Grade my SAT essay?

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

Please give me a grade on a scale from 1 to 12.

Question- Is it dangerous to look up to rile models and heroes?

    No, it is not dangerous to look up to role models, but extremely beneficial. There has never been, nor will there ever will be, such thing as a perfect human. People are flawed, and they make multiple mistakes every day. Despite this, it is perfectly acceptable, and should be encouraged, to look up to role models, wether it be your favorite athlete, president, or just someone in your community. The reason to turn to a role model is to strive to be like them and to learn from them. Even thought they are imperfect, the role models you choose to study under will have an astronomically positive effect on your life. It is for thus reason that it is not dangerous to look up to role models. Role models provide an excellent way to live your life. 


  For anyone who has played sports, role models are a central part of your life and game. Professional athletes are the best in the world at what they do. Michael Jordan, one of the greatest sports players to ever step foot on this planet, ha hoards of followers. He inspired a whole generation of players who wanted to be "like Mike". Kobe Bryant, another basketball legend has credited Jordan in helping inspiring him. When I am in the backyard shooting with my brother, I like to pretend that I am Jordan. Joradan is the best for a reason, and so it is perfectly okay to strive to be like him every time you touch a ball. Even though Jordan has missed shots and turned the ball over, the made shots and perfect assists were enough to make him a viable role model. Role models do not have to be celebrities, however. You can derive information from anyone you know. 


 Every time that I am faced with a decision, I ask myself, "What would my Grandfather do?". My Grandfather is one of the greatest people I have ever met. 4 times a year, he sacrifices his time to travel to Haiti and deliver babies at one of the few hospitals they have. He is an extremely kind and generous man who always thinks of others first. He is the most important person in my life and is a major part of who I am today. This summer, I was fortunate enough to travel to Haiti with him The look of joy on his face while helping others made me want to be like him even more. Like everyone else, my Grandfather is not perfect. This is not enough, however, to defer me from following in his footsteps. I was blessed to have such a great figure in my life, and I take the advantage every day by studying him. 

There are role models everywhere you look. Everyday, people are helping and inspiring others. This is far from a dangerous thing. Role models exist for the good of everyone.

I ran out of time on my conclusion. Any input would be awesome; it filled up about 1 and 4/5 page

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Sorry. The new paragraphs begin at the words: For anyone-1st body paragraph
Every time- second body

There are role models everywhere- conclusion

3

I can’t really give you a numerical score, but from my point of view, your content is excellent!

Your score will be reduced by mistakes in spelling and word choice, though. Some of the spelling errors might be typos in this post and not in your essay itself, but you should check them.

Some specifics, that might have carry-over value to future writing:

In the first paragraph, it’s “whether,” not “wether.”

If you mean the President of the United States, President should be capitalized.

To “study under” a person usually implies that you receive direct teaching from the person, not just that you observe what they are doing and try to follow it.

The use of “astronomically positive” is exaggerated, and not really backed up by the rest of your essay. “Positive” would be enough.

It should be “this reason,” not “thus reason.”

You should check the use of second person (you, yours) vs. third person (anyone, he, etc.) in your essay. It is best to be consistent. The SAT essay readers generally prefer that writers avoid the use of second person.

Michael Jordan has “hordes” of followers, not “hoards” of followers. A horde is a large crowd, mob, or group of people. A hoard is a collection, almost always of inanimate objects. (Think of the hoarders on TV.)

It’s best to avoid stringing “ing” words together. Instead of “helping inspiring,” it would be better to write “helping to inspire”

You say that Jordan is the best for a reason, but you don’t say what that is–this is about the only content problem in your essay. You should try to back up your statements of that type with more explanation.

The numeral 4 should be spelled out as Four.

SAT readers like definite references for pronouns. In your sentence that contains “he sacrifices his time to travel to Haiti and deliver babies at one of the few hospitals they have,” technically the "they"at the end refers to babies, rather than to the Haitians. In generally, if you substitute nouns for pronouns, your writing will be more exact and the SAT readers will like it better (as long as it is not too repetitive).

The sentence “He is the most important person in my life and is a major part of who I am today” starts off strong, but the last part could be improved. I understand that you want the intensity of the last part, but it makes the reader think of your grandfather as actually being part of you (like an extra arm, maybe?). This is not quite the effect you are going for.

Where you write “This is not enough, however, to defer me from following in his footsteps,” it would be better to write “This is not enough, however, to deter me from following in his footsteps.” To deter is to discourage, and fits here perfectly. To defer means to postpone. Also, colleges defer applicants, and the draft board used to defer people, but otherwise, it is normally an action that is deferred, and not a person.

Rather than “take the advantage,” I think you want “take advantage of that.”

Your conclusion is strong, especially with the added sentence. The organization is good also. The SAT essay readers allow for a few mistakes in spelling and word choice, but too many will lower your score. Hope these comments are helpful and not discouraging. I liked your essay a lot.

4

Thank you so much. That was very helpful

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Glad it was helpful!