Grade my Essay? :)

<p>Is the struggle to endure success more important than accomplishment itself?</p>

<p>The notion that the struggle to achieve success is more necessary than the outcome is a categorical truth. Although some advocates may argue that without a successful result, all diligence paid-off in the process is unpragmatic, but the romantic critics are too dogmatic in their provincial ideology. The struggle is always more improvedent than the accomplishment. The archetypes of Galileo, Sun Yat-Sen and Steve Jobs will prove this idea to be true. </p>

<p>Set in the mid-14th century, Galileo’s insistence on his discovery clearly shoes that the struggle to achieve success is more important thant the achievement itself. The famous astronomer Galileo’s theory contradicted the conventional concept and was thus punished severely for the rest of his life, Galileo was treated guilty because he believed in himself, and although he did not live to see his own success in discovering a novel hypothesis, his spirit has moved many others, Comparing to the fact that Galileo found out Sun was the center of the world, Galileo’s striving attitude and faith in himself is far more valuable, and that is why modern people admire the great scientist. </p>

<p>Another paradigm that parallels Galileo is Taiwan’s father, former president Sun Yat-Sen. For the independence of Taiwan, Sun Yat-Sen raised numerous rebellion towards the Ching dynasty, and finally successed after the 11th revolt, Sun Yat-Sen’s patriotic spirit and diligence was widely celebrated by the Taiwanese. To most of them, what’s more precious than the success of having Taiwan independent, is the fact the Sun Yat-Sen never gave up and lost hope, which is the essential factor for him to succeeded at last. Sun Yat-Sen’s spirit definitely illustrates that the struggle is more vital then the outcome.</p>

<p>Another example that shows the process of pursuing success is more important than the accomplishment is Steve Jobs. Striving copious times before the Apple company finally thrived, Steve Jobs has bolstered his own philosophy in strictness of pursuing perfection and passion in what he loves through the process of creating Apple. To many people who understand Jobs successfully execute a company, but his special perspective that he planted on the path of success. Steve Jobs also shows the importance of the struggle before success.</p>

<p>In summation, the struggle and diligence to success in far more valuable than the outcome. Only by treating the process more seriously than the result will one be able to accomplish thorough success.</p>

<p>Thanks!</p>

<p>You really shouldn’t post your essay here or use your actual name.</p>

<p>um…sorry but why shouldn’t I post my essay here?</p>

<p>Too many times, you find complicated words and phrases to use in place of relatively simple ideas. This essay tries too hard. </p>

<p>Here are some phrases that are very awkward:</p>

<p>all diligence paid-off
the romantic critics
paid-off in the process is unpragmatic
The struggle is always more improvedent
discovering a novel hypothesis
more precious than the success
struggle is more vital
execute a company
</p>

<p>I know why you’re doing this, but it doesn’t achieve its desired purpose.</p>

<p>jkjeremy thanks. I did take your advice on relating examples to thesis more. I’m afraid if not using these words, my essay would be filled up with redundant words so I tried to use synonyms while writing my essay. Could you give me some advice on coming up with alternative words that don’t sound awkward?</p>

<p>I’ll be glad to help as best I can.</p>

<p>Are you able (and/or willing) to accept personal messages?</p>

<p>Yes of course :slight_smile: Please I’m in need of help.</p>

<p>Because people can copy it or reuse it as their own. It might even look like you plagiarized from them. </p>

<p>A better plan is to post asking for help, then share directly with community members who respond. Someone posted a great guide to this recently but I can’t find it now. It’s best to use posters with higher post counts, especially parents.</p>

<p>Duh just realized this is not your application essay so plagiarism less important.</p>

<p>seattle mom thanks for the reminding :slight_smile: I’ll keep that in mind when working on my application essay ;)</p>