Grade My SAT Essay? Please?

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
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<p>Hi, I took a practice SAT test and just really needed the essay to be graded. Would someone here be willing to give an opinion on this?</p>

<p>Prompt: Are many leaders necessary for a group of people to function effectively?</p>

<pre><code>While it is often debated that many leaders improve the efficiency of a government, I personally believe that a government is most effective when run under a single ruler. This is because under a multi-headed government system, government is unproductive due to the differing viewpoints that each leader has. In a single-ruled government system, efficiency would increase because the orders of the leader would be executed without delay. My viewpoint can be seen in the novel Lord of The Flies by William Goulding and in the dictatorship run by Kwame Nkrumah.

My first example comes from Goulding's novel Lord of the Flies which tells the story of several boys who become stranded on an island without adult supervision after a plane crash. The boys begin to develop intricate government systems and soon begin to wage war against each other. One of the governments, a dictatorship run by a boy named Ralph, is highly successful in recruiting the other boys on the island. Ralph's rash actions as ruler allow him to call for hunts at any time he wishes and they take place without delay. While this may be seen as childish or futile, that does not matter because Ralph is able to execute his desires for his government in a resistance-free environment, increasing productivity.

Another example of an effective government with a single ruler is the dictatorship of Kwame Nkrumah. Nkrumah led the people of Ghana into independence from Great Britain in 1957. He originally set up a a communist government, but as he began to build a cult of personality, that communist government was just a mask for his totalitarian rule. Nkrumah used his unopposed power to build statues, roads, and other government funded renovation projects including the construction of a dam. Many criticized Nkrumah for his harsh and single-handed rule, but he was able to rule efficiently because all of his demands could be productively executed.

There is a stigma that working together, collaboration, and shared leadership are necessary for an effective government system. The reality is otherwise: governments run more smoothly when they are led by a single leader and this is evident in the leadership styles of Ralph from Goulding's Lord of the Flies as well as in the leadership of dictator Kwame Nkrumah. While these governments were effective, they did sacrifice the desires of public opinion and sometimes acted immorally. In order to create a perfect, utopian government, one must look towards a government system with a single leader that can make address the proper needs of his subjects and appease the masses.
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<p>I think it is a well written,neat and descriptive essay.Kudos.
The small error I could take out was that the 1st example should have been written as a whole paragraph and you could go in detail further.
A double digit essay would usually have an Intro , 3 passages of justification/examples and then Conclusion.
Bravo!</p>

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<p>Thanks for replying to my essay. I haven’t had too much experience writing essays so are there any other pointers that you may have for me? Every little thing helps! Also do you know what score you would give this out of six?</p>

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<p>As long as it takes up most of the two pages you are given on the test, it would be an 8 or 9/12. Improvements would be:</p>

<p>"While this may be seen as childish or futile, that does not matter because… "</p>

<p>The first half of this sentence is a strong challenge to your thesis, which you should avoid - you do not want to give any ammo to the other side of the argument. Also saying “this does not matter” is a weak way to refute something; it would be better to say something like “this point is of minimal concern when compared to the tremendous success of the strategy.” That said, I would get rid of the entire sentence and work on stressing other ways that LOTF supports your thesis.</p>

<p>At the end of the second paragraph (and at the end of the first too if possible) you should list other dictators who support your thesis, for example…</p>

<p>“Similarly, Fidel Castro, Vladimir Putin, and Bollas Lagash succeeded greatly as the sole leaders of their country, further proving the positive aspects of a single leader government.”</p>

<p>Always add something like this at the end of a paragraph, where you trot out a bunch of other similar examples that would prove your point to show that what you discussed is not an anomaly. Remember they will not fact-check your names/places/dates so you can be creative.</p>

<p>In the conclusion, this sentence "While these governments were effective, they did sacrifice the desires of public opinion and sometimes acted immorally. " doesnt help your cause so you should get rid of it. Just keep repeating, in different words, why and how your thesis is correct.</p>

<p>The sentence structure could be varied a little - try a few semi-colons and maybe some introductory or participial phrases. There are a couple other minor grammar issues, too, but again if it fills up both pages (which I think this one would) you really cant get less than an 8/12. With the corrections above your score would improve, but you might max out at 10 or 11/12 with those examples - to get to 12 you might need to vary them. Basically you have the same example (a totalitarian government) for both paragraphs. Good luck!</p>