Grade my Essay please? Thanks!

<p>Hi, could some of you grade my essay as honestly as possible, and point out some flaws in it as well?
The prompt is "Should people accept unfairness and find ways to make the best of it?"</p>

<p>An ancient Chinese proverb states that "One can only do so much to obtain a bountiful harvest. Mother Nature dictates the rest." In other words, people should "accept unfairness and find ways to make the best of it" as often there are obstacles which cannot possibly be controlled. Several examples from history, literature, and real life experiences clearly demonstrate that accepting the circumstances and giving one's full effort can lead to success. </p>

<p>In the late 13th century, there was a general of the Chinese army named Xing Zhao. As the most adroit military strategist of all of China, Xiang Zhao was the best man for the job. However, in a battle against the Persian army, Zhao's troops were outnumbered five to one. However, the experienced war hero knew that he could do nothing except deal with the situation at hand and accept that the odds were against him. When his army charged into battle, a miraculous occurrence took place; the Persians walked into a bog of quicksand! Thus, the Chinese army handily won the battle, as they took advantage of their opponents' immobility. Through this example, it can be seen that accepting unfair circumstances is not always the same as accepting defeat.</p>

<p>Another paragon of this message can be seen through the novel, "Of Mice and Men." In the novel, the witty and practical character, George, took care of this mentally impaired comrade Lenny. Even though caring for his friend was detrimental to his own life, George accepted this unfairness and tried to find jobs for the both of them. Lenny, however, could not stay out of trouble and soon after George had secured them jobs at a ranch, Lenny's actions forced them to flee from the establishment. This was the last straw for George. Cunningly, George put his life long friend to rest because he did not want to deal with his antics any longer. Immediately after performing this horrific act, George was full of remorse, and wished he could undo it. Clearly, the decision of George shows that one should always try to deal with unfairness in life because sometimes taking the easy way out can cause regrets.</p>

<p>Finally, a New York stockbroker named Johnny Reynad proves that it is good to accept unfairness through his life experiences. Johnny was one of the biggest stockbrokers on Wall Street, making the most profitable investments week after week. Mr. Reynad was human though. One day, in 2008, he made an investment in a company that was supposedly going to be booming in the near future. Unfortunately, this company went under and crashed, and it brought 40 percent of Reynad's funds with it. The usually profitable stockbroker was devastated by his loss. But, he did not quit from the business, instead he invested marginal amounts more cautiously and quickly regained his former status of wealth. As can be seen in the case of Johnny Reynad, accepting unfairness in life is pivotal to becoming successful.</p>

<p>After a careful analysis of an ancient Chinese battle, "Of Mice and Men," and a wealthy New York stockbroker, accepting unjust obstacles is an essential component of life. When one tries to avoid unfairness, misfortune always seems to follow. Therefore, people should indeed try to do the best they can with the circumstances at hand.</p>

<p>Great essay. Was this done in 25 minutes? If so, the length alone would guarantee you at least a 10/12. I liked your introduction and your conclusion, especially the use of the Chinese proverb.</p>

<p>However, I think you need to link your examples more closely to the question and focus on the argument, rather than focus on telling the story of the example. Your first paragraph was ok, but I felt that your second and third paragraphs were basically just narratives with only the last sentence actually focusing on the question. For example, what was the unfairness in George’s life? And how did he take the easy way out? I think you need to analyse your examples more.</p>

<p>Overall, I think this essay would get around a 10 (out of 12) because it is really long.</p>

<p>Thanks jencee, yeah I wrote it in 25 minutes. I see what you mean, I think I do need to replace some of the details with analysis of the connection to the prompt.</p>

<p>The writing here is college-level, so the essay is at least a four.</p>

<p>However, your examples feel forced. They aren’t well-suited for this kind of topic.</p>

<p>If you feel absolutely compelled to use “lit/history/news” examples, you need to do a better job of connecting them to the task.</p>

<p>How these situations are unfair (as opposed to any number of other adjectives that might describe them)?</p>

<p>By what means do these people accept their situations?</p>

<p>In what ways do they “make the best of it,” and what does this show us about them?</p>

<p>You asked for me to identify flaws—so I’ll go a little farther…</p>

<p>I see quite a few clich</p>

<p>Thanks for the feedback jeremy. The examples I used were pretty forced, as I just kind of thought of them as I went along. In addition, I also forced in some vocabulary that was unnecessary, and I didn’t know that cliches should be avoided. Oh, and I can see how I really didn’t include the “make the best of it” part. It seems like I just wrote that they accepted that they experienced unfortunate events.<br>
Next time, I’ll try to keep the prompt in mind and spend more time choosing examples that would work more smoothly. I just dived directly into writing so that’s why it was so long.
Again, thanks for the advice!</p>

<p>Here’s a few more suggestions:</p>

<p>paragraph 2
don’t start 2 sentences in a row with “However”
answer the prompt more directly, i.e. change last sentence to “Zing Xhoa is an example of someone who decided to make the best of unfair circumstances and benefited from that decision.”</p>

<p>paragraph 3
It was not unfair that George took care of Lenny
again, conclusion kind of weak, try "Clearly, George would have been better off dealing with the unfairness in his life; his decision to try to change his predicament led to disaster.</p>

<p>paragraph 4
another place you can answer the prompt more directly is in the intro to this paragraph
"Finally, a New York stockbroker named Johnny Reynad proves that it is good to accept unfairness through life experiences as long as one makes the best of the situation.</p>

<p>Thanks for the revisions CHD, I now see that I really have to relate everything back to the prompt frequently, while maintaining variety in word usage as well.</p>