Hello parents,
I am hoping for some guidance; perhaps from someone who had a similar experience with a child.
To start, and this isn’t to brag and is my personal opinion, my son is academically gifted. So much so that without much assistance or directive from me and my wife, he received excellent (nearly perfect) grades in high school, AP test, SAT. 2nd year in UCSD as a CS major and received all A and even some A+ in classes where he only goes to class/lab if it’s counted towards his grade but most self studied.
Here is the problem: It seems he’s perfectly happy being a great student but does almost nothing to position himself as a great candidate for hire. Zero work/major related experience. Any encouragement to intern or do research with a professor are met with low enthusiasm.
I am afraid that after college his chance for success in the job market will not look too bright with a looming weak economy, especially in the tech sector.
I’d say to encourage him to get to the placement office, see if he can find a summer internship opportunity. Many parents ask their kids to money over break to help out with the school bills and/or spending money. CS students can earn big bucks. It’s a little late in the summer hiring season, but with his stellar grades perhaps he can still find something.
What’s he doing with his time, if he’s not working or going to classes (much)?
Are there other possible issues going on? Alcohol/substance abuse? Depression? Relationship issues?
Anything that he IS passionate about?
He’s at UCSD - are you (the parent) close to SD? Can you visit him regularly to get a feel for his academic and social situation, and maybe keep him grounded?
What kind of friends, if any, does he have/hang out with?
Does he spend significantly too much time on the computer in unproductive ways? (Social media, games, porn)?
What has HE said about his plans for this summer, and beyond?
As much or more of a resume that jumps out is experience. Although it doesn’t sound like him, he risks being stereotyped as the kid with no social skills that only studies. He needs some experience to show that he “plays well with others” to quote @HPuck35. There are both clubs and jobs on campus. Given that he’s not overly taxed, have him look for something that strikes his fancy. Beyond that, we can lead them to water, but we can’t make 'em drink. Best of luck!
You are right! Money isn’t much of an issue in our household. It’s hard to stop paying for thing when he knows we have no money problems at home + we worry what if making him work negatively impacts his school work/grades.
A 3.2 CGPA student with internship and work experience will beat a 4.0 CGPA student with zero experience any day. More so in the tech industry, where many startup founders and hiring managers are skeptical of “bookish knowledge” gained purely in school.
I say this gently and respectfully, because I have acted in ways not that differently, but if you are emphasizing grades above all (your comment about not getting a job for fear of sacrificing grades) then he may be complying with what he has internalized as your priorities.
He would be better served by Bs and some experience than straight As and no activities or experiences outside of class.
Thank you for bringing this up. I think passion is a huge part of the issue. It doesn’t seem he loves much of anything; not material things, not drug or alcohol, not tv or movie, not social media, etc. If anything, he only likes online video game(s) with friends.
If you ask what he wants out of his life, his answer is “to earn enough to live independently”. That’s it!
If you ask if he like anything, wants to go anywhere, want to do anything, the answer is always “I don’t know”. Or he knows but don’t want to tell us?
Perhaps it’s the relationship he has with us. After middle school he started to feel distant. We thought it’s just something teenagers go through, but now it feels like more than that.
It’s OK that you’ve been footing the bills thus far – a lot of parents do. But he needs to understand that this isn’t a lifelong commitment. It’s a little late now for him to get a great internship in his area, but he certainly can get some kind of summer job. Tell him that that’s an expectation and that next summer you expect him to get an internship related to his major.
If he’s able to get these great grades with little study then getting a job and having to work a little for the grades is fine. A little struggle is good for all of us. He’ll have something for a resume and still a great GPA. I fear that perhaps y’all have been so focused on grades for so long that he hasn’t understood the need for internships and work experience. Not his fault, but there’s still time to change that. Maybe even make that part of your conversation – “DS, I know that we’ve always emphasized the importance of grades in HS as a means to get into a great college, but maybe we weren’t the best at msg’ing that as you continue your education, success entails other things, too. Obviously, grades remain important, but to set yourself up for the best chance at success you need to think about internships.” And then guide him to the career placement office.
OP- folks on CC fetishize internships. But as someone who has hired for big corporations for 30+ years-- regular jobs are fine as well.
It doesn’t need to have a fancy title, and it doesn’t need to impress people. It needs to be a job where he provides his labor and in exchange gets a paycheck. That’s what it needs to be.
I’ve had students impress the heck out of a hiring team (at big, prestigious employers where folks on CC tell you it’s important to have a 4.0 and internships) because at age 18 they were promoted from pizza delivery guy to shift supervisor, and then a year later to assistant manager, and then a year later to manager. Getting along with other people, dealing with the public, having to worry about the safety of your employee who is doing the nightly bank run; giving an employee an extra day off past what they are entitled to for bereavement leave and taking the money out of your own pocket so “corporate” doesn’t penalize the store; these experiences demonstrate maturity and grit and responsibility and teamwork in a way that getting an A on a test instead of an A minus does not.
So sure, getting a job related to his long term career path- great. But any old job is going to help him significantly in the job market.
Does he read for pleasure? Does he like to travel (doesn’t need to be fancy- a trip to a botanical garden 50 miles away, a museum or historic site?)
This is how kids find their passions- by experiencing the world.
But I’d stop financing a life of phoning it in and online gaming. Like- tomorrow.
I know this extremely well after graduating with a CS degree myself in 2003 without much to put on my resume right after the dot-com crash. And he knows my story - Going from coding in college to doing construction to provide for a young family is quite a career change, but I guess it’s not much of a warning since our family is pretty well off.
It’s just tough to cut him off financially knowing he will hate us for it.
Also, I agree with @blossom, a regular job can be even more important. If it’s major related all the better, but it shows good time management. My son’s campus job was highly instrumental in landing is first career job.
There are many job possibilities out there after college. Most will involve working as part of a group of people. So, as I have pointed out before, it is VERY important to develop people skills to be able to work as part of that group. I worked for a desirable, job wise, company in the high tech world. I once declined to offer a job to an applicant with a 4.0 college GPA from a top ten engineering school. My reason was that he had NO people skills and was extremely self-centered to the point that he turned everyone in the company who talked to him off. I’m not saying this is your son but developing those “plays well with others” skills is very important.
It is also important to know what an eight-hour workday is like. It can seem very long to a student who has never experienced it. Some people embrace the work-a-day schedule, a few have trouble with it. I would always like to see some work experience, even if it was outside a person’s career field, so that I had some assurance that he could deal with it reasonably. An internship, undergraduate research or just a job on campus should be in his future.
Your son has time to work on these things. He just needs to realize that they can be very important.
My oldest son had some difficulty launching. Partially it was pandemic related, but I do think he’d have had an easier time of it if we’d pushed him outside his boundaries a bit earlier.
I think it is somewhat common for their to be great students who aren’t so great at other parts of life. Being a student is something they have down pat and do well at. It’s been their “job” since they were barely 5 years old.
Could be a variety of things. He may only be able to mentally manage (as in have brain space for or organizational space for) being one thing at a time - currently, “student”.
Could be he’s been so focussed on classes, grades, papers that the years have passed before his eyes and oops! , now it’s time to pivot and they are lost.
Regardless, there needs to be a transition plan. For him and for you (parent(s). For where he will live. Money sources. You are allowed to set a timeline for your end - how long he can be on your coffers, live in your house, whatever comes into play.
Do take a little time to think about if this is a “I don’t wanna” or an “I don’t know how” situation. Not everyone launches smoothly and a diploma doesn’t mean you are ready for all life decisions without a little hand holding.
What will he do all summer? Do you have any requirements that he work or volunteer somewhere? Or is he taking classes? I would try to require him to do something with his time.
Passion is not a requirement. Having a job and making enough to live the way he wants to may be a satisfactory goal. Not everyone is passionate about work at his age, especially someone who has spent so many years in the regimented life of school.
At this point, I would also require him to do something outside of school to get spending money during the year. If he choses to work with a professor for free, I would give him the money but otherwise he should earn it. I would also have a conversation sooner rather than later about your expectations for after graduation. I would make it clear that you expect him to have job even if he is living at home for a while. Not too early to have that conversation.
Honestly, though, at the end of the day your job should be done when you pay that last tuition bill. It is not really on him to get a job and earn a living. It can get tricky, however, when a kid moves home after college and is not fully motivated to get out and work. Hopefully, you will not face that issue. He will likely get a job when he graduates, even if it is not the job he hopes for due to lack of experience.
He should find something that goes with his CS education. How about tutoring younger students, helping the local library run a coding club for kids, setting up a hackathon on campus, creating an esports team or club, working in the tech office / help desk on campus, etc. These will all show that he can play with others and will be things which he will probably enjoy doing.
Also, cutting back on parental support doesn’t have to be presented punitively. You could have an honest and supportive conversation along the lines of “We love you, and are worried about you. We don’t want the post-graduation transition to be rough, so we think it’s important to start now” and go from there.
