After realising this topic was never mentioned on CC (at least I can’t find any trace of it), I felt some urgency to post it. Apologies for the monster size of it.
Of course it results from our own experience - 7 months after sending our beloved daughter to her dream school, Pomona College, and paying for it much more than we could reasonably afford, she cut ALL the contact with us, posted vicious things about us on Instagram, and declared we are her “former family” because she found a better one (her ultra-rich boyfriend’s but that’s a topic for another post). This was a few days after her lovely, thoughtful words to both of us, thanking us for all we did so “she could grow her wings.” So no, we are not child abusers, we have been extremely devoted to our child’s success and well-being. 4 months after a breakup, as it turns out, cynically planned by our D and her b.f., I’m finally able to start talking about it.
Here’s what my wife found on the topic, posted on a Web forum approx. 5 years ago.
You can read the whole thing here, The Brainwashing Behind Going No Contact | Gransnet
I’m just posting excerpt that I found most relevant. In the lingo of that quoted forum, AC = adult child, and NC = no contact.
…in view of all those estranged, cut off parents unable to understand why their adult children treat them like they do, this very well written post sums it up perfectly.
It was sent to me this morning. Obviously some AC have no choice but to keep their distance from abusive parents, we understand this. But this NC approach being liberally recommended is a highly destructive trend ruining many lives.
’ I am in the position that my estranged daughter is treating me like I’m toxic when I feel it’s the other way around. We’ve been studying this for awhile now. Why are there so many adult children cutting off their families. These are things that we came up with. Something interesting: we’ve all noticed how our EC all do the same mean stuff and say the same mean things. It’s like they’re reading a script or like they all joined the same cult.
I have news for you. They are all reading a script. They did join the same cult.
What they are doing is called “Going No Contact”. It’s literally a scripted plan that they follow. It starts when they judge us as not just humans with whom they disagree, but “evil” because we don’t see things their way. They complain online, and meet other complaining children who honestly believe, thanks to the self-esteem movement, that any time they were uncomfortable for a moment equals abuse. If their parents disagreed with them or made them do something that they didn’t like or whacked their fresh asses when they talked back or refused to follow rules, they add this to their pile of justification. Lacking coping skills, they believe that anytime they are not happy, they have been wronged, and the person who dared to ‘make’ them feel bad is a Narcissist.
A Narcissist to them is what ‘possessed’ meant to our parents. The Narcissist is pure evil and a force to be feared and hated. They all bolster one another’s justification of their interpretation of who we are. They swap war stories that are positively ridiculous, such as stories of the “evil narcissistic mother in law who wore a different dress than agreed upon to the wedding” or the “evil, narcissistic mother who took away all of their toys until their chores were done”. I’ve seen both of those in these groups.
After justifying to themselves that they are RIGHT and their parents are EVIL NARCISSISTS, they begin plans to “Go No Contact”. It is a systematic plan to discard the parents/grandparent, and turn the kids against grandparents. There are actual steps to this plan. They vary from group to group, but they are essentially all similar.
The groups talk a lot about setting boundaries, but what they call setting boundaries is just rude dictating, and setting their targets up to fail. Stuff like “I told my mother that she can come over between 12 and 1 on Sundays only. If she is one minute early or stays one minute late, that will be the end of her visits.” Part of the plan is to NOT tell mother what she did wrong, just to enact the “consequence”. They know that the targeted parent will try to rectify the situation. They react in a way that is illogical: refusing to answer questions, insisting that any apology is a manipulative lie and therefore is insincere, ordering parent out of their house, putting parents in that time out thing where they tell us not to contact them for a certain length of time, and then they will “review our request”.
They post joyful stories of their parents reaction to losing grandkids or their parents pleas for an explanation. They cheer each other on and congratulate one another for cutting family off. Refusing to give any explanation is part of the plan. They call it Taking Your Power Back.
They claim that it’s to protect themselves from the evil narcissists who are terrorizing them, but in reality, it’s not about protection or healing. It’s about power, control, and just being ■■■■■■. They don’t know the difference between assertive and aggressive, and they think being arbitrary is the same as having boundaries.
Google “Going No Contact”. You will find pages and pages of groups and instructions that will not surprisingly match exactly what our kids are doing.
I think this information can be very helpful. We can learn what they want us to do, so we can do the opposite.
I strongly urge every single person here to read up on “Going No Contact”. It’s like a map to navigate this territory. It even gets amusing sometimes, reading the steps and thinking “You’re such a lemming”. Who the hell would follow this crap.
They would, that’s who’
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And some of the replies:
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The effects on families diagnosing each other and then the online ‘armchair experts’ all to happy to insist they go NC! It’s really hurting a lot of people. Including those who make themselves orphans by cutting themselves off.
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Its also recommended to cut off ‘flying monkeys’ who are relatives that may pass messages between family members - either unknowingly, or with malice - thus breaking ‘no contact’ which must be maintained at all costs.
In short, people are cutting off contact with whole sections of family and friends.
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There are countless YouTube videos on the subject, explaining how one should start ‘no contact’ the moment one realises a person is a narcissist, without giving an explanation or further communication.
Troubled relationships with partners are explained by saying that empaths or co-dependents are addicted to narcissistic relationships, bought about my childhood issues. Even if for me, who doesn’t have any childhood issues, I would be urged to accept that as an absolute fact.
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The main problem is, and I’ve spent a lot of time researching it, is that while narcissism in it’s raw form has always been around, it’s now become a terrifying weapon to use against any family member who is perceived as being ‘a problem’. Part of it has emerged as a direct result on the 1989 Children’s Act where rights and power were handed to children placing above them the control of not only their parents but teachers and authority in general. There is now research identifying the current generation of 30 something year olds as being prone to depression because of their idealized perception of what their rights actually mean. Notwithstanding this they,not all but some, also have a very unrealistic expectation of not only life but their parents too. Meanwhile the Children’s Act hasn’t solved the problem of child abuse which was its original intention.
So now we have parents cut off, AC miserable but blaming the scapegoat,(their parents) and we also have an army of online nuisances ranting the words GO NO CONTACT! What does it solve? Nothing.
Funnily enough, in all my research I was unable to find any advice that advocated how to communicate effectively with your family. On top of this, we also have a lot of highly damaged individuals, bloggers and youtubers I think they’re called, now grabbing their fame slot online with podcasts telling the world about their experience with a narcissist, how to identify them, what their habits are and how to go…yes, you’ve guessed it…NC. All well and good if these individuals were experienced, qualified experts in psychology but they’re not. More often than not they are unhappy, angry, biased and very motivated to ‘save others’ by going online to say …‘look this is what happened to me! Save yourself, go NC’.
And this is where the trend begins. Very sad for a lot of families who actually love each other but only have a problem of not being able to communicate. I do wish the mumsnetters would think twice before becoming self appointed experts on what is a diagnosis that only a medically qualified person can provide. The reason being that despite how many Youtube video’s they watch and blogs they read, no one can diagnose another person from a third party view. The day will come, as it has already, when posters will be sued for recklessly causing undue harm to another person’s credibility especially where there’s no basis for it.
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Having run a support group for parents, it’s clear to see that the problem of estrangement is now an epidemic. It’s also the lazy way out of learning how to manage and work at a relationship. In some cases, if it’s not all about them, it’s simply not important. There is little or no respect for the parents or the sacrifices they’ve made.
Where adult children have grown up in highly dysfunctional and abusive situations, then NC is their only option and as far as I can see, it’s a last resort after many attempts at trying to fix things. These AC have no such thing as a happy ending. Life for them can be and often is very traumatic and difficult especially on birthdays and Christmas.
For those AC who have had loving, caring parents and the relationship was previously good, but you’ve taken the advice from people you hardly know and gone NC, you really need to take a good look at yourselves and the impact you are having on your parents. Estrangement is a killer make no mistake. Parents have ended their lives or become ill and died.
If you can sit and eat your Christmas dinner knowing your parents are facing the bleakest of days, the problem isn’t them.
If you can ignore birthdays, Mothers and Father’s Day knowing the pain it will cause, the problem is not them.
If you can tell your children that your parents are bad people or you simply deny they exist, or if you think you can talk your way through explaining the benefits of cutting your child off from knowing it’s own gene pool and tribal roots, the problem is not your parents.
If you can snub, ignore, ostracise, dish out the silent treatment on an ongoing basis, sulk and then act as though you are the victim, it’s you that’s the narcissist, not your parents.
If your parents loved you and did their best yet you can deal with knowing all these things above and yet still continue to hurt your them in this way, the problem isn’t them.