good enough for cornell?

Colleges and Universities A-Z Cornell University
1

<p>Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe the influence.</p>

<pre><code>Distinguished, dignified, full of life and dynamic are only a few words that could describe a sixty seven year old man that had a significant impact on my life. Before meeting Ronal Hall, motivation in my life was clearly non-existent, which is the main reason for my grades freshman year in high school. Then on November 20th 2004 I met someone. At first sight he did not appear to be the typical sixty seven year old man. Instead he was tall, had teeth, and had this vibrant and bubbly personality about him. I thought all old people were wrinkled and hunched backed; well he certainly changed the way I looked at old people from that point on, this was one of the many lessons the sagacious Ronald Hall taught me.

After speaking he asked me about my aspirations. Little did he know that I was one of six children which none of went to college, two of which didn’t even complete high school. My expectations weren’t high; I told him I wanted to become banker. He then told me “You’re a smart kid, you can aim higher.” What? I only been speaking to him a little over a twenty minutes and he’s telling me I can aim higher? I didn’t understand. He encouraged me to join Mamre SDA Pathfinder Club. He also didn’t know that I was a loner and timid person. Then he quoted something I would never forget “Walk not in front of them, for you will be casting your shadow upon them. Walk not behind them, for you will be immersed in their shadow, Walk level, for then nobody is left in the darkness.” I had NO CLUE of what he meant.

Three years down the line because of Ronald, I have received four awards from Mamre Pathfinder Club, I’ve become drilling and marching/drum instructor of the club, I’ve joined even more organization, I’ve become a honor student, a peer tutor, and played on the boys volleyball team at my high school. After his passing, I finally understood what he meant by his quote, Even though I was not as academically competitive as other students I should not refrain from trying. If I am willing, I should work hard enough to become just as good leaving no one left in the darkness. It is for these reasons why I revere Ronald Hall, and claim him to be the most influential person in my life.
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2

<p>It's a nice essay, but it definitely needs polishing (grammar, sentence structure, etc). I'd also make the last sentence more powerful; what you have now is way too predictable.</p>

3

<p>Ronald from McDonald's?????
anyway, i thought it was extremely well written, shows lots of heart and personality, although in the beginning, you sound like someone who isn't good with anything, y u putting urself down!! even if it is just to make the essay look better.
but i'll give it 2 thumbs up and a 9.75/10=(admit)</p>

4

<p>reword a few of your sentences. it has a good aim/focus, but the way you deliver it is tarnished.</p>

5

<p>Your essay was really loaded. A pet peeve of mine (especially in these little essays) is mentioning things and not continuing the thought: firstly, you mention that Ronald has changed the way you view the elderly, but you don't continue to say why. The little note about your freshman year grades kind of seems unnecssary and forced. I see what you are trying to do, but if you feel your grade deserves explination attach a page and write a note to admissions. Another thing is I would remove the first or second "sixty seven"... we don't need to know that fact twice. I agree with HBehnke above... it is a big mumbly in places. Just be concise and bold. Polish it up and it'll be great. I really like your message- he seems like a great guy.</p>

<p>That all said, I'm sure my essay sucked. I hate how I can critique other peoples works, but never my own. Sigh.</p>

<p>-WJJ</p>

6

<p>FINAL DRAFT: GOOD ENOUGH?</p>

<pre><code>Distinguished, dignified, life full of dynamism is only the few words that could describe a sixty seven year old man that had a significant impact on my life. Before meeting Ronald Hall, motivation and maturity of life was clearly non-existent. At first sight he did not appear to be the typical sixty seven year old man, instead he appeared to be well-built and had a pulsating personality about him.

He asked me about my life ambition. My expectations were high; but I was unwilling to disclose them to him. But after speaking to him for some time, I came to the conclusion that he wanted to impart his knowledge to me. Then he quoted “You are a brilliant boy.” I found it ironic that I would be disheartened by family and friends then supported by a stranger; it didn’t make much sense to me. Then he quoted “In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't.” I was confused at first by what he meant but I came to the realization that light illuminates darkness, the sight of the ones who listens to constructive advice; if they are followed and applied it will eventually lead to actualization of their life dream and ambitions. While failure and agony awaits those who refuses to adhere to instruction, as a result they will fall into perpetual darkness full of sorrow and regrets.

Consequently, after the conversation was over, I asked myself what would be the result of my life history; I was convinced he was a god-send. Ronald Hall is a man full of momentum that has brought me to the limelight of success because of his instruction. He encourage me to discover my potential, it is for these reasons I revere Ronald Hall and claim him to be the most influential person in my life.
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7

<p>It's better, but you still need to fix it. For example, the least I'd do is change the first paragraph to this:</p>

<p>Distinguished, dignified, and dynamic are the few words that could describe the 67-year-old man who had a significant impact on me. Before I met Ronald Hall, motivation and maturity were clearly not present in my life. When I first saw him, he did not seem a stereotypical old man at all; instead, he appeared to be well-built, with an ebullient personality constantly projected from him.</p>

<p>Some grammatical errors and a few awkward sentences are really the only things holding this essay back.</p>

8

<p>maybe if you told me which sentences were awkward I would change and with these changes being made what grade would you give it?</p>

9

<p>this is a lot better than the last one. I actually read through the whole thing!!</p>

<p>anyway, the final paragraph of your latest draft isn't as good as the final paragraph of the draft at the beginning of this thread, in my opinion. "god-send" emits BADDD vibes.</p>

10

<p>someone told me not to include things that Ive achieved in the last paragraphs because I am suppose to have a resume with all of that on it</p>

11

<p>i used the paragraphs tranorix gave me and edited this final paragraph, </p>

<p>Consequently, after the conversation was over, I asked myself what would be the result of my life history if I hadn’t met Ronald; It is because of him why I buckled down and paid more attention to my school work resulting in an upward trend in grades. I jumped out of my shell and started participation in school activities and made new friends. Ronald Hall is a man full of momentum that has brought me to the limelight of success because of his instruction. He encourage me to discover my potential, it is for these reasons I revere Ronald Hall and claim him to be the most influential person in my life.</p>

<p>PLEASE HELP ME OUT!!!!</p>

12

<p>The idea of the essay is pretty cut and dried. The old man finds the kid, takes him under his metaphorical wing, keeps him away from that nebulous entity that they refer to as "trouble". This topic has potential. However it needs a lot of work. My first question to you is "What is the word limit?", and my second is "Are you using EVERY last one of those words?". You have a story, and this story needs more details. You need to use every word that you are allowed do fill this in. The fact that this random guy became important to you and changed your life sets this essay immediately aside from all kids who will write impersonal essays about their favorite grandfathers or other family members (boring). However, great stories are not made through their plots, they are made by the storyteller. You need to improve the presentation if this is going to get anywhere. </p>

<p>I'm going to be blunt, because you wanted opinion and you will get opinion. The main problem that I see is that there is a bit of a non-sequiter or at the very least some missing information. In my opinion, this essay just does not follow. Major parts of the story seem to be missing. How and why did you meet this guy? Why was he asking you about your aspirations? A person reading this essay is going to wonder why a 67-year-old man walked up to some random kid, pronounced him to be "brilliant," and started giving him biblical/prophetic-sounding advice. Also, what makes him a "man full of momentum"? That is, is he especially distinguished (a university professor, your mayor, a preacher)? How did he bring you "to the limelight of success"? And what was "his instruction"? Your essay makes it sound like you only talked to him once. Is this true? If so,you really need to set up this one meeting to make it strike the reader and make them see just how much of a "godsend" he was. That is, why was his advice so believable and hard-hitting? If you met this guy more than once, you need to elaborate upon your relationship much more and tell the admissions people exactly how he changed you. If you fill in the facts of the story to make it solid, hard-hitting, and logical. </p>

<p>Oh, and grammar, grammar, grammar. Subject-verb agreement. Tenses. Sentence construction. Punctuation. Get the facts down and then get someone to help you revise this thing. </p>

<p>I'm not trying to be harsh. I'm not getting my jollies tearing apart the essay of an '09 hopeful. Believe me, I've got better things to do than sit here and type. I got a lot of help with my essays and you deserve the same. I am a very well-qualified writer, and this is my advice to you. You have something that a lot of kids simply don't: a touching story with a personal connection to the topic. If you take your story and put some more work into the presentation, than I suspect that you will have something that really stands out to the admissions people.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

13

<p>thanks for your comment. what can i add to this story what should i take away, dont consider grammical error I can fix it later. I can organize my ideas later</p>

<p>Distinguished, dignified, life full of dynamism is only the few words that could describe a sixty seven year old man that had a significant impact on my life. Before meeting Ronald Hall, motivation and maturity of life was clearly non-existent. When I first saw him, he did not appear to be the stereotypical old man at all. Heck, I was amazed to find out he was 67 years old. The typical church pastor is bald headed, short, and had the perfect “stepford wife.” He was quite the opposite; muscular, tall, a head full of hair, and the first lady was no stepford wife at all. </p>

<p>This was an encounter like no other, I had known this pastor for six months and there were no relationship between us, so he caught me off guard when he asked me about my life ambition. What?? I was lost for words. My expectations were high; but I was unwilling to disclose them to him mainly because I was still surprised at the random question that was just thrown at me. But after speaking to him for some time, I came to the conclusion that he wanted to impart his knowledge to me. Then he quoted “In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't.” I was officially confused. I thought of that quote day and night for at least one week and I was dumbfounded. After some time, a real long time, I concluded that light illuminates darkness, the sight of the ones who listens to constructive advice; if they are followed and applied it will eventually lead to actualization of their life dream and ambitions. While failure and agony awaits those who refuses to adhere to instruction, as a result they will fall into perpetual darkness full of sorrow and regrets. </p>

<pre><code> After the conversation was over, I asked myself where would I have been if this crazy encounter hadn’t occurred? I had no idea a quote could be so deep, causing someone to review their life’s story pinpointing a problem and trying to fix it. Ronald Hall is a man caused me to make a life altering decision. He encourage me to discover my potential and make the best of opportunities given to me, it is for these reasons I revere Ronald Hall and claim him to be the most influential person in my life.
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14

<p>The facts about your background and the man's position in the community add depth to the story and make it more logical. This newest version is by far the best. The first paragraph still has issues; I don't feel that it adds to your argument. Remember, the topic is about how he influenced you; dont waste time talking about your preconceptions of the elderly and throwing around cliche phrases about Ronald's wife. Also, colloquialisms like "heck" have no place in an application essay to an Ivy League university. </p>

<p>I would still try to increase the emphasis on just how much this experience changed you. Did you simply think about this one quotation for a solid week? Why did it hit you so hard? Did you really have no motivation in life before? What you are saying is that this man inspired a miraculous change in you; however to a common reader like myself this essay is not captivating and convincing enough to convey exactly how and why this change occurred. </p>

<p>Also, the reason why I emphasize grammar so hard is that meaning is conveyed through the construction and phrasing of the writing. You cannot throw grammar to the wind and then simply "fix it later." Trying to write or understand an essay with bad grammar is like trying to view art through blurred vision. The simplest changes in word choice or sentence construction can completely change the meaning, tone, and emotion conveyed by a given piece of writing. You need to keep this in mind as you write and re-write your drafts. Keep trying and eventually you will have a finished product with which you will be pleased.</p>

15

<p>It's a good idea, but the writing needs some work</p>

16

<p>Don't take this the wrong way, I'm just trying to help: </p>

<p>Distinguished, dignified, life full of dynamism is ** ARE, not is** only the*did you mean a few?* few words that could describe a sixty seven year old man that had a significant impact on my life. Before meeting Ronald Hall, motivation and maturity of life was clearly non-existent*you should change it to "my motivation and maturity" not the motivation and maturity of your life. When I first saw him, he did not appear to be the stereotypical old man at all. Heck, I was amazed to find out he was 67I don't know if you care, but conventional grammar says type out in writing all numbers less than 100* years old. The typical church pastor is bald headed, short, and had the perfect “stepford wife.” He was quite the opposite; muscular, tall, a head full of hair, and the first lady was no stepford wife at all** you already ended a sentence with at all, you should end this one in something else**. </p>

<p>This was an encounter like no other, I had known this pastor for six months and there were** WAS, subject-verb agreement..also, rather than saying was, you should drop the passive voice** no relationship between us, so he caught me off guard when he asked me about my life ambition. What??don't use two questions marks, even if you are trying to make a point, also put that in quotes or italics I was lost for words. My expectations were high; but I was unwilling to disclose them to him mainly because I was still surprised at the random question that was just thrown at me. But after speaking to him for some time, I came to the conclusion that he wanted to impart his knowledge to me. Then he quoted “In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't.” I was officially confused*i like that sentence, lol. I thought of that quote day and night for at least one week and I was dumbfounded. After some time, a real long time, I concluded that light illuminates darkness, the sight of the ones who listens to constructive adviceI'm not sure what you're trying to say here, read it outloud, it's not worded right; if they are followedif what are followed? if you are talking about the sight, then you have another subject verb disagreement...sight goes with it, not they, unless you aren't talking about the sight..idk* and applied it will eventually lead to actualization of their*wait, whose dreams + ambitions? this sentence is really unclear* life dream and ambitions. While failure and agony awaits those who refuses** REFUSE, subject-verb agreement** to adhere to instruction, as a result they will fall into perpetual darkness full of sorrow and regrets.** that needs some serious rewording** </p>

<p>After the conversation was over, I asked myself where would I have been if this crazy encounter hadn’t occurred? I had no idea a quote could be so deep, causing someone to review their life’s story pinpointing a problem and trying to fix it. Ronald Hall is a man caused me to make a life altering decision. He encourage me to discover my potential and make the best of opportunities given to me, it is for these reasons I revere Ronald Hall and claim him to be the most influential person in my life.</p>

17

<p>My sentiments exactly.</p>

18

<p>haha.....if you want to be a banker..then be a banker....(referring to the original essay)--who's he tell you that you're not aiming "high" enough as a banker....do i have a point?</p>