I suspect his problem may be social. Does he have friends (not the online kind whom he plays video games with)? He needs to be around people of the same age who are more motivated.
I agree with the others that insisting on a job for spending money is good; however, I think that some kids get overwhelmed with the process at first and shut down. That was the case with my kids, so I did help them in the beginning. In high school, I helped find them applications to fill out. In college, I asked them to make an appointment or go to the career center for advice by X date. After the first few applications, they got more comfortable with the process, and I believe any job they obtained, they found the jobs themselves.
A few thoughts to consider:
- has he EVER had a part time job? Anywhere?
- if the answer is no, then he needs to do SOMETHING part time. Even if it’s working 10 hr/week at Starbucks. Peer tutor is a good option, too. Ad hoc programming/development/CS work on the side…even better.
- not having ANY job experience whatsoever WILL hinder his ability to get a CS-related job after graduation. The tech/computer science job market is rapidly changing right now with 10s of thousands of people getting laid off. Your son will be competing with all of those people for work.
- your son will also need some interview practice. He needs to go to the campus career center…every college has something like mock interviews available. You just have to sign up.
- your son also needs to put together a resume. go to college career center for help with this.
Let him know the summer is funded by him. It is hard but that is life. We stopped the funding in the summer for our two college kids… we did not care where they worked but they needed to work. First summer our son was slow on the uptake. Ended up working in a refinery basically sweeping the floor working 12 hour shifts. He kept the hard hat and hung it on his wall.
Next school year he was ALL about the job fair and opportunities. Landed something the next summer that aligned with his major.
I also think that you should stop providing him with spending money. He needs to provide spending money for himself.
His grades are fine or so you say. But his work history is NOT fine. The reason people aren’t successful getting jobs is not because of less than perfect grades. It’s because they haven’t demonstrated they can work with others, work as part of a team, or be independent in terms of earnings.
You are doing your son zero favors (in my opinion) by paying for everything. We could have done the same…but our kids were required to have jobs for all discretionary spending and books. They learned to earn money…and how to manage it and live within their means. These are life skills.
It sounds to me like your student is book smart, but not socially smart…and he needs to be both to be successful in life. Part of socially smart is working with others.
As parents, please reflect on what you are doing to enable your kid NOT to work. Then…turn that around.
My kids had summers in high school and summers (also a drop out era) during college where they were not working. My rule was that if unemployed they had to do the grocery shopping (we paid) and cook dinner. Ha, both got pretty good on the BBQ grill. But really a job, even if volunteer work, is a really good thing as described in prior posts. In this case, I assume he’d warm most to a job in his field.
Also want to add that it is GREAT that he is doing so well in school. Plenty of video game loving teens have flunked out of school. (I known one who lost his ROTC scholarship and had to enlist - he evidentially had not signed the fine print of his contract and was surprised.). So I understand why you hesitate to rock the boat too much here.
I have a smart kid who was not engaged in college other than doing what he needed to do academically. He did work in a fast food job, but that’s it. He graduated without a clue as to what he was going to do. He is now a fully functioning adult in his 30’s, with a good job that he enjoys. He has always been opinionated about what he doesn’t want to do, and he had to figure out what he did want to do. The key for us was to let him know when our financial help would end (including the fact that he would have to pay rent to live at home after college). He figured it all out, even if it wasn’t always easy for him. But it is his life, and we trusted him to figure out how to live it.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with a fast food job (or bussing tables in a restaurant, or being a dishwasher). Having a job shows some commitment to responsibility. Your son had that.
It does not sound like the OP’s son does, but perhaps he can clarify that.
I will second the fast food thing. Our son also delivered pizza in high school and college… he wanted a bit more spending money. That job taught him how to deal with ALL kinds of people and complaints… a skill necessary to develop a thicker skin. Academics are important but some of those intangible skills come in pretty handy.
One of my kids couldn’t even land the fast food server job- he mopped floors and cleaned up at closing. Made for a great college essay btw (how to get grease stains out of a polyester uniform) but the critical lesson was “don’t think the world is rolling out the welcome mat because you have high SAT scores”. The store manager told him he could start at the bottom (cleaning) and work his way UP to server. That was an eye opening lesson!!!
I loved it when my nephew landed an “engineering internship” and the construction company put him out in the field as a gofer. The next summer, he decided to be a lifeguard, instead. I already told him how important internships are, so I’m not going to repeat myself.
Neither of my two healthy kids made choices that I would have, but they’re getting by and independent, so I don’t judge them.
I do agree kids should earn their own spending money, though. It’s not good for them to think they can always skate by on the Bank of Mom and Dad.
Stop giving him money for nothing.
He doesn’t have to have a job while in college, but he has to have a job or internship this summer. Full stop. If the internship is unpaid you can pay him for it at a rate comparable to paid internships.
My kid started out as a dishwasher, and “moved up” to salad prep. It was a great job, and at the end he had done everything that could be done at a restaurant including weeding the flower beds outside.
He got a great reference, and that helped him get his next job.
This is what I would say to my kid - College is more than just classes and grades. It’s about gaining life experiences that will make employers want to hire you.
I also agree with the other posters that college students should be earning their own spending money.
That doesn’t mean he will be a good employee, but I think you know that.
Please meet a billion other students.
There isn’t a problem here that can’t easily be solved. I agree with others that if you really want him to get motivated, stop funding him.
My daughter worked all summers and three academic years of college, as does my son, a college senior. They received no money from us for spending. Both my kids were/are amazed at how many friends’ parents give their kids money, still, at the age of 20+. Just say no.
I think you should not link the two. I don’t buy the idea that you should cut him off. Convincing him to get an internship should be independent of reasonable expense money.
You aren’t “cutting him off.” A good therapist would help you see that. Would you be willing to talk to someone about the situation?
Making your son get a part time job for spending money isn’t cutting him off. Look at it as practice in “how to adult.”