since you brought this out to this community, I have a question I would like to ask you. Was your household (where your child was raised) a deeply religious household? I am just trying to get some context to understanding this situation.

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